Mister T, is it true you are on record as supporting the "Beer for Boobs" program currently being debated in the California House of Representatives and which, if passed into law, would make it perfectly legal to tip erotic dancers with bottles of microbrew, rather than in dollars?
I'm a huge fan of beer and boobs, so yes, you heard right.
What are your deepest, most innermost feelings about electrical outlets? Do you consider yourself emotionally attached to the electrical outlets in your own life?
Electrical outlets are considered blasphemous, tools of Hades in my household. You will not see such filth in my place of residence. However, you will see a giant hamster wheel with two Guatamalian's on the side of my house.
Have you ever been to a nude beach or nudist resort, and if so, what did you think of it? And if not, why haven't you been?
Actually when I was 19, me and my friends discovered a nude beach and walked around (with our clothes on, of course), hoping to see some hot, naked chicks. Instead we found two oiled up professional body builders. Needless to say, I was dissapointed.
What is the single most perplexing problem facing mankind most afternoons?
That sleepy feeling you get after lunchtime.
Overall, what are your reservations about religions other than your own?
The only reservations I have are for individual groups (regardless of religion/beliefs) who wish to cause harm and/or opression to others.
Do you own and operate a guitar without a license? If so, what kind of guitar do you own and operate? What sort of music do you play on it?
It's true that I operate a guitar without a license. I'm currently evading a warrant for that particular violation in the state of Kansas....last I heard, Dog: The Bounty Hunter was asking for me over there.
My favorite guitar to break the law with is my Epiphone Flying V. The way a Flying V is built allows for a lot of freedom of movement, which compliments my style of playing. I play a lot of heavy metal and hard rock. I was playing lead guitar in my former band and I love to shred.
Who is your favorite composer?
Old Metallica.
Are Dick Cheney and George Bush lovers -- or is there some other explanation for why they get along so well?
Dick Cheny, George
Bush. Coincidence? I think not.
In your opinion, could an opportunistic squirrel learn to drive a car by watching reruns of Cops? If so, why not?
Only if he's high on beer nuts and coffee, then I'd say it's not possible.
Will the US bomb Iran before Bush leaves office?
God, I hope not.
Speaking as a liberal, do you find it offensive that Nancy Pelosi refuses to even consider impeaching George Bush? Why or why not?
Not really. Impeaching him now would be counter productive anyways, IMO. It should have been done a long time ago.
Who will be the next president of the US?
Probably Hilary Clinton
What's the most outrageous thing you've done?
Flying out to South Africa by myself with 500 bucks left to my name and never having been out of the country before, knowing that I'd be flat broke when I came back.
Which mental or emotional disorder would you prefer to have if you could have only one?
Tourettes.
Is cross-dressing necessary to prevent wars?
Cross-dressing IMO, alleviates international tension, so yes. Think of the chracter Klinger from M*A*S*H*......how could anybody want to fight that guy?
What do teens most need to hear from older people besides, "Get a job!"?
Get two jobs to build my social security.
Besides spraying a shaken can of coca cola on it, what's the very best way to accomplish clitoral stimulation? Please couch your answer in Chinese euphemisms
Fortune cookie say: "Use tongue like snake......not like English Bulldog."
Would it be getting to personal to ask you which shoe you put on first? Is that the same shoe that you tie first?
"Personal" is my middle name.
I put both on at the same time. I also tie both at the same time. This is accomplished with the help of my two slave women that I keep in my basement. Jabba The Hutt, I am not. But gosh darnit, I try.
Do you feel taxes are too high, too low, or just about right?
Depends. I received a six hundred dollar bonus two weeks ago and after taxes it was only three hundred......I wanted to give Uncle Sam the finger and void my bowels on the hood of his car.
In what month of the year is life most fair?
October. We get to celebrate drinking beer all month and I can wear a thong backwards in public on the 31st and not get arrested.
What's your favorite color for bath towels?
Pimptacular Purple.
Historically speaking, what event was most responsible for defusing the German scheme to dominate the world through the propagation of hamburgers as the meal of choice in most nations?
The conception of Weinersnitchzel. No one would ever dream of touching anything with a German label again after spending three hours on the porcelian throne while shooting up Peptobismol.
What are the top three reasons your write random letters to women from the phone book asking them to become your "Princess of Passion for the night"?
1) Porn doesn't do it for me anymore.
2) Neither do the jets in my jacuzzi.
3) Um...you told me to do that at my last confessional.
Have you ever been on TV for anything besides those times you made the evening news when criminal charges were filed against you?
Actually, I was on Playboy TV's prank show "Busted."
My friend Dave had set me up on it. He called me up one day telling me that he had met these strippers in the mall and that they wanted to give him and one of his close friends free lap dances. Being the hormonally-charged 21 year old that I was, I ditched work early and drove to the strip club in Downtown L.A. without question or second thought.
I should have picked up that something was fishy when the club's bouncer made us wait 20 minutes outside at 2 in the afternoon after asking what we do for a living. Right when I got there, he asked what my job was and at the time, I was Martial Arts instructor. They told me after the prank that they had to change the gag because they were going to have a strippers boyfriend come up to me and threaten to kick my arse. I guess they thought that wouldn't have worked out too well.
So they told me that we had to wait for the girls to change into their "work attire."
I finally enter the club and I am led away by this gorgeous stripper from Canada. I get a lap dance for about 20 minutes and after wooing me with compliments, asks me what I'm doing at 5:00pm. I told her nothing and she told me she wanted to meet up afterwards. I of course, said yes.
Shortly after that, she points my attention to this gentleman standing at the bar and tells me that he's a cop that been after her for not having her stripper license (I know, I'm extremly gullible). She then asks me to pretend to be her boyfriend. Not being one to turn down a stripper, I obliege.
The gentlemen then approaches us and starts to interrogate us. He asks me how I know the lady and I tell him that I'm her boyfriend. He began asking me all these random questions like where our first date was, what did we do, what kind of car I drove, etc. He began getting frustrated because I had an answer for everything. He finally stumped me when he asked me when I allegedly first met her. I had told him two weeks ago and he then informed me that my stripper girlfriend was in Canada a week ago and she recently came over here illegally.
The man started laying into me about how I was going to do jail time for aiding and abiding a criminal and that he was going to place me under arrest (I had just gotten through a court battle in which I was unjustly placed under citizens arrest and physically abused by police.....needless to say I wasn't happy). The man yelled to me, "Just admidt that you're busted!" I refused. He said it again "Admidt that you're busted!" I yelled back, "Busted for what?! I didn't do anything!" He then said "Just say you're busted on Playboy TV!!!
I turned about three different shades of red (patritally from embarassment....partially from wanting to kick my friends arse). They asked me if I wanted a copy of it on tape....I told them no. Then they asked me if I wanted it to be shown on air. I figured I'd be a good sport and allow it. I figured that no one I know would ever see it, so I signed the waiver and no one ever knew about it except me and my friend who had set me up......until 3 years later that is, when one of my other friends, Joey (who's nortorius for having a BIG mouth) was flipping through the Playboy channel and saw me on there. Him and his wife then made a point to call everbody up and inform them of this "treasure" that they stumbled upon, up to and including my parents......curse you Digital Recording, curse you.
Needless to say, there are two friends of mine who have a scheduled blanket party.
And so ends another one of Mister_T''s adventures in young adulthood.
