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Mathematician

Mathematician

Reason, and reason again
I need an outlet to vent my frustrations about this past week. RF is the only community I can entrust tidbits of my personal life to. This is a long post. I'm sorry.

Acknowledging my situation is probably not all that unique for most of you, I'll start with the cliches: I've dated this woman for the past year and a half whom I am incredibly attracted to in every way. I won't use her name for the purpose of sustaining her anonymity, but I can say that she's the most beautiful person I know and we share so much in common that it's been impossible to not see myself with her (you've probably heard it before, so please feel free to groan). But even prior to dating her I felt some strong attachment that I had never encountered before. I've been in well over seven different relationships, ranging from flings to a two year romance, but this felt different.

Last July she was moving to a different city to start school. We were both apprehensive about the transition, and of course humans try to resolve confusion and bitterness with - more confusion and bitterness. Upon returning from a two week family excursion to Canada, she dumped me out of the blue saying that she loved me but wasn't sure she could handle three years of separation. I blame the cold weather. ;)

I guess I should preface my anecdote here by saying that in June she became severely hurt when her best friend converted to a particular religion (I will not say which) and changed her attitude to conform to the characteristics of this particular denomination. I would visit her every day to make sure she'd be okay, but I think some part of her has never been healed by the incident. This, coupled with the thought of a long-long term relationship, got to her, and somewhat ashamedly I admit we rekindled after she realized how much it hurt me and thinking it over. Let's give it a try, I said. This thing between us is much too important to discard.

The year progressed solidly for awhile. We would visit each other every month or so, spend a nice, relaxing weekend together, and then depart. But she grew severely homesick to the point of becoming depressed. Her parents didn't really think she was that much in pain, but I can't stand the thought of anything bad happening to her, and I grew so nervous that I nearly called her school to keep watch on her. I also convinced her to seek therapy. By that time, her parents started to realize that something was truly wrong and she moved back to her hometown - here. She also got off birth control and started taking antidepressants.

Unfortunately, I've recently started to neglect her as I'm entering the last stage of college as a physics/social studies double major. This summer semester I took seven hours of calculus and physics for four days a week. To make matters worse, my teachers assigned homework that would take literally five hours each day to complete, and the drive to school is about an hour long. For those counting, that's about 56 hours crammed into 4 days a week. By Friday I was exhausted. We would see each other less and less as the semester became more intense. I also freaked out while over at her house after I learned that her parents were angry at me for not spending more time with them and I promptly left in a rather rude way (I have some social anxiety issues, needless to say).

I soon became aware of all this about two weeks ago, and so I adjusted my schedule in hope that I could bring more light to our relationship. She means too much to me to simply pass off as second to my college. Since she's going on another family vacation soon, I bought her a book to read while gone, and I was planning on taking her on a surprise vacation trip after classes end.

Well, it all ends here: this week, I came home from my Calculus class (9:30 PM) to find that she had been emailed a picture of another man's penis. After they had flirted behind my back. Someone who knows me, apparently, but I who I don't know. (?) She apologized (I've been cheated on by three different people in my life) but then dumped me ten minutes later. I'm still distraught by it - even moreso than last year, because she still loves me but feels that we just aren't the same. I blew up on her phone and starting text messaging her like a mad rabbit out of its hole yesterday (I know, stupid), because the series of events just hurts so much. Having planned to change my life only a few days earlier, having to be betrayed like that, and still loving her. Well, I'll end it by saying I am depressed as of this moment and did some stupid stuff to myself last night (which she caught wind of not by my design) and it's a miracle I'm even allowed on the internet.

Would it be futile to wait this out in the hope that I can one day be hers again?
 
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KatNotKathy

KatNotKathy

Well-Known Member
GeneCosta said:
Well, it all ends here: this week, I came home from my Calculus class (9:30 PM) to find that she had been emailed a picture of another man's penis.
Click to expand...
Whoah whoah whoah, let's stop here. Cheating is one thing, but sending somebody a dongshot is in a whole 'nother league. Usually when I say "You could do better." I'm just trying to cheer up a friend who really probably couldn't do much better, but I really mean it this time.

If it makes you feel any better, you're young, in college, reasonably good-looking, and smart enough to do a double-major, so this is really probably the single best time to be a bachelor. You can stay out till 3 with buddies and have sex with strange women and there's nobody to explain yourself to. Unless that's not your bag, in which case you can focus on getting that damn degree and being an extremely attractive potential husband when you graduate.

