Drolefille
PolyPanGeekGirl
By popular request. Meaning like 2 or 3 of us. :rainbow1::rainbow1::rainbow1:
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The Polyamory Thread
- Thread starter Drolefille
- Start date
technomage
Finding my own way
My wife and I briefly considered a polyamorous marriage, but decided it wasn't for us personally.
Drolefille
PolyPanGeekGirl
Cool beans. I will never be a poly-supremacist and claim that poly is for everyone, is the "natural" way to be or that it would solve all problems ever.
It's actually a lot of work sometimes.
technomage
Finding my own way
I can appreciate that.
It's a nice idea, but I am very possessive and jealous. Maybe that will change as I work on my insecurities. But I haven't had a monogamous relationship IRL before, just online stuff or being the third wheel. I'd like to try out being someone's only partner.
But I'm not dating or sexually active right now.
But I'm not dating or sexually active right now.
Drolefille
PolyPanGeekGirl
I currently have my live in boyfriend, and a long distance boyfriend. My longest-distance boyfriend has turned into a very very good friend. I still love him, but could not any longer make a 15 hour drive happen often enough to see him.
My live-in boyfriend is not polyamorous so he is struggling a lot with me and our relationship.
My live-in boyfriend is not polyamorous so he is struggling a lot with me and our relationship.
technomage
Finding my own way
I can see where that would be difficult. For me, the only way I could even imagine a poly-amorous relationship is if all parties were mutually in love with each of the other parties. I would be exceedingly uncomfortable with the situation you describe, either as a male in a polyandrous relationship, or a male in a polygynous relationship where I'm trying to balance the needs of two partners that were not in love with each other.
Please note, "exceedingly uncomfortable" is NOT a condemnation of your situation or of your choices--it is simply acknowledgement that I could not achieve what you have.
Drolefille
PolyPanGeekGirl
No no, I understand.
I've only once been in a triad - what you're talking about where all parties are involved with each other. It didn't work mostly because I was the "unicorn" - the "hot bisexual babe who will love both of us equally and whose relationship will be subservient to the primary couple." Yeah that ... that doesn't work. I maintain that that couple was not actually poly, just "open."
I've been in a lot of "V" relationships where my boyfriend has another girlfriend, or I have multiple partners, etc. Inherently those aren't that difficult other than scheduling. At least when everyone's poly and happy with that.
My primary partner not being poly is a huuuuge stressor on the relationship. And at the same time, I would probably attempt to be mono for him despite it costing me my second relationship. I don't love my other boyfriend less, but my primary is someone I'm looking at marriage with. He doesn't want me to make that choice.
A guy who has a thing for me and I'll probably meet up with is poly and his relationship with his girlfriend is on the rocks over it.
Yeah, been there. Done that. Got the t-shirt to prove it. That's really only an attempt to fulfill a fantasy while trying to define it as polyamory, or at least how I personally define it. The way I define polyamory involves an authenticity and respect for all parties involved. Basically how I define my primary relationship with my husband, but expanded to include whoever we decide to be intimate with. It's probably why we haven't sought out a threesome or create a triad. For us, I think, it just doesn't jive.
I mean, if things change and we suddenly start finding a mutual interest or openness in that, we'd work something out.
Yes. This this this.
I highly recommend finding what are the Red Line scenarios then and seeing which ones you both can agree on as a starting point. When Steve and I were first married, both of us in spite of having multiple partners and multiple sexual situations decided we needed to follow the rule of monogamy until hubbie was caught with another woman, and it forced us to have an honest talk about the nature of our marriage, what we REALLY want, and what we're uncomfortable with. We discovered that both of us were poly, though we kept it deep in our individual closets for years if we were in a relationship prior to our marriage.
Of course, that change didn't occur overnight. Those initial conversations lasted months if not years.
After many many many years of trial and error and fears and freedoms we have found a very happy medium of where we both trust each other completely in outside relationships. I'm not suggesting that you and your partner need to find a way to make your relationship poly, especially if he's mono. Just find what circumstances are negotiable and can be put on the table for discussion. You obviously want the both of you to be happy, and there's ways to find your own happy medium.
Drolefille
PolyPanGeekGirl
We have, right now he can tolerate my second relationship (although really wishes it were with a woman, he understands that that's screwed up but admits it.). He is ok with that relationship being emotional but not sexual right now - which kind of puts us at the making out/second base realm of things.
I want it to progress but he's been kind of stuck here.
