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Top 9 Biggest Fears of Orthodox Jews

Discussion in 'Judaism DIR' started by Harel13, Oct 16, 2020.

  1. Harel13

    Harel13 Nin-Jew Master
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    1. Fleishikophobia - The fear of being fleishik (and potentially missing out on an improbable and completely hypothetical milk-based dessert, should it just happen to pop out of thin air). The most serious of Jews, the S'fard Ashkenazim, who keep six full hours of waiting time between eating meat and being allowed to eat dairy products, are most susceptible to this disease. Susceptibility rates drop as one moves through the Jewish spectrum past the "rov shesh" (most of six, which is really five and a little more) of the Sephardim, the halachically-baseless three hours of the Ashkenaz Ashkenazim all the way down to the one hour of the Dutch Jews (whom everyone loves to hate) and the mythic "rov achat" (most of one hour) of the Sephardic Dutch.

    2. Bentchophobia - The fear of needing to say the entire Birkat Hamazon (oh no, two more minutes of bentching? But my time is so precious...oh, why, why did I eat that awesome baguette? I should have stayed hungry).

    3. Tachanunophobia - The fear of needing to say tachanun. Actually easily solved by going to a minyan with a mohel (but fear literal heartbreak if the mohel just happens to be absent one day).

    4. No-kiddush-on-shabbat-after-davening-ophobia - Anglo-Saxon Jews are particularly susceptible to this, as the weekly kiddush makes up a significant percentage of the foods needed to sustain them during the next couple of hours week.

    5. Rashi-on-shirat-hayam-ophobia - Just look it up. Couple that with the rest of the weekly Shnayim Mikra quota. 'Nuff said.

    6. Starve-on-Pesach-ophobia - The fear of starving on Pesach. Usually only found only by Ashkenazim. This is a fear that echoes back to a time in which there weren't multiple kosher food companies who made a wide variety of kosher-for-pesach-without-kitniyot on every street corner, which in turn echoes back to a time in Europe before the discovery of the New World and potatoes. *Shudder*.

    7. Forgetting-seasonal-additions-and-having-to-restart-davening-ophobia - Picture this: You've finally managed to claw your way through your grocery store list and have happily arrived at Oseh Shalom when you suddenly remember it's Rosh Chodesh or Asseret Yemei T'shuvah and you've forgotten Ya'aleh V'yavoh or Hamelech Hakadosh and now must restart the prayer. Yes, truly tragic.

    8. Being-chazan-during-s'firat-haomer-ophobia - Because then you'd out yourself as one who had missed one day of counting and can no longer make the blessing.

    9. Long-d'var-Torah-ophobia - The fear that the guy whose turn it is to say the d'var Torah during davening on Shabbat or Yom Tov will yammer on and on. Especially scary are the guys who hand out source sheets for everyone before starting to speak. Run for your lives!


    I was going for a round ten, but couldn't think of anything else. Feel free to suggest other Jewish-flavored phobias. :)
     
    #1 Harel13, Oct 16, 2020
    Last edited: Oct 16, 2020
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  2. Tumah

    Tumah Veteran Member

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    Dawta, believe me mah child. It is 7 o'clock in de evening. You will be in bed in one owa. Ah am not going to buy ice cream now. Deah will be no surprise visitors delivering ice cream tonight. Deah is no ice cream in da house. Deah is no chance of ice cream magically appearing in owa house tonight. Just eat yaw schnitzel mah precious child.

    "Nah, I don't wanna bentch".
    All the time.

    Luckily, today is the Zera Avraham's yahretzeit.

    Thankfully, the shuls in my area don't do that one! My waist couldn't handle it!

    I'll switch you for a Matos Maasei week.

    I think the complaint is baseless. We eat tons of products: potatoes, eggs, potatoes, carrots, potatoes, onions, potatoes, matzah and potatoes. I mean it's only 8 p̶o̶t̶a̶t̶o̶e̶s̶ days after all. How bad could it p̶o̶t̶a̶t̶o̶e̶s̶ really get?

