Who am i, where do i belong, and who is my god?

[gseeker]

I am 31 years old and lately I've been questioning my belief in the Bible, not the moralistic values just the Biblical truth relating to God and salvation.
About my solid belief: there is a God the perfection of the universe makes that evident to me.
Background: Abused as a child, raped and almost killed by my father multiple times, extreme emotional abuse that led to self mutilation and extreme mistrust of man kind. Multiple suicides within my family including my father and multiple instances of alcohol abuse.
Ran away at sixteen and have been moving and working from state to state ever since. I.Q. of 144, I'm former military trained in 4 martial arts was a licensed armed guard and unarmed guard for two states and a bouncer on Bourbon street for six years. I have a high school diploma a GED a trade certificate in business can build a house from the ground up candidates have a class a cdl, electrical and machinical engineering training in the navy geological studies in college ect.
Premise of belief: might must see an intellectual bases of a religious belief I cannot accept on faith without evidence.
Reason: spiritually and emotionally I am damaged. I am always in control and cannot allow myself to be vulnerable for any period of time which has exponentially hurt any relationship I could have with others. I can not drink without ending up in tears wanting to take my pain out on others. I need healing.

The argument: What God should I seek after and why? What evidence of that belief exists.

 

[Super Universe]

I am 31 years old and lately I've been questioning my belief in the Bible, not the moralistic values just the Biblical truth relating to God and salvation.
About my solid belief: there is a God the perfection of the universe makes that evident to me.
Background: Abused as a child, raped and almost killed by my father multiple times, extreme emotional abuse that led to self mutilation and extreme mistrust of man kind. Multiple suicides within my family including my father and multiple instances of alcohol abuse.
Ran away at sixteen and have been moving and working from state to state ever since. I.Q. of 144, I'm former military trained in 4 martial arts was a licensed armed guard and unarmed guard for two states and a bouncer on Bourbon street for six years. I have a high school diploma a GED a trade certificate in business can build a house from the ground up candidates have a class a cdl, electrical and machinical engineering training in the navy geological studies in college ect.
Premise of belief: might must see an intellectual bases of a religious belief I cannot accept on faith without evidence.
Reason: spiritually and emotionally I am damaged. I am always in control and cannot allow myself to be vulnerable for any period of time which has exponentially hurt any relationship I could have with others. I can not drink without ending up in tears wanting to take my pain out on others. I need healing.

The argument: What God should I seek after and why? What evidence of that belief exists.

The one thing that most stands out to me is that you know yourself. Let me ask you this, would you be the person you are today if not for that troubled childhood? How would you be different?

You were the child, your father was the adult. He was supposed to know better. He didn't have to be the perfect father but it's not too much to ask that he choose to love his own child instead of using them as something to vent life's frustrations on. Doing that is primitive, selfish, and regressive to society as a whole.

So many of those who have endured emotional abuse continue the abuse, it really is a vicious cycle. Yet, it sounds like you have conquered it except when you drink.

Alchohol inhibits our self control, we become the person we really want to be and don't care so much about the consequences. You, rightly so, have some deep issues that you need to get out in a way that is least destructive. You should find a counselor to talk to. Choose someone you don't know so you can be truly honest with them.

Don't put any faith in the bible, it does not deserve even the smallest amount. It only talks about life experience, yours was real. I would simply say to put whatever faith you can muster into the idea that there is something better somewhere. Even though it is hidden from your view, it is there.

 

[Riverwolf]

I can't tell you what God to put your faith into, but I can give you the rundown of what I believe the nature of the Divine to be: Twofold.

There is an unmoving Source. This Source is within and beyond all manifestation. It is all things in potential. It is without time or space. That is Siva. That is Nirvana (which, if you weren't aware, translates to "blowing out", as in, a candle.)

Then, there is the manifested. This is Kali. This is Time. This is all the movement of the universe, all of space and time. All that happens can only happen through the will of Mother Kali. All movement is Kali's movement. She is the Mother of All Things.

Now... what is the evidence for this? Well, that's not really a relevant question, because it's not so much a belief as a way of looking at the world. It's like looking at a mountain and wondering at its glory, majesty, and beauty. There's no evidence that a mountain has these qualities, since they exist primarily in the mind of the one looking at it. Godhood is a state ascribed to things by an external intelligence. Therefore, I consider Gods to be anything that humanity has collectively deified, or that individuals have deified, whether it be a thunderstorm, an ancestor, a well-loved (or hated) ruler, etc.

...does any of that make sense?

