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Featured Struggling with hostile feelings towards some members of my faith community

Discussion in 'Seekers Circle' started by Jim, Apr 1, 2020.

  1. Jim

    Jim Nets of Wonder

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    NOTE: I’m posting this in the Seekers Circle forum because it has special rules that I’m hoping for people to follow.

    I’m not searching for a religion or a community, but this felt to me like the place where I might get the best help.

    For more than 15 years, I’ve been struggling with trying to free myself from hostile feelings towards a few members of my community who have been promoting and defending their beliefs in forums where I’ve been posting. When I’ve had hostile feelings towards other people, I’ve always been able to free myself from those, but not with those members of my community.

    A few times with other people, the only way I’ve found to free myself from hostile feelings was by never trying to discuss anything with them. I’ve never been satisfied with that as a solution to my problem with members of my community, but now I’m considering it.

    I’m not looking for anyone to solve my problem for me. Just thinking that I might get some better ideas from discussing it with some other people.
     
    #1 Jim, Apr 1, 2020
    Last edited: Apr 1, 2020
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  2. Tony Bristow-Stagg

    Tony Bristow-Stagg Immersion in the Ocean of God's Word
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    Sounds like a journey we are all on Jim, each person has to struggle with their own demons. You will never be alone.

    In the end, I see the wisdom is only offering and seeing the good in all people, this is a good journey to take on RF.

    Regards Tony
     
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  3. Jim

    Jim Nets of Wonder

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    Now I see that I’ve been contradicting myself, thinking that some people’s ideology or membership in a religion was telling me something about my possibilities with them.
     
  4. KAT-KAT

    KAT-KAT Well-Known Member

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    I see it the opposite. That you're willing to overlook some of the stumbling blocks and limits of your ideology you share with people of your faith, and instead confront people of said faith that they are "somehow misunderstanding the faith", rather than confront that there are invisible ideology limits like with everything, in your pursuit of peace, harmony, etc. And overlook that some may see you in your faith in the same way you see the same faith in others, and therefore not take your claims of "They are doing harmful things, but I'm against it." seriously.

    Or, maybe I just never truly understood your faith despite trying so hard and wishing so hard to be Baha'i.
     
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  5. Tony Bristow-Stagg

    Tony Bristow-Stagg Immersion in the Ocean of God's Word
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    Tell you the truth Jim, I really have little idea as to what you are trying to do in a lot of your posts, they seem to me, a lot of the time, to try to push a unclear line to provoke a reaction, as such, I just can not work out what you are offering a lot of times?

    I see the possibilities in Faith are only limited by our own perceptions.

    Regards Tony
     
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  6. stvdv

    stvdv Well-Known Member

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    First of all ... very clear intentions in this OP (in the other OP some mentioned that your intentions were not clear)
    Second ... I like this OP. My struggle has been similar I think .... to get rid of "certain mental activity" due to what specific persons do or don't do.
    Third ... Thank you for this OP. I got some good insights, while reading/replying. Good to see, I am not the only one bumping into this "challenge"

    I would also not be satisfied with that solution (try to never discuss anything with them)
    And, like you, I also don't want others to solve my problems ... what's the fun in that?

    Bottom line, transforming my emotions is my homework, nobody can do it for me; so I agree "no need looking for others to solve it for me".
    Seems that this is not an easy one to solve. It took me also ca. 15 years to finally get my insights a bit in line.

    I better check what the "special rules" are in "Seekers Circle", to make sure to "follow them" (as you wrote "I’m hoping for people to follow")
    Anyway, I wish you all the best, solving this tricky problem. Seems you are getting very close
    The biggest step is always to describe the problem perfectly; and you just did that IMO.
     
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  7. Sirona

    Sirona Hindu Wannabe

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    I think it might a useful step first to sort out whether this is (A) a "religious" problem about diverging religious views or (B) a relational problem.
     
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  8. Jim

    Jim Nets of Wonder

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    It’s a relational problem. Partly it’s about how I think their behavior affects what happens to me in Internet discussions. Another part of it has been some delusions about my possibilities with them that have been hard for me to give up. I might be free of those now. Time will tell.
     
  9. Jim

    Jim Nets of Wonder

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    I’m feeling foolish now. I think that I’ve been putting all the blame on those members of my community for something that is not entirely their fault, maybe even not their fault at all.
     
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  10. Jim

    Jim Nets of Wonder

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    I might be mostly free of those feelings now. I realized that I’ve been wrong in blaming them for some things that have been happening to me in Internet discussions. I also faced up to not having any common interests with them from being members of the same faith community. I also remembered an idea I had for freeing myself from hostile feelings in general. It’s to remember that anything I think about anyone could be wrong.
     
