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Tell a Religious joke
- Thread starter Spiderman
- Start date
A good man dies and goes to heaven. St. Peter is giving him a tour of one of the heavenly mansions. As they walk by room after room, St. Peter is informing him of who is in each one. When they get near the door to one particular room, St. Peter indicates that they should be very quiet and tip toe past the closed door. When they get to the other side the man asks Peter, " Why did we have to sneak by that room?" St. Peter Replied, "Oh that's the Church of Christ in there. They think they are the only ones here." (disclaimer ; No offense intended, just a joke I heard.) 
Jedster
Well-Known Member
Could you i magine if that what 'stoning' really meant?
which reminds me of this joke:
So the Pope arrives at the pearly gates and is greeted by Peter who welcomes him and says "You have been a wonderful person in your life and I can grant you any wish you make."
So the Pope requests to see the originals of all the scriptures.
Peter takes him to a room all decked out in comfortable furniture with lots of nice foods and sits the Pope down by a table containing all the scriptures. Peter leaves him there and the Pope starts reading.
After a few very quiet hours, Peter hears the Pope crying in distress. He rushed in the room and asks the Pope what the matter is, to which the Pope replied
"Aaaaah, it says celebrate!!"
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I will leave it to the master...
I won't post the link here as it is NSFW due to language, but go to YouTube and type "Carlin on religion". One of my favorite comedy bits ever.
I won't post the link here as it is NSFW due to language, but go to YouTube and type "Carlin on religion". One of my favorite comedy bits ever.
Another of my personal faves...
There was a preacher who fell in the ocean and he couldn't swim. When a boat came by, the captain yelled, "Do you need help, sir?" The preacher calmly said "No, God will save me." A little later, another boat came by and a fisherman asked, "Hey, do you need help?" The preacher replied again, "No God will save me." Eventually the preacher drowned & went to heaven. The preacher asked God, "Why didn't you save me?" God replied, "Fool, I sent you two boats!"
There was a preacher who fell in the ocean and he couldn't swim. When a boat came by, the captain yelled, "Do you need help, sir?" The preacher calmly said "No, God will save me." A little later, another boat came by and a fisherman asked, "Hey, do you need help?" The preacher replied again, "No God will save me." Eventually the preacher drowned & went to heaven. The preacher asked God, "Why didn't you save me?" God replied, "Fool, I sent you two boats!"
Neo Deist
Th.D. & D.Div. h.c.
A Catholic priest, a Baptist pastor, and a Jewish rabbi wanted to see who was the best, once and for all. So they went into the woods, and each one looked for a bear, with the goal of converting it to their respective religions. Later that week, they got together at the rabbi's house and shared experiences.
The priest said, “I found a bear in a cave, read to him from the catechism and sprinkled him with some holy water. Next week is his first Communion!”
“I found a bear by a river,” said the pastor, “and preached the Word of God to him. The bear was so filled with the Spirit that he let me baptize him right then and there!”
They both looked down at the rabbi, who was laying on his bed in a body cast. "In retrospect," he said, "Maybe I shouldn’t have started with the circumcision..."
The priest said, “I found a bear in a cave, read to him from the catechism and sprinkled him with some holy water. Next week is his first Communion!”
“I found a bear by a river,” said the pastor, “and preached the Word of God to him. The bear was so filled with the Spirit that he let me baptize him right then and there!”
They both looked down at the rabbi, who was laying on his bed in a body cast. "In retrospect," he said, "Maybe I shouldn’t have started with the circumcision..."
Deathbydefault
Apistevist Asexual Atheist
A rabbi, a priest and a minister walk into a bar. The bartender looks up and says, "What is this, a joke?"
Oeste
Well-Known Member
How It All Began...
In ancient Israel, it came to pass that a trader by the name of Abraham Com, did take unto himself a young wife by the name of Dot. And Dot Com was a comely woman, broad of shoulder and long of leg.
Indeed, she had been called Amazon Dot Com.
She said unto Abraham, her husband, "Why doth thou travel far from town to town with thy goods when thou can trade without ever leaving thy tent?" And Abraham did look at her as though she were several saddle bags short of a camel load, but simply said, "How, Dear?"
And Dot replied, "I will place drums in all the towns and drums in between to send messages saying what you have for sale and they will reply telling you which hath the best price. And the sale can be made on the drums and delivery made by Uriah's Pony Stable (UPS)."
Abraham thought long and decided he would let Dot have her way with the drums. The drums rang out and were an immediate success. Abraham sold all the goods he had at the top price, without ever moving from his tent. But this success did arouse envy.
A man named Maccabia did secret himself inside Abraham's drum and was accused of insider trading. And the young man did take to Dot Com's trading as doth the greedy horsefly take to camel dung. They were called Nomadic Ecclesiastical Rich Dominican Siderites, or NERDS for short.