 

[s2a]

I am 31 years old and lately I've been questioning my belief in the Bible, not the moralistic values just the Biblical truth relating to God and salvation.
About my solid belief: there is a God the perfection of the universe makes that evident to me.
Background: Abused as a child, raped and almost killed by my father multiple times, extreme emotional abuse that led to self mutilation and extreme mistrust of man kind. Multiple suicides within my family including my father and multiple instances of alcohol abuse.
Ran away at sixteen and have been moving and working from state to state ever since. I.Q. of 144, I'm former military trained in 4 martial arts was a licensed armed guard and unarmed guard for two states and a bouncer on Bourbon street for six years. I have a high school diploma a GED a trade certificate in business can build a house from the ground up candidates have a class a cdl, electrical and machinical engineering training in the navy geological studies in college ect.
Premise of belief: might must see an intellectual bases of a religious belief I cannot accept on faith without evidence.
Reason: spiritually and emotionally I am damaged. I am always in control and cannot allow myself to be vulnerable for any period of time which has exponentially hurt any relationship I could have with others. I can not drink without ending up in tears wanting to take my pain out on others. I need healing.

The argument: What God should I seek after and why? What evidence of that belief exists.

I got nuthin' for ya... but best wishes

 

[gseeker]

I can't tell you what God to put your faith into, but I can give you the rundown of what I believe the nature of the Divine to be: Twofold.

There is an unmoving Source. This Source is within and beyond all manifestation. It is all things in potential. It is without time or space. That is Siva. That is Nirvana (which, if you weren't aware, translates to "blowing out", as in, a candle.)

Then, there is the manifested. This is Kali. This is Time. This is all the movement of the universe, all of space and time. All that happens can only happen through the will of Mother Kali. All movement is Kali's movement. She is the Mother of All Things.

Now... what is the evidence for this? Well, that's not really a relevant question, because it's not so much a belief as a way of looking at the world. It's like looking at a mountain and wondering at its glory, majesty, and beauty. There's no evidence that a mountain has these qualities, since they exist primarily in the mind of the one looking at it. Godhood is a state ascribed to things by an external intelligence. Therefore, I consider Gods to be anything that humanity has collectively deified, or that individuals have deified, whether it be a thunderstorm, an ancestor, a well-loved (or hated) ruler, etc.

...does any of that make sense?

This is an interesting concept but it isn't enough for me. Simply stating that time the universe and existence is there and that potentiality exists within that system does in no way help me or bring me any closer to the knowledge of God. It is interesting how you stated that it is the interpretation of evidence and is derived from that, that is my argument in a lot of areas in my life. LOL thanks for your contribution.

 

[Falvlun]

Personally, I don't see any of the traditional monotheistic religions working for you. They make hard and fast claims, and require a lot of faith.

I am not personally familiar with practicing Buddhism and other like-minded Eastern philosophies, but I think they might be more up your alley. The esoteric nature means they don't really make too many hard claims, instead charging you with experiencing it for yourself and coming up with your own conclusions, while still working within a supportive framework.

Also, meditation has been shown to have a calming effect on the mind, which I feel would be beneficial for you. I don't know about its mystical claims, but its physiological and mental effects seem to be worthwhile.

 

[gseeker]

The one thing that most stands out to me is that you know yourself. Let me ask you this, would you be the person you are today if not for that troubled childhood? How would you be different?

You were the child, your father was the adult. He was supposed to know better. He didn't have to be the perfect father but it's not too much to ask that he choose to love his own child instead of using them as something to vent life's frustrations on. Doing that is primitive, selfish, and regressive to society as a whole.

So many of those who have endured emotional abuse continue the abuse, it really is a vicious cycle. Yet, it sounds like you have conquered it except when you drink.

Alchohol inhibits our self control, we become the person we really want to be and don't care so much about the consequences. You, rightly so, have some deep issues that you need to get out in a way that is least destructive. You should find a counselor to talk to. Choose someone you don't know so you can be truly honest with them.

Don't put any faith in the bible, it does not deserve even the smallest amount. It only talks about life experience, yours was real. I would simply say to put whatever faith you can muster into the idea that there is something better somewhere. Even though it is hidden from your view, it is there.

Thanks for your post. Let me respond to a few statements you made. You said that I know myself. That is not true in many ways. First, man is ever changing, every reaction in life causes a reaction. We can never know ourselves because we are ever changing. Two, I react in certain situations often in negative ways with no specific knowledge of what part of my past caused me to respond in that way. I also do not know myself or I would know how to correct myself.

My PST made me the person I am. That is a true statement when you throw in the word reaction. My reaction to my past made me the man I am. True I'm a good person who stands for honor and integrity above all things. That isn't bad but then you have to ask yourself, what was my potential and how far have I fallen short?

As for therapy, I can tell anyone what happened to me because I no longer care what people think of me. But that is because I don't trust anyone so one person is much like any other. Man kind is unworthy untrustworthy and generally useless. Obviously my background causes me to think this way but until I can get past this no one can help me, a vicious cycle.

