• Welcome to Religious Forums, a friendly forum to discuss all religions in a friendly surrounding.

    Your voice is missing! You will need to register to get access to the following site features:
    • Reply to discussions and create your own threads.
    • Our modern chat room. No add-ons or extensions required, just login and start chatting!
    • Access to private conversations with other members.

    We hope to see you as a part of our community soon!

Why Adult Children Are Cutting Off Their Parents More Than Ever

Stevicus

Veteran Member
Staff member
Premium Member
Why Adult Children Are Cutting Off Their Parents More Than Ever (msn.com)

Whether it's Megan and Thomas Markle or Britney and her teen sons, celebrity family feuds are having a moment. Nevertheless, with roughly 10 percent of Americans estranged from a parent or child, you very likely know someone in your own life with parental problems.

Therapists and researchers believe that rifts in families are becoming more common, particularly with adult children stopping contact with one or both parents. A study in 1997 explored family relationships in later life and found that 7 percent of adult children had cut ties with their mother and 27 percent from their father. In 2020, research by sociologist Karl Pillemar showed that 1 in 4 Americans are estranged from their families—roughly 67 million people.

Simone Bose is a relationship therapist based in London. She deals with family issues every day in her practice, including estrangement, with her clients coming from a range of backgrounds and circumstances.

"It's never an easy decision," she told Newsweek. "It's the hardest thing in the world to separate yourself from your parents.

"They were your everything as a child, and no matter what age they are your parents can be huge in your life.

"I think people are becoming more aware about mental health and how being in touch with their parents can affect their life and self-esteem."

What I found interesting is that there are some differences in perception regarding the reasons some children estrange themselves from their parents.

According to Bose, these are the top reasons why adult children cut off their parents:

  • Toxic behavior
  • Difference in values
  • A lack of support
  • Physical, emotional, or sexual abuse
  • Failure to empathize
  • Changing times
Dealing With Toxic Behavior From Your Parents
Last year, researchers at Ohio State University asked over 1,000 estranged mothers the reasons they believed their adult children had cut contact. Almost 80 percent felt that a third party, such as the other parent, a relative or their child's partner, was to blame.

One of the possible causes cited was parental narcissism, which makes a lot of sense when you think about it.

Studies suggest that parents and adult children rarely agree on the reasons for the rift, with children more likely to report toxic behavior—such as a lack of empathy, refusing to respect boundaries, and being highly critical or malicious—as the reason for cutting a parent out of their lives.

Bose said: "I had a client whose mother was very dominating and critical. Part of it was the cultural aspect and 'respecting your elders,' so he tolerated a lot from her.

"However, his brother has estranged himself from their mother, as she was getting so involved in his marriage."

Bose explained that the mother was demonstrating narcissistic behavior. Parental narcissism has been shown to greatly impact a child's self-esteem and personal development, leading to self-doubt or feeling unworthy or love as an adult.

"[Narcissistic parents] don't have healthy boundaries with their adult children and can be critical, needy or portray themselves as 'the victim,'" said Bose.

"Sometimes all you can do is restrict contact with this person."

It's not just due to sexual or physical abuse, but also emotional abuse, although there appears to be a disparity in perceptions there:

A 2015 study by the University of Cambridge revealed that past actions could be just as triggering for adult children as current behavior. Although few people would question someone's decision to cut off a parent due to physical or sexual abuse, researchers found that emotional abuse was the most common reason participants distanced themselves.

77 percent of those surveyed said said emotional abuse during childhood was the reason they stopped contacting their mother, as did 59 percent of those estranged from their fathers.

In comparison, only 26 percent of estranged parents blamed emotional abuse for a rift with their daughter, with no respondents believing emotional abuse caused an estrangement with their son.

Mismatched expectations regarding roles and relationships can split families, as can personality clashes.

Bose said: "I've seen couples where a parent or in-law is very intrusive or whose values are offensive, and this starts to impact on their own parenting and the values they want to give their kids.

"They might start to see this person as toxic."

Politics can also cause familial rifts that can be difficult to overcome.

"I had a client who found it so painful to be in touch with his mother, who lived alone and followed a lot of conspiracy theory websites," Bose said.

