rageoftyrael
Veritas
Okay, so i've written a few "chapters" of a science fiction book. Just finished in
fact, and i'm curious to see what people think of it. I'm gonna copy it down here, and hoping you guys can give me some notes on what you think of it. what you like, what you don't like, and what you think i could improve. k, here goes.
He walked down the road quickly. To a casual observer, he would appear to have a destination. Of course, the likelihood
of a casual observer was very small, as it was right around 3 am in the morning. The truth, was that he had no destination,
no plan. He was walking because he was trying to calm himself down. He was gripped in an irrational fear, that he was going
to die. Not because anyone was after him, or because he was sick. Nothing like that. It was because he was having an
anxiety attack.
He had tried to fight it off in his apartment, but it had felt stuffy, suffocating. He couldn't breathe in there. He had
to get out in the brisk night air, made more brisk by the fact that it was midwinter. Did the cold help him? Not really,
but he felt like it did. It gave him a distraction from the fear, the fear that was overriding his logic. No, that's not
true. His logic was still there, but he couldn't focus on it. He knew, with very little doubt, that he wasn't dying.
Unfortunately, that doesn't matter much when you are having a strong anxiety attack. As he walked, trying to think other
thoughts, distract himself from the fear, he began to look back on his life. What he had made of it, or more accurately,
what he hadn't made of it. He dropped out of high school shortly after he hit 16. He'd found a factory job, and decided
he didn't need school anymore. He'd never liked school much. Not the homework part, that had always come fairly easy to him,
but the whole dealing with people he didn't like on a regular basis part, that was why he quit.
Ironicly, a few short months after he had quit school, he lost his job at the factory. He'd twisted his ankle, and couldn't
do the job. He ended up quitting, though when he looked back on it, he realized he hadn't needed to quit. It was a foolish
thing to do. After that, he went from job to job, sometimes with long breaks between them. Up until he was 18, and after
that, he never went long at all without a job. He understood he needed to make his own way, couldn't sponge off of other
people. He had his pride.
He glanced down at himself, and didn't have much to be proud of there either. He was short, 5'9" tops, and a bit past being
chunky. He had brown hair, brown eyes. Not particularly attractive in anyway at all, really, especially when you take into
account the fact that he always appears to be perpetually squinting. When he considered his
personality, he understood he had plenty of areas of improvement. He came across as being arrogant, because he often made
jokes about how awesome he was or how smart he was. His friends didn't much like playing games with him, because he was
a terrible loser. He was plenty shades of lazy. He did have some upsides though.
He was a relatively cheerful person. Easy to get along with. He had little trouble making friends, if he extended the effort
to do so. Of course, when he looked at it, part of the reason he was so easy to get along with was just yet another one of
his many flaws. He had a fear that was akin to a phobia, that dealt with confrontation. He often felt like a coward, because
it was easier for him to walk away, than to confront someone who had upset him.
As he was walking, thinking of his many problems, he realized that he had begun to calm down. He'd been so absorbed in his
own self loathing, he hadn't noticed the fear slowly ebb away. He glanced around himself and noticed he was a good mile and
half away from his apartment in the podunk town he lived in, and turned around.
Had he been paying better attention, he might have noticed a small flash of green light off in a field to his right. It
wouldn't have made a difference, other than he might have been a little less surprised when two men stepped into his path,
several feet ahead of him. He walked a few steps closer to them before he realized they were there, and stopped moving
for a moment. He quickly realized that it was merely a coincidence they were there, and he tried to walk around them.
As they stepped in his way again, he really took a look at these two men. The one on the left, was a smaller guy, probably
a few inches shorter than himself. The guy on the right was significantly bigger, something like 6'4" or 6'5", and clearly
packed with muscle.
He couldn't make out much detail, as they weren't anywhere near a street light, and the men had put themselves into deep
shadow. He looked at them, said"excuse me." and tried again to step around them. Again, they shuffled a little, not
allowing him to pass. "Can i help you guys?" he asked quietly. A deep voice said "What's your name, boy?" He was a little
taken aback, cause at the age of 24, he didn't view himself as a boy. He glanced to the right, correctly assuming the
larger man would be the owner of that deep rumble of a voice and said" My name is Jimmy. Can i help you?"
"Yes, yes you can." came another voice. This voice wasn't particularly remarkable, and Jimmy assumed that it came from the
man on the left. "How's that?" jimmy nervously asked. The two men began to casually stroll towards Jimmy, and he began
to panic a little, and started stepping backwards. Alas, it wasn't enough, because the moment he started moving,
they rushed towards him with surprising speed. The larger man grabbed his shoulder, pulled one of his massive fists back,
and clocked Jimmy right in the temple. He saw a white flash, and blacked out.
fact, and i'm curious to see what people think of it. I'm gonna copy it down here, and hoping you guys can give me some notes on what you think of it. what you like, what you don't like, and what you think i could improve. k, here goes.