Absolutely. And we've been together for a year now. We're figuring stuff out still, even though in many many other ways he and I feel like we've been together forever.
Thanks so much. It helps knowing other people have been through similar stuff. We're working. I really do want to marry this guy
:hug:
technomage
Finding my own way
It would be the same as an introvert in a monogamous relationship: my wife and I have worked things out so that if I need some alone time, she knows it's not because I don't love her or don't want to see her, it's just because I need to recharge my "sociability" batteries.
Drolefille
PolyPanGeekGirl
I'm hugely introverted, however my partners are typically sources of energy for me rather than draining. So going to a gaming convention is almost bearable with a boyfriend with me.
That said, Primary boyfriend has actually made me a couch fort and respects my need to be alone sometimes. Even if that "alone" includes arguing on the internet. If I had a houseful of people I'd probably need more alone time and scheduled time with each of them. As it stands secondary boyfriend is more long distance.
For us, we don't necessarily have to be in more than one relationship at every moment. In fact, since the business opened, we've found ourselves much more committed to that than to seeking outside partners. Every now and then, an opportunity pops up, and we might find ourselves casually approaching them. But for the record, typically it's like how we used to find dates when we weren't in any relationships prior.
What I think some folks forget is that there's still a cultural taboo against polyamory, so many people are more than hesitant to approach an obviously married woman or man, and especially if those people are married too. It feels like adultery or infidelity to a good numbers, and so it's considered a sin or a social risk. They're not used to meeting their potential date's spouse to get to know one of us. It "feels weird" most of the time.
So, for what it's worth, we're not swimming in outside partners 24 hours a day. I'm very social, and I still don't find myself hooking up over and over again. It's not a bad thing, since hubbie and I prefer an honest journey with everyone involved.
dust1n
Zindīq
Thanks for the responses. One more:
What's the notable difference between a polyamorous relationship and an open one. I was under the impression that a polyamorous entails more than a single partner for a long-term period of time, thus polyamorous (multiple loves), while an open relationship had no additional ltr's involved. Is this impression somewhat accurate or mislead?
What's the notable difference between a polyamorous relationship and an open one. I was under the impression that a polyamorous entails more than a single partner for a long-term period of time, thus polyamorous (multiple loves), while an open relationship had no additional ltr's involved. Is this impression somewhat accurate or mislead?
Drolefille
PolyPanGeekGirl
It's vague and overlapping and there aren't really firm definitions but here's my best shot.
So open vs. closed typically means whether any particular member of the relationship is looking for other partners. It's possible to have a "closed triad" where the three people are all seeing each other but not seeking out anyone else. Vs. an open triad where three people all see each other but may be seeking or open to the possibility of other partners.
But it isn't that simple. Of course
So a typical couple that are "open" might be OK with sex with others, but not relationships, or ok with a friends with benefits situation, but not romantic relationships, or they might basically be "poly" but not use the label.
Poly specifically is "many loves" as you noted, and typically means that the individuals are open to having multiple romantic (usually including sexual) relationships with other people. They might also occasionally bang a guy they pick up at the club too... so you see there's a lot of overlap.
Swinging, as a note, is pretty much the *ugh* "wife swap" thing. I dislike the terminology. But two (or more) couples who engage in sex with each other's partners but don't have a romantic relationship outside of that. That isn't even always accurate either. Swinging tends to be "older" terminology and the population who identify that way tends to be older. And there's often a lot of heterosexism. (Honestly kink is where I a LOT of heterosexism, gender essentialism (male dom/female sub) and a surprising amount of conservative Christians espousing the above. But that's a digression.)
So yeah there's a lot of overlap. I use poly in the sense I defined it. But as a default saying I'm "non-monogamous" can be clearer, if simply broad.
Drolefille's description is pretty much how I'd say it, too. Polyamory is a relatively newer definition for what was defined as "open" relationships, though back then how we have our marriage is traditionally (*snicker*) considered an open marriage, with both spouses having the liberty to seek outside partners for coupling. Polyamory I think allows relationships to define their own parameters, how many, how much time, and how intimate, meaning that poly people can engage in group dynamics of more than two or three. IOW I see polyamory being the umbrella term for how poly people wish to negotiate their time and boundaries of physical and emotional intimacy with others in their circle.
Hubbie and I nearly did a swap with another couple, but the guy in the other relationship flipped out shortly before we were all going to spend a weekend together. So, I can't say anything first-hand about how something like that really is.