About Me

[Orias]

This probably isn't the right place, but I'm not so caring right now.

My life is not so hard. Day in, day out, I just sit there. I sleep most of my days away, and spend the remainder smoking and getting drunk. I know, I'm so very tough behind this dark red color.

But while all of this is going on, I let those around me, live for me. I don't work, and I don't want to. I need to fight, in the cage. But as far as that is concerned, its a pipe dream. I realize this, and everyone else around me realizes this. Which is why no one supports me, and one wants too. There are but few who think I am actually capable, and those that do have no means of helping me achieve my goal besides a psychological boost. But here and now, thats not what I need.

Its not a pipe dream because its not achievable, its a pipe dream because it was more achievable back then, than it is now. I've crippled my lungs, my heart...I've crippled myself. Not to mention, every teenager either wants to be in a band or fight in the ring. What separates me from others? I've been told my whole life, I'm too smart for my own good. But I don't buy that anymore, thats just a nice way of calling one a slouch, its just a nice way of calling someone unproductive.

Years of abuse, self abuse, abusing my gifts, physically and mentally. I am slowly degenerating, as if I was never one in the first place. I am finding myself in a hole, using those around me to keep my head above the dirt. But I can smell what lies below, and its growing ever stronger.

Just a little about me, I'm showing my weak side. I've never had killer instinct, or so my dad has always said throughout my years of competition. I just never really wanted to be there, but now that I do is it too late?

I feel like I have to prove something, even if others don't think I have too, its important for me. But what am I proving here? Nothing, just talk. Like I'm used too.

I'm stressed, depressed, and hanging by a thread. But just being is simply not good enough for me, maybe its because I feel I posses more than being, or maybe I'm just too stuck up to see the world in front of me.

I'm not sure...I'm just not sure anymore. But I will never give up, even if the time comes to jump in the boat by myself, I'll drown achieving my goal.

But this goal is just that, I'm no where close to reaching it, and I'll drown in this boat before I can make it to the next.

Purpose is here, meaning is exchanged in places like this.

Am I asking for too much? I have the skills, but I don't have the means, I have the desire, but I have no drive. As a kid, I wasn't left with much, my dad never payed bills so I had no electricity for the most part. Just my imagination, and heavy bag.

I'm trapped within myself, wanting to get out. Wanting to reach, and use these belts that took me a life time of work to achieve.

My life is easy, yet I struggle to see what I'm doing around me, as helpful to anyone or anything. I am a drain upon society, a heavy weight full of empty thoughts for wishful thinkers.

This understanding I have does me no good, as all it does it hold me back from achieving heavily desired goals. Goals that if given the chance, I would absolutely drop whatever I'm doing, to go and do.

But no one would buy it anymore, I wouldn't last more than a round, less I got lucky. But fighters aren't judged by how dangerous they are, but how well they survive in the face of danger. I've grown weak, almost helpless, to the point where my survival depends on others. And it frustrates me more than anything.

Gah, this eyesore is concluded.

 

[Shuddhasattva]

I applaud your honesty and openness.

 

[Orias]

And what good will that do me?

I've spent too many years lying, to others and face down. By the way, the thread I made called "Redwater" is a decent reflection of this, I didn't actually realize that until I just reread it...

But thank you...I guess for the most part, I was never really grateful of anything. This I still struggle with.

 

[Cassiopia]

I like the honesty of your post and it explains a lot about what is behind the things you normally write in red. Your post shows insight. Perhaps having written it down concisely you could focus on it and the message you are sending to yourself.
So behind the sometimes aggressive, combative posts lies a person who sometimes likes to wallow in self pity... Welcome to the human race!
So if you want or need a kick up the *** I am happy to oblige. If you have a plan make it a reality. Prioritise and do. Use your beliefs as a strength, not as a diversion. If you feel the need to be grateful to people, show it; perhaps they will respond with support of the type you haven't experienced yet. If you need help to overcome your depression and lethargy, get it.
So you are at a low point. Are there any great people who didn't have one? I don't know much about fighters, not my bag, but I do know a lot about musicians... I have a few friends who are let's say well known in the rock world. All of them can look back at times similar to what you are describing (I know, I was there).
Whatever your weaknesses are you have a lot of strengths. Use them wisely. And remember us when you get to the point you are dreaming of.

 

[Orias]

You're right about everything, but the thing is, I have asked for help.

And all I receive is people wanting me to fulfill their will and not mine, I have not found a person who truly wishes to accompany me on this goal. Which is understandable because its a huge sacrifice in the first place, but I need money I don't have.

