Why do I keep going to xian churches then do nothing?

[jasonwill2]

I going to remind everyone here that the DIR's are for "support and education", not picking apart every little thing I said and tearing me down. I'll do what I want, I'm my own god who makes my own decisions, and I had Satan's blessing in what I did. If anyone thinks I did something "stupid", then that's your problem.

All I said I ever would do was praise Satan in a Church, correct me if I am wrong. I do not see how that is really that bad. That was the whole point actually: I saw nothing wrong with it on an intellectual level, but I was terrifed on an emotional level. When I think about the typical purpose of renouncing the Trinity, I realized that I never "finished" it so to speak. I originally intended the last part of the ritual to be done in a Church when I said 'I rencounce your ghost' with a bunch of cusses and stuff. I ended up doing the last part half-emptily.

In a sense this was "finishing" what I started a few months ago. Sure, I got out of "salvation", but I didn't get out of the mundane fear.

edit: I apologize if I responded harshly; harsh words were spoken to me and so I needed to respond strongly so that my points would be heard.

 

[blackout]

Your OP did not make it sound like you simply wanted to talk to the pastor,
and yell a few parting words from outside as you were leaving.

But you know what? I really don't personally care what you do.

If it were my kid though?
I might remind you that you might want a job in town or something.
(and of course, people's perceptions of you can both open and close doors)

I have rather come to the conclusion that Occult=Hidden,
for good reason.
but maybe, this is just me.

I suffered years of damage in the Roman Catholic Church BTW.
So I know your frustration. It took me a good 3 years to ACTIVELY SMASH
all the Taboos they had laden my life with.
I did this at age 38.
I continued with my job as the paid pianist there at the church
for about a year after walking out on Roman Catholicism,
and in fact Christianity as anyone (but maybe a handful of gnostics)
would recognize it.
I finally became so ill I could not stay.
But I knew it was THEIR church, not mine,
and I was making an income there,
not only from the church itself,
but I had many private piano students
as a result of my connections and visibility there.

On a practical level you need to ask yourSelf
if your "confessions" and public "announcements"
will really help you in the end,
or possibly hurt you.

My resposnses BTW, were more that of displeasure with the adults in the thread.
Not with you.

 

[jasonwill2]

Actually, looking back at my original post what I at first said was:

"It's like I yearn to scream out "HAIL SATAN! 666! 616! IN NOMINE SATANA! SHEMHAMFORASH!" and quote the Satanic Bible. I get a small rush just typing this and my heart rate is shooting up pretty high."

and

"[SIZE=-1]What good is a ritual of blasphemy against a lying and unjust god who said that he was The God, when I can't liberate myself from the humans who used mundane fear? I'm starting to think that it's not a fear of Yahweh anymore, this wanting to scream Hail Satan at a Church, but rather a ingrained and brainwashed fear of the authority figures, those Pentecostals.''


[/SIZE][SIZE=-1]All I originally said was that I would start going on about Satan or w/e. Considering how terrified I was, I do not think I could go fully through it from the beginning. I was only describing my fantasy here, not what I was going to do. I still am still rifed with fear to fully pull it off.
[/SIZE][SIZE=-1]
[/SIZE][SIZE=-1]Also, if I "suffer" for being a Satanist, such as being fired or missed up for a job, that is HIGHLY ILLEGAL. That is discrimination. And if such a thing happened simply for my beliefs, I WILL SUE THE **** OUT OF THEM AND CAST CURSES.

I don't give a **** about this "keep your mouth shut and don't let anyone know your a Satanist" bull. It's sick and it's wrong that I can't be open about my beliefs when these xians can run around talking about their stupid little Jesus. I'm sick of it, if idiots want to DARE discriminate against me, they will feel the full wrath of lawyers, greater magic, and the pure HELL that is my tenacity.

I won't let some idiots deny me a job or whatever because of my beliefs. Again, discrimination based on religion is illegal. I have so many laws on my side on this, it would be legal suicide for a job in this day and age to fire me simply for my beliefs.