 

[gseeker]

I got nuthin' for ya... but best wishes

You know you could always try to convince me of an atheistic point of view. Not sure how having faith in no God would help my inner pain but I'm willing to consider it though of course my preconceived notion is that a God or gods exist. Or a God like force anyway.

 

[gseeker]

Personally, I don't see any of the traditional monotheistic religions working for you. They make hard and fast claims, and require a lot of faith.

I am not personally familiar with practicing Buddhism and other like-minded Eastern philosophies, but I think they might be more up your alley. The esoteric nature means they don't really make too many hard claims, instead charging you with experiencing it for yourself and coming up with your own conclusions, while still working within a supportive framework.

Also, meditation has been shown to have a calming effect on the mind, which I feel would be beneficial for you. I don't know about its mystical claims, but its physiological and mental effects seem to be worthwhile.

Thanks for your insight. Buddhism and eastern theology for the most part isn't theology at all it is instead mainly a form of philosophy. I have a friend who's family are Christian and he himself went to Bible college for four years but he never had the faith to believe in the saving power of the sacrifice of Christ. He is currently studying Taoism. It is a good philosophy and is similar to Christian values without the guilt. I am going to start researching such philosophy but again it doesn't lead me to a knowledge of God. Also it is relying on my own mind and ability that has kept me in this state I'm in. Meditation is a great way to calm the mind. I've tryed it before. It doesn't help maters of the heart though.

 

[Riverwolf]

This is an interesting concept but it isn't enough for me. Simply stating that time the universe and existence is there and that potentiality exists within that system does in no way help me or bring me any closer to the knowledge of God. It is interesting how you stated that it is the interpretation of evidence and is derived from that, that is my argument in a lot of areas in my life. LOL thanks for your contribution.

No prob.

If it's really knowledge of God that you seek, then the best solution I know of is to remove yourself from the world for a little while. Doesn't have to be long; anywhere from an hour in nature (not a highly-frequented park, I mean a forest path of some sort), without any sort of contact (so no cellphones or iphones or whatever's out nowadays that will be obsolete in a few weeks), to spending months (or even years) at a monastery. It won't give you all knowledge, but you might at least experience a small glimpse.

Just keep in mind that even Yogis who permanently remove themselves from all civilization and most human contact, who spend literally all day in their Yogic practices (which, BTW, involves far more than the stretching exercises) and sometimes only eat once every 24 hours, often struggle with obtaining such knowledge.

 

[Falvlun]

Thanks for your insight. Buddhism and eastern theology for the most part isn't theology at all it is instead mainly a form of philosophy. I have a friend who's family are Christian and he himself went to Bible college for four years but he never had the faith to believe in the saving power of the sacrifice of Christ. He is currently studying Taoism. It is a good philosophy and is similar to Christian values without the guilt. I am going to start researching such philosophy but again it doesn't lead me to a knowledge of God. Also it is relying on my own mind and ability that has kept me in this state I'm in. Meditation is a great way to calm the mind. I've tryed it before. It doesn't help maters of the heart though.

When you say that Buddhism doesn't lead you to knowledge of God, it sounds as if you already feel that you know distinct things about God, and therefore, since Buddhism doesn't conform to those bits of knowledge, it can't take you there. What do you think you know about God?

There are many different perspectives on what God is; you yourself even mentioned the possibility of a "God-like" force. Buddhists don't really believe in a personal God, like Allah or Yahweh, but not all buddhists are necessarily atheists. They hold a sort of pan(en)theistic view of god as everything, a life-force, the ultimate, the void. (Others more familiar with their beliefs may be a bit more illuminating on the matter.)

If you combine the philosophical teachings of Buddhism (or other eastern religion) you may find it enhances the meditation, giving it a little more "meat", something to hold on to.

How do you think traditional western religions/philosophies would better heal your pain?

 

[Pegg]

He is currently studying Taoism. It is a good philosophy and is similar to Christian values without the guilt. I am going to start researching such philosophy but again it doesn't lead me to a knowledge of God. Also it is relying on my own mind and ability that has kept me in this state I'm in. Meditation is a great way to calm the mind. I've tryed it before. It doesn't help maters of the heart though.

Hi, you make a good point here. It just got me thinking that all the major religions who believe in a god all say that there is only one true God....but he is explained in different ways by different religions.

so no matter what religion we are from, in the end we all believe we are worshiping the one true God. And why do we do this? Because that one true God has created us with a spiritual need...its the need to connect with him.

Jesus said it very well at Matthew 5:3 “Happy are those conscious of their spiritual need"
The reason he said they are 'happy' is because those who are 'conscious' of this need actively seek to fill it. And when they find the true God, they will fill that spiritual need and find much happiness. This doesnt mean that life becomes problem or stress free, but it does make life more meaningful and God strengthens us to help us to cope with the problems of the past.

