Temper | Chapters 1 & 2

[s13ep]

Chapter 1: Angels and Demons
You, and whatever else is to be, have not yet become; you're formless, and void.

You move like a spirit, and discover the same emptiness over, and over, but nothing more and nothing less.

Out of nowhere, you are overwhelmed by colourless, lucid waves that begin to distort and warp the emptiness, and you are spirited away....

You emerge in a new time, by white mists, that seem to veil a land of mystery. You see two silhouettes, one is slim and dark red, and the other, bulky and sky blue; they both charge and clash with each other hazardously.

The white mist disperses at an eerie rate, and unveils a duo of warring creatures. A white-winged-angel, and a black-tailed-demon; they're set upon light-green flatland that's laden with dry, white speckles.

The angel, etched with countless white markings similar to the landscape, pulls back the blue handle of it's sword and holds it, two-handed, behind it's right shoulder; the blade lain across it's sad, ape countenance. At the other end, away from the angel, is the demon who's been sweptback into a ball that bashes off the ground; it's using it's heavy tail to counterbalance and recover.

The demon allocates it's poise, digging it's back foot, and stabbing it's two daggers into the earth; it clutches the red handgrips with vigour, and the weight halts it's decline from the angel's critical hit.

A dust-cloud forms in the demons wake, and it's hidden behind it.

The dust- patient in the still air- guises a set of eyes that glow with amber. The angel reacts to this by reaffirming it's rule over it's instrument; but to the contrary, a white bandage wrapped tightly around it's head covers it's eyes from view.

A few moment pass, and the dust-cloud departs the air...

The demon is in clear view, it's daggers down by it's sides, held only by the tips of it's fingers. The angel takes his left hand off of his weapon, and pulls it to his side; it's glare is seen coming across the demon's scaly body, who reacts with a wicked grin.

Suddenly, the duo start to hotfoot across the unworldly ground.

The creatures draw closer, and closer to each other, and another conflict is immanent. The demon pounces high, and the angel crouches, low, sliding across the ground, when abruptly, the white mists return to the battlefield, and the two become silhouettes.

You see sparks between them as the white mists becomes fuller, and fuller, shielding even their colours from view.

Some moments pass where you're staring at whiteness...

The mists clear, and you're back in the same emptiness from earlier.

From the depths of the emptiness comes a guilty spark, that shimmers, once, before it collapses and creates a super-massive explosion. You try to watch, but the pressure of the phenomenon causes you to white out....

Chapter 2: Sol
Your tired eyes are shut tight. You listen to the endless peace of a nearby ocean, wave by wave, as they send a gentle breeze your way. You're thinking of the dream of last night...

“The Angel, and the-” your thoughts are cut off by someone who pushes your arm, softly.

“...Temper! Temper, wake up!” a girls voice exclaims- she continues to push.

“Huh, that's not my name?” you think, and open up your dreamy, lazed eyes.

You're led on your back, upon soft sands that are hot to touch. There's an ocean to your left, and above you, a shimmering sky. A girl with short, red hair and a fringe, is to your side, shading you from the Sun; the tide comes across her feet, and goes out. You push your elbows into the sand, and look up at her.

The girl has feminine look, and is in her mid-teens; she has eyes like seas, wide and wild, switching dubiously between yours and your right hand. She has a chiselled, rare nose, and perked up ears, like her immediate impression. You see her as about five foot eight in height, and of a high metabolism. The veins of her slim body are like rivers, running across her Mediterranean skin. Her palms look soft, and they're moving toward yours; the shining Sun glares partially over her shoulder as she crouches.

“Come on, Temper! Get up! You said you'd take me to the city today...” she says as she pulls your hand. You give way, and allow her to pull you up into the bright sunlight, quickly seized by her sun-kissed face...

She is happy you're awake, a tear of happiness falls from her eye; like a Father you smile, and rub her hair.

“What's her name? I shouldn't be rude...” you wonder. “I... I will take you to the city...” you proclaim with honesty.

She rushes off in front, along the shoreline, “Come, we have to be quick” she commands, and you pursue her.

A flock of blue-beaked gulls fly over you and her, toward the waters; you and the girl make variant turns to watch them glide in the ocean wind. You notice the Sun beyond blue arrows, setting, and the sky getting redder, as the birds begin to fly westward.

You stop for a second, scanning the city that's at the end of the beach. There are many sky-scrapers, some smaller than others, all lighting up their signs and rooms. The girl didn't notice you had stopped, and is a league ahead. You increase your pace, when out of nowhere, you're sundered by a harsh pain, and the distorted panorama is saturated red.

You are over-encumbered by sinister voices, that all speak over each other. There is a loud silence, and the darkest voice emerges over them all, and says “Will you save her?”; and as soon as it does the pain resides. You instantly look up at the girl's last position, and like the Sun, the girl is gone...

 

[Brickjectivity]

I'm not an English teacher or anything, so I will just say what comes to mind.

Chapter 1: Angels and Demons
You, and whatever else is to be, have not yet become; you're formless, and void.

You move like a spirit, and discover the same emptiness over, and over, but nothing more and nothing less.

Out of nowhere, you are overwhelmed by colourless, lucid waves that begin to distort and warp the emptiness, and you are spirited away....

I like this idea, but you need to obfuscate references to popular literature such as the Bible and the movie Spirited Away. They are distracting, and also I am having to rely on my Bible knowledge to figure out what you want me to see.

You emerge in a new time, by white mists, that seem to veil a land of mystery. You see two silhouettes, one is slim and dark red, and the other, bulky and sky blue; they both charge and clash with each other hazardously.