Ultraviolet, I think that you underestimate me. I've went through some really bad **** you probably can't even compare to; the abuse at the hands of my family I suffered is pretty bad. I'll admit though that with the exception of one person, they didn't beat me all the time, but abuse reaches further than just hitting a kid. For the last 5 years I have had the words "failure, freak, psycho, crazy, mess up, and 'the next columbine kid' " thrown in my face so many times it's not funny. I've been to the edge of suicide, staring into the Abyss of personal monsters, and cut my own flesh just to see how much blood I could get flowing. I've experienced a HUGE amount of stuff with no one at my side, no one there to defend me or help me, and no one GIVING A ****. I'm that kid that for most of his life had no friends, and maybe 2 or 3 close ones EVER.

From all the **** that I've endured, I think I could take a little legal dealings to put to shame xian misconceptions about my religion. If someone chooses to persecute me for my beliefs, they will be arrested. I always keep a number of the West Virginia Hate Crimes Hotline incase something stupid happens.

Also, I am an adult. don't treat me like a kid. You know very well as I do that you were criticizing me. I'll admit, I am still fuming and bubbling with rage about some of the things you said, thankfully I didn't read it all or I probably wouldn't be very intelligible right now.

Also for once can you stop typing that way? It messes with my eyes and is quite annoying. It doesn't make you unique.

@ everyone in general

really, all you "closet" Satanists need to grow some ******* balls and use the First Amendment like we should. There are so many laws now that protect discrimination from religion, creed, race, gender, sexual orientation and so on that it makes little sense to not be open about it. By keeping our mouths shut with apathy we are letting SRA style propaganda run amuk.

No wonder we get discriminated against, no one will ******* raise their voice to counter it or let people know we ain't killing babies and sacrificing virgins!

RAISE YOUR VOICES!


[/SIZE]

 

[blackout]

Whatever.

I'm finished with you.

 

[jasonwill2]

Whatever.

I'm finished with you.

Yay! I think I won.

With the dust cleared, the smoke blown in the wind, I can now get some real feedback here.

Didn't a staff member and a few people back ask some questions non-threateningly a few pages ago?

I will be willing to answer them now that that confrontation is over.

 

[jasonwill2]

It has occurred to me that I have a build up of hatred that needs to be indulged, I need to de-program myself.

I need to make a shocking blaspheme of great proportions. I wanna do things to Protestant Christian symbols that I can't speak of on these forums.

But I have a confession, I get off on it, emotionally, and maybe a bit sexually. I let my frustrations build up, until I fall into compulsion. It's a kind of sadomasochism. I let my frustrations and energies build up until I am on the brink of losing control, and then THAT is when I indulge, right before I lose all control. Then, for a few days, I get the biggest rush ever that just keeps coming and coming and coming.

I don't know what's wrong with me, if anything, but I let the hate and rage build up until it becomes oh so strong. I think part of it might be that I need to feel something to stop from going insane, or it could just be me coming out of a depressive cycle into a manic cycle as well too (i'm bipolar). I don't know. All I know is I have this extreme urge to defile and offend, and I want to do it so badly! I do not get it all the time, but it's so strong ever since I declared myself a Satanist in the Church.

gah!

Anyone have any suggestions? the only Chrisitan document I have to use in such a thing is a book of mormon, and I cant destroy that as i dont know where I would get another.

 

[ScottySatan]

I going to remind everyone here that the DIR's are for "support and education", not picking apart every little thing I said and tearing me down.
edit: I apologize if I responded harshly; harsh words were spoken to me and so I needed to respond strongly so that my points would be heard.

Yeah, why won't those nasty Satanists follow the rules?

I don't think you were treated so harshly considering who we are. No need to be hyper-defensive, it makes you look bad. Just be cool. At least two of us thought your idea had potential. But you gave a lot of people the impression that you were going to do something crazy.

Don't rely on the legal system to keep your career life happy for you if you're going to shout about Satan in the streets, unless you're prepared to accept the consequences of it not going in your favour. I wouldn't rely on the legal system to do **** all for me... for anything.

 

[ScottySatan]

I need to make a shocking blaspheme of great proportions. I wanna do things to Protestant Christian symbols that I can't speak of on these forums.

But I have a confession, I get off on it, emotionally, and maybe a bit sexually. I let my frustrations build up, until I fall into compulsion.

Anyone have any suggestions?

The important question is: Does this interfere with your life? Does it prevent you from doing any of the things that humans need to do, like have friends or get a job? Would life be better if this wasn't going on?

