When Survival Requires Radical Composure

[Debater Slayer]

It's been a while since I posted a journal thread and even longer since I posted an elaborately personal one. I suppose now is as good a time as any to do so.

As some here know, I have had COVID twice within two months. Thankfully, I recovered without major damage in both instances. Shortly after recovering from my second infection, however, I felt an intense increase in fatigue. I went for a blood test that showed mild anemia and leukocytosis, and I'm now waiting for my follow-up to get those treated.

I don't know whether the fatigue is related to COVID, but one thing I have noticed is that nothing makes me panic at this point. I just no longer feel anxious in that way. Instead, I experience distress, depression, or just numbness--but not anger, anxiety, or panic.

Ever since I became an atheist while in ultra-conservative Saudi Arabia in 2012, I have had to adapt in multiple ways as a survival mechanism, for better or worse. One experience after another since then has only added to the lack of quick reactivity. First there were spending two years literally fearing for my life in KSA, struggling in my last year of high school, and reluctantly switching majors two years into my first one due to failing an entire semester.

Then there was the sudden loss of a best friend who distanced herself (for personal reasons that she said were unrelated to me). That caused genuine heartbreak, but it also taught me not to rely on anyone for my happiness or emotional stability. I have another best friend now, but I know I can survive on my own emotionally after the sting from the previous experience.

Most recently, there was conscription despite multiple disqualifying health issues. My time in the military was when what was left of my senses of anger and anxiety absolutely faded. I realized my survival depended on being as calculated and calm as I could possibly be, and my worldview (mainly my lack of belief in free will) made anger seem pointless to top it off.

Now I feel stronger and more emotionally independent than I have ever been, but I can't say I'm happy yet. My close friends often tell me they feel safe relying on me to be supportive and a good listener, and I appreciate that but also find it a bit amusing at times because I wouldn't have imagined it happening if you had asked me several years ago, at the peak of when I was angry, bitter, and anxious.

I don't know when my life will reach the point where I can say I'm truly happy, but at least I now know not to take resilience for granted, although I also don't brag about it because it has more or less been a necessity for me to develop it. I kinda believe life is like a guitar that you can play most optimally when you have developed calluses on your fingers. Since I have multiple calluses now, hopefully playing the guitar to its maximum potential isn't too far off.

 

[JustGeorge]

You've had a challenging life. I admire your ability to be so very strong, and I hope there come a day(hopefully soon) where you can say you've become truly happy.

Until then... just keep practicing that guitar. Its the music makers that make life worth it.

 

[Spiderman]

Do you think any type of prayer life, even if it is not Biblical, that could enhance your life.

I know that when I felt strongly, that spirits were visiting me, talking to them, enshrining them, receiving their love, changed me from a man who hated much of scriptures, dislike Christianity and Islam, very offensive things I said, caused them to not like me .

But these sweet souls that were visiting, just loved me, they didn't care about me following Scriptures, I stopped blasphemies, tried to not sin as much, and do nice things of charity for others, because I believed it made the souls happy.

I found a 1974 penny in my cell. The first victim that visited me, was killed in 1974. Also, over a year later, I learned that her killers first victim was from my city.

There is a plaque to her at a humane society where she worked. I visited where she is enshrined, prayed to her, and some who didn't know I was at such a shrine, sent me a text while there, about Saint Maria Gorretti becoming friends with her killer, when she appeared to him in his cell, offering him a lily.

He sent many letters to the Pope, to get her canonized. He also became the victim' mother's friend . She said "my daughter forgave you long ago. I feel I must . The friendship with her mother was created. It was a rare miracle.

As Maria Gorretti bled to death from stab wounds, she prayed that she could be in heaven with the man who did that to her .

He did more to exalt her, preach about her, get the Pope to canonize her, that a killer served and glorified his victim more than anyone Maria ever met. They were best friends, a murderer, and his murdered victim.

I also found a military jacket, dated the year the girl from my city , was murderd on memorial weekend.

When it became clear that souls who died tragically, are helping me, and leaving signs.

It makes me happy. So, even from a guy like me, who hated the Bible, the Quaran, and a lot of religion for a while.

I found a religion that is very helpful, brings me many joys, signs, religious ecstasy, hope, inspirations, coincidences, it totally saved me, on many occasions.

But yes, being an atheist, or even a non Muslim in Saudi Arabia, to have fear about that, especially if they know you are an atheist, it is a rational fear. It is a country notorious for persecution of non Muslims, women , and unbelievers. I think living there long term would be hell!

 

[icehorse]

Have you done any meditation practice or other sort of self-reflection practice?

 

[Debater Slayer]

Do you think any type of prayer life, even if it is not Biblical, that could enhance your life.

I don't believe in prayer or deities, so no. I'm much more interested in looking into meditation, therapy, and other approaches with which my worldview more closely aligns.

 

[Debater Slayer]

Have you done any meditation practice or other sort of self-reflection practice?

Yes, I have been practicing meditation since 2017, with more regularity this year than in the last few years. I have found it to be immensely helpful.

 

[The Sum of Awe]

It's been a while since I posted a journal thread and even longer since I posted an elaborately personal one. I suppose now is as good a time as any to do so.

As some here know, I have had COVID twice within two months. Thankfully, I recovered without major damage in both instances. Shortly after recovering from my second infection, however, I felt an intense increase in fatigue. I went for a blood test that showed mild anemia and leukocytosis, and I'm now waiting for my follow-up to get those treated.

I don't know whether the fatigue is related to COVID, but one thing I have noticed is that nothing makes me panic at this point. I just no longer feel anxious in that way. Instead, I experience distress, depression, or just numbness--but not anger, anxiety, or panic.

