Why so many parents fail

[IndigoChild]

So many parents fail utterly to raise their children because they have been trained by society to treat children the way they would treat cattle or a misbehaving dog: as an animal in need of training. This fails not only because of the resentment of this treatment, but also because adults tend to be hypocrites. The whole "Do as I say, and not as I do" mentality. This mentality DOES NOT WORK. If you want your children to behave, you have to model the behavior you want them to follow, because every moment of life is a teaching. Teaching and learning begins at birth, and never ends... it is not just the job of schools.

The solution: think of children as the human beings they are, with thoughts and feelings of their own. And stop being a hypocrite, if you are one. If you don't know whether or not you are a hypocrite, ask the people who know you for their honest opinion. If they lie, then look inward: if hypocrites anger you so much that you almost go into a screaming rage over them, then you ARE one.

Kat

 

[Original Freak]

If you don't know you're a hypocrite, and eveyone you ask lies...then how will you ever know you're a hypocrite?

 

[Mike182]

hmmm

maybe, but even if a parent completely fails in this respect, i dont think any child will fail as a human being

C_P

 

[CaptainXeroid]

...but even if a parent completely fails in this respect, i dont think any child will fail as a human being...

I don't see that anyone is saying that, but wouldn't you agree that it is better for children to have parents who set a good example?

...If you want your children to behave, you have to model the behavior you want them to follow, because every moment of life is a teaching. Teaching and learning begins at birth, and never ends...

Excellent point and I wish more parents would get this message. The one reason I would add to why parents fail is they want to be their children's friend instead of being the parent.

 

[Melody]

So many parents fail utterly to raise their children because they have been trained by society to treat children the way they would treat cattle or a misbehaving dog: as an animal in need of training. This fails not only because of the resentment of this treatment, but also because adults tend to be hypocrites. The whole "Do as I say, and not as I do" mentality. This mentality DOES NOT WORK. If you want your children to behave, you have to model the behavior you want them to follow, because every moment of life is a teaching. Teaching and learning begins at birth, and never ends... it is not just the job of schools.

The solution: think of children as the human beings they are, with thoughts and feelings of their own.

Well, I have to say I did train my children the same way I'd train a dog. Consistent, reinforced behavioral training and setting guidelines but *with* modeling proper behavior on my part. I have always wondered why the "do as I say, not as I do" parents were surprised when their children turned out to be liars, thieves, etc.

I agree completely.

 

[Original Freak]

One thing I've noticed that we do at our place, that I see very few others do. We always get told how good the manners are with our kids, and I believe it's because when talking to them I say please and thank you to them, just as I expect them to say to me. I almost never see parents using their manners back to their children.

 

[EnhancedSpirit]

So many parents fail utterly to raise their children because they have been trained by society to treat children the way they would treat cattle or a misbehaving dog: as an animal in need of training. This fails not only because of the resentment of this treatment, but also because adults tend to be hypocrites. The whole "Do as I say, and not as I do" mentality. This mentality DOES NOT WORK. If you want your children to behave, you have to model the behavior you want them to follow, because every moment of life is a teaching. Teaching and learning begins at birth, and never ends... it is not just the job of schools.

The solution: think of children as the human beings they are, with thoughts and feelings of their own. And stop being a hypocrite, if you are one. If you don't know whether or not you are a hypocrite, ask the people who know you for their honest opinion. If they lie, then look inward: if hypocrites anger you so much that you almost go into a screaming rage over them, then you ARE one.

Kat

I believe most parents do the best they can. We must remember, that they can only use what they have, physically and emotionally. My mother was treated very cruelly by her father, and I'm thankful that she was able to break free of the abusive cycle. She was a heavy handed disciplinarian, but I never doubted that she loved me.

Until a person is taught differently they can only do what they know. They can only react to the stress of parenthood they way they were taught to by their own parents or by society.

And failure is really nothing more than delayed success.

 

[Shadow Wolf]

Another reason some parents fail, they aren't involved with the childs life, or they are to strict, afraid to let the child grow up, and take thier own risk and live thier own life.

 

[Faminedynasty]

I don't believe that all people are ethical, rational or fair enough to make good parents. In fact, millions of parents aren't. It probably has a lot to do with their own parents, the failures of the education system and the selfishness and greed that pervade our society. In addition, many parents don't know how to fairly and effectively discipline and teach their children respect, manners and morals.

 

[Fluffy]

Another reason why parents fail is they consider children to be stupid. Rather than explaining why an action is wrong or right, they simply issue an order.

It took 12 years for my own parents to realise this and now we get along wonderfully, a dramatic change from beforehand.

 

[Lintu]

My mom insists that she raised my sister (younger) and me the same, but she and I turned out *very* differently. I think that the problem is that we were treated the same while we actually needed to be treated differently. I love my mom--she's one of my best friends--and I'm cool with the way my parents raised me, but I definitely have my own opinion about how my sister should have been raised.

 

[DreamQuickBook]

Over-Tolerance and Political Correctness. Lack of discipline. Low expectations. Treating children like their are stupid. Talking down to kids. Television. Video Games. Internet. Not enough reading, sports and creativity. Crappy Diets. Forcing children to attend Church. Favoring siblings. Lack of respect between spouses. Lack of communication and love between spouses. Lack of spouse. Placing education entirely in the hands of the Government.

All reasons why parents fail and children suffer.

 

[Shadow Wolf]

Over-Tolerance and Political Correctness. Lack of discipline. Low expectations. Treating children like their are stupid. Talking down to kids. Television. Video Games. Internet. Not enough reading, sports and creativity. Crappy Diets. Forcing children to attend Church. Favoring siblings. Lack of respect between spouses. Lack of communication and love between spouses. Lack of spouse. Placing education entirely in the hands of the Government.
All reasons why parents fail and children suffer.