 

[jasonwill2]

Yeah, why won't those nasty Satanists follow the rules?

I don't think you were treated so harshly considering who we are. No need to be hyper-defensive, it makes you look bad. Just be cool. At least two of us thought your idea had potential. But you gave a lot of people the impression that you were going to do something crazy.

Don't rely on the legal system to keep your career life happy for you if you're going to shout about Satan in the streets, unless you're prepared to accept the consequences of it not going in your favour. I wouldn't rely on the legal system to do **** all for me... for anything.

that's why we got greater magic to stack the deck.

edit: I hate to use Joy of Satan... but http://www.angelfire.com/empire/serpentis666/Resources.html

 

[jasonwill2]

I'm guessing it's too late for this, but I must agree it's a rather immature thing to do. You have already denied the Holy Ghost, which in it's self is setting yourself free since it's supposed to be an unforgivable sin. And why the need for fear? If you haven't been a part of them for some time, they have no control over you. To say you have a fear of them is to acknowledge they have power over you, and shouting "hail Satan" will not break this power. All you have to do is realize your shackles were broken long ago, and the Dark Angel's light has driven away the shadows that have kept you afraid, and you can walk away and no one will come after you.
I'm also going to assume they done nothing, and probably just assumed you're a typical teenager/young adult. No cops, no violence, but if anything they might pray for you.
If you want real gratification, plant the seeds of doubt in their minds and work towards corrupting them. Make them see that the one they kneel before is the King of Slaves. Force them to know the values they cherish are not the values promoted by their God. When the preachers come knocking, give them a reason to flee and never return. But just to go to a church and yell "Hail Satan" will bring you only a very temporary gratification and will not fix your deeper problems.

Somehow, in my initial defensiveness I missed this. Actually, looking back I feel really embarrassed about how badly I overreacted. After a saw UV post a bunch of posts I just started skimming and misread some that I went and read them all thoroughly.

This part about corrupting them.. do not have the patience nor the time/physical energy to walk to a church 3 times a week for such a thing in cold/dark.

Though I said something earlier I think, but I am starting to consider that something really was missing when I renounced the Trinity. I dunno what, but I always felt like I didn't do it right somehow. Though for a few months afterwards I didn't even think of Christians, the thoughts are coming back some.

I thought at the time that the fear was "speaking my mind", and maybe it kind of is. I lived in fear of accidentally speaking my beliefs by threat of expulsion for 3 years. Originally my renouncation was supposed to end on a Church Night and I was supposed to do say " I renounce the holy Ghost" in front of Christians as the ultimate w/e ever. But I scrapped that around the time so that the ritual could end on Halloween, or something, I don't remember very well.

@ general

After I did this at the Church a few days ago, I thought to myself "do it at a couple other Churches until I get the guts to do it at my old school". And the more I think about it, the more I realize that like so many other times in my life, I probably won't be able to confront those people who made my life hell/miserable/hurt me.

I don't know anymore, I never really did. Maybe I thought this was a way to confront them' evil Pentecostals via proxy. That is probably what is was; just a proxy for the truth that I want to scream 666 at that oppressive hypocritical school and at my dad, at my dad for converting me into slavery to which I gave up all my teen years to.

If I was in this situation a year ago, I would say I hate myself right now, but I don't. Though maybe it is because I am on the brink of sleep exhaustion. All I can say right now as far as emotion is that I feel "unfilled". The liberation wasn't as big as it should of been, no one really noticed me at all.

Story of my life. Why do people wonder that I use verbal force to be heard? They are always ignoring and slighting me. Bah, now my subconscious is coming out. " Satan represents responsibility to the responsible"... get your act together Jason.

Yes, I just spoke in third person.

 

[Iti oj]

It has occurred to me that I have a build up of hatred that needs to be indulged, I need to de-program myself.

I need to make a shocking blaspheme of great proportions. I wanna do things to Protestant Christian symbols that I can't speak of on these forums.

But I have a confession, I get off on it, emotionally, and maybe a bit sexually. I let my frustrations build up, until I fall into compulsion. It's a kind of sadomasochism. I let my frustrations and energies build up until I am on the brink of losing control, and then THAT is when I indulge, right before I lose all control. Then, for a few days, I get the biggest rush ever that just keeps coming and coming and coming.

