Thinking about Abandoning my Family

[FineLinen]

Hey. I did that when I was 22. Married at 19, knew nothing. Fighting all the time. Unfortunately, had a 2 year old daughter. Didn't want to work it out. Wanted my own life. I left and "joined the circus". Led a hedonist life for about 10 years. Learned that living my own life is not what it's about.
Remarried, now for 43 years. Working it out constantly. My wife has dementia and sometimes doesn't know who I am. I will never leave her or put her in a "home". Moved into assisted living so I could be with her all the time with basics covered by someone else. We sleep together and I wake her up when she has screaming nightmares. This is what it's about. I'm almost 80 now; she's older that that. This is love that I was never taught. I had to learn it.
If at all possible, work it out.
"For better or worse" means something more than I ever knew.

What Love Is All About

It was a busy morning, approximately 8:30 am, when an elderly gentleman, in his 80’s arrived to have stitches removed from his thumb. He stated that he was in a hurry and that he had an appointment at 9:00 am. I took his vital signs, and had him take a seat, knowing it would be over an hour before someone would be able to see him. I saw him looking at his watch and decided, since I was not busy with another patient, I would evaluate his wound.

On exam it was well healed, so I talked to one of the doctors, got the needed supplies to remove his sutures and redressed his wound. While taking care of him, we began to engage in conversation. I asked him if he had a doctor’s appointment this morning, as he was in such a hurry. The gentleman told me no, that he needed to go to the nursing home to eat breakfast with his wife. I then inquired as to her health. He told me that she had been there for awhile and was a victim of Alzheimer’s Disease.

As we talked and I finished dressing his wound, I asked if she would be worried if he was a bit late. He replied that she no longer knew who he was, and hadn’t recognized him in five years. I was surprised, and asked him, “And you still go every morning, even though she doesn’t know who you are?” He smiled and patted my hand and said,

"She doesn’t know me, but I still know who she is."

 

[Bird123]

He didn't report any responsibilities, just problems. I sounded like all concerned would be happier if they separated.
Why is running from a problems never a solution? If the problem is a dysfunctional association, wouldn't it go away if there was no more association/?

Kids won't speak to you??? Are you saying anything they want to hear??

But why claw and scratch, and spend so much effort to fix a problem you could just walk away from? The problem goes away when you do.
'Unconditional' anything is potentially problematic.
Not so clear. Sounds like a lot of sentimental platitudes. Why go to all the effort to repair a thing when there are functional replacements everywhere?[/QUOTE]


Wisdom is acquired on the journey to overcome problems. It's easy to blame others for the problems one has, however they have something to do with the one having the problem. One can attempt to run from problems but one can not run from oneself. Problems that are not solved but merely avoided seem to return so the lessons can be learned.

That's what I see. It's very clear!!

 

[Bird123]

Also needed is to love yourself when loving unconditionally others; e.g. loving tigers or serial killers unconditionally might probably get you killed


Do you know 1 human who is able to love "Unconditionally" (has no ego). Remember "married till death do us part" is conditionally


Quite a thing to say of one self. I am not able to love others unconditionally, though I applaud such a goal; I leave it to others to tell this about me

Unconditional Love isn't about giving them everything they want. Unconditional Love always does what is Best for the other.

You assume everything must be perfect. Why is that? You are right. Unconditional Love is not always the easiest thing to accomplish. On the other hand, when one works toward that goal everything changes.

Deep down, I think you know the answer. You can make excuses with serial killers and such, however until you choose to change, nothing will.

Do you know what happens to people who need to change but stubbornly refuse? They hurt until they reach a point and realize it's easier to change than remain the same.

Your journey is in your hands. It's all up to you. I merely point. Your ability to make things better has always been within your reach.

That's what I see. It's very clear!!

 

[stvdv]

Unconditional Love isn't about giving them everything they want. Unconditional Love always does what is Best for the other.

I know

You assume everything must be perfect.

No. You read more into my words than I wrote

Why is that?

How come you read something else, then what I wrote?

Deep down, I think you know the answer.

I know. I have no doubts in that area

Do you know what happens to people who need to change but stubbornly refuse?

Yes, I know

Your journey is in your hands. It's all up to you.