Ever since I became an atheist while in ultra-conservative Saudi Arabia in 2012, I have had to adapt in multiple ways as a survival mechanism, for better or worse. One experience after another since then has only added to the lack of quick reactivity. First there were spending two years literally fearing for my life in KSA, struggling in my last year of high school, and reluctantly switching majors two years into my first one due to failing an entire semester.

Then there was the sudden loss of a best friend who distanced herself (for personal reasons that she said were unrelated to me). That caused genuine heartbreak, but it also taught me not to rely on anyone for my happiness or emotional stability. I have another best friend now, but I know I can survive on my own emotionally after the sting from the previous experience.

Most recently, there was conscription despite multiple disqualifying health issues. My time in the military was when what was left of my senses of anger and anxiety absolutely faded. I realized my survival depended on being as calculated and calm as I could possibly be, and my worldview (mainly my lack of belief in free will) made anger seem pointless to top it off.

Now I feel stronger and more emotionally independent than I have ever been, but I can't say I'm happy yet. My close friends often tell me they feel safe relying on me to be supportive and a good listener, and I appreciate that but also find it a bit amusing at times because I wouldn't have imagined it happening if you had asked me several years ago, at the peak of when I was angry, bitter, and anxious.

I don't know when my life will reach the point where I can say I'm truly happy, but at least I now know not to take resilience for granted, although I also don't brag about it because it has more or less been a necessity for me to develop it. I kinda believe life is like a guitar that you can play most optimally when you have developed calluses on your fingers. Since I have multiple calluses now, hopefully playing the guitar to its maximum potential isn't too far off.

You're doing great, DS. You've made it through some hard times, and like you said those calluses from those experiences will make you stronger.

I'm not going to try to play armchair therapist here, but I just wanted to ask what you want in life and what are you doing to achieve those goals?

 

[VoidCat]

I've had a rough life tho probably not as rough as you. I for one never have had to worry about being an atheist in Saudi Arabia. But I've feared for my life multiple times. And I have hardly any happy memories or memories where ive felt truly safe . I'm a bit of the opposite of you tho now a days I react to everything but only internally with tons of anxiety and outwardly I react by shutting down or melting down. Due to my past circumstances ive been in where I've had to survive I've learnt how to not react outwardly when i can help it to flatten my facial expressions and to obey without question. Yes i have a very horrible fawn response I've been working on fixing. Having relied on it too much as a kid im now too much of a people pleaser and have been in terrible situations due to it. I've never had panick attacks but I do have cptsd. Ive been going to group therapy and ive learned much of my personality is mostly trauma responses and survival. It's been a huge culture shock adjusting to normalcy outside trauma inducing situations.


If you ever need someone to talk to who understands trauma and has been through a lot of traumatic experiences feel free to pm me.

 

[icehorse]

Yes, I have been practicing meditation since 2017, with more regularity this year than in the last few years. I have found it to be immensely helpful.

It seems like your meditation practice comes through in the OP.

 

[Twilight Hue]

It's been a while since I posted a journal thread and even longer since I posted an elaborately personal one. I suppose now is as good a time as any to do so.

As some here know, I have had COVID twice within two months. Thankfully, I recovered without major damage in both instances. Shortly after recovering from my second infection, however, I felt an intense increase in fatigue. I went for a blood test that showed mild anemia and leukocytosis, and I'm now waiting for my follow-up to get those treated.

I don't know whether the fatigue is related to COVID, but one thing I have noticed is that nothing makes me panic at this point. I just no longer feel anxious in that way. Instead, I experience distress, depression, or just numbness--but not anger, anxiety, or panic.

Ever since I became an atheist while in ultra-conservative Saudi Arabia in 2012, I have had to adapt in multiple ways as a survival mechanism, for better or worse. One experience after another since then has only added to the lack of quick reactivity. First there were spending two years literally fearing for my life in KSA, struggling in my last year of high school, and reluctantly switching majors two years into my first one due to failing an entire semester.

Then there was the sudden loss of a best friend who distanced herself (for personal reasons that she said were unrelated to me). That caused genuine heartbreak, but it also taught me not to rely on anyone for my happiness or emotional stability. I have another best friend now, but I know I can survive on my own emotionally after the sting from the previous experience.

Most recently, there was conscription despite multiple disqualifying health issues. My time in the military was when what was left of my senses of anger and anxiety absolutely faded. I realized my survival depended on being as calculated and calm as I could possibly be, and my worldview (mainly my lack of belief in free will) made anger seem pointless to top it off.

Now I feel stronger and more emotionally independent than I have ever been, but I can't say I'm happy yet. My close friends often tell me they feel safe relying on me to be supportive and a good listener, and I appreciate that but also find it a bit amusing at times because I wouldn't have imagined it happening if you had asked me several years ago, at the peak of when I was angry, bitter, and anxious.

I don't know when my life will reach the point where I can say I'm truly happy, but at least I now know not to take resilience for granted, although I also don't brag about it because it has more or less been a necessity for me to develop it. I kinda believe life is like a guitar that you can play most optimally when you have developed calluses on your fingers. Since I have multiple calluses now, hopefully playing the guitar to its maximum potential isn't too far off.

Maybe it's prudent to keep in mind, as a reminder, your not the only one that experiences difficulties and this is something that is essentially shared by others.

Whenever terrible occurances happen, like my heart attack, I keep in mind that this is an aspect of nature and is something perfectly in line with the adage that we don't own ourselves, by which our nature and being is shared and guided by countless events outside our control.