I don't know what's wrong with me, if anything, but I let the hate and rage build up until it becomes oh so strong. I think part of it might be that I need to feel something to stop from going insane, or it could just be me coming out of a depressive cycle into a manic cycle as well too (i'm bipolar). I don't know. All I know is I have this extreme urge to defile and offend, and I want to do it so badly! I do not get it all the time, but it's so strong ever since I declared myself a Satanist in the Church.

gah!

Anyone have any suggestions? the only Chrisitan document I have to use in such a thing is a book of mormon, and I cant destroy that as i dont know where I would get another.

Try a book store.
I went tthrough an anti religion period I would stop by churches ask questions of presit tell them what i beilife ask for clarifications and debate them i would go to books stores and move all the holy books into the fantasy section. When i would visit a church i would where pagan jewelry and the like .

 

[Adramelek]

These days in the work-a-day world I wear the mask of a clean cut, conservative looking average everyday person - I call it the "Damien Thorn approach", in that what you see is not necessarily what you get. :bat: I do this because I know I can't afford to lose a job for being too openly Setian or Satanic. The legal system does not work well for our kind, it's simply a hard fact of life. I've been fired from jobs before because I was too open about my personal beliefs. However, those jobs weren't worth the time and effort of taking legal action. And besides it has become my position that religion and politics are useless in the work place anyway. What I Am and what I do in my personal life is none of the business of my co-workers or for that matter profane society. The true Magician wears many masks and sometimes takes on multiple names of power in the manifestation of differing aspects of his Life's Magical Work.

Also, my very good friend UltraViolet is correct - Occult/Darkness= That which is Hidden. Think about it!

Xeper.
/Adramelek\

 

[Shadow Wolf]

[SIZE=-1]
I don't give a **** about this "keep your mouth shut and don't let anyone know your a Satanist" bull. It's sick and it's wrong that I can't be open about my beliefs when these xians can run around talking about their stupid little Jesus. I'm sick of it, if idiots want to DARE discriminate against me, they will feel the full wrath of lawyers, greater magic, and the pure HELL that is my tenacity.

I won't let some idiots deny me a job or whatever because of my beliefs. Again, discrimination based on religion is illegal. I have so many laws on my side on this, it would be legal suicide for a job in this day and age to fire me simply for my beliefs.[/SIZE]

Discrimination is illegal, but it's very difficult to prove. NEVER count on such laws being on your side or working to your advantage, because they most likely will not be there. Ask anyone who is black, GLBT, or female who has been wrongfully terminated or not considered for employment just how much such laws really work for them. And these groups have organizations and lobbyist fighting for them and even that is quite often not enough. I even know a Muslim girl that was fired from McDonalds for being Muslim. Of course that isn't the "official" reason, but such places know how to do it and get away with. Walmart especially has alot of experience in making such laws meaningless. And you have to think of it this way, if those groups that are legally protected have such a hard time, then how do you think a judge will look at your case which involves a religion that most think is a bunch of misguided and rebellious teens worshiping the devil? Indeed we are living within a society that works against us.
It does suck that it's a better idea to keep quite, but there comes a time when you have to ask is it worth it to loose everything just to flaunt a believe? There is a reason why the Church of Satan does not have any places of congregation. It's not an attack on you, it is the very real circumstances we live under.
Myself, I typically refer to myself as a Secular Humanist. Although it isn't exactly the same thing, it's close and my views (especially towards religion) can be mirrored without raising too many suspicions. And if I want to get my point across, or even considered at all, I simply know that option is thrown out the window if I use terms like Satanic to describe my believes. And considering my future career, there aren't too many people that will go to a therapist that is openly Satanic. And why would any institute keep a doctor that has very few, if any, patients?
And from a psychological and sociological perspective, it's very normal to put on a different act in front of different people. From an evolutionary perspective being able to adapt is preferred. And in all reality it isn't dishonest for many of the LHP to give an answer such as atheist or secular humanist when someone asks their views, and what is one more skeleton in the closet? But at the minimum, for your own sake, do not rely on anti-discrimination laws. It's your word against theirs, and theirs will never be worded to mention discrimination.
I have thought about doing similar things in my old church, where I went through years of torment. I was told the way I am is an abomination, but I stuck it out and prayed that by my good works God would heal me. My works were even so impressive to them they put a plaque on the wall with my name on it to recognize all that I done for the church. But I realized my shackles were broken and I am free of their influence. And while I do wonder if the "super christian" plaque is still on display, and that I would be delighted in seeing the looks on their faces when the realize the former me is just a faded memory, it's unnecessary as I have already defeated their control and the rush I would get would be short lived and I would probably forget that I done it anyways as it would be quite an insignificant action.