Also I'm really bad at handling post-breakup periods, but something my friend suggested I do is get a big bottle of my favorite liquor whenever I start a relationship, and stash it away. When the relationship ends, drink that bottle and let that be that. Closure. Of course, if the relationship never ends and you get married or whatever, hey honeymoon booze!

Just whatever you do, you really really really shouldn't come crawling back to her. It's one thing to cheat, feel bad, and tell your partner. It's another to cheat, email your partner a picture of the new buddy's pecker, and then feel bad. That's just cruel and unnecessary and you really do qualify as somebody who "can do better."

Edit: However, if you like end up meeting her some time in the future when you're both uncommitted and able to make things work, people can change. It's just VERY clear to me that at the moment she's not ready for a distance relationship.

Edit 2: Ooooh, you texted her. Yeah, I think I'd skip the relationship bottle suggestion. Alcohol only complicates things if you're likely to try to communicate with an ex after a breakup.
 
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Mathematician

Mathematician

Reason, and reason again
Ah, sorry, let me clarify:

- The guy emailed it to her email account. She didn't send it to mine. I logged into her facebook when I got back because I had sent a private message through her account to one of her friends suffering from ... something entirely different (it's an unrelated incident that had to do with a coworker), and they were chatting at that time. He said "I sent it" and I saw in their history the flirting conversation, so I logged into her email and saw the pic.

- We're not distant anymore.
 
Quagmire

Quagmire

Imaginary talking monkey
Staff member
Premium Member
GeneCosta said:
I need an outlet to vent my frustrations about this past week. RF is the only community I can entrust tidbits of my personal life to. This is a long post. I'm sorry.

Acknowledging my situation is probably not all that unique for most of you, I'll start with the cliches: I've dated this woman for the past year and a half whom I am incredibly attracted to in every way. I won't use her name for the purpose of sustaining her anonymity, but I can say that she's the most beautiful person I know and we share so much in common that it's been impossible to not see myself with her (you've probably heard it before, so please feel free to groan). But even prior to dating her I felt some strong attachment that I had never encountered before. I've been in well over seven different relationships, ranging from flings to a two year romance, but this felt different.

Last July she was moving to a different city to start school. We were both apprehensive about the transition, and of course humans try to resolve confusion and bitterness with - more confusion and bitterness. Upon returning from a two week family excursion to Canada, she dumped me out of the blue saying that she loved me but wasn't sure she could handle three years of separation. I blame the cold weather. ;)

I guess I should preface my anecdote here by saying that in June she became severely hurt when her best friend converted to a particular religion (I will not say which) and changed her attitude to conform to the characteristics of this particular denomination. I would visit her every day to make sure she'd be okay, but I think some part of her has never been healed by the incident. This, coupled with the thought of a long-long term relationship, got to her, and somewhat ashamedly I admit we rekindled after she realized how much it hurt me and thinking it over. Let's give it a try, I said. This thing between us is much too important to discard.

The year progressed solidly for awhile. We would visit each other every month or so, spend a nice, relaxing weekend together, and then depart. But she grew severely homesick to the point of becoming depressed. Her parents didn't really think she was that much in pain, but I can't stand the thought of anything bad happening to her, and I grew so nervous that I nearly called her school to keep watch on her. I also convinced her to seek therapy. By that time, her parents started to realize that something was truly wrong and she moved back to her hometown - here. She also got off birth control and started taking antidepressants.

Unfortunately, I've recently started to neglect her as I'm entering the last stage of college as a physics/social studies double major. This summer semester I took seven hours of calculus and physics for four days a week. To make matters worse, my teachers assigned homework that would take literally five hours each day to complete, and the drive to school is about an hour long. For those counting, that's about 56 hours crammed into 4 days a week. By Friday I was exhausted. We would see each other less and less as the semester became more intense. I also freaked out while over at her house after I learned that her parents were angry at me for not spending more time with them and I promptly left in a rather rude way (I have some social anxiety issues, needless to say).

I soon became aware of all this about two weeks ago, and so I adjusted my schedule in hope that I could bring more light to our relationship. She means too much to me to simply pass off as second to my college. Since she's going on another family vacation soon, I bought her a book to read while gone, and I was planning on taking her on a surprise vacation trip after classes end.

