My dad hates my boyfriend

[ZooGirl02]

Hey everyone. I have a boyfriend whom I am having a son with. My son, Colton, is due to be born in August. My boyfriend, David, and I are both planning to marry each other as soon as we get my disability payment issues figured out.

Anyway, David and I both love each other very much but my dad hates him and tries everything he can to not only turn me against him but to keep me away from him. I wrecked my car a few months ago and my dad has already told me that one of the reasons why he won't help me get another car is because he knows I would use it to go and see David who lives one hour away from me.

My dad thinks that David does not love me. He thinks that David is manipulating me and using me. He is totally wrong on this though and I have repeatedly explained to him why he is wrong, but he is very stubborn and refuses to believe that I am correct.

Do you all have any advice to help me deal with this? It is quite hurtful to me that my dad hates the man that I love and want to spend my life with.

 

[suncowiam]

This happens quite often and many times you can't will all people to side with you.

Given that you will have a son soon, I would suggest prioritizing your goals with you and your son best in mind. I don't know your entire life so I'm not sure how that will play out. =(

I'm guessing you are financially dependent on your father? If it was me, and I was financially independent meaning I have a place to live and can finance myself, I would just put certain things aside and minimize my stress. Being a father of two and knowing what my wife went through with her pregnancies, it can be very hectic and stressful on the woman. Just try to prioritize when is best to deal with certain situations and keep your lines of communication open and respectful. Take your time where you need. You don't have to stress yourself out and you can deal with any situation at your own pace.

If you are financially dependent to either your father or boyfriend, and they still remain stubborn, then I fear you might have to pick a side TEMPORARILIY. Again, this is just so you can minimize your stress for a time being, situate yourself to your motherhood and financial situation. =)

I'm not a family counselor so the best suggestion is to see one if you can.

 

[ZooGirl02]

Well, I am semi-dependent on my dad when it comes to finances. What I mean is that I get a disability check every month but his girlfriend is my representative payee. I am not capable of handling my own finances and so she handles them for me. I do get $75 per week out of my check to spend on things I need. The rest of it goes to pay bills.

That said, I have already chosen a side. I am siding with my boyfriend and have done so since the very beginning. My family drove him and I apart the first time we were together and I flat out refuse to let that happen again.

 

[psychoslice]

Who cares what you dad likes, its up to you, its nothing to do with him, tell him to grow up.

 

[ZooGirl02]

Who cares what you dad likes, its up to you, its nothing to do with him, tell him to grow up.

Well, I wish I could tell him to grow up but if I did that, and I probably have in the past, it'd just cause a big war between him and I. My dad is very emotionally and verbally abusive towards me. If I do something he doesn't approve of he can make me feel like crap for it.

 

[Deidre]

My dad treats me in a similar way, but he has tried to make amends for childhood issues between us. I date whoever I wish, and if my dad disapproves...I don't care. My advice would be to not share too much with your dad anymore, and once you're married...you'll have your own life. I'd make it clear that if your dad wishes to have a relationship with his grandchild ...to treat your bf/eventual husband, with respect. Hope things improve for you. Congratulations on your baby on the way!

 

[ZooGirl02]

My dad treats me in a similar way, but he has tried to make amends for childhood issues between us. I date whoever I wish, and if my dad disapproves...I don't care. My advice would be to not share too much with your dad anymore, and once you're married...you'll have your own life. I'd make it clear that if your dad wishes to have a relationship with his grandchild ...to treat your bf/eventual husband, with respect. Hope things improve for you. Congratulations on your baby on the way!

Thanks! The sad thing is that things with my dad are even worse now than they were during my childhood. As a matter of fact, he has put the blame on his mom's death on me. His mom was my grandma who was one of the people I was closer to than anyone else so needless to say when he said that it hurt like crazy and still does. I am not sure I can even forgive him for it even though it's been a few years since he said that.