"He's very political himself, and he found it hard to hear his mother distort her reality. He loved her, but he couldn't talk to her."

Sometimes, a lack of parental support can contribute to rifts later in life.

Parents That Never Support You
It might not be as obvious as physical or sexual abuse, but neglect or failure to support their adult children's life choices—both in the past and present—can led to estrangement. Even if all of their basic needs were met during childhood, ignoring a child's emotional needs can lead to mental health issues, substance abuse, emotional trauma and difficulty coping as an adult.

"I had a client who was gender-fluid and exploring her sexuality," said Bose.

"She felt very judged by her parents when she first came out, and she couldn't quite get over it.

"In therapy, things kept coming up about childhood and how she felt so misunderstood. She became triggered whenever she talked to them about her life and found it really difficult to have a relationship with them.

"She lived in a different city, so she had become more independent and had her friends as a support system, she felt she could make that decision."

Some parents appear to have a different take on this, blaming their child's sense of "entitlement" for their actions.

They say there are two sides to every story, and it's not uncommon for adult children and parents to disagree on the past. However, failure to acknowledge how their child feels can lead to anger or resentment.

Only 18 percent of the mothers in the Ohio study believed the estrangement was their fault, while many parents taking part in a 2015 study by the University of Nebraska blamed their child's "entitlement" for the rift rather than their own actions.

"It can be hard for people to acknowledge that they haven't been a good parent," said Bose.

"But the situation [moving forward] often depends on how well the parent receives the information."

Parents That Struggle To Handle Changes In The Modern World
Not only has family life changed significantly over the past 50 years, but there is also greater awareness of different lifestyles, identities and the choices available, making it easier for adults to create their own tribe without their biological families.

"There's a lot more support out there now, a lot more information," said Bose.

"If someone feels something about their life, they look it up, they join forums, they follow accounts on Instagram of people sharing their experiences.

"When people are feeling this way, they now have support to validate their choices."

Both of my parents have passed away, although there were some things in this article which chimed with me, particularly the part about parental narcissism. I recognize that in my own parents, and I've seen similar qualities in other humans who have offspring.

Exodus 20:12 says to "honor thy father and mother," but I later came to look upon that commandment as giving parents a license to abuse and mistreat their children. It also gives validation to parental narcissism.

I've seen cultural tropes about parents and families, and there seems to be a prevailing view that being a parent is some kind of noble, honorable thing and that the biological processes of procreation and giving birth somehow imbue some sort of special knowledge or wisdom about life. Our society tends to bend over backwards to accommodate this mindset, even to the point of standing by and allowing some parents to kill their own children by refusing blood transfusions or medical treatment. While no one comes right out and says that parents "own" their children like property, very often that's the ramification of what actually happens in practice.

Should we, as a society, rethink some of these attitudes and perceptions which might help enable abuse and mistreatment of children?

Has anyone here cut off their parents or other family members?

I can understand and empathize with the feeling quite well, as my mother, father, and step-mom were pretty much toxic.

I can look back on it now and try to reason it out from a more objective standpoint. Over the years, I've also learned that various kinds of "therapy" can be hit or miss. Everyone has their own campy explanations for why these things happen.

How much of a role should the state or society as a whole play in this? The prevailing view is that whatever goes on within families is a private matter and not for anyone to interfere, which is a fair and reasonable position to take. But there are times when we have to make exceptions.

What about the concept of "family" itself, at least when we consider the ideal "Leave It To Beaver" kind of nuclear family in America? Is this how things are supposed to be, or are there other ways of living that can be explored?

Thoughts?
 

VoidCat

Pronouns: he/him/they/them
I cut ties with my aunt who raised me and have minimal contact with my uncle. I aint talked to my foster parent in a while that's deliberate. My mom and dad I talk to tho cuz they been alright towards me
 

Revoltingest

Pragmatic Libertarian
Premium Member
I cut ties with my aunt who raised me and have minimal contact with my uncle. I aint talked to my foster parent in a while that's deliberate. My mom and dad I talk to tho cuz they been alright towards me
Aye, we shouldn't work to maintain relationships
that are toxic or just aren't worth it. As we grow,
family becomes more of a choice. Make good choices.
 