I hate asking for money, and I hate money, but I need an investor. And to get one, I need a starting investor. The saddest part is, MMA isn't even sanctioned in my state, so to get paid doing it I would have to travel out of state. Whats even more sad is, I lack a driver's license, and the closest gym to me is forty five minutes away.

I've simply come to far to turn around...and I feel like sweating my tears away right now.

On a lighter note, I wish I knew a famous musician personally. I was spit on Galder, the lead guitarist by Dimmu Borgir once. It was neat.

 

[Cassiopia]

Use your imagination. Maybe you can make money through music (or something else) to get the funding started. Maybe you can live somewhere else. Meanwhile maybe train for a particular fight. Get somebody to video it and use that as an advertisement. Use YOUR will, YOUR resources and YOUR imagination.
Much as I enjoy reading your posts, maybe turn the computer off more often and do something more practical. I don't know, the ideas and action have to come from you. But I believe you can do it and maybe now is the turning point. I truly wish you luck and success.

 

[Orias]

Much as I enjoy reading your posts, maybe turn the computer off more often and do something more practical.

This is essential.

But to bring up the rest of your post, being a fighter is hardly any different than being a burger flipper. I want to fight for reasons that people that watch fights hardly care about, thus making it that much more difficult for me.

Though every fighter I'm aware of, struggled through the same thing. Its just that they all had a means, and the support to support their means.

And around where I live theres not much money to be made, unless I want to flip burgers or work at a grocery store. I've lost tolerance for the food industry, I worked at Pizza Hut for a year and it ended horribly (and the timing was harmful as well). And as for the rest, well I'd honestly rather work on a farm. But I don't get up that early anymore, and I'd rather spend my day in a gym.

But as of now (and has been for the past year or so) I've been spent my time here.

 

[NIX]

This probably isn't the right place, but I'm not so caring right now.

My life is not so hard. Day in, day out, I just sit there. I sleep most of my days away, and spend the remainder smoking and getting drunk. I know, I'm so very tough behind this dark red color.

But while all of this is going on, I let those around me, live for me. I don't work, and I don't want to. I need to fight, in the cage. But as far as that is concerned, its a pipe dream. I realize this, and everyone else around me realizes this. Which is why no one supports me, and one wants too. There are but few who think I am actually capable, and those that do have no means of helping me achieve my goal besides a psychological boost. But here and now, thats not what I need.

Its not a pipe dream because its not achievable, its a pipe dream because it was more achievable back then, than it is now. I've crippled my lungs, my heart...I've crippled myself. Not to mention, every teenager either wants to be in a band or fight in the ring. What separates me from others? I've been told my whole life, I'm too smart for my own good. But I don't buy that anymore, thats just a nice way of calling one a slouch, its just a nice way of calling someone unproductive.

Years of abuse, self abuse, abusing my gifts, physically and mentally. I am slowly degenerating, as if I was never one in the first place. I am finding myself in a hole, using those around me to keep my head above the dirt. But I can smell what lies below, and its growing ever stronger.

Just a little about me, I'm showing my weak side. I've never had killer instinct, or so my dad has always said throughout my years of competition. I just never really wanted to be there, but now that I do is it too late?

I feel like I have to prove something, even if others don't think I have too, its important for me. But what am I proving here? Nothing, just talk. Like I'm used too.

I'm stressed, depressed, and hanging by a thread. But just being is simply not good enough for me, maybe its because I feel I posses more than being, or maybe I'm just too stuck up to see the world in front of me.

I'm not sure...I'm just not sure anymore. But I will never give up, even if the time comes to jump in the boat by myself, I'll drown achieving my goal.

But this goal is just that, I'm no where close to reaching it, and I'll drown in this boat before I can make it to the next.

Purpose is here, meaning is exchanged in places like this.

Am I asking for too much? I have the skills, but I don't have the means, I have the desire, but I have no drive. As a kid, I wasn't left with much, my dad never payed bills so I had no electricity for the most part. Just my imagination, and heavy bag.

I'm trapped within myself, wanting to get out. Wanting to reach, and use these belts that took me a life time of work to achieve.

My life is easy, yet I struggle to see what I'm doing around me, as helpful to anyone or anything. I am a drain upon society, a heavy weight full of empty thoughts for wishful thinkers.

This understanding I have does me no good, as all it does it hold me back from achieving heavily desired goals. Goals that if given the chance, I would absolutely drop whatever I'm doing, to go and do.

But no one would buy it anymore, I wouldn't last more than a round, less I got lucky. But fighters aren't judged by how dangerous they are, but how well they survive in the face of danger. I've grown weak, almost helpless, to the point where my survival depends on others. And it frustrates me more than anything.

Gah, this eyesore is concluded.

