"Why Can't I Own A Canadian"?

[Runt]

Why Can't I Own a Canadian?
October 2002

Dr. Laura Schlessinger is a radio personality who dispenses advice to people who call in to her radio show. Recently, she said that, as an observant Orthodox Jew, homosexuality is an abomination according to Leviticus 18:22 and cannot be condoned under any circumstance. The following is an open letter to Dr. Laura penned by a east coast resident, which was posted on the Internet. It's funny, as well as informative:

Dear Dr. Laura:

Thank you for doing so much to educate people regarding God's Law. I have learned a great deal from your show, and try to share that knowledge with as many people as I can. When someone tries to defend the homosexual lifestyle, for example, I simply remind them that Leviticus 18:22 clearly states it to be an abomination. End of debate. I do need some advice from you, however, regarding some of the other specific laws and how to follow them:

When I burn a bull on the altar as a sacrifice, I know it creates a pleasing odor for the Lord - Lev.1:9. The problem is my neighbors. They claim the odor is not pleasing to them. Should I smite them?

I would like to sell my daughter into slavery, as sanctioned in Exodus 21:7. In this day and age, what do you think would be a fair price for her?

I know that I am allowed no contact with a woman while she is in her period of menstrual uncleanliness - Lev.15:19- 24. The problem is, how do I tell? I have tried asking, but most women take offense.

Lev. 25:44 states that I may indeed possess slaves, both male and female, provided they are purchased from neighboring nations. A friend of mine claims that this applies to Mexicans, but not Canadians. Can you clarify? Why can't I own Canadians?

I have a neighbor who insists on working on the Sabbath. Exodus 35:2 clearly states he should be put to death. Am I morally obligated to kill him myself?

A friend of mine feels that even though eating shellfish is an abomination - Lev. 11:10, it is a lesser abomination than homosexuality. I don't agree. Can you settle this?

Lev. 21:20 states that I may not approach the altar of God if I have a defect in my sight. I have to admit that I wear reading glasses. Does my vision have to be 20/20, or is there some wiggle room here?

Most of my male friends get their hair trimmed, including the hair around their temples, even though this is expressly forbidden by Lev. 19:27. How should they die?

I know from Lev. 11:6-8 that touching the skin of a dead pig makes me unclean, but may I still play football if I wear gloves?

My uncle has a farm. He violates Lev. 19:19 by planting two different crops in the same field, as does his wife by wearing garments made of two different kinds of thread (cotton/polyester blend). He also tends to curse and blaspheme a lot. Is it really necessary that we go to all the trouble of getting the whole town together to stone them? - Lev.24:10-16. Couldn't we just burn them to death at a private family affair like we do with people who sleep with their in-laws? (Lev. 20:14)

I know you have studied these things extensively, so I am confident you can help. Thank you again for reminding us that God's word is eternal and unchanging.

Your devoted fan,
Jim

http://www.humanistsofutah.org/2002/WhyCantIOwnACanadian_10-02.html

Feel free to answer the good man's questions... if you dare.

 

[Random]

Weird thread. What's it all aboot, anywho?

 

[9-10ths_Penguin]

If you wanted to own a Canadian, you're too late.

You should've bought yours a few years ago when the exchange rate was around $0.70 CDN/$1 US. Now the Canadian dollar's close to parity, you can't justify it financially any more.

 

[Darkness]

Praise be the person who wrote this article. It shows the absurdity of certain people's religious perspectives. The world is being enveloped in a wave of humanism. With any luck, God will have to scurry for His life and only exist in the most depraved minds or die altogether.

 

[jonny]

That was pretty funny.

 

[Booko]

Dr. Laura Schlessinger is a radio personality who dispenses advice to people who call in to her radio show. Recently, she said that, as an observant Orthodox Jew, homosexuality is an abomination according to Leviticus 18:22 and cannot be condoned under any circumstance.

That's pretty strange, Runt, considering years ago I heard her say that same-sex couples adopting older children (toddlers+) was surely a mitzvot.

But then, she started getting a little weirder about the time she went bonkers about the American Library Association.

Does anyone here listen to her nowadays? I haven't in ages.

 

[Quagmire]

Well Runt, we all talked about it and we decided yes, you can own a Canadian, but remember; he's your responsibility.

The first time one of us logs in here and finds his water dish empty he's going right back to Winnepeg.

 

[Runt]

Well Runt, we all talked about it and we decided yes, you can own a Canadian, but remember; he's your responsibility.

The first time one of us logs in here and finds his water dish empty he's going right back to Winnepeg.

Zomg, I'll keep his dish filled with FLAVORED water! With minerals and stuff! He'll be so happy, I promise!

(This is seriously not where I expected this thread to go, btw.... maybe I named it poorly...?)

 

[Quagmire]

Zomg, I'll keep his dish filled with FLAVORED water! With minerals and stuff! He'll be so happy, I promise!

(This is seriously not where I expected this thread to go, btw.... maybe I named it poorly...?)

Not at all. The title's actually a pretty good attention grabber and sums up the theme of the OP nicely.

 

[Runt]

Not at all. The title's actually a pretty good attention grabber and sums up the theme of the OP nicely.

Perhaps, but... nobody seems to actually be commenting on the questions posed by "Jim". I can't figure out if this is because the thread title is so silly that folks are way more inclined to comment on THAT than the questions, if the original post is too long for folks to read, or if nobody feels like tackling the questions (because they're hard, old, annoying, etc)...

 

[Ðanisty]

Does anyone here listen to her nowadays? I haven't in ages.

No, but let me tell you a story. One of the women on MSSN (Military Spouse Support Network) forums has a radio show and was supposed to have an interview with her. Dr. Laura stood her up TWICE. She keeps having her assistant call at the last minute to cancel leaving this poor woman with no program for the show. And supposedly Dr. Laura supports the military. :sarcastic

 

[MaddLlama]

LOL Thanks for that. I haven't read it in years. I almost forgot about it!

*goes off to find out where to buy a Canadian*

 

[Quagmire]

Perhaps, but... nobody seems to actually be commenting on the questions posed by "Jim". I can't figure out if this is because the thread title is so silly that folks are way more inclined to comment on THAT than the questions, if the original post is too long for folks to read, or if nobody feels like tackling the questions (because they're hard, old, annoying, etc)...

Probably all of the above to some extent, Runt.

Mostly though I think it's just a matter of the author already having said everything there is to say about this.

Jim's letter effectively demonstrates the absurdity of refering to Leviticus to justify the condemnation of homosexuality as well as showing anyone who's trying to go that route to justify their own homophobia just how weak and ridiculous (and hypocritical) their argument is.

Nobody from the "it's an abomination to God" camp is going to want to touch this one with a ten foot pole.

As for the rest of us, like I say the author's already said everything that there is to say (and with more style than most of us would have).

Call it silence from deferrence.

I'm glad you posted this though. I've seen this letter before, even went looking for it online once with the intention of posting it in here. Just didn't know where to look.