F1fan

Veteran Member
My twin sister cut off ties with our mother about 15 years ago, and cut off ties with me soon after. We had both met her husband who is not a good person. My sister and mom had disputes over the years, mostly over poor judgment of my sister. I made my fair share of mistakes, but I have worked to be a better person and remain neutral in how I relate to others in the family. Most in my immediate family are conservatives and I am a bleeding heart liberal, so I have been wise to not discuss politics very much. My mom was close to my views so we did talk quite a bit about politics.

My mom died about a year ago and she had taken my twin out of the will. So I inherited everything. My sister did finally talk to our mom a few weeks before she died, but she was in hospice and not able to have any meaningful conversation. My sister did call me and left messages. She wants to reconcile. I was given legal advice to not talk until the estate was settled. So no talk yet.

My sister has been in contact with our dad only to a limited degree. This is mostly birthday/Christmas cards. My dad knows everything about her alienation with mom and me. He has been trying to get my twin to come visit and she made many commitments that she broke soon before the trip. My dad has asked questions and gotten no direct answers. The result of this is that her trust fund has been suspended. She keeps acting like nothing is wrong.

So we have our annual family reunion in October. She says she is coming. Her trust fund hangs in the balance, which is seven figures. Dad says her husband is not welcome as we know now that he was behind her cutting off ties. So, no doubt she is suffering a great deal of stress and anxiety, and has an avoidant personality. I need to talk with her this next week to reconcile. Lucky me, I have to pick her up at the airport and drive 5 hours down, and then 5 hours back after the weekend. I will have to be cool and objective.
 

JustGeorge

Not As Much Fun As I Look
Staff member
Premium Member
Why Adult Children Are Cutting Off Their Parents More Than Ever (msn.com)





What I found interesting is that there are some differences in perception regarding the reasons some children estrange themselves from their parents.



One of the possible causes cited was parental narcissism, which makes a lot of sense when you think about it.



It's not just due to sexual or physical abuse, but also emotional abuse, although there appears to be a disparity in perceptions there:





Sometimes, a lack of parental support can contribute to rifts later in life.



Some parents appear to have a different take on this, blaming their child's sense of "entitlement" for their actions.





Both of my parents have passed away, although there were some things in this article which chimed with me, particularly the part about parental narcissism. I recognize that in my own parents, and I've seen similar qualities in other humans who have offspring.

Exodus 20:12 says to "honor thy father and mother," but I later came to look upon that commandment as giving parents a license to abuse and mistreat their children. It also gives validation to parental narcissism.

I've seen cultural tropes about parents and families, and there seems to be a prevailing view that being a parent is some kind of noble, honorable thing and that the biological processes of procreation and giving birth somehow imbue some sort of special knowledge or wisdom about life. Our society tends to bend over backwards to accommodate this mindset, even to the point of standing by and allowing some parents to kill their own children by refusing blood transfusions or medical treatment. While no one comes right out and says that parents "own" their children like property, very often that's the ramification of what actually happens in practice.

Should we, as a society, rethink some of these attitudes and perceptions which might help enable abuse and mistreatment of children?

Has anyone here cut off their parents or other family members?

I can understand and empathize with the feeling quite well, as my mother, father, and step-mom were pretty much toxic.

I can look back on it now and try to reason it out from a more objective standpoint. Over the years, I've also learned that various kinds of "therapy" can be hit or miss. Everyone has their own campy explanations for why these things happen.

How much of a role should the state or society as a whole play in this? The prevailing view is that whatever goes on within families is a private matter and not for anyone to interfere, which is a fair and reasonable position to take. But there are times when we have to make exceptions.

What about the concept of "family" itself, at least when we consider the ideal "Leave It To Beaver" kind of nuclear family in America? Is this how things are supposed to be, or are there other ways of living that can be explored?

Thoughts?


Too many parents forget the instruction in the Bible regarding how parents(particularly fathers) should treat their children...