Orias, it sounds like you're in a cage of another sort, and this cage requires it's own kind of fight. I don't know much about your sport, so that doesn't help me help you out so much. I am a little confused. You have the skills but you don't have the health or the money? Is that the problem? Is it your health that would keep you from lasting a round? Can you somehow make money while getting yourself back in shape? Even if it is going out to work on a farm. It gets you out of the cage you're presently in, you won't be sleeping and smoking and drinking so much, and you'll be getting exercise, not to mention money. It's a start. Reclaim your health! Make some seed money. The only way to change your life is to first innitiate the change. You need to work to make things happen. That's just how it is. Look at each day on the farm (for example) as a 'round', a test of your endurance. Save your earnings. See what new doors appear before you.

Chose your own cage! Don't let your cages choose you. Wishing you the best.

EDIT: I thought there was more in this post, some things about work possibilities and driving... either it's late and I'm crazy, or it's not all here in my quote.

 

[NIX]

ahh. or they were other posts.

You're right about everything, but the thing is, I have asked for help.

And all I receive is people wanting me to fulfill their will and not mine, I have not found a person who truly wishes to accompany me on this goal. Which is understandable because its a huge sacrifice in the first place, but I need money I don't have.

I hate asking for money, and I hate money, but I need an investor. And to get one, I need a starting investor. The saddest part is, MMA isn't even sanctioned in my state, so to get paid doing it I would have to travel out of state. Whats even more sad is, I lack a driver's license, and the closest gym to me is forty five minutes away.

I've simply come to far to turn around...and I feel like sweating my tears away right now.

On a lighter note, I wish I knew a famous musician personally. I was spit on Galder, the lead guitarist by Dimmu Borgir once. It was neat.

You said in the OP that you had no drive, and I notice here that you do not have a driver's licence. You need (to) drive. (I love the way you write BTW). Why not let the farm be your gym in the mean time while you save for an inexpensive car. Get your licence. Increase your practical life skill/ability. This will all get you closer and closer to the gym. literally. Whereas laying around at home won't get you anywhere. literally. But you already know this.

This is essential.

But to bring up the rest of your post, being a fighter is hardly any different than being a burger flipper. I want to fight for reasons that people that watch fights hardly care about, thus making it that much more difficult for me.

Though every fighter I'm aware of, struggled through the same thing. Its just that they all had a means, and the support to support their means.

And around where I live theres not much money to be made, unless I want to flip burgers or work at a grocery store. I've lost tolerance for the food industry, I worked at Pizza Hut for a year and it ended horribly (and the timing was harmful as well). And as for the rest, well I'd honestly rather work on a farm. But I don't get up that early anymore, and I'd rather spend my day in a gym.

But as of now (and has been for the past year or so) I've been spent my time here.

 

[NIX]

Oh yes, "Is it too late"? you asked. I don't know enough about your sport, but I think you're still pretty young, no? Is there some age at which fighters more or less retire the cage? Is it 5, 10, 15, 20, 25 years out in front of you? I think the question is probably less though "how much time do you have" and more "how will you use your time most wisely now, to get yourself where you want to be on your own, as expediently as practically possible". Do not sit around waiting for someone else to come and rescue you. If you want to be a hero, be your own hero. It really is the only way it can be done anyway. ( I have learned this the hard way myself )

 

[Orias]

A lot of what you said is also true, I just need to do it. But like I said, I don't have the means nor support. I need to display my ability, so I can get sponsored so I can fight so I can get paid.

It is all very hard to accomplish...but if I keep getting responses like this I may actually get there.

Thank you

 

[NIX]

A lot of what you said is also true, I just need to do it. But like I said, I don't have the means nor support. I need to display my ability, so I can get sponsored so I can fight so I can get paid.

It is all very hard to accomplish...but if I keep getting responses like this I may actually get there.

Thank you

Are you currently "displayable" though? If someone suddenly showed up tomorrow and offered to pay to display your ability so you could find a sponsor, would your "display" get you a sponsor?
I ask only because you said you currently wouldn't last a round. If you won't last a round, and you did manage to get a sponsor, don't you think you would lose your sponsor pretty quickly?
Not meaning to be negative, but these are the questions that come to my mind.

What does a proper display entail/include?
I'm sorry I know so little about your sport.

The very hardest things are so often the ones most worth accomplishing.

You're welcome.

 

[Orias]

Are you currently "displayable" though? If someone suddenly showed up tomorrow and offered to pay to display your ability so you could find a sponsor, would your "display" get you a sponsor?

If someone showed up at my door and asked to see what I was capable of doing while offering to provide a scenario, I would drop whatever I was doing instantly, to make an attempt.