This part about corrupting them.. do not have the patience nor the time/physical energy to walk to a church 3 times a week for such a thing in cold/dark.

You don't necessarily have to go to their house of worship. They are on the streets, they come to your house, and it usually isn't too hard to find them when you are out in a crowd. I had a sociology assignment last semester that required us to break a folkway, and mine was approaching people and telling them of the violence and hypocrisies in the Bible. It was alot of fun and I actually got a few people to denounce their religion. And then the Jehovahs Witnesses haven't knocked on my door in over a year, after I made it clear I don't care for their religion by mocking God to their face. In my defense though I did warm them that I don't want to hear their views, and I KNOW they don't want to hear mine.

 

[jasonwill2]

These days in the work-a-day world I wear the mask of a clean cut, conservative looking average everyday person - I call it the "Damien Thorn approach", in that what you see is not necessarily what you get. :bat: I do this because I know I can't afford to lose a job for being too openly Setian or Satanic. The legal system does not work well for our kind, it's simply a hard fact of life. I've been fired from jobs before because I was too open about my personal beliefs. However, those jobs weren't worth the time and effort of taking legal action. And besides it has become my position that religion and politics are useless in the work place anyway. What I Am and what I do in my personal life is none of the business of my co-workers or for that matter profane society. The true Magician wears many masks and sometimes takes on multiple names of power in the manifestation of differing aspects of his Life's Magical Work.

Also, my very good friend UltraViolet is correct - Occult/Darkness= That which is Hidden. Think about it!

Xeper.
/Adramelek\

I hate the world!

Discrimination is illegal, but it's very difficult to prove. NEVER count on such laws being on your side or working to your advantage, because they most likely will not be there. Ask anyone who is black, GLBT, or female who has been wrongfully terminated or not considered for employment just how much such laws really work for them. And these groups have organizations and lobbyist fighting for them and even that is quite often not enough. I even know a Muslim girl that was fired from McDonalds for being Muslim. Of course that isn't the "official" reason, but such places know how to do it and get away with. Walmart especially has alot of experience in making such laws meaningless. And you have to think of it this way, if those groups that are legally protected have such a hard time, then how do you think a judge will look at your case which involves a religion that most think is a bunch of misguided and rebellious teens worshiping the devil? Indeed we are living within a society that works against us.
It does suck that it's a better idea to keep quite, but there comes a time when you have to ask is it worth it to loose everything just to flaunt a believe? There is a reason why the Church of Satan does not have any places of congregation. It's not an attack on you, it is the very real circumstances we live under.
Myself, I typically refer to myself as a Secular Humanist. Although it isn't exactly the same thing, it's close and my views (especially towards religion) can be mirrored without raising too many suspicions. And if I want to get my point across, or even considered at all, I simply know that option is thrown out the window if I use terms like Satanic to describe my believes. And considering my future career, there aren't too many people that will go to a therapist that is openly Satanic. And why would any institute keep a doctor that has very few, if any, patients?
And from a psychological and sociological perspective, it's very normal to put on a different act in front of different people. From an evolutionary perspective being able to adapt is preferred. And in all reality it isn't dishonest for many of the LHP to give an answer such as atheist or secular humanist when someone asks their views, and what is one more skeleton in the closet? But at the minimum, for your own sake, do not rely on anti-discrimination laws. It's your word against theirs, and theirs will never be worded to mention discrimination.
I have thought about doing similar things in my old church, where I went through years of torment. I was told the way I am is an abomination, but I stuck it out and prayed that by my good works God would heal me. My works were even so impressive to them they put a plaque on the wall with my name on it to recognize all that I done for the church. But I realized my shackles were broken and I am free of their influence. And while I do wonder if the "super christian" plaque is still on display, and that I would be delighted in seeing the looks on their faces when the realize the former me is just a faded memory, it's unnecessary as I have already defeated their control and the rush I would get would be short lived and I would probably forget that I done it anyways as it would be quite an insignificant action.