And lo, the land was so feverish with joy at the new riches and the deafening sound of drums, that no one noticed that the real riches were going to the drum maker, one Brother William of Gates, who bought up every drum company in the land. And indeed did insist on making drums that would work only with Brother Gates' drumheads and drumsticks.
Dot did say, "Oh, Abraham, what we have started is being taken over by others." And as Abraham looked out over the Bay of Ezekiel, or as it came to be known "eBay" he said, "we need a name that reflects what we are," and Dot replied, "Young Ambitious Hebrew Owner Operators."
"YAHOO", said Abraham. And that is how it all began, so it wasn't really Al Gore after all.
In ancient Israel, it came to pass that a trader by the name of Abraham Com, did take unto himself a young wife by the name of Dot. And Dot Com was a comely woman, broad of shoulder and long of leg.
Indeed, she had been called Amazon Dot Com.
She said unto Abraham, her husband, "Why doth thou travel far from town to town with thy goods when thou can trade without ever leaving thy tent?" And Abraham did look at her as though she were several saddle bags short of a camel load, but simply said, "How, Dear?"
And Dot replied, "I will place drums in all the towns and drums in between to send messages saying what you have for sale and they will reply telling you which hath the best price. And the sale can be made on the drums and delivery made by Uriah's Pony Stable (UPS)."
Abraham thought long and decided he would let Dot have her way with the drums. The drums rang out and were an immediate success. Abraham sold all the goods he had at the top price, without ever moving from his tent. But this success did arouse envy.
A man named Maccabia did secret himself inside Abraham's drum and was accused of insider trading. And the young man did take to Dot Com's trading as doth the greedy horsefly take to camel dung. They were called Nomadic Ecclesiastical Rich Dominican Siderites, or NERDS for short.
And lo, the land was so feverish with joy at the new riches and the deafening sound of drums, that no one noticed that the real riches were going to the drum maker, one Brother William of Gates, who bought up every drum company in the land. And indeed did insist on making drums that would work only with Brother Gates' drumheads and drumsticks.
Dot did say, "Oh, Abraham, what we have started is being taken over by others." And as Abraham looked out over the Bay of Ezekiel, or as it came to be known "eBay" he said, "we need a name that reflects what we are," and Dot replied, "Young Ambitious Hebrew Owner Operators."
"YAHOO", said Abraham. And that is how it all began, so it wasn't really Al Gore after all.
Jedster
Well-Known Member
Ron Hubbard made more money out of that joke than you did
Spiderman
Veteran Member
Hahaha
Spiderman
Veteran Member
That's a good oneA Catholic priest, a Baptist pastor, and a Jewish rabbi wanted to see who was the best, once and for all. So they went into the woods, and each one looked for a bear, with the goal of converting it to their respective religions. Later that week, they got together at the rabbi's house and shared experiences.
The priest said, “I found a bear in a cave, read to him from the catechism and sprinkled him with some holy water. Next week is his first Communion!”
“I found a bear by a river,” said the pastor, “and preached the Word of God to him. The bear was so filled with the Spirit that he let me baptize him right then and there!”
They both looked down at the rabbi, who was laying on his bed in a body cast. "In retrospect," he said, "Maybe I shouldn’t have started with the circumcision..."
Unveiled Artist
Veteran Member
A Theist and a Atheist are lined in front the pearly gates to be judged.
God opened the gates, and the theist walks in.
God asked him, "what have you done for me that will let you into heaven?"
The theist answered, returned with a sad face, and stood with his friend.
The atheist studied the theist, sharpened his walk, and goes in.
God asked the same question.
"Well," the atheist said, "remember last year I gave you that hundred to see your son in Jesus Christ Super Star?" He leaned forward, "Did you go?"
"That's right!" God laughed, "Those front row seats were excellent." Then He paused, "let your friend know I'm off for the rest of the day."
"Will do," the atheist returned with a huge smile. He stopped, faced the theist, and asked his friend curiously, "How did you answer his question?"
His friend took a deep breathe, "I said I gave him faith."
He lowered his eyes, "what did you say?"
"I gave him cash."
~Carlita
You may post the link to the youtube video under a spoiler as long as its not obscene or referring to illegal activies or an attempt to solicit. Just put a bad language warning on the spoiler. You can make a spoiler with the plus button on the edit bar. Click plus, then its the second thing on the pop-up menu.
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Luciferi Baphomet
Lucifer, is my Liberator
This makes so much sense.I will leave it to the master...
I won't post the link here as it is NSFW due to language, but go to YouTube and type "Carlin on religion". One of my favorite comedy bits ever.
A Baptist minister, A Catholic priest and a Jewish rabbi find a chest of coins. They divide the coins 3 ways. The Minister draws a circle on the ground throws all his coins in the air and states everything in the circle is for the church, everything outside the circle for God. The Priest does the same but says every thing in the circle is for God the rest is for the church. The Rabbi, clutches his coins and throws them High in the air and says whatever God wants he should take.