I'm sure I could get a sponsor, and I'm sure I would actually be fairly successful doing what I desire. It is the reason why I want to do it after all.

If you won't last a round, and you did manage to get a sponsor, don't you think you would lose your sponsor pretty quickly?

Yes, but if I did end up getting sponsored I would of already likely gone through the whole cracking myself back into shape thing.

But then, sponsors pay for your camp, and your fights. A good sponsor grows with you, the only time you lose sponsors is if you don't perform. And even then, one can still lose with fashionable skill, versus just completely getting their butt kicked.

What does a proper display entail/include?

A finish, instead of going the distance, in a fight at least.

I'm sure it would be more likely to include showing primary skills, either by showcasing them on a demonstration or in a practice.

 

[NIX]

Yes, but if I did end up getting sponsored I would of already likely gone through the whole cracking myself back into shape thing.

okay. It just seemed to me that maybe you were putting the cart before the horse in you mind. I think maybe spend less mental energy on 'needing a sponsor' at present, and more total energy on making yourself ready again for a sponsor.
My mind always wants to go waaayyyy out ahead of where I'm at. I've learned to curb that though, mostly by focusing all of my efforts realistically on the stage I'm at, leading to the next stage I'm striving for. (and in my case 'stage' here has two meanings. )

 

[Orias]

I could not agree more, but thats exactly my problem.

I feel as if I get a job, that I do not desire, all that money will be put forth towards bills instead of what I want to do.

Its not a cheap thing, and if you're good enough it will pay itself off in the end and then some.

 

[NIX]

I could not agree more, but thats exactly my problem.

I feel as if I get a job, that I do not desire, all that money will be put forth towards bills instead of what I want to do.

Its not a cheap thing, and if you're good enough it will pay itself off in the end and then some.

But someone is allowing you to live with them now rent free.

I assume this is probably family?
Can you tell them you want to earn money for a driver's licence and a car?

Don't drag them through the whole thing.

Just the next step.
Who'se gunna argue or disagree that you need to drive? In general. No matter what you do.
In the world we live in everybody really needs to drive. (unless you live in a mega city).
Tell people only just what they need to know. You know?

 

[Orias]

I live on my own with my girlfriend and my cousin.

Whatever money I do get, goes to my lady, who pays for everything.

And I don't want to drag them through this, I feel terrible for even doing what I'm doing, which is nothing.

And yes, my mom wants me to get my license and doesn't have a problem helping me get all that stuff its just that time is a strange thing these days, and as much as I don't do anything I have little time to spare to do the things I should be doing.

 

[NIX]

ok. #1 - Get driver's license.

That's it. That's my stage 1 advice.

Ask yourself, You want to go places in/with your life, right? How do you go places?

Now Initiate. Get up and Go! Find your drive and accelerate!

The sofa's not going to take you anywhere.

 

[Orias]

Indeed.

Its 4 in the morning here though, I have no life :cover:

 

[apophenia]

Have you considered working as a trainer ? Are you in a position to do that ?
I mean like a personal trainer, or a gym instructor. In Australia you can get accredited online as a gym instructor, and it isn't that much work, especially if you are already clued up about physical training. I'm doing just that. The next level is personal trainer.

If you were working in a gym, you would have a much better chance of making the appropriate connections. Needless to say, there is little to no chance of an unexpected knock on your door. Most opportunities come from people you meet. You need to be where you will meet connections.

And stop smoking for ****'s sake ! WTF ?

If you want to get whacked, cook some cookies. If you want tobacco, get patches or even electronic cigarettes would be an improvement - smoking of all things will destroy your vitality. You know that. Spirit means breath. You know that !

I don't know what roids your doc has you on, but here's a clue - Rhaponticum Carthimoides. It contains a phytosterol called ecdysterone. I mention it not because of its claimed anabolic effects (which are debated), but because it makes you feel like working out. It gives you such a great feeling to move and use your muscles - hard to adequately describe, but the pure pleasure of physicality makes it a great motivator to work. And it is a great overall tonic - it has positive effects on the internal organs, and generally improves how you feel, with no known downsides - it is classed as an adaptogen, like maca powder, it is very good for you. You can buy ecdy, or go to Organic Maral Root (Rhaponticum Carthamoides - Luzea Root) and buy the organic root itself from which ecdy is extracted, and eat it or make tea from it.

So snap out of your funk. A rut is an open-ended grave.

The other thing about working as a trainer is that you can focus outwards - pay attention to others, get pleasure from helping them with what you know, which takes you out of your own claustrophobic personal drama, and all the while you'll be getting stronger and be visible to that unknown friend who will come as soon as you make yourself strong and show your integrity.

Fight brother ! I want to hear some good news.