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Tell me a joke

Discussion in 'Games / Pics / Jokes / Stories' started by RayofLight, Oct 13, 2021.

  1. RayofLight

    RayofLight My pronouns: they/them

    Nov 21, 2018
    Pagan luciferian Witch
    @Dan From Smithville are you a stew now?
    • Funny Funny x 2
    • Like Like x 1
  2. 9-10ths_Penguin

    9-10ths_Penguin 1/10 Subway Stalinist
    Premium Member

    Jul 19, 2007
    None (atheist)
    How many tickles does it take to make an octopus laugh?
    Ten tickles.
    • Funny Funny x 2
    • Like Like x 1
    • Creative Creative x 1
  3. It Aint Necessarily So

    It Aint Necessarily So Well-Known Member
    Premium Member

    Mar 1, 2017
    I've got a ton of good jokes. I'll share several

    Do you consider this to be about religion:

    "My sister is dating a German man, and we went to a bagel shop. He said "Oh, Emo, I can't get a good bagel like this back home in Germany", and I said "Well, whose fault is that?" – Emo Phillips​

    Let's try a few more:

    A woman accompanied her husband to the doctor's office.

    After his checkup, the doctor called the wife into his office alone. He said, "Your husband is suffering from a very severe stress disorder. If you don't follow my instructions carefully, your husband will surely die."

    "Each morning, fix him a healthy breakfast. Be pleasant at all times. For lunch make him a nutritious meal. For dinner prepare an especially nice meal for him."

    "Don't burden him with chores. Don't discuss your problems with him; it will only make his stress worse. Do not nag him. Most importantly, make love to him regularly."

    "If you can do this for the next 10 months to a year, I think your husband will regain his health completely."

    On the way home, the husband asked his wife, "What did the doctor say?"

    "He said you're going to die," she replied.​

    Or this

    A woman takes her Schnauzer to its vet because it could barely hear. It’s ear hairs were tangled and matted, so the vet cleaned them out, and the dog could hear again. The vet told them that if they wanted to keep this from recurring, they should go to the drugstore and get some Nair, a hair remover, and rub it into its ears monthly.

    So, she shuffles off to the pharmacy. The woman asks the pharmacist whether they carry Nair. The pharmacists tells her yes, and grabs a bottle of it for her. The pharmacist tells her, "I must warn you that if you're going to use the Nair under your arms, don't use deodorant for a few days." The lady says, "I'm not using it under my arms"

    The pharmacist continues, "Well then, if you're going to be using it on your legs, I recommend that you not wear hose for a few days." The lady says, "I'm not using it on my legs either. If you must know, it's for my Schnauzer."

    The pharmacist says, "In that case, lady, you should probably stay off your bicycle for a few days.”​

    How about a physics joke?:

    Heisenberg and Schrödinger are driving in a car and they get pulled over. The police officer asks, “Do you know how fast you were going?” Heisenberg says, “Well, not really but I can tell you exactly where I was.” The officer thinks that this peculiar response is grounds for a search, and he finds a dead cat in the trunk. He says, “Do you guys know that there’s a dead cat in your trunk?” and Schrödinger answers, “Well, we do now!”​

    This one takes a little thinking:

    Did you hear about the man who was so despondent about not being able to remember the bridge to "Somewhere Over The Rainbow" that he jumped out of his third story Parisian apartment window. Unfortunately, the fall didn't kill him - it only paralyzed him. As he lay there motionless, listening to approaching police sirens in the distance, it suddenly came to him.​

    Or this

    An able-bodied seaman meets a pirate in a bar, and they take turns recounting their adventures at sea. Noting the pirate's peg-leg, hook, and eye patch, the seaman asks: "So, how did you end up with the peg-leg?"

    The pirate replies: "We was caught in a monster storm off the cape and a giant wave swept me overboard. Just as they were pullin' me out of the drink, a school of sharks appears and one of 'em bit me leg off".

    "Blimey!" said the seaman. "What about the hook"?

    "Ahhhh..." mused the pirate, "We was boardin' a trader ship, with pistols a-blastin' and swords a-swingin' this way and that. In the fracas me hand got chopped off."

    "Zounds!" remarked the seaman. "And how came ye by the eye patch?""

    ”A sea gull droppin' fell into me eye," answered the pirate.

    "You lost yer eye to a sea gull dropping?", the sailor asked incredulously.

    "Well..." said the pirate, "it was me first day with the hook."​
    • Like Like x 1
    • Winner Winner x 1
  4. lewisnotmiller

    lewisnotmiller Grand Hat
    Staff Member Premium Member

    May 6, 2013
    Why did the chicken cross the road?

    To visit the idiot. (Slight pause)

    Knock Knock.

    Who's there?

    The chicken.
    • Funny Funny x 2
  5. Mock Turtle

    Mock Turtle Silent Generation - so don't expect much
    Premium Member

    Feb 17, 2018
    Fellowship of the Mutable (agnostic atheist)
    It would even be modern if the CDs were swapped for vinyl. :D
    • Like Like x 1
  6. Dropship

    Dropship Member

    Oct 5, 2021
    Non-denom Christian
    A 1950's kid's toy, what could possibly go wrong?

    • Optimistic Optimistic x 2
    • Friendly Friendly x 1
  7. beenherebeforeagain

    beenherebeforeagain Rogue Animist
    Premium Member

    Aug 11, 2011
    Modern Animist
    Damn...I want on of those!!!
    • Winner Winner x 1
  8. Jose Fly

    Jose Fly Fisker of men

    Oct 13, 2007
    Probably showing my age here....

    A pirate walks into a bar with a steering wheel sticking out of his pants zipper. The bartender says, "Do you know you have a steering wheel stuck in your zipper?" The pirate answers, "Yar, I know....it's drivin' me nuts."

    A podiatrist is sitting in his office when a moth comes in. The doctor asks what he can do for him, and the moth starts telling him all about how stressed he is, how hard it is to be a moth, how much anxiety he has over being chased by bats, and how in general he's just not happy. The moth then says he's worried all that is harming his health. The podiatrist says, "I understand and sympathize, but you do know I'm a podiatrist, right?" The moth says yes, he does know the doctor is a podiatrist, which prompts the doctor to ask "So why did you come to me?" The moth answers, "Because your light is on."
    • Funny Funny x 3
  9. Jedster

    Jedster Well-Known Member

    Sep 15, 2015
    One of the worst jokes ever.

    A man goes to we the doctor because every time he puts on his hat , he hears music.
    The doctor says "give me your hat for a moment".
    So, he gives the doctor his hat, which the doctor quickly returns.
    Doc says, " Now try it".
    He puts the hat back on and lo and behold..no music.
    He says to the doc, "fantastic, no music. What did you do?"
    Doc says " I just removed the band."
    • Like Like x 1
    • Optimistic Optimistic x 1