Death of a family member

[Rakhel]

My grandfather had a massive stroke Monday night. The left side of his brain is no longer working. MY father said they came in this morning with a mix of Morphine and Propaphal. He doesn't think it will be much longer before he finally "gives up the ghost."

I can't find it in myself to care one way or the other whether the man lives or dies.

I am not going to ask if this is common. I am sure there are others who feel the same way about certain family members.
I mean I can be supportive of my father as he loses his, but I don't feel anything otherwise.
I am not sure of what to discuss. I guess I may be having a problem understanding why I care so little.

 

[DallasApple]

Probably you have no bond.I felt similar when my paternal grandmother died.Its like it really made no difference in my life.She had no real interest in my life as a child or an adult.I didn't shed one tear.Its not that i was "happy" about it just indifferent.I didn't even go to her funeral.If it had been convenient I might have but it was in Alabama and Im of course in Texas.My father is deceased so no insult to him .

My maternal grandmother died a year and 1/2 ago and although it was "time" and there was sense of relief (she was 98 and blind and yada yada)I was very very sad.I cried many times.I still will when I remember things about her.I was bonded to her.

Anyway I think its "normal".

 

[Jainarayan]

I guess I may be having a problem understanding why I care so little.

Maybe because you know there is nothing you can do about it. And/or because he probably lived a long life. I also find it hard, if not impossible to mourn the death of elderly people.

 

[Rakhel]

Probably you have no bond.I felt similar when my paternal grandmother died.Its like it really made no difference in my life.She had no real interest in my life as a child or an adult.I didn't shed one tear.Its not that i was "happy" about it just indifferent.I didn't even go to her funeral.If it had been convenient I might have but it was in Alabama and Im of course in Texas.My father is deceased so no insult to him .

My maternal grandmother died a year and 1/2 ago and although it was "time" and there was sense of relief (she was 98 and blind and yada yada)I was very very sad.I cried many times.I still will when I remember things about her.I was bonded to her.

Anyway I think its "normal".

No, there is no bond. I never wanted to bond with him. He always seemed to want more than I was willing to give. liked to hold the fact that he had money and you didn't over your head. something that was a turn off for me.
He is/was 90 years old so it was about time as it was. HE also was looking to off load his money before the state got their inheritance tax. Kept talking about not making it to his 91 birthday. The man would have died sooner had he known that not only was I Jewish but that my brother was gay.
I had a better bond with my mom's dad. He never seemed to openly judge. If he did he never told you what he thought.

 

[Rakhel]

Maybe because you know there is nothing you can do about it. And/or because he probably lived a long life. I also find it hard, if not impossible to mourn the death of elderly people.

I do think a lot depends on the elder person. My mother's grandmother had a wonderful, very positive effect on everyone that she met. When she died, it was like the world had lost a light.
My mother's parents when they died, didn't have the same effect, but were sorely missed. Same with my father's mother.
Maybe I have just become sensitized to death. I hope that would not be the case should it be my husband or one of my children

 

[Jainarayan]

I hope that would not be the case should it be my husband or one of my children

No, I don't think that will be the case.

 

[MysticSang'ha]

My grandfather had a massive stroke Monday night. The left side of his brain is no longer working. MY father said they came in this morning with a mix of Morphine and Propaphal. He doesn't think it will be much longer before he finally "gives up the ghost."

I can't find it in myself to care one way or the other whether the man lives or dies.

I am not going to ask if this is common. I am sure there are others who feel the same way about certain family members.
I mean I can be supportive of my father as he loses his, but I don't feel anything otherwise.
I am not sure of what to discuss. I guess I may be having a problem understanding why I care so little.

He's not gone yet, though. That might be something to consider. He's dying, and you have not had a bond with him. In fact, it sounds like you've been distanced for some time now.

My ex-husband had a biological father that struggled with severe drug addiction and was distanced from many family members for years and years, including my ex. He never heard anything from him, though while he was still alive, my ex talked about his father as if he was "already dead" to him.

When he got the news that his biological father died at 43 of a heart attack (likely from an overdose), he fell apart. All at once, he felt a yearning and a depression of how things "could have been." I think it hit him unexpectedly, because he was all at once surprised by his reaction and emotions while at the same time actively mourning.

I'm not saying that will happen with you, though, but it's one possibility to consider.

Another is....well....we're getting older. I noticed after a best friend of mine from college died, then another school friend died, then a close cousin died, and my grandmother died, and my aunt died....I noticed I was starting to attend as many funerals as I was baby showers and weddings. My husband and I have a good friend who is nearing 70, and he tells us all the time how he enjoys our company because (as he says), "My friends keep dying on me." LOL

I seriously doubt you will approach an impending death of your immediate family the same way. It's like you'd stated about other family members who have passed, and that the grief is different for all of them.

 

[DallasApple]

No, there is no bond. I never wanted to bond with him. He always seemed to want more than I was willing to give. liked to hold the fact that he had money and you didn't over your head. something that was a turn off for me.
He is/was 90 years old so it was about time as it was. HE also was looking to off load his money before the state got their inheritance tax. Kept talking about not making it to his 91 birthday. The man would have died sooner had he known that not only was I Jewish but that my brother was gay.
I had a better bond with my mom's dad. He never seemed to openly judge. If he did he never told you what he thought.

Yes my paternal grandmother was pretty self centered and kept distanced from us as children and just overall wasn't a really great person.She wasn't evil.I mean really I barely even knew her just what I "heard" and it wasn't good.She was a snob.

My other grandmother was a mixed bag..LOL>>I knew her faults and she knew mine.But she always loved me and I loved her.And she sang! Me old timey songs.And when she was older she lost her voice litterally (a nerve was being pressed and it died and she had nothing but a whisper ) and I sang to her.I have a lot more memories including she was FUNNY!!!!!!!

See that makes me cry as I sit here.

My other grandmother.I don't have any memories like that.I think after I was about 6 I only saw her maybe 10 times.I was in my 40's when she died.she had apparrently "expected" that we as adults later (me and my 3 siblings) contact her and keep in touch. Ummmmmmm Why? Her pride. ARGHHH!!!

Sorry I went on my own rant.Bottom line is with her I feel more "blank".Like an empty chalkboard about it.Not even hurt or angry just nothing.I hate to say it I don't think I missed out on much .And she obviously didn't care so......

It doesn't really matter I guess.

Oddly her first name I was given as my middle.I changed my middle name to my maiden name too.