Well, it all ends here: this week, I came home from my Calculus class (9:30 PM) to find that she had been emailed a picture of another man's penis. After they had flirted behind my back. Someone who knows me, apparently, but I who I don't know. (?) She apologized (I've been cheated on by three different people in my life) but then dumped me ten minutes later. I'm still distraught by it - even moreso than last year, because she still loves me but feels that we just aren't the same. I blew up on her phone and starting text messaging her like a mad rabbit out of its hole yesterday (I know, stupid), because the series of events just hurts so much. Having planned to change my life only a few days earlier, having to be betrayed like that, and still loving her. Well, I'll end it by saying I am depressed as of this moment and did some stupid stuff to myself last night (which she caught wind of not by my design) and it's a miracle I'm even allowed on the internet.

Would it be futile to wait this out in the hope that I can one day be hers again?
Click to expand...

Gene, a few things I think you should look at:

Would it be futile to wait this out in the hope that I can one day be hers again?
Click to expand...

You're already her's, that's the problem. At this point she must know that she doesn't have to make any kind of real commitment to you or the relationship, she can basically come and go as she pleases in and out of your life, and you'll still be there. Once someone---and, sorry to say, especially someone as fragile and confused as this woman sounds--- realizes they have that going on with someone else, ie., a situation where they don't have to make a decision let alone a commitment, it's unlikely that they ever will.

Take a look at this:

This summer semester I took seven hours of calculus and physics for four days a week. To make matters worse, my teachers assigned homework that would take literally five hours each day to complete, and the drive to school is about an hour long. For those counting, that's about 56 hours crammed into 4 days a week. By Friday I was exhausted
Click to expand...

In any thing even resembling a fair, healthy relationship, all of the above is something that the other partner should be going out of their way to be supportive of: it's a hard, demanding, temporary situation geared towards helping you reach a worthwhile goal. In any kind of worthwhile relationship, the other person would
be doing everything they could to make all this easier for you, not harder. Doesn't even sound like her parents are being supportive of you in any of this, which is baffling (and a little disturbing).

What you're describing here isn't a relationship, it's something else. In this case it sounds like you're the one doing all the work, making all the concessions and allowances, assuming all the blame: you prefaced your description of your summer schedule by saying you were "neglecting" her. What you're describing isn't neglect, neglect denotes a willful lack of concern or involvement, a careless disregard for the other persons well being. The only thing you're guilty of in this instance is being subject to the limits of a 24 hour day, like the rest of us.

It could well be that a huge part of the reason you're so certain that you want this relationship to be is because she isn't.
 
newhope101

newhope101

Active Member
Some good points made above. I'll only add ...be careful of what you wish for! Do you really want this girl to be the mother of your chldren one day?

You speak of school, I assume you are young. Most of us have had to go through the pain of many relationships falling apart prior to finding the right one. Talking about it is good. Get it out there instead of keeping it inside.

Your studies at this point in your life are important. A lover that truly loves you would understand. The test of a relationship is how it performs during the hard times and this lass has failed the test...and that hurts....your self esteem has taken a blow.

You will likely go through the stages of grief, which includes anger, before you get to acceptance...and that's OK.

On a scale of 1-10, with '1' meaning life is crap and '10' being life is totally great, where do you see yourself and why? What would your world need to look like to go up 1 or 2 points on the scale? Repair your world using these little steps. If you continue to feel depressed for more than a few weeks seek counselling, you may need a little more help.

Be yourself and enjoy life. That lass does not appear to be a great loss!
 
Kathryn

Kathryn

It was on fire when I laid down on it.
GeneCosta,

First of all, I'm truly sorry you're feeling this sort of pain and confusion. It sucks to go through that sort of thing.

If it makes you feel any better, I'm not going to throw the "Oh, you're young - it's unimportant in the total scheme of things!" book at you. From your posts in this forum and especially from this OP, I can see you are looking at this relationship from an adult level of maturity.

Not that that's saying all that much - look how poorly so many adults behave in relationships! But I digress.

Now - from a woman's perspective: This particular girl sounds emotionally immature at best, and probably in need of therapy. She also seems to be very attached to her parents. Now - that in itself may not be a bad thing, but it definitely seems to be interfering in your relationship with her. So - she may need her parents more than she needs an outside relationship right now, and that's OK, as long as you both understand her priorities.

It sounds to me like, as others have said, you are doing all the work in this relationship. Honestly, she sounds ambivalent and confused, whereas you sound sincere, clear headed, planful, and committed. Not a good combination.

I'd say break it off. Not because some guy flirted with her and she flirted back (though I would have liked it better had she put the guy in his place in no uncertain terms), but because I don't like an unlevel playing field. I hate it when relationships are unbalanced - and this one definitely is. Someone is going to get badly hurt before it's all said and done if an unbalanced relationship continues to progress.