 

[Deidre]

Thanks! The sad thing is that things with my dad are even worse now than they were during my childhood. As a matter of fact, he has put the blame on his mom's death on me. His mom was my grandma who was one of the people I was closer to than anyone else so needless to say when he said that it hurt like crazy and still does. I am not sure I can even forgive him for it even though it's been a few years since he said that.

I'm reading this, and tears are welling up in my eyes. My grandmother died earlier this year, and she was my dad's mother. I was closer to her more than anyone in my life, including my mom and dad. One thing I've learned about human behavior is that when we are hurting, we can sometimes hurt others. Your dad must be hurting over something, and it's not you, same with my dad. My dad is better, but shades of my childhood come rushing back at times, and I can't be expected nor can you...to just be doormats for these people, despite them being our parents, to walk on us when they feel the need. You can love your dad, but not like him. And you can do that from afar...big tight hug for you. I know what you're going through, Zoogirl.

 

[psychoslice]

Well, I wish I could tell him to grow up but if I did that, and I probably have in the past, it'd just cause a big war between him and I. My dad is very emotionally and verbally abusive towards me. If I do something he doesn't approve of he can make me feel like crap for it.

And as long as you let him treat you like carp he will never change, and you will never change also.

 

[ZooGirl02]

And as long as you let him treat you like carp he will never change, and you will never change also.

You are right. I try not to let him do that to me. I avoid contact with him as much as possible. But unfortunately it is often during those times when I need his help for some reason that he is abusive towards me. Thankfully I'll be moving to be with my boyfriend soon who lives an hour away from here so I won't have to deal with my dad nearly as much.

 

[ZooGirl02]

I'm reading this, and tears are welling up in my eyes. My grandmother died earlier this year, and she was my dad's mother. I was closer to her more than anyone in my life, including my mom and dad. One thing I've learned about human behavior is that when we are hurting, we can sometimes hurt others. Your dad must be hurting over something, and it's not you, same with my dad. My dad is better, but shades of my childhood come rushing back at times, and I can't be expected nor can you...to just be doormats for these people, despite them being our parents, to walk on us when they feel the need. You can love your dad, but not like him. And you can do that from afar...big tight hug for you. I know what you're going through, Zoogirl.

Thank you very much Deidre.

 

[Curious George]

Hey everyone. I have a boyfriend whom I am having a son with. My son, Colton, is due to be born in August. My boyfriend, David, and I are both planning to marry each other as soon as we get my disability payment issues figured out.

Anyway, David and I both love each other very much but my dad hates him and tries everything he can to not only turn me against him but to keep me away from him. I wrecked my car a few months ago and my dad has already told me that one of the reasons why he won't help me get another car is because he knows I would use it to go and see David who lives one hour away from me.

My dad thinks that David does not love me. He thinks that David is manipulating me and using me. He is totally wrong on this though and I have repeatedly explained to him why he is wrong, but he is very stubborn and refuses to believe that I am correct.

Do you all have any advice to help me deal with this? It is quite hurtful to me that my dad hates the man that I love and want to spend my life with.

A couple of things on which to think:

Why is your dad against your boyfriend? You said he believes that your boyfriend is manipulating you and using you. But what evidence does he have of this. Perhaps you should try to understand your dad's perspective better and look objectively at your boyfriend.

Perhaps, your boyfriend is a threat to your dad. It is possible that your dad relies upon your disability income to help pay household bills and fears losing this. Now, I would hope your dad would be willing to gladly give up this income if he reasonably believed you were going to be happy, but that is not necessarily true.

Maybe you can try a different track with your dad. Perhaps trying to learn why he is concerned and what, if anything, would assuage his fears. Tell him you understand why he is concerned but you need to try this relationship because not doing so would cause to much regret and sadness.

 

[Deidre]

While that sounds like good advice George, she stated that her dad has been abusive to her in the past. Personally, I think catering to anymore of your dad's ''concerns,'' Zoogirl only gives him more license to feel he can treat you like a doormat. I do think we should always try to hear others' perspectives on who we are dating, but...not advice from abusive people, however who probably have a motive.