He walked down the road quickly. To a casual observer, he would appear to have a destination. Of course, the likelihood
of a casual observer was very small, as it was right around 3 am in the morning. The truth, was that he had no destination,
no plan. He was walking because he was trying to calm himself down. He was gripped in an irrational fear, that he was going
to die. Not because anyone was after him, or because he was sick. Nothing like that. It was because he was having an
anxiety attack.
He had tried to fight it off in his apartment, but it had felt stuffy, suffocating. He couldn't breathe in there. He had
to get out in the brisk night air, made more brisk by the fact that it was midwinter. Did the cold help him? Not really,
but he felt like it did. It gave him a distraction from the fear, the fear that was overriding his logic. No, that's not
true. His logic was still there, but he couldn't focus on it. He knew, with very little doubt, that he wasn't dying.
Unfortunately, that doesn't matter much when you are having a strong anxiety attack. As he walked, trying to think other
thoughts, distract himself from the fear, he began to look back on his life. What he had made of it, or more accurately,
what he hadn't made of it. He dropped out of high school shortly after he hit 16. He'd found a factory job, and decided
he didn't need school anymore. He'd never liked school much. Not the homework part, that had always come fairly easy to him,
but the whole dealing with people he didn't like on a regular basis part, that was why he quit.
Ironicly, a few short months after he had quit school, he lost his job at the factory. He'd twisted his ankle, and couldn't
do the job. He ended up quitting, though when he looked back on it, he realized he hadn't needed to quit. It was a foolish
thing to do. After that, he went from job to job, sometimes with long breaks between them. Up until he was 18, and after
that, he never went long at all without a job. He understood he needed to make his own way, couldn't sponge off of other
people. He had his pride.
He glanced down at himself, and didn't have much to be proud of there either. He was short, 5'9" tops, and a bit past being
chunky. He had brown hair, brown eyes. Not particularly attractive in anyway at all, really, especially when you take into
account the fact that he always appears to be perpetually squinting. When he considered his
personality, he understood he had plenty of areas of improvement. He came across as being arrogant, because he often made
jokes about how awesome he was or how smart he was. His friends didn't much like playing games with him, because he was
a terrible loser. He was plenty shades of lazy. He did have some upsides though.
He was a relatively cheerful person. Easy to get along with. He had little trouble making friends, if he extended the effort
to do so. Of course, when he looked at it, part of the reason he was so easy to get along with was just yet another one of
his many flaws. He had a fear that was akin to a phobia, that dealt with confrontation. He often felt like a coward, because
it was easier for him to walk away, than to confront someone who had upset him.
As he was walking, thinking of his many problems, he realized that he had begun to calm down. He'd been so absorbed in his
own self loathing, he hadn't noticed the fear slowly ebb away. He glanced around himself and noticed he was a good mile and
half away from his apartment in the podunk town he lived in, and turned around.
Had he been paying better attention, he might have noticed a small flash of green light off in a field to his right. It
wouldn't have made a difference, other than he might have been a little less surprised when two men stepped into his path,
several feet ahead of him. He walked a few steps closer to them before he realized they were there, and stopped moving
for a moment. He quickly realized that it was merely a coincidence they were there, and he tried to walk around them.
As they stepped in his way again, he really took a look at these two men. The one on the left, was a smaller guy, probably
a few inches shorter than himself. The guy on the right was significantly bigger, something like 6'4" or 6'5", and clearly
packed with muscle.
He couldn't make out much detail, as they weren't anywhere near a street light, and the men had put themselves into deep
shadow. He looked at them, said"excuse me." and tried again to step around them. Again, they shuffled a little, not
allowing him to pass. "Can i help you guys?" he asked quietly. A deep voice said "What's your name, boy?" He was a little
taken aback, cause at the age of 24, he didn't view himself as a boy. He glanced to the right, correctly assuming the
larger man would be the owner of that deep rumble of a voice and said" My name is Jimmy. Can i help you?"
"Yes, yes you can." came another voice. This voice wasn't particularly remarkable, and Jimmy assumed that it came from the
man on the left. "How's that?" jimmy nervously asked. The two men began to casually stroll towards Jimmy, and he began
to panic a little, and started stepping backwards. Alas, it wasn't enough, because the moment he started moving,
they rushed towards him with surprising speed. The larger man grabbed his shoulder, pulled one of his massive fists back,
and clocked Jimmy right in the temple. He saw a white flash, and blacked out.