I know when I was quite young(elementary age range) my Bible thumping dad shot the Biblical verse about children obeying their parents at me. I shot one back at him about parents not exasperating their children(there are several). He went silent and left the room... I think its safe to say he didn't see that coming. (Colossians 3:21 and Ephesians 6:4 are relevant).

Sometimes estrangement is absolutely necessary. My husband is estranged from his mother, who we consider to be a dangerous person, both from how he was abused in youth, and from the relationships she has with the two siblings that didn't cut her off. He chases after his father, who doesn't really seem to be interested in him. At all. He is loosely estranged from one of those siblings(not a whole lot of contact, keeping at arms length, but not outright 'leave me alone'), and totally from another, who tends to steal, manipulate, and throw tantrums(he once stole our utility bill money, and insulted my elementary age son; he's not allowed near the property).

Sometimes I think we're too hard on each other. Parents and kids. Too many parents don't understand that their children are not mini-mes, and they're going to have their own unique identities. "We didn't raise you to do this" is nonsense. You give guidance, but ultimately, the child will find their own life path. Aim to inspire, rather than clone. Be attentive to the child you have, not who you thought your child would be.

On the other hand, I see a lot of folks holding parents(both their own and other people's) up to impossible standards. Parents are people too, with their own insecurities and hang ups. After generations of parental worship, I think some are riding the pendulum back the other way, and I think there's a lot of biting going on at natural parental flaws(as no one is perfect). I'm not talking about abusive situations, just places where a parent may lack. "Mom wasn't affectionate enough; Dad didn't understand when I went to live in a commune." Mom and Dad might not have been bad people, but the child can't give up the disappointment between the parent they got and the parent they wanted.

In some cases, I think estrangement(that do not include abuse; one must always get away from an abuser) is a little dramatic. I don't like my sister, because I think she's a bad person. So I don't take calls from her, and only answer messages that will cause more issue not to answer than to simply answer. I don't not attend other events because she will be there. I feel that would be disruptive. I just go talk to someone else.

My mom has little to do with me. Estrangement isn't necessary. I don't even dislike her... I just see her for the very flawed person she is; acknowledging her good points along with her bad. One sister does the same(she ay be a little more involved than me), and the other can't get over the ways in which Mom lacks, and there is all kinds of drama and temporary estrangement between them. It seems like too much work.

I was emotionally abused by dad growing up, and was estranged from him for a time. He made a genuine effort to change(in all his relationships, which were mostly negative), and over about a decade of time, I began more regular contact with him.

Life is complicated. Sometimes estrangement is the answer. Sometimes moderation of relationships seems the answer. And sometimes recognizing that all of us, young and old, have something 'broken' about us is the answer, too.
 

Aštra’el

Aštara, Blade of Aštoreth
I can be narcissistic and sociopathic, but even I maintain strong ties with family, and take great pride in them.

I can’t imagine allowing petty differences to destroy so many generations of history.
 

Truth in love

Well-Known Member
Why Adult Children Are Cutting Off Their Parents More Than Ever (msn.com)





What I found interesting is that there are some differences in perception regarding the reasons some children estrange themselves from their parents.



One of the possible causes cited was parental narcissism, which makes a lot of sense when you think about it.



It's not just due to sexual or physical abuse, but also emotional abuse, although there appears to be a disparity in perceptions there:





Sometimes, a lack of parental support can contribute to rifts later in life.



Some parents appear to have a different take on this, blaming their child's sense of "entitlement" for their actions.





Both of my parents have passed away, although there were some things in this article which chimed with me, particularly the part about parental narcissism. I recognize that in my own parents, and I've seen similar qualities in other humans who have offspring.

Exodus 20:12 says to "honor thy father and mother," but I later came to look upon that commandment as giving parents a license to abuse and mistreat their children. It also gives validation to parental narcissism.

I've seen cultural tropes about parents and families, and there seems to be a prevailing view that being a parent is some kind of noble, honorable thing and that the biological processes of procreation and giving birth somehow imbue some sort of special knowledge or wisdom about life. Our society tends to bend over backwards to accommodate this mindset, even to the point of standing by and allowing some parents to kill their own children by refusing blood transfusions or medical treatment. While no one comes right out and says that parents "own" their children like property, very often that's the ramification of what actually happens in practice.

