Why Can't You Just Be Nice?

[columbus]

New In the heat of debate, why do some of you feel the need to behave like a jerk or be disrespectful to get your point across?

Because Almighty God made me that way.
Tom

 

[dybmh]

Stop creeping and grow a full set!

Don't jealous...

 

[Darkforbid]

Great post.

I think I understand why.

Some people had such a horrible youth (abandoned, raped, abused, beaten etc), that they are filled to the brim with anger and hate.

Every word just triggers their "being abused memories + added hate".

They don't have Self Control yet, hence it happens. They are not even aware they do it. But telling them won't even work as their trauma is too big. As defense mechanism they put up a huge arrogant Ego, which makes it even more impossible to get through to them.

Once a woman said something very mean to me and I went into coma. I could not help it (a deep emotional trauma was triggered).

With them it's the same only the other way around, they send people into 'coma'.

I believe it's as simple as that.
Though simple to understand, it's almost impossible to reverse (both ways; though the pleaser is curable of 'being too nice', the narcissist is more difficult to cure of 'being too bad').

Note:

Spoiler: Note: I don't excuse them. No way. I understand them.

Our duty is to make them aware IMO. Hence I love RF Rules (and the report option is a good last resort) . That's all we can do. Oh, and the frubals are also good (and good you don't have hate frubals, because such people would abundantly abuse them)

So, unfortunately we can't do much, and even worse, it takes ages to heal. Indian Scriptures even say "Ego is hard to conquer, Spiritual Ego is almost impossible to overcome".

Narcissists seem to fall into that category as some act and speak if they are God (beyond any Law). So again, the more restricted rules on RF the faster they can learn (or run away). In both cases they are of your back.

Hence they advice "No Contact is the best contact to have with narcissists". They hate being abandoned and out of control. Silence is the perfect treatment.

And I bet you don't see any of that as insulting

 

[Brickjectivity]

I boast at having no warnings on my record, but I also have difficulty thinking up clever smack-downs. I wish I could. I could not, of course, use them in this forum! If I were very smooth I'd be a lot more tempted to show off.

In the heat of debate, why do some of you feel the need to behave like a jerk or be disrespectful to get your point across?

I've been in heated debates, while I occasionally resort to sarcasm or snark either to get my point across or to inject humor, I do my best to maintain a level of respect for the person with which I'm engaged.

People like to entertain and to be funny, and we like to show off our intelligence. I have noticed that very often insults are accompanied by an active and powerful mind. It takes brainpower to come up with a good one on the spot. That is unfortunate but true. I enjoy reading a very clever insult. When I read Shakespeare (Ok I don't often read but...) it seems to be made up of at least 70% insults with a little poetry to patch everything together into a storyline. Shakespeare is the most transformative English literature, something which shook the language and remade it. It was because the insults were so good. Sometimes insults can make things interesting provided that nobody's feelings are getting destroyed, and everybody wants to be interesting.

I wonder why others here struggle to do the same. Would you walk up to someone on the street and speak with someone the way you do here? I'm sure some of you would have your bell rung for the lack of respect you display here if you displayed such in real life.

Not me. Not on the street nor with family. Maybe with friends I would, but even friends misunderstand. It takes a close bond. In the end insults are mostly useless for friendly purposes.

Bad poetry is usually the fault of the poet and not of the reader. While I like a good insult its easy for me to accidentally offend people or to be offended -- or misunderstood. There is something poetic about an insult that leaves it open to interpretation. That is problem with the whole insults thing. You think you're saying one thing, but people hear something else. Its not just what you say but what people hear. If you're smooth you can deliver both pleasure and pacification, but most people aren't.

Is it because you have a degree of anonymity here?

Does behaving like a jerk to others somehow make you feel better about yourself?

Discounting new members here (who sometimes get confused when they find themselves confused about who is who), I think that there are different classes of insult-ors. In considering the several forums I have frequented over the decades, different people have different reasons.

Some seek individuation for psychological reasons. They are powerfully driven to insult others. They have an 'Insult problem'. They're like those people who have a mental problem that makes them shoplift. Obviously I don't excuse it, but I think its a real thing that I've observed upon occasion. I think its an actual, real, condition that some people need to see a doctor about.

 

[stvdv]

And I bet you don't see any of that as insulting

I tried to answer the best I could. But I am far from perfect. This I know. But I am willing to admit mistakes. So I will be more then happy to correct the insulting parts. Or even delete the post.

So help me out. Tell me where I went wrong/off.

Note: I was speaking from my own experience. I had narcissistic habits that were very hard to reverse. And still working on it. I also have plenty pleaser habits, also hard to reverse.

Note: When I was confronted with my narc habits I said thank you to the person. I did not feel insulted. If I make mistakes, I try hard to get rid of them

 

[stvdv]

Because Almighty God made me that way.
Tom

You were already debating in the cradle?

 

[crossfire]

In the heat of debate, why do some of you feel the need to behave like a jerk or be disrespectful to get your point across?

