Asking for advice

[Charity]

There is a mom who is seeking advice on what to do with her 19 year old son. He constantly lies to his mom about everything. He has only worked for 2 months since graduation from high school last year. He comes home at 5-6AM after being out all night with friends and sleeps all day. Only to get up shower and leave again. He never participates in family functions or doesn't even eat a meal with the family anymore.
His mom has proof to sustain the fact that he is doing drugs, even shooting up now. She has had to ask him to leave several times only to have him show up with the "I'm wanting to change" story. His mom has been paying his car insurance all this time and feels that she is unable to continue "keeping him".

She feels so sorry for him and always keeps seeing him as that little boy she once knew. I tell her he is not that little boy, but should be a man trying to stand on his own 2 feet and have some goal in mind for his life.
She wants to know if she should just kick him out since she has a 16 year old daughter in the house and is concerned about the amount of friends that the son brings home. Sometimes his friends are wondering around the house in the early morining hours while her son is passed out. What would you suggest she do, should she kick him out because the only way she can help him is if he really wants the help.
She has asked him not to bring people home with him but he pays no attention, his room is never clean. He has even sold the electronic gifts that were presents in order to support his habit, plus there is other things missing, his mom's jewelry, money from her emergency cookie jar. Even to the point of taking his sister's money from her room. Would it make this woman a bad mom if she kick's him out? I tell her she's not doing him any favors by letting him get by with this. Please give us some advice here, the mom is about to lose her mind over this....Thanks

 

[angellous_evangellous]

Sorry Charity.

Sometimes they get out of this, sometimes they don't.

Hugs.

 

[DallasApple]

This is probably a joke..but does she have insurance coverage on him?

Love

Dallas

 

[Charity]

Sorry Charity.

Sometimes they get out of this, sometimes they don't.

Hugs.

Yes but as for now what would you do to handle the situation? Do you let him stay in your house or kick him out? Do you let him do the drugs right there in the house. The mom works and is a nurse. If these drugs are caught in her house, it could mean a loss of her job plus complicity on the drugs.....

 

[DallasApple]

And where is the father?..

Love

Dallas

 

[Nikodemus]

She needs to push him out the door. I know that sounds harsh, but she is only enabling his habits by allowing him to stay there. She should get some information about places he can go to get clean, give the info to him, and send him on his way.

Given that she has another child to raise, she must show that this behavior leads nowhere good. Keeping him at home will only show her daughter that it's okay.

 

[Charity]

And where is the father?..

Love

Dallas

She had insurance on him until he graduated, then he was no longer covered unless he was a student....which he shows no interest in becoming anything except high at the moment. There is a stepfather, who has tried everything he possibly can to help but now it's to the point that it is causing problems between the mom and step dad. He is upset that all this stuff is coming up missing and is worried about the safety of the family in general especially when the boy is high. The boy's dad has also tried to help even was going to get him a job with his company, he does independent work for the telephone companies. But the boy would have to pass the drug screen which he can't.

 

[DallasApple]

Yes but as for now what would you do to handle the situation? Do you let him stay in your house or kick him out? Do you let him do the drugs right there in the house. The mom works and is a nurse. If these drugs are caught in her house, it could mean a loss of her job plus complicity on the drugs.....

I would gvie him an ultimatum..Rehab..or he is out..

And no..do not "let him do drugs " in the house..If he wont listen to her..involve the father..or another male relative..or even a male friend that she trust..He's taking advantage of her 'softness"...

The people he is bringing home..Tell them they are tresspassing..they are not welcome..to leave..hold the phone while informing them of this..Use the police to have them "escorted out of the home if she has to...

Tell the son rehab or he's out of there..He is welcome if he gets some help..but his 'friends" are not to step on her property...

Love

Dallas

 

[DallasApple]

But the problem is he is not going to quit cold turkey most likely..He should still be covered on inusrance for the year 2008 if he just gratuated this year.There should be a grace period before his coverage is cut..

Love

Dallas

 

[DallasApple]

Well if he doesnt have inurance I dont know..The reason he is only "interested" in gettign high is because he is a drug addict..He needs help..

Love

Dallas

 

[Charity]

Thank you Lana, I am so glad you gave me your opinion....that is the same way I have felt about it. When you have to fear for your safety in your own home it is time to do something. My thought was what if one of his friends tried to force himself on his sister while he was passed out or while his mom is working? It may be a son but you never know what drugs will cause a person to do. The stepdad wants to make him leave, change the locks and tell him he is on his own....If he really wants help then they will do everything they can to help him....Unless he wants it himself, it won't do any good anyway.

 

[Wandered Off]

Agree with Dallas. The kid and his friends are a potential danger to the rest of the family. This is the way to get him to own the "I'm wanting to change" story. If he doesn't stick with it, then that's enough to know he isn't wanting to change and has no business near the family. That's the condition: Wanting to change means staying in rehab.

 

[DallasApple]

Oops..we are cross posting..The mother needs to permit the man of the house to put his foot down..Its important to not allow the friends to roam around the house and shack up there..