Should we, as a society, rethink some of these attitudes and perceptions which might help enable abuse and mistreatment of children?

Has anyone here cut off their parents or other family members?

I can understand and empathize with the feeling quite well, as my mother, father, and step-mom were pretty much toxic.

I can look back on it now and try to reason it out from a more objective standpoint. Over the years, I've also learned that various kinds of "therapy" can be hit or miss. Everyone has their own campy explanations for why these things happen.

How much of a role should the state or society as a whole play in this? The prevailing view is that whatever goes on within families is a private matter and not for anyone to interfere, which is a fair and reasonable position to take. But there are times when we have to make exceptions.

What about the concept of "family" itself, at least when we consider the ideal "Leave It To Beaver" kind of nuclear family in America? Is this how things are supposed to be, or are there other ways of living that can be explored?

Thoughts?

A few thoughts.

1. The child’s expectation to have anything they do approved of by their parents is quite insane. “Mom I’m going to join the mafia and be a hit man”. Should not be approved of. Unconditional love is great. Unconditional endorsement of stupid and harmful choices is a bad idea. Somehow a lot of people have confused these ideas.

2. The family is the foundational unit in any society. It needs to be respected. This respect is not a license for abuse.

3. Men and women are less likely to be abusive when married. (Grandma’s uncles etc. might be helpful but not as good as mom and dad). Unattached men are scary. Chasing dad out of the house often exposes kids to moms long list of new boy friends. This is high risk for kids. (Yes some step dads etc are wonderful people I’ve known several, but on a where they are scary and bring high rates of abuse). When men and women settle down and have kids they tend to be more empathetic and kind. In short being a parent tames them. Our rates of poverty, crime, bad education etc follow family stability pretty closely. (More so than any other set of factors I have ever seen in social science).

4. While the 50’s and 60’s TV families are a bit of a myth we would do well to stay closer to that vs the common family sit com of today where dad is a useless idiot and the kids are far wiser than the parents.

5. In school one of my class mates was really big on government sponsored day care. They found some peer review stuff showing that if all criteria was met a child in day care would do as well as being home with a parent. However the best daycares in the study only met 30% of the criteria.
While families are imperfect they are far better than any alternative we have devised. Sure support from the village helps, but it’s the ici on the cake not a replacement for it.
 

Truth in love

Well-Known Member
Why Adult Children Are Cutting Off Their Parents More Than Ever (msn.com)





What I found interesting is that there are some differences in perception regarding the reasons some children estrange themselves from their parents.



One of the possible causes cited was parental narcissism, which makes a lot of sense when you think about it.



It's not just due to sexual or physical abuse, but also emotional abuse, although there appears to be a disparity in perceptions there:





Sometimes, a lack of parental support can contribute to rifts later in life.



Some parents appear to have a different take on this, blaming their child's sense of "entitlement" for their actions.





Both of my parents have passed away, although there were some things in this article which chimed with me, particularly the part about parental narcissism. I recognize that in my own parents, and I've seen similar qualities in other humans who have offspring.

Exodus 20:12 says to "honor thy father and mother," but I later came to look upon that commandment as giving parents a license to abuse and mistreat their children. It also gives validation to parental narcissism.

I've seen cultural tropes about parents and families, and there seems to be a prevailing view that being a parent is some kind of noble, honorable thing and that the biological processes of procreation and giving birth somehow imbue some sort of special knowledge or wisdom about life. Our society tends to bend over backwards to accommodate this mindset, even to the point of standing by and allowing some parents to kill their own children by refusing blood transfusions or medical treatment. While no one comes right out and says that parents "own" their children like property, very often that's the ramification of what actually happens in practice.

Should we, as a society, rethink some of these attitudes and perceptions which might help enable abuse and mistreatment of children?

Has anyone here cut off their parents or other family members?

I can understand and empathize with the feeling quite well, as my mother, father, and step-mom were pretty much toxic.

I can look back on it now and try to reason it out from a more objective standpoint. Over the years, I've also learned that various kinds of "therapy" can be hit or miss. Everyone has their own campy explanations for why these things happen.