  11. Jim

    Jim Nets of Wonder

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    I’m doing much better now. Here’s what helped:
    - I’ve given up trying find common interests with members of my community who post about their beliefs in Internet discussions, in the goals and plans of our community.
    - I’ve stopped responding to people who have associated me with a belief system, in their posts.
    - I remind myself sometimes that anything I think about anyone might be wrong.
     
    #11 Jim, Apr 8, 2020
    Last edited: Apr 8, 2020
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  12. stvdv

    stvdv Well-Known Member

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    For me "hostile feelings" had to do with the fact, that I always kept friendly towards people, even if they were disrespectful. I changed that attitude. Now, I tell them that I don't belittle their feelings/faith, and that I expect the same respect from them. If they keep claiming it's their right to say whatever they want (arrogantly belittling me), I tell them "sure, and it's my right to never talk/listen to you again". Problem solved for good:)

    This alone was enough for me, to "not get irritated" anymore. It all had to do with "my decision to choose which company I allow"
     
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  13. stvdv

    stvdv Well-Known Member

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    IMO:
    The hostile feeling we sometimes feel, can be divided in 2 types:
    1) Anger and hate still in us, because in the past we allowed others (e.g. parents) to be disrespectful and crossing our limits
    2) Anger developing in us right now, because we don't stop disrespectful behavior immediately

    I remember Sai Baba. If you were disrespectful to Him, it took Him a split second to STOP you. I still need to learn to react that fast. IF you stop disrespectful people immediately, no new anger will arise in you.

    The first 1) is very difficult to transform, because it's deep in your cells. Takes a lot of time, and intense sadhana to cure (Indian Masters know a few tricks)
    The second 2) is much easier to control. We just need to learn to STOP the other in a split second
     
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  14. metis

    metis aged ecumenical anthropologist

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    In my experience, sometimes it's best to not get so involved with such people but not to the point of totally ignoring them, with the exception if this "distancing" doesn't work either. IOW, go with the flow, adjusting accordingly.
     
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  15. Jim

    Jim Nets of Wonder

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    I have similar policy. I don’t respond to speculations about my character, capacities, motives or intentions, or anyone else’s.
     
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  16. Jim

    Jim Nets of Wonder

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    If a post contains speculations about my character, capacities, motives or intentions, or anyone else’s, I don’t respond to it at all. No rating, no reply, no mention of it. If a person persists in that, or in associating me with a belief system, I don’t respond any more to any of their posts.
     
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  17. Jim

    Jim Nets of Wonder

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    I’m reconsidering part of that. I won’t respond to speculations about my character and capacities, but sometimes I might correct false premises about my motives, intentions and expectations.
     
  18. Tony Bristow-Stagg

    Tony Bristow-Stagg Immersion in the Ocean of God's Word
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    One of the most amazing creatures popped into mind with this post Jim, do not know why, if it is my sense of humor or what I see in your posts. Either way I see it's outward display can reflect our changing hearts.

    images (1).jpeg

    Regards Tony
     
  19. Dances with Pigeons

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    I suggest just letting it all go. The harder you try, the more resistance you will find yourself up against. If these people were meant to come around, they will do so when they are ready. In the meanwhile, the world is full of many other people with whom it would be more productive to focus your energy on. :)
     
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  20. stvdv

    stvdv Well-Known Member

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    If a person irritates me. I do introspection:

    1) Does he have a point?
    *If yes then I thank him
    *If not then I try to let it go

    2) If still irritated then I ask myself the question:
    ?"Will Jim/others, far away, get irritated by this?"
    !Answer is simple "NO, they even don't know him"
    (This usually does the trick)

    3) If still irritated then I ask myself the question:
    ?"Why getting irritated, losing peace of mind?"
    !Answer "I identify with Ego and emotions"
    ?"Is it smart to lose my peace of mind?"
    !Answer "NO!'. Peace of mind' is 1 goal of life"
    (Emotion must be deep rooted if not solved now)
    ?"Who Am I?"
    (Mostly, I can smile at this point)

    4) BUT If still irritated then I ask myself:
    ?"Is it wise/good to reply now?"
    !If yes then, if I can't oblige, I speak obligingly
    !If not then mentally I thank:
    ! a) him showing me my anger trigger points
    ! b) him giving me this learning opportunity
    ! c) Him + Pray "help me to get rid of this anger"
    ! d) Him + Pray