I've been in heated debates, while I occasionally resort to sarcasm or snark either to get my point across or to inject humor, I do my best to maintain a level of respect for the person with which I'm engaged.

I wonder why others here struggle to do the same. Would you walk up to someone on the street and speak with someone the way you do here? I'm sure some of you would have your bell rung for the lack of respect you display here if you displayed such in real life.

Is it because you have a degree of anonymity here?

Does behaving like a jerk to others somehow make you feel better about yourself?

There really is no need to be a jerk. Many people have the tendency to take a refutation of an argument as a personal attack when none was intended. (It can be a sort of a damned if you do, damned if you don't situation.)

Whether people taking things personally when they are not personal is a conditioned response to repeated personal attacks is debatable.

 

[TransmutingSoul]

I boast at having no warnings on my record, but I also have difficulty thinking up clever smack-downs.

I can give you 15 or so, would you like some. I love sharing.

Regards Tony

 

[Revoltingest]

In the heat of debate, why do some of you feel the need to behave like a jerk or be disrespectful to get your point across?

I've been in heated debates, while I occasionally resort to sarcasm or snark either to get my point across or to inject humor, I do my best to maintain a level of respect for the person with which I'm engaged.

I wonder why others here struggle to do the same. Would you walk up to someone on the street and speak with someone the way you do here? I'm sure some of you would have your bell rung for the lack of respect you display here if you displayed such in real life.

Is it because you have a degree of anonymity here?

Does behaving like a jerk to others somehow make you feel better about yourself?

I see being a jerk as a choice.
Some do it reflexively, without consideration or art.
I choose when & the extent to which I want to be a jerk.
There are times when I'm called to spank someone being mean.
Is this better? I'm not claiming that. It's just my choice.
But for those who are kind &/or civil...I really try to be the same.

 

[SalixIncendium]

I find overly nice annoying. When someone just continues to agree with you, it seems that they don't have a stance. The opposite is true too as with some folks, it seems like will always disagree with you, no matter what you say.

Then there is the lack of facial expression, lack of body language. sensitivity variances, and all that other hard to read vague stuff that we're limited to by simple words on a screen. For example, how many times is sarcasm taken for real here, and in a later post the person has to say "I was being sarcastic"?

I think many of us (me, for sure) are actually surprised when somebody accuses us of being rude. Really? Just because you disagree or put forward an alternate view doesn't mean you're rude.

This isn't really what I'm talking about. I see nothing wrong with a heated debate tempered with a bit of sarcasm.

But there are those that resort to attacking someones character or write something with the intent to belittle. These are the sort of posts I'm talking about. Those who are simply behaving like jerks.

 

[columbus]

You were already debating in the cradle?

Can't say my verbal skills were as honed as they are now, 60 years later.

But my family likes telling stories about how difficult I was starting as an infant.
Do you find that surprising?
Tom

 

[SalixIncendium]

There really is no need to be a jerk. Many people have the tendency to take a refutation of an argument as a personal attack when none was intended. (It can be a sort of a damned if you do, damned if you don't situation.)

Whether people taking things personally when they are not personal is a conditioned response to repeated personal attacks is debatable.

The intent is clear from a third party perspective. I wasn't even considering at content directed at me when I posted this. The OP was inspired by a debate I was reading between a couple of other members, which got me thinking of many others I've seen (and in many cases, mopped up).

 

[Brickjectivity]

My weakness is that I'm a counter-puncher. My instinct is to try to finish it if someone else starts.

So if someone else uses "moose face" to use a neutral example, I'll be tempted to use "moose face" in return and think the other is trying to project their own problem onto me.

You mostly post in games & jokes which is often treated a little differently.

 

[Cooky]

Can't say my verbal skills were as honed as they are now, 60 years later.

But my family likes telling stories about how difficult I was starting as an infant.
Do you find that surprising?
Tom

You Sir, are an obvious troublemaker.

 

[columbus]

You mostly post in games & jokes which is often treated a little differently.

It's wienieville.
Tom

 

[Cooky]

This isn't really what I'm talking about. I see nothing wrong with a heated debate tempered with a bit of sarcasm.

But there are those that resort to attacking someones character or write something with the intent to belittle. These are the sort of posts I'm talking about. Those who are simply behaving like jerks.

I ran into a guy like that here once. We were like oil and vinegar. Even @Revoltingest couldn't stand him.

...He doesn't come around much anymore.

 

[Brickjectivity]

It's wienieville.
Tom

Its apocalyptic literature. Cyclical. You have to grok its meaning.

 

[SalixIncendium]

I ran into a guy like that here once. We were like oil and vinegar. Even @Revoltingest couldn't stand him.

...He doesn't come around much anymore.

I like oil and vinegar. It can make a pretty good dressing.

 

[Darkforbid]

You were already debating in the cradle?

That is a stupid question. He didn't say anything like I was that way as an infant, just God made him that way

You probably think whichever 'happy clappy philosophy' you follow develops the mind. The reverse is true they shut the mind down

 

[Cooky]

I like oil and vinegar. It can make a pretty good dressing.

What..? That's only for dippin' bread in.