How much of a role should the state or society as a whole play in this? The prevailing view is that whatever goes on within families is a private matter and not for anyone to interfere, which is a fair and reasonable position to take. But there are times when we have to make exceptions.

What about the concept of "family" itself, at least when we consider the ideal "Leave It To Beaver" kind of nuclear family in America? Is this how things are supposed to be, or are there other ways of living that can be explored?

Thoughts?


On the issue of parents taking “honor thy parents “ to be a license to abuse this got taken on years back. I think it is a good snack down on it.

 

HonestJoe

Well-Known Member
Thoughts?
I'm not convinced the root causes of this have necessarily increased (though obviously some of the specifics will have changed), but there is greater social freedom for adult children to break off all contact from their parents without just being dismissed as ungrateful. I think with previous generations, there would be more examples of parents behaving horribly to their adult children but the children just suffering through it out of some sense of duty or expectation.

There could also be relevance due to breaking off contact actually meaning more in the modern era, with phones and internet meaning contact at distance can still be almost constant. In the not too distant past, you could go months not speaking to someone just because you physically couldn't rather than not wanting to so you could effectively distance yourself from someone without them even realising it, at least for some time. That simply isn't possible today and you pretty much have to actively cut off various forms contact.
 

Viker

Häxan
As a kid I completely cut my dad out of the picture. There was good reason. He was abusive on every level. Our relationship is the closest I had ever come to genuinely hating another. I grew up a little bit and had to let go of the anger and fear. We did get back in touch before he passed on. I'm glad for that. It brought peace I think we both needed. We still weren't close towards the end. But I could not conceive of hating him any longer. I also can confirm that the man had changed. He was totally different than I remembered. Dare I say, he grew into a good man.
 

Mock Turtle

Oh my, did I say that!
Premium Member
Perhaps in the future we will have some complaining as to being religiously educated/indoctrinated according to their parents' wishes - cutting off this avenue as to free-thinking. But perhaps not. :oops:

There has not been that much strife in my family, although I have been rather distant from so many in fact and as to contact. But something relevant did occur the other day. That silly distance thing that can often get between relationships, when two or more parties have a falling out, and years or decades pass almost unnoticed.

Such happened with me and my two brothers, when my mother left her home to me rather than it being divided between the three of us - as would normally have been expected. I had been living with my parents for some time and basically looked after my mother when my father died. I was in a pretty poor state financially at the time, and I presume my mother noticed this and made her decision accordingly. My brothers, on the other hand, seemed to be comfortably off - both had houses, were married and in good jobs - and such probably swayed her. I never had any conversations with my mother about this prior to her telling me that she wanted to leave the house to me.

So it was when she died, and some rather heated words passed between us - one brother at least - and the small amount of contact I had with them simply vanished overnight, given that they seemingly had just not accepted her decision. Not sure who was doing the cutting off, them or me, but I was not prepared to be called a liar or a thief, and where I could hardly prove that this was what our mother wanted, and they should just respect this. Given that she had dementia in her last years and might have said anything to placate others. But she was capable when she made the will and I did inform them of her decision at the time.

So, two decades came and went without a word between us - which was sad in retrospect given that before this there had been little animosity between the three of us and we usually got on well. Both brothers had helped me so often and been quite generous when younger. Imagine my surprise then when one brother and his wife turned up on my doorstep the other day - they live in Australia. It was almost as if there had been no two decades, and I felt the same pleasure in seeing them both as I would have done so long ago. My other brother contacting me shortly after was much the same. So much catching up to do.

Time is precious, so don't waste it. :oops:
 
Last edited:

stvdv

Veteran Member: I Share (not Debate) my POV
Both of my parents have passed away, although there were some things in this article which chimed with me, particularly the part about parental narcissism. I recognize that in my own parents, and I've seen similar qualities in other humans who have offspring
My parents are still alive, I think. My father had quite a few narc habits, and he preferred those over saying sorry.