The white mist disperses at an eerie rate, and unveils a duo of warring creatures. A white-winged-angel, and a black-tailed-demon; they're set upon light-green flatland that's laden with dry, white speckles.

The angel, etched with countless white markings similar to the landscape, pulls back the blue handle of it's sword and holds it, two-handed, behind it's right shoulder; the blade lain across it's sad, ape countenance. At the other end, away from the angel, is the demon who's been sweptback into a ball that bashes off the ground; it's using it's heavy tail to counterbalance and recover.

Seems OK. It requires a lot of imagination on the part of the reader though to connect all the images. Maybe turn it into a short story of several pages that introduces all the symbols without the readers having to make an effort. Leave out some details that they will be curious about such as why the blue color etc., but don't trust your readers to be so imaginative. We're not. We just want to believe that we are. Most of the rest of part 1 could be a small part of the story.

Chapter 2 seems good, however you have not fooled me into seeing your world. You must make me want to know what your next sentence is.

I am not a writer, but I have run across writing communities. One very successful fiction author, Orson Scott Card, founded one for this kind of thing where people could critique each other's work. You could probably get a lot better quality criticism that way. http://www.hatrack.com/ Hatrack has a lot of resources and people working together. So, I would just ignore most of what I said and look for knowledgeable people that actually have written things.

 

[s13ep]

I agree Brick, I have the same issue with imagining the imagery in Chapter 1, some in Chapter 2. However, I'm amending it day by day and will one day post the amended version.

I don't think we imagine the same but I think the Earth is the same for all of us, though we have differing views, etc.

I will check that link out. I'm also part of writingforums which is my main resource for critique and others works, techniques, etc.

People there said round about the same, that "it was a bit heavy on the front-side", etc.

Thanks for the feedback.

 

[s13ep]

Chapter 1: Transcendence
You find yourself in the midst of a dark cathedral. The scent of blood of many of rituals has a hold on your senses. There is a priest by a candle-lit altar, dressed in black robes, he holds a dagger above his head, blade pointing down.

You are drawn in to the altar by a sudden sorcery.

You look into the vessel on top, to see it's filled with blood. The priest, who's face is derelict by the shadow of his hood, is chanting in a satanic code. Suddenly, he drags down his dagger to cut your face. You bleed, slightly, a lighter form of blood, that splashes on the surface, drip by drip, of that which is darker, older and more prominent.

The priest has a crazed reaction...
“H... He is there!” he manages to shout in cowardice, as he stumbles backwards, and runs towards the arched entrance.

He accidentally drops his tempered-blade, and when it hits the marble floor it's vibrations hum throughout the cathedral.
“He is there!” he repeats.

As he nears the entrance, he stops, and pulls back his hood. It reveals his bald head with a shining halo hovering above it.
“Forgive me...” he says, as he walks outside, into the cover of night.

You look into the vessel, and you see your fresh blood has filtered into a large dot in the centre. The mature, darker blood around it channels waves clock-wise. You watch, and you're overwhelmed by the phenomenon; it causes you to tire, until you begin to hallucinate.

You envision the priest's fallen dagger- it's hum rings in your ears. This image is explicit, each vibration is intricate. You have a flashback of the priest as he rends you with it.

The memory is repeated- over, and over- the pain increasing each time he strikes you. The scene is replayed faster, and more vivacious; blood dripping- cut after cut- until you blackout.

Chapter 2: Caelum
Your tired eyes are shut tight. You're listening to the endless peace of a nearby ocean, wave by wave, as they send a gentle breeze your way. You think of the dream of last night...
“The Angel, and the-” your thoughts are cut off by someone who pushes your arm, softly.
“...Temper! Temper, wake up!” a girls voice exclaims- she continues to push.
“Huh, that's not my name?” you think, and open up your dreamy eyes.

You're led on your back, upon soft sands that are hot to touch. There's an ocean to your left, and above you, a shimmering sky. A girl with short, red hair and a fringe, is to your side, shading you from the Sun; the tide comes across her feet, and goes out. You push your elbows into the sand, and look up at her.

The girl has feminine look, and is in her mid-teens; she has eyes like seas, wide and wild, switching dubiously between yours and your right hand. She has a chiselled, rare nose, and perked up ears, like her immediate impression. You see her as about five foot eight in height, and of a high metabolism. The veins of her slim body are like rivers, running across her Mediterranean skin. Her palms look soft, and they're moving toward yours; the shining Sun glares over her shoulder as she crouches.
“Come on, Temper! Get up! You said you'd take me to the city today...” she says as she pulls your hand.

You give way, and allow her to pull you up into the bright sunlight, quickly seized by her sun-kissed face...

She is happy you're awake, a tear of happiness falls from her eye.
“What's her name? I shouldn't be rude...” you wonder. “I... I will take you to the city...” you proclaim with honesty.

She rushes off in front, along the shoreline, “Come, we have to be quick” she commands, and you pursue her.

A flock of blue-beaked gulls fly over you and her, toward the waters; you and the girl make variant turns to watch them glide in the ocean wind. You notice the Sun beyond blue arrows, setting, and the sky getting redder, as the birds begin to fly westward.

You stop for a second, scanning the city that's at the end of the beach. There are many sky-scrapers, some smaller than others, all lighting up their signs and rooms. The girl didn't notice you had stopped, and is a league ahead. You increase your pace, when suddenly, you're sundered by a harsh pain, and the distorted panorama is saturated red.

You are over-encumbered by sinister voices, that all speak over each other. There is a loud silence, and the darkest voice emerges over them all, and says “You can't save her...” and as soon as it's spoken, the pain resides. You instantly look up at the girls last position, and like the Sun, the girl is gone...