hey everyone,
I've had depression for seven years since leaving/"dropping out" of university at the start of the second year. After finishing my degree from home back in August 2013, I have been waiting and hoping the depression would pass in order for me to get a job.its got alot easier but it's january 2016 and it hasn't gone completely. At the same time I can't justify the "status quo" of being in some sort of purgatory anymore. there is now a big gap in my work history, and with no previous employer "doing nothing" will only make it worse.
I'm wondering whether this is simply a question of really low self-confidence and just "getting on with it" and managing what remains of the depression as best I can. I'm not trying to make a point or anything but RF is the only place I can unload and talk honestly about stuff. so I hope you don't mind.
my parents seem to be "no where" on this and just bury the subject in silence or it becomes some big overwhelming commitment and either way I'm robbed of any decision making power in the process. In otherwords anything I do will be off my own back and I will have to sustain the effort- no matter what stupid, idiotic reason my parents find for me "not doing it right"; whether its the fact I'll need money to commute to do unpaid voluntary work when my dad is paranoid at even the thought of spending money or otherwise take a job that does pay and covers the bus fare but which I am hideously over-qualifed for and then have to put up with my parents saying "its not good enough for you" (roughly translates as "its not good enough for them"). when the subject has come up with my dad, it very quickly turns into a political conversation about how screwed up everything is; i.e. exactly the sort of impersonal and de-motivating conversation I don't need. I have no real substantive relationship with my mum; we live in the same house but we just don't talk about anything.
more generally, I just don't see where it is going. I can't connect the idea of getting a job with anything I want to do. it feels like an imposition. being "realistic" means constantly lowering expectings making my depression worse and robbing me of any motivation.there is no real career goal in mind. its not as if I can't do it, but simply being told "get a job" is a the least motivating reason to get one. I've stayed in touch with a freind of mine and everytime we chat the issues of jobs comes up; I know he's trying to do the right thing but I can't be honest with him because basically I really want to tell him to **** off. trying to say anything like "I need the time" or "I want a reason" just feels selfish (even though that would probably help with the depression). the stigma of being depressed AND unemployed means this subject is off the menu with anyone on Facebook, etc. I have come to despise facebook because being honest with people about how bad things have been/are makes me feel like a burden and based on the fact most of the conversations are outgoing, they probably don't care anyway.
the joy of anonymity means I don't care so much on RF as I'm not going to suddenly bump into you on the street and have to lie through my teeth about how wonderful everything is. its a strange life when you only ever tell the truth about yourself online. even what I've said so far in this thread is more than what everyone else knows about me. that at least give you an idea of how toxic it feels to be in my shoes anyway.
the depression is bad but has ceased to be as psychologically crippling as it once was. there are still a few trigger issues which screw me up, but they are now relatively limited. the biggest step forward would be looking for a job and simply sustaining the effort. getting one isn't really in my control but the past two months I've done everything I reasonably can to sort out the depression and get myself ready for a new year.
anyway. rant over.
advice is very welcome (not specifically on jobs but just managing depression whilst looking for one so I can convince myself to take that first step). if you want to ask me a question thats fine. really all I'm looking for is just to get the "thought process" going that I convince myself I am actually going to do this and take that first step. I don't get much support offline and just letting off steam on here is the best I can do.
Thanks for listening.
I've had depression for seven years since leaving/"dropping out" of university at the start of the second year. After finishing my degree from home back in August 2013, I have been waiting and hoping the depression would pass in order for me to get a job.its got alot easier but it's january 2016 and it hasn't gone completely. At the same time I can't justify the "status quo" of being in some sort of purgatory anymore. there is now a big gap in my work history, and with no previous employer "doing nothing" will only make it worse.
I'm wondering whether this is simply a question of really low self-confidence and just "getting on with it" and managing what remains of the depression as best I can. I'm not trying to make a point or anything but RF is the only place I can unload and talk honestly about stuff. so I hope you don't mind.
my parents seem to be "no where" on this and just bury the subject in silence or it becomes some big overwhelming commitment and either way I'm robbed of any decision making power in the process. In otherwords anything I do will be off my own back and I will have to sustain the effort- no matter what stupid, idiotic reason my parents find for me "not doing it right"; whether its the fact I'll need money to commute to do unpaid voluntary work when my dad is paranoid at even the thought of spending money or otherwise take a job that does pay and covers the bus fare but which I am hideously over-qualifed for and then have to put up with my parents saying "its not good enough for you" (roughly translates as "its not good enough for them"). when the subject has come up with my dad, it very quickly turns into a political conversation about how screwed up everything is; i.e. exactly the sort of impersonal and de-motivating conversation I don't need. I have no real substantive relationship with my mum; we live in the same house but we just don't talk about anything.
more generally, I just don't see where it is going. I can't connect the idea of getting a job with anything I want to do. it feels like an imposition. being "realistic" means constantly lowering expectings making my depression worse and robbing me of any motivation.there is no real career goal in mind. its not as if I can't do it, but simply being told "get a job" is a the least motivating reason to get one. I've stayed in touch with a freind of mine and everytime we chat the issues of jobs comes up; I know he's trying to do the right thing but I can't be honest with him because basically I really want to tell him to **** off. trying to say anything like "I need the time" or "I want a reason" just feels selfish (even though that would probably help with the depression). the stigma of being depressed AND unemployed means this subject is off the menu with anyone on Facebook, etc. I have come to despise facebook because being honest with people about how bad things have been/are makes me feel like a burden and based on the fact most of the conversations are outgoing, they probably don't care anyway.
the joy of anonymity means I don't care so much on RF as I'm not going to suddenly bump into you on the street and have to lie through my teeth about how wonderful everything is. its a strange life when you only ever tell the truth about yourself online. even what I've said so far in this thread is more than what everyone else knows about me. that at least give you an idea of how toxic it feels to be in my shoes anyway.
the depression is bad but has ceased to be as psychologically crippling as it once was. there are still a few trigger issues which screw me up, but they are now relatively limited. the biggest step forward would be looking for a job and simply sustaining the effort. getting one isn't really in my control but the past two months I've done everything I reasonably can to sort out the depression and get myself ready for a new year.
anyway. rant over.
advice is very welcome (not specifically on jobs but just managing depression whilst looking for one so I can convince myself to take that first step). if you want to ask me a question thats fine. really all I'm looking for is just to get the "thought process" going that I convince myself I am actually going to do this and take that first step. I don't get much support offline and just letting off steam on here is the best I can do.
Thanks for listening.