I would give you frubals but I cant.

 

[michel]

Well, I have to say I did train my children the same way I'd train a dog. Consistent, reinforced behavioral training and setting guidelines but *with* modeling proper behavior on my part. I have always wondered why the "do as I say, not as I do" parents were surprised when their children turned out to be liars, thieves, etc.

I agree completely.

Oh that is refreshing, Melody - I could not agree more. Bad behaviour totally ignored, good behaviour praised, setting guidelines, not giving in to temper tantrums (Which can be sooo embarassing in the middle of a supermarket) - but the result is worth it.

 

[IndigoChild]

If you don't know you're a hypocrite, and eveyone you ask lies...then how will you ever know you're a hypocrite?

It was in the original post: If they lie, then look inward: if hypocrites anger you so much that you almost go into a screaming rage over them, then you ARE one.

Kat

 

[IndigoChild]

Kat

hmmm

maybe, but even if a parent completely fails in this respect, i dont think any child will fail as a human being

C_P

True, but if you'll look around at our world, I think a lot of the mistakes we keep making over and over again could be solved by treating all people as people, regardless of age. Which involves a lot of listening, as well.

Kat

 

[IndigoChild]

I don't see that anyone is saying that, but wouldn't you agree that it is better for children to have parents who set a good example?
Excellent point and I wish more parents would get this message. The one reason I would add to why parents fail is they want to be their children's friend instead of being the parent.

Yes, the relationship (up until they leave the nest) should be more along the lines of teacher/pupil. Love being there, of course, but also respect.

Also, I would like to add that you cannot force someone to respect you... you have to earn it. The same goes with children. They will not respect tyrants.

Kat

 

[Scuba Pete]

I wonder how many glibly passing "judgement" on these parents actually HAVE kids.

Adam and Eve had the BEST parent anyone one could ask for... yet even THEY got kicked out of the garden. Too many kids blame their parents for their own inadequacies. I surely did it when I was a kid and before I became a parent.

I do my level best with my kids. I teach them MY values and after all is said and done, I allow them to make their own choice about what they believe. Look at the story of the prodigal son:

Luke 15:11 Jesus continued: "There was a man who had two sons. 12 The younger one said to his father, 'Father, give me my share of the estate.' So he divided his property between them.

13 "Not long after that, the younger son got together all he had, set off for a distant country and there squandered his wealth in wild living. 14 After he had spent everything, there was a severe famine in that whole country, and he began to be in need. 15 So he went and hired himself out to a citizen of that country, who sent him to his fields to feed pigs. 16 He longed to fill his stomach with the pods that the pigs were eating, but no one gave him anything.

17 "When he came to his senses, he said, 'How many of my father's hired men have food to spare, and here I am starving to death! 18 I will set out and go back to my father and say to him: Father, I have sinned against heaven and against you. 19 I am no longer worthy to be called your son; make me like one of your hired men.' 20 So he got up and went to his father.
"But while he was still a long way off, his father saw him and was filled with compassion for him; he ran to his son, threw his arms around him and kissed him.

21 "The son said to him, 'Father, I have sinned against heaven and against you. I am no longer worthy to be called your son.'

22 "But the father said to his servants, 'Quick! Bring the best robe and put it on him. Put a ring on his finger and sandals on his feet. 23 Bring the fattened calf and kill it. Let's have a feast and celebrate. 24 For this son of mine was dead and is alive again; he was lost and is found.' So they began to celebrate.

25 "Meanwhile, the older son was in the field. When he came near the house, he heard music and dancing. 26 So he called one of the servants and asked him what was going on. 27 'Your brother has come,' he replied, 'and your father has killed the fattened calf because he has him back safe and sound.'

28 "The older brother became angry and refused to go in. So his father went out and pleaded with him. 29 But he answered his father, 'Look! All these years I've been slaving for you and never disobeyed your orders. Yet you never gave me even a young goat so I could celebrate with my friends. 30 But when this son of yours who has squandered your property with prostitutes comes home, you kill the fattened calf for him!' 31 " 'My son,' the father said, 'you are always with me, and everything I have is yours. 32 But we had to celebrate and be glad, because this brother of yours was dead and is alive again; he was lost and is found.' " NIV

Quite often children just need to "come to their senses" just like the prodigal son. THEN they can see that they have pretty good parents who are doing their level best to do right by their kids. Are they perfect? Far from it, and there are some truly poor parents out there. But it's not nearly as dire as so many make it out to be.

 

[IndigoChild]

Well, I have to say I did train my children the same way I'd train a dog. Consistent, reinforced behavioral training and setting guidelines but *with* modeling proper behavior on my part. I have always wondered why the "do as I say, not as I do" parents were surprised when their children turned out to be liars, thieves, etc.

I agree completely.

Okay, but the main thrust of my post was that adults tend to treat children as sub-human or inhuman creatures, rather than as people with thoughts and feelings of their own.

Kat

 

[IndigoChild]

One thing I've noticed that we do at our place, that I see very few others do. We always get told how good the manners are with our kids, and I believe it's because when talking to them I say please and thank you to them, just as I expect them to say to me. I almost never see parents using their manners back to their children.

Too true, that.

Another thing that irritates me is "baby talk." It ruins the way kids talk. Talk to them like you would talk to any other human being... don't talk down to them. My parents did this with my sister and I, and we had post-college vocabularies by the time we were 10.

Kat