You don't necessarily have to go to their house of worship. They are on the streets, they come to your house, and it usually isn't too hard to find them when you are out in a crowd. I had a sociology assignment last semester that required us to break a folkway, and mine was approaching people and telling them of the violence and hypocrisies in the Bible. It was alot of fun and I actually got a few people to denounce their religion. And then the Jehovahs Witnesses haven't knocked on my door in over a year, after I made it clear I don't care for their religion by mocking God to their face. In my defense though I did warm them that I don't want to hear their views, and I KNOW they don't want to hear mine.

Why would you not want to tell them? Wouldn't that ruin many people's faith there? Anyway, I guess I'm just not the one to let an opportunity like that to pass itself up.

THIS COUNTRY IS MESSED UP!

Well, I COULD record everything to disprove things like "poor work performance".

 

[Shadow Wolf]

Well, I COULD record everything to disprove things like "poor work performance".

You can, but you are fighting against people who have often gotten away with it before, and can afford a better lawyer than you can. Which is another point, that it takes money to fight. It is messed up, it says alot about how "god" has influenced our nation, but the reality is is it stacks the odds against minorities.
And even in court, it's likely a lawyer would advise you to keep quite about your Satanic views as to not damage your character. Of course it really doesn't damage your character, but you have to think about how others see it.

 

[Adramelek]

]I hate the world![/quote]

My dear Jasonwill, where is that going to get you in your Life?

Xeper.
/Adramelek\

 

[Iti oj]

let go of your hate ans agnst... be you but dont force you onto others

 

[jasonwill2]

My dear Jasonwill, where is that going to get you in your Life?

Xeper.
/Adramelek\

It will get me to a point to where I get so mad at all the people who stabbed me in the back and hurt me so bad with all the terrible and life-altering betrayals and wrongs...

...that i'll start placing curses on them, one by one.

I'll start hexing them all until finally the forces of darkness have caused a terrible accident for all of them. Destruction magic, yay!

Off the top of my head I can think of 3 or 4 people that would great targets for that.

But I know, I need to get off this kind of thinking. If I get carried away with it all I might one day decide to hex someone that I might later regret placing a curse on.



in other news

I will now be attending the Church a bit' over a mile from my house on a regular basis. I know two familes there that I knew up in the fundy church in my old town. They left because the new pastor has no 'depth' and preaches very simply.

This church I am going to is Baptist. Anyway, I knew both familes for 3-4 years. One of the kids of one of those families knows im a satanist because hes on my facebook. He said he wont tell, which will make this easier.

What I am going to do is go there for social interaction and making friends. Now, when I find exactly who I was supposed to erode the faith of (I kinda' felt like that at one point Satan offered to give me something dear that I have been trying to find if I would do one of two things, this being one of the options), if it wasn't just the Church in general.

I need to be sneaky about it though, only being vague when the time comes to strike for when I need to sow the seeds of doubt. I'll probably find some persons that believe the view "either all the Bible is correct or none of it is", and then when the time is right and they ask I will try to disprove creationism to them.

Even if they do not deconvert to w/e, then they may become liberal Christians and all-together less ignorant people. It's a win-win either way (for me).

And in case anyone is wondering why I would do such a thing, it's my job as a Satanist. Ha-Satan translates into "The Accuser", and so I must accuse. I must test Christians and try to lead them away when possible. This is my duty, for it is what Satan wants me to do; to lead people away from their indoctrinated systems so that they can decide for themselves on an intellectual level what they believe, Christianity or not.


I hope I do not regret letting all my thoughts flow out of my head onto this keyboard.

 

[Iti oj]

ypu might end up doing gods work testing his faithfull something for the to strive against. also verify their fears and beliefs pushing them deeper into fundamentalism

 

[jasonwill2]

ypu might end up doing gods work testing his faithfull something for the to strive against. also verify their fears and beliefs pushing them deeper into fundamentalism

0.0

good point.