You can only speak for yourself. My life in the hands of my Master. He told me, so your above quote is false

Your ability to make things better has always been within your reach.

With this I agree

That's what I see. It's very clear !!!

 

[QuestioningMind]

He didn't report any responsibilities, just problems. I sounded like all concerned would be happier if they separated.
Why is running from a problems never a solution? If the problem is a dysfunctional association, wouldn't it go away if there was no more association/?

Kids won't speak to you??? Are you saying anything they want to hear??

But why claw and scratch, and spend so much effort to fix a problem you could just walk away from? The problem goes away when you do.
'Unconditional' anything is potentially problematic.
Not so clear. Sounds like a lot of sentimental platitudes. Why go to all the effort to repair a thing when there are functional replacements everywhere?[/QUOTE]

He didn't report any responsibilities, just problems. I sounded like all concerned would be happier if they separated.

a·ban·don
/əˈbandən/

verb

1. 1.
   cease to support or look after (someone); desert.
   "her natural mother had abandoned her at an early age"

The fact that he used the word 'abandon' suggests that he does have responsibilities that he wants to ignore.

 

[JustGeorge]

I don't think there's really enough information to make any sound judgement calls.

I don't know how old his kids are. A 2 year old not talking to you is not the same as a 22 year not talking to you. There's no reason to take offense at a kid being a kid. It isn't unreasonable to be upset by an adult child treating you cruelly, though.

Its impossible to know what's going on with the little bit he's said, though the change in avatar somewhat gives hints to his feelings in recent developments I suspect.

Whatever the situation is though, I hope it settles down for you soon, @Cooky , and you're able to find the best answer for all involved.

 

[Valjean]

Kids won't speak to you??? Are you saying anything they want to hear??

But why claw and scratch, and spend so much effort to fix a problem you could just walk away from? The problem goes away when you do.
'Unconditional' anything is potentially problematic.
Not so clear. Sounds like a lot of sentimental platitudes. Why go to all the effort to repair a thing when there are functional replacements everywhere?

Wisdom is acquired on the journey to overcome problems. It's easy to blame others for the problems one has, however they have something to do with the one having the problem. One can attempt to run from problems but one can not run from oneself. Problems that are not solved but merely avoided seem to return so the lessons can be learned.

That's what I see. It's very clear!![/QUOTE]
I never married, and have no kids. I didn't get along with my family, so, when I came of age, I left -- problem solved; win-win.

Wisdom? Is struggling to maintain relationships with incompatible people a path to wisdom?
Blaming others? Who's blaming others? No need for confrontation. If you see a barrier in your path just walk around it. Why insist on demolishing it or tunneling through it or somehow "overcoming" it?

 

[Bird123]

Wisdom is acquired on the journey to overcome problems. It's easy to blame others for the problems one has, however they have something to do with the one having the problem. One can attempt to run from problems but one can not run from oneself. Problems that are not solved but merely avoided seem to return so the lessons can be learned.

That's what I see. It's very clear!!

I never married, and have no kids. I didn't get along with my family, so, when I came of age, I left -- problem solved; win-win.

Wisdom? Is struggling to maintain relationships with incompatible people a path to wisdom?
Blaming others? Who's blaming others? No need for confrontation. If you see a barrier in your path just walk around it. Why insist on demolishing it or tunneling through it or somehow "overcoming" it?[/QUOTE]


Blame is one of those petty things mankind holds so dear. It is useless energy spent that usually just results in hurting someone. Do not ever value Blame!!

Did you never marry or have kids as a result of those family problems of the past? Is this really a win?

Is your goal peace at all cost? Is that really the best choice? Could there be something you are missing?

I met a man who had a wonderful little boy who is now 1 year old. This man told me he had no idea of the capacity that a person could love until he had his child.

I met another man who had 9 kids. He said that with so many something is always going on. He also said with so many one is never lonely.

I know another man who mentioned that his kids always seem to fuss and fight. He said it bothered him at first but then suddenly everything is ok. He understands and now it's Home.

There is another guy who could not get along with his son. This son left home never to speak to his dad again. Both dad and son are perfect for each other. Why? they are both too proud and too stubborn to make the first move back to each other. They are avoiding but the showdown will come for the learning.