Set a curfew..If he isn't home by "blank hour" he can sleep somewhere else..Eventually he will end up most likely in jail..

Love

Dallas

 

[angellous_evangellous]

Yes but as for now what would you do to handle the situation? Do you let him stay in your house or kick him out? Do you let him do the drugs right there in the house. The mom works and is a nurse. If these drugs are caught in her house, it could mean a loss of her job plus complicity on the drugs.....

I can't say what I would do. I don't have kids.

As an outsider, I would probably do what my dad did to me - set all the kid's stuff outside of the house and tell him to do with it what he wants, but he can't come back in until he lives by the house rules.

Strongly suggesting the military - if they will take him at this point. Or a factory job. No more free ride.

 

[tomspug]

There is a mom who is seeking advice on what to do with her 19 year old son. He constantly lies to his mom about everything. He has only worked for 2 months since graduation from high school last year. He comes home at 5-6AM after being out all night with friends and sleeps all day. Only to get up shower and leave again. He never participates in family functions or doesn't even eat a meal with the family anymore.
His mom has proof to sustain the fact that he is doing drugs, even shooting up now. She has had to ask him to leave several times only to have him show up with the "I'm wanting to change" story. His mom has been paying his car insurance all this time and feels that she is unable to continue "keeping him".

She feels so sorry for him and always keeps seeing him as that little boy she once knew. I tell her he is not that little boy, but should be a man trying to stand on his own 2 feet and have some goal in mind for his life.
She wants to know if she should just kick him out since she has a 16 year old daughter in the house and is concerned about the amount of friends that the son brings home. Sometimes his friends are wondering around the house in the early morining hours while her son is passed out. What would you suggest she do, should she kick him out because the only way she can help him is if he really wants the help.
She has asked him not to bring people home with him but he pays no attention, his room is never clean. He has even sold the electronic gifts that were presents in order to support his habit, plus there is other things missing, his mom's jewelry, money from her emergency cookie jar. Even to the point of taking his sister's money from her room. Would it make this woman a bad mom if she kick's him out? I tell her she's not doing him any favors by letting him get by with this. Please give us some advice here, the mom is about to lose her mind over this....Thanks

Sorry if this sounds blunt, but she should kick the bum out. He had the first 18 years to be a kid, and while it may be the parent's responsibility to some degree to help him stand on his feet, it seems pretty obvious that he's never really tried.

Kicking a kid out of the house does nothing to harm him. What harms him more is encouraging the deadly behavior of reliance. Once kicked out, he'll be forced to swim on his own (with the help of whatever "friends" he thinks he has) or latch on to some other poor soul. Either way, it's not her fault.

And don't worry, this is America. There are places for him to go and find food and shelter if he isn't "making it" right away.

 

[angellous_evangellous]

But the boy would have to pass the drug screen which he can't.

Tell him he can wait.

 

[Charity]

He got caught speeding several months ago, had MJ in the vehicle but the car was in the Step dad's name, the cop who stopped him knew the step dad so that kept him from getting busted at that time. The mom said I wish that had taken him to jail. Then he and 2 friends stole beer, cigarettes and etc, from a convenient store, the store manager didn't press charges, another clean get away. They have paid out a lot of money trying to help him, but he only keeps getting deeper in trouble. The mom says no more, she can't financially help any longer. Oh then there was the night he called her and was on his way to the ER and had to have stitches in his hand for an accident involving a knife....Cost his mom $700 no insurance coverage for this little accident....

 

[Charity]

I sincerely thank everyone of you who has given your advice. You are all right and I will pass this information on..........Blessings to all

 

[tomspug]

He got caught speeding several months ago, had MJ in the vehicle but the car was in the Step dad's name, the cop who stopped him knew the step dad so that kept him from getting busted at that time. The mom said I wish that had taken him to jail. Then he and 2 friends stole beer, cigarettes and etc, from a convenient store, the store manager didn't press charges, another clean get away. They have paid out a lot of money trying to help him, but he only keeps getting deeper in trouble. The mom says no more, she can't financially help any longer. Oh then there was the night he called her and was on his way to the ER and had to have stitches in his hand for an accident involving a knife....Cost his mom $700 no insurance coverage for this little accident....

Good lord.... OK, this kid needs to find different friends. Remember how demonized parents were in the 80's for being over-protective. Kids are still always wrong, even if television and politicians try to agree with them for the sake of ratings.

I think it just keeps coming back to the whole problem of mistaking "parenting" for "being your kid's friend". Nature gives us some great examples of parenting. You spent 18 years of your life telling the kid how to live a successful life. What difference is another 18 going to make when they've become independent? And they'll never get a chance to implement those life lessons until they are ON THEIR OWN, like every kid has to eventually be.

I'm reminded of the romantic comedy "Failure to Launch", which demonstrates the one and only appropriate situation for a man to be living with his parents. And even then, there is the general anticipation of society for that man to NOT stay there.

 

[Charity]

Thanks Tom