 

[Bunyip]

Why does your dad think he is manipulating you?

 

[Curious George]

While that sounds like good advice George, she stated that her dad has been abusive to her in the past. Personally, I think catering to anymore of your dad's ''concerns,'' Zoogirl only gives him more license to feel he can treat you like a doormat. I do think we should always try to hear others' perspectives on who we are dating, but...not advice from abusive people, however who probably have a motive.

It does not sound as though the situation is as simple as that. Inquiring about her dad's perspective can benefit her decisions.

While the abuse is especially alarming, given dependence upon her father, I do not see how understanding his perspective can cause additional harm. If he takes the opportunity to emotional berate her--this is possible, but it sounds like she is tied more deeply to her father than a conversation about the boyfriend. Moreover, giving him space to voice his opinions and feel heard can diffuse future abuse as well. Hearing advice does not mean taking advice.

While I staunchly support separating oneself from abusers, that certainly was not the situation that was presented. The emotional and verbal abuse sound like bullying and shaming behavior. The antecedent to which is "doing something he doesn't like." Listening to people's perspectives is not usually in that category.

That said, zoogirl is asking about advice to deal with her father's dislike of her boyfriend, a fact that is "hurtful." My advice addresses this and in no way makes zoogirl a doormat. If zoogirl chooses to simply avoid her father and get away from her father and lessen his contact and control, I will fully support her. But, this does not address her original problem. While the counter argument to this is that her father needs to be ignored and his dislike cannot be helped, I disagree. There are different methods which can be tried.

Worse still, I would hate to imply that a person, who is necessarily dependent upon one person, jump to another person without careful evaluation when that persons integrity has been called into question (enough so that it drove them apart once already).

Bottom line, this is a complex scenario wherein we do not know all of the moving parts. My advice is not confrontational, allows for reflection and analysis, and pivots her father to empathize with her choice to not heed his advice, if she so chooses. If you think this positions zoogirl as a doormat, I would be interested to hear how.

 

[Deidre]

I don't disagree with you George, and maybe her dad does have some legit concerns. There's always more details but from what we know here, I'd say that she should use her best judgment, and figure things out for herself.

 

[Iti oj]

This is common. Marry him and be happy.

 

[ZooGirl02]

Hi everyone. I just thought I'd update this thread.

Anyway, there is absolutely no evidence that David is manipulating and using me. He helped me buy furniture for my apartment, he helps me with groceries, he helps me with things for our son, he even bought me a promise ring for Christmas. I have presented all of this evidence to my dad and while he has become a lot less hateful towards David, he still does not trust David. Hopefully he will trust him in time.

That said, as far as marrying David goes, I can't marry him or else I will lose my SSI check. We have already checked into this. I have considered trying to go off of disability and trying to work but I know that I would not be able to work. My disabilities are too severe and I would not even be able to handle a part time job with fewer than 20 hours a week.

One thing that David and I have both identified as a huge problem is that my dad's girlfriend has control over my SSI. She controls my bank account and all of my money and bill paying. I am able to handle it myself with some initial assistance in learning how to do it again and so I have decided to gain full control over my bank account and finances. I only have to get a doctor to sign a paper saying that I am able to do it first and then Social Security will hand the controls over to me.

One of the major reasons why I am going to take control of my account is because there is over $100 of my money that is unaccounted for every single month. I have tried to figure out where the unaccounted money is going by having copies of my bank statements for the past year mailed to me but of course my dad's girlfriend intervened and told the bank not to mail them to me so now I have no way to investigate this further. Several people, including family members, believe that she is stealing from me and she does have a history of theft. She was fired from two jobs because of theft. I also believe it is likely that she is stealing from me and so I am probably going to end up reporting her for misuse of my funds, especially if I am able to get the solid evidence that I need from my bank statements.