Yes, there are many many lessons around family and children. Until lessons are learned, one must repeat them.

Haven't you ever wanted a warm loving close nit family and family life. If you run, how can you ever learn to create that for yourself?

Will there be Drama? You bet!! I have found that most of the learning comes around drama. Since life is about learning and growing, Drama is going to happen.

A wonderful thing is when they love you enough to work through all the problems and love you in spite of it all. They love you for you!

I have been lucky. I have a close nit family. On the other hand, it does take work, however when I need the worst, one of them will always help.

It's never to late to work at fixing the family. People like to discard what isn't easily fixed. This is where mankind creates the idea of Hell. We are not meant to discard. WE are meant to Learn, Grow, Overcome, then Fix ourselves and others around us. The Higher Level is to Fix us all.

That's what I see. It's very clear!!

 

[Valjean]

I never married, and have no kids. I didn't get along with my family, so, when I came of age, I left -- problem solved; win-win.

Wisdom? Is struggling to maintain relationships with incompatible people a path to wisdom?
Blaming others? Who's blaming others? No need for confrontation. If you see a barrier in your path just walk around it. Why insist on demolishing it or tunneling through it or somehow "overcoming" it?

You need to reformat your post, Bird. I understand posting with that large bill can be difficult, but your post is confusing.
What I'm quoted as saying I did not say. What appears to be your response is both what I did say plus your commentary.

Bird said:
Blame is one of those petty things mankind holds so dear. It is useless energy spent that usually just results in hurting someone. Do not ever value Blame!!

I'm not blaming anyone.

Did you never marry or have kids as a result of those family problems of the past? Is this really a win?

No, I never married or had kids 'cause I saw no advantage to it.
I've had plenty of friends of both sexes, but saw no advantage to complicating things with legal formalities or responsibilities.

Is your goal peace at all cost? Is that really the best choice? Could there be something you are missing?

Huh? "Peace at all costs?" My alienation entailed no cost.
Apparently you value/need a biological family. I do not.
The song is wrong: People who need people, are the unluckiest people in the world.

I met a man who had a wonderful little boy who is now 1 year old. This man told me he had no idea of the capacity that a person could love until he had his child.

Yet sociological surveys find that ~70% of parents say having children was not worth it -- at least, not till they're grown.
Read This If You’re Not Sure You Want Kids
I guess some people just don't know what to do with themselves if they don't have expensive, binding responsibilities. They just can't handle freedom and prosperity. I'm not one of these people.

I met another man who had 9 kids. He said that with so many something is always going on. He also said with so many one is never lonely.

I'm never lonely.
If you're uncomfortable with yourself and need a distraction, why not just get a cat?

I know another man who mentioned that his kids always seem to fuss and fight. He said it bothered him at first but then suddenly everything is ok. He understands and now it's Home.

There is another guy who could not get along with his son. This son left home never to speak to his dad again. Both dad and son are perfect for each other. Why? they are both too proud and too stubborn to make the first move back to each other. They are avoiding but the showdown will come for the learning.

No pride or stubbornness here. Obviously the unconventional upsets you. You're inventing problems that aren't there.

Yes, there are many many lessons around family and children. Until lessons are learned, one must repeat them.

Huh???

Haven't you ever wanted a warm loving close nit family and family life. If you run, how can you ever learn to create that for yourself?

No, I never wanted or needed a close-knit family. Why should I want to create unneeded and expensive restrictions in my life?

A wonderful thing is when they love you enough to work through all the problems and love you in spite of it all. They love you for you!

They love you 'cause they need you. I prefer those who love me but don't need me.

I have been lucky. I have a close nit family. On the other hand, it does take work, however when I need the worst, one of them will always help.

Without the expenses and restrictions of a family you wouldn't need help, and if you did you could afford it.

It's never to late to work at fixing the family. People like to discard what isn't easily fixed. This is where mankind creates the idea of Hell. We are not meant to discard. WE are meant to Learn, Grow, Overcome, then Fix ourselves and others around us. The Higher Level is to Fix us all.

My family didn't need fixing. It wasn't broken, it was just restrictive, annoying and unnecessary. My alienation was the fix.
We "discard" what we don't need; what is burdensome. My family was burdensome and unneeded. Why should I not have left them?