I hope your journey in finding the true God is as rewarding for you as it was for me.

 

[gseeker]

When you say that Buddhism doesn't lead you to knowledge of God, it sounds as if you already feel that you know distinct things about God, and therefore, since Buddhism doesn't conform to those bits of knowledge, it can't take you there. What do you think you know about God?

There are many different perspectives on what God is; you yourself even mentioned the possibility of a "God-like" force. Buddhists don't really believe in a personal God, like Allah or Yahweh, but not all buddhists are necessarily atheists. They hold a sort of pan(en)theistic view of god as everything, a life-force, the ultimate, the void. (Others more familiar with their beliefs may be a bit more illuminating on the matter.)

If you combine the philosophical teachings of Buddhism (or other eastern religion) you may find it enhances the meditation, giving it a little more "meat", something to hold on to.

How do you think traditional western religions/philosophies would better heal your pain?

Everyone has preconceived notions of God when they believe in the existence of God. Hmm makes me think. I guess my idea of who God is is a being who exists beyond what we know of existence, who has intelligence beyond what we understand as intelligence, one who lives beyond the laws of science who in fact created the laws of science. One who isn't isn't either malicious or benevolent but yet can love and hate. But preconceived notions can always change.

 

[gseeker]

No prob.

If it's really knowledge of God that you seek, then the best solution I know of is to remove yourself from the world for a little while. Doesn't have to be long; anywhere from an hour in nature (not a highly-frequented park, I mean a forest path of some sort), without any sort of contact (so no cellphones or iphones or whatever's out nowadays that will be obsolete in a few weeks), to spending months (or even years) at a monastery. It won't give you all knowledge, but you might at least experience a small glimpse.

Just keep in mind that even Yogis who permanently remove themselves from all civilization and most human contact, who spend literally all day in their Yogic practices (which, BTW, involves far more than the stretching exercises) and sometimes only eat once every 24 hours, often struggle with obtaining such knowledge.

Even as a child and well into adulthood I've often thought of just stepping away from society being alone and searching for God. Several things have kept me from doing so. One, stepping away from society might reinforced the degree of antisocialism I already feel for society. Two, it seems too much like running away and yes I do move around a lot as it is but this would be too much like trying to run away from myself. Three, I have a fear that nothing will help me, that I am eternally damaged goods and that such an act would be a waste of time. Four, I would have no idea where to go or how to go about it. That last should let you know that even with my first three objections I'm still considering it.

 

[gseeker]

Hi, you make a good point here. It just got me thinking that all the major religions who believe in a god all say that there is only one true God....but he is explained in different ways by different religions.

so no matter what religion we are from, in the end we all believe we are worshiping the one true God. And why do we do this? Because that one true God has created us with a spiritual need...its the need to connect with him.

Jesus said it very well at Matthew 5:3 “Happy are those conscious of their spiritual need"
The reason he said they are 'happy' is because those who are 'conscious' of this need actively seek to fill it. And when they find the true God, they will fill that spiritual need and find much happiness. This doesnt mean that life becomes problem or stress free, but it does make life more meaningful and God strengthens us to help us to cope with the problems of the past.

I hope your journey in finding the true God is as rewarding for you as it was for me.

First, not every faith believes in a singular God. Many religions through history have believed in multiple beings with different aspects of what we consider God. Hinduism believes in multiple gods, even Muslims had multiple gods until Mohammed came along.

 

[Breathe]

Three, I have a fear that nothing will help me, that I am eternally damaged goods and that such an act would be a waste of time.

Oh dear.

 

[Pegg]

First, not every faith believes in a singular God. Many religions through history have believed in multiple beings with different aspects of what we consider God. Hinduism believes in multiple gods, even Muslims had multiple gods until Mohammed came along.

well thats a good point. But even in hinduism, there is one supreme Lord over all and there is also Brahman. Vishnu is the supreme lord who is god above all, Brahman (hindus will correct me if im wrong) is the creator of all things.

That is very similar to the bible God, Jehovah/Yahweh who is the supreme God over all, and Jesus who is his 'master worker' the one through whom all things came into existence.

I guess the difficulty of us is to determine who's explanation of God is true...and where we would find the answers.

 

[gseeker]

Oh dear.

I did not mean for that to sound so negative, I apologize.

 

[Breathe]

I did not mean for that to sound so negative, I apologize.

No need to apologize. I'm glad you didn't mean it to sound so negative though.

Can you let us know a little more of what you believe, btw? More than just God? God, afterlife, incarnations of God, prophets, etc?

 

[gseeker]

More or less I just believe that God exists,God is intelligent, that he created the perfection of existence and laid down the laws that govern existence. Other than that I'm searching. I believe also that the aspects of God are beyond the understanding of man.