    Three restarts one time this past week. I kid you not.

    Apparently we're worried about cleanliness. So worried about cleanliness, that in the Steipler's igros he explains that doctors were telling him that people were giving themselves hemorrhoids. So with some degree of disbelief, he goes on to explain how to wipe your tush to satisfy halachic requirements. That's a bit of trivia you probably didn't want to know.

    Also maybe travelling on sukkos?
     
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  3. rosends

    rosends Well-Known Member

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    Kaddish-o-phobia -- do I need to say kaddish after shir shel yom or just after L'Dovid? Do they add in a kaddish after An'im Z'mirot? What if I'm not finished with Korbanot when they get to Kaddish? Wait -- which one do I say now, d'robonon or Yatom? And what if I forget the second L'eilah?
     
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  4. Harel13

    Harel13 Nin-Jew Master
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    I think you're lucky you live in Israel right now, because otherwise you'd be called out right now for cultural appropriation or something...:D:p
    I suppose that may be true, but I have the phrase עד מתי רש"י שירת הים stuck in my head ever since a friend told me that that's what they said when they were faced with having to finish this particular Shnayim Mikrah in the army...:p
    I feel your pain.
    Doesn't the Mishna Brurah also explain? Well, not in depth, but to use your none-teffilin hand.

    upload_2020-10-17_20-38-42.png
     
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  5. Harel13

    Harel13 Nin-Jew Master
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    Hebrew-English-keyboard-ophobia - The fear of typing words, sentences, even whole paragraphs before realizing that you're on the wrong language mode or, especially in Hebrew, have pressed the Caps Lock key.

    Opposite-gender-handshake-ophobia - To put it subtlety, I hope you've worked on your fake-sneeze impression.
     
    #5 Harel13, Oct 18, 2020 at 10:07 AM
    Last edited: Oct 18, 2020 at 12:53 PM
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  6. Tumah

    Tumah Veteran Member

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    fi
     
  7. Tumah

    Tumah Veteran Member

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    No, he goes a little more ... in depth. I don't have it here, because I'm in the US at the moment, but I can look it up in about a week and half when I get back home.
     
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  8. rosends

    rosends Well-Known Member

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    Every year I have a fear that I won't remember exactly how to put my sukkah up, and then that there won't be a nice enough Sunday after yom tov is over for me to take it down.

    I worry that people will look at my 4 minim and sneer at me, saying that mine are ugly or not kosher.

    I worry that people will see how I tie my tefillin and tell me I'm doing it wrong.

    I worry that, no matter how many boxes of hand shmura I buy, I won't find 6 unbroken sheets

    Wait, is it "newest candle first on the left side but light oldest on the right side?"

    What don't I worry about?

    Dan Rosen's other Blog: OCDox
     
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  9. Harel13

    Harel13 Nin-Jew Master
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    One morning in the army, we didn't have a minyan (which wasn't uncommon at all in my base). I was particularly tired that morning, so only after shmonei esreh did I notice that I had forgotten to put on my teffilin shel rosh...:oops::eek:
    Ooo, me too! :D

    I also forget every year which hand lefties (I'm a lefty) use to hold the etrog and which the lulav and which side should the hadassim be on and which the aravot.

    And every time there's a switch from daylight savings to standard time and vice versa, I worry the next morning that I had made some sort of mistake. I only calm down when I get to shul and see that everything is normal.
     
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  10. Flankerl

    Flankerl Well-Known Member

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    On the phone with your mother.
     
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  11. LAGoff

    LAGoff Member

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    "Don't let them see you do 'melachot' (forbidden actions) on Shabbos." This is the only thing I was taught growing up (I lived/live in a frum area), so I fear this much more than any other religious fear. I've come to appreciate this 'teaching' because it's a tiny seed [of 'Yidishkite'] out of which good comes.

    I could also say that a fear I've noticed comes from what I call 'Mahdrayganism'-- from mahdrayga (level)-- the obsession to reach a higher [spiritual] level, although this can be found in all religions.
     
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