I've been divorced twice and am now very happily married to a terrific guy, who has also been divorced twice. We've both had a lot of pain in our past relationships and made some terrible relationship choices. It wasn't till we were both in our forties (and before we met, thank goodness!) that we individually decided to get our heads and emotions together before we inflicted ourselves on anyone else!

We both decided that we weren't settling ever again for anything unbalanced, unhealthy, and/or untrustworthy.

Trust - believe me, it's not overrated! Most unbalanced relationships are unbalanced because one or both partners is dishonest, untrustworthy and/or undependable.

Life's too short to get hooked up with an emotionally unbalanced person. Move on!

Good luck, GeneCosta. You deserve a happy, healthy relationship. You sound like a great guy.
 
Mathematician

Mathematician

Reason, and reason again
Thank you for all the kind words of encouragement. It really set my head straight, and I can't emphasize enough that I appreciate your input.

I sent the following text after she repeatedly texted me asking why I wasn't responding and telling me she was worried:

[I am not hurting myself. I have blocked you on Facebook and am honoring your request for space. I need a woman who knows what she wants. Maybe one day that will be you; maybe not. For now I think it's best that we don't talk until you're ready and have thought more about your actions. I care about you, but I will not be a door mat. Have a good day.]

Sorry for the choppy sentences, but text is really inconvenient.
 
Kathryn

Kathryn

It was on fire when I laid down on it.
GeneCosta - I think you did the right thing. It's not a matter of throwing her or the relationship away. Sometimes we get all hung up in the idea that "we've invested so much into this," when in reality, we've been on a learning adventure and we've come to a fork in the road. We've just got to bid that person farewell and continue down our own path. We can wish them luck of course, and be thankful for the companionship we had with them along part of our journey.
 
Revoltingest

Revoltingest

Pragmatic Libertarian
Premium Member
Free advice....& worth every penny:
- Decide what's important to you.
- Concentrate on that, without blow-ups or sacrificing your health (mental or physical).
- If school takes a back seat for now, it's just a delay.
 
Kathryn

Kathryn

It was on fire when I laid down on it.
What sort of person would expect him to put school aside at this point in the game? I mean, it's not like there's any great need - an unplanned pregnancy, a serious accident, a housing crisis. Why should he put school aside for some girl who is apparently very ambivalent about the relationship, who is flirtatious with other people, who is still obviously much in need of her parents' support, who by the looks of things is not nearly ready for a serious, committed adult relationship?

And if she WAS ready, I don't think she'd have the inclination to give some sort of ultimatum like "It's school or me, buddy!" This is the time in his life to go to school. This is his goal, his work so to speak. If she can't support it, or is so needy that he has to sacrifice school for her emotional needs - I doubt she's quite fit for human consumption at this point in her life.
 
Revoltingest

Revoltingest

Pragmatic Libertarian
Premium Member
Kathryn said:
What sort of person would expect him to put school aside at this point in the game? I mean, it's not like there's any great need - an unplanned pregnancy, a serious accident, a housing crisis. Why should he put school aside for some girl......
Click to expand...

It's not about "should". It's however he sets his priorities. I find that angst is often the result of trying to do 2 things equally,
but doing neither satisfactorily. Anyway, the advice is merely there for his consideration. It ain't like I know what's best.
 
NewEnglandGirl

NewEnglandGirl

Member
Hello, Gene.

I realize that I am too new here for anyone to really have a handle on me, or for myself to have a handle on you, since I only know you so far from this thread. But you have presented yourself as articulate, intelligent, mature, responsible, and focused. The young woman in question sounds, as others have suggested, well... young. But I would like to add, needy and manipulative.

I have been through too many relationships that were not equal, with both friends and lovers. Where I have done too much of the giving, the caring, the changing. And I know how unhealthy that can be for someone. Those of us who "care too much" (as it were) can sometimes also try too hard, and excuse away the lack of equal effort from our significant others. It becomes a very co-dependent relationship, extremely unbalanced... and as time goes on, their expectations of us grow while their ability to return anything to us diminishes. Eventually it becomes too unsustainable, too painful.

I know this has been very difficult for you, and I see that you are handling the loss better than many others would... But my advice to you, for what it is worth, is to use this as a learning experience. I am not telling you to stop loving her - that will come in time - but take a good hard look at the parts that went right and the parts that went wrong. Now you know what to duplicate,a nd what to avoid, when you have gotten through the grueling existence that is the senior year of college, and are perhaps ready to trust and love again.
 
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