So in essence "it was him who was not interested in a mutual respectful relationship". I just formalized it
 

stvdv

Veteran Member: I Share (not Debate) my POV
Exodus 20:12 says to "honor thy father and mother," but I later came to look upon that commandment as giving parents a license to abuse and mistreat their children. It also gives validation to parental narcissism
Those Christions forget the other verses about this subject

1) Let the children come to Me. Become like children.

This says it all. Childlike innocence and lack of narcissism is imperative
 

Twilight Hue

Twilight, not bright nor dark, good nor bad.
Too many parents forget the instruction in the Bible regarding how parents(particularly fathers) should treat their children...

I know when I was quite young(elementary age range) my Bible thumping dad shot the Biblical verse about children obeying their parents at me. I shot one back at him about parents not exasperating their children(there are several). He went silent and left the room... I think its safe to say he didn't see that coming. (Colossians 3:21 and Ephesians 6:4 are relevant).

Sometimes estrangement is absolutely necessary. My husband is estranged from his mother, who we consider to be a dangerous person, both from how he was abused in youth, and from the relationships she has with the two siblings that didn't cut her off. He chases after his father, who doesn't really seem to be interested in him. At all. He is loosely estranged from one of those siblings(not a whole lot of contact, keeping at arms length, but not outright 'leave me alone'), and totally from another, who tends to steal, manipulate, and throw tantrums(he once stole our utility bill money, and insulted my elementary age son; he's not allowed near the property).

Sometimes I think we're too hard on each other. Parents and kids. Too many parents don't understand that their children are not mini-mes, and they're going to have their own unique identities. "We didn't raise you to do this" is nonsense. You give guidance, but ultimately, the child will find their own life path. Aim to inspire, rather than clone. Be attentive to the child you have, not who you thought your child would be.

On the other hand, I see a lot of folks holding parents(both their own and other people's) up to impossible standards. Parents are people too, with their own insecurities and hang ups. After generations of parental worship, I think some are riding the pendulum back the other way, and I think there's a lot of biting going on at natural parental flaws(as no one is perfect). I'm not talking about abusive situations, just places where a parent may lack. "Mom wasn't affectionate enough; Dad didn't understand when I went to live in a commune." Mom and Dad might not have been bad people, but the child can't give up the disappointment between the parent they got and the parent they wanted.

In some cases, I think estrangement(that do not include abuse; one must always get away from an abuser) is a little dramatic. I don't like my sister, because I think she's a bad person. So I don't take calls from her, and only answer messages that will cause more issue not to answer than to simply answer. I don't not attend other events because she will be there. I feel that would be disruptive. I just go talk to someone else.

My mom has little to do with me. Estrangement isn't necessary. I don't even dislike her... I just see her for the very flawed person she is; acknowledging her good points along with her bad. One sister does the same(she ay be a little more involved than me), and the other can't get over the ways in which Mom lacks, and there is all kinds of drama and temporary estrangement between them. It seems like too much work.

I was emotionally abused by dad growing up, and was estranged from him for a time. He made a genuine effort to change(in all his relationships, which were mostly negative), and over about a decade of time, I began more regular contact with him.

Life is complicated. Sometimes estrangement is the answer. Sometimes moderation of relationships seems the answer. And sometimes recognizing that all of us, young and old, have something 'broken' about us is the answer, too.
There's really no blanket answer.

Things like this must be addressed on an individual basis.
 

Shadow Wolf

Certified People sTabber
One of my nephews I cut off because he couldn't get over himself amd quit the family fighting when my brother died. My brother and I were very close, so it wasn't hard cutting him out because he wanted to keep fighting.
Same with my dad, though he's a lying, cheating, absent, neglectful and absolutely terribly towards my mom so there's more going on.
A niece a I also cut out, because despite all my brother did for her (and she's not even biologically his), she did him and his son very, very wrong in the end.
My sister because she's not a good person, she was a very terrible parent, and more often than not all she does when we talk is blame others for her problems, defend her poor choices and poor characters she associates with and goes on about how I'm the one who needs religion.
Those were the easy ones.
Cutting out my mom has been the hardest, because she's my mom, but all she does is try to control me and tear me down. She was also very abusive with her words, but as an adult it's her tearing me down that has me realizing I need to cut ties with her because I still haven't healed from that as a child.
 
Top