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Transgenderism: my update

Discussion in 'Journals' started by KAT-KAT, Jun 21, 2021.

  1. KAT-KAT

    KAT-KAT Veteran Member

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    The two hardest people on me I have ever met, were my parents. They came from the country. My dad was a pretty nice guy. But there was a certain amount of harshness. I miss him, he died some years ago from kidney failure. And though he had some things to teach me about life, was a good person, and I was sad to see him go... I can't say, having some years passed, that no longer having him in my life has at all stunted my growth as a person, some of his hard rules got in the way of my freedom and advancement. He, however, wasn't the toughest person in my family. That's my mom. If my mom doesn't like something, there will be guilt trips, there will be passive aggression, she will watch TV shows about her views and blare the volume if she knows you disagree.

    Last year, I kind of had some building gender dysphoria. I was prescribed feminizing hormones but kind of got high blood pressure due to living with my mom and her passive aggression. I did take the hormones, and doctors did create some problems of their own in my area, them not being very well versed on trans care, and the stalemate with my mom was becoming a bit much, but I kind of hoped against hope that transgender recognition and understanding would become a bit more in my country, and this would convince my mom, something that I failed at. My family may be moving to a Republican state some day and for political reasons, and after I saw that some Republican states are now putting roadblocks in trans care, and the political protests, I kind of responded in defense by stopping Hormone Replacement Therapy, ie the feminizing hormones, and putting that on a halt.

    Now I want to say that my life is actually pretty good lately. I've lost a ton of weight and gotten a body I like better now whether masculine or feminine. Now after you are on Hormone Replacement Therapy for awhile, you may develop permanent breast tissue. My chest has always looked weird, but after I stopped the hormones, and things went back to normal, yes I did develop some breast tissue I think... but it actually resulted in a more desirable body, as my body knew how to make the tissue look masculine, having stopped the hormones, and my chest no longer looked weird, fixing one of the two issues I have with my actual body.

    Myself becoming more slender, and changing some things about myself, I notice I am looking a bit more feminine based on those changes, which does reduce dysphoria.

    As for myself becoming fully female, if I ever become passable looking as a female, and through hormones... it could happen that I want that. But right now I have a weight on me that is some negative people in my life regarding the matter, and it's clouding my judgement to the point I don't want to make any absolute decision just yet. Additionally, I don't really feel "free" to make my own decisions. I've got a mom that holds me back in my decisions, worrying that if I make the wrong decision, I'll go to hell, and her grasping to save my soul - when I consider myself not truly saved, not wanting to be saved by her God, and unsaveable completely in that context. If I get stern with her about it, she'll get upset and the family will get involved and well, it's a situation best avoided.

    So I'm kind of just seeing what happens and thinking that fate kind of has a way of working out. I do think I can work and move out once I have that job, and stuff. But my family keeps encouraging me not to work, because I've had some taxing health problems in the past, and the negativity there takes a toll on my self esteem as well. Sometimes when 10 people in a room think someone will fail, and they know it, they'll fail even if they were fully capable of doing that task.

    So that's me.

    But I don't look on things as a bunch of dark clouds, really, not any more. I more see them as me making changes to my appearance and self even while not on hormones and being fascinated by what my future holds.

    I also don't look too negatively on my mom or family. They've been mostly good friends. They've become less protective over the years, just I know I will finally reach that road some day where I make all my own decisions and it will be way different than the decisions they want me to make - whether it's because they finally stop being so protective and get to watch me make them and fall or prosper and learn, or it's because most of my family is old and I will some day have naturally outlived them and *have* to make my own decisions - I'm not sure.

    And did I mention the new best friend in my life? It's me. Jokes aside, I'm starting to like me now that I'm coming out of my shell.

    Also, my family isn't terrible. I take the good with the bad these days. I haven't told you the stories of some really good things they've done for me too. Just they have these ideas about every one of us meeting in the Abrahamic God's heaven some day, they value these ambitions almost over life itself. And I just have to pray they become more understanding. And work around upsetting them while realizing that I'm my own person.

    So long, moody, expressive post from me tonight, sad at times but with a lot of bright spots.
     
    • Friendly Friendly x 6
    • Optimistic Optimistic x 4
    • Informative Informative x 2
    • Winner Winner x 1
  2. SigurdReginson

    SigurdReginson Grēne Mann
    Premium Member

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    Thanks for sharing this vertical slice of your life. I can relate to some aspects when it comes to your relationship with your family. :)
     
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  3. lewisnotmiller

    lewisnotmiller Grand Hat
    Staff Member Premium Member

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    I rated it optimistic...I don't see true optimism as all rainbows and puppy dogs. That sort of optimism is a balloon that pops at the first pin.
    Rather, I think having a level of acceptance and understanding of yourself and those around you puts you in a better place to deal with life's adversity, and to take advantage of opportunities that might present, often unexpectedly.

    Thanks for sharing.
     
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  4. Conscious thoughts

    Conscious thoughts Veteran Member

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    I am happy for you :) glad you are in a better place in your life now :)

    RF has not been the same without you, so i am happy you are back :)
     
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  5. sun rise

    sun rise "This is the Hour of God"
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    I had wondered what was up with you. Thanks for sharing. And I like that you are in a better place with yourself now.
     
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  6. stvdv

    stvdv Veteran Member

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    I wish you all the best with all your challenges; not easy at all. Thank you for sharing. Reading this, I get the idea that you are a great and wonderful loving person. Continue the way you go, have faith in yourself

    I can relate to quite a few things you write.

    I get the impression from reading this, that you have all the knowledge needed for the whole situation. Though when I got my puzzle pieces figured out, it still did take quite a while to really be at peace with myself. And it feels good, having found pride in "my way" instead of letting others impose their's on me

    Freedom is worth fighting for:

    Face the "devil" (not the Christian one;))
    Fight till the end
    Finish the game

    That's the way to happiness
     
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  7. KAT-KAT

    KAT-KAT Veteran Member

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    Aww, thanks. :)
     
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  8. KAT-KAT

    KAT-KAT Veteran Member

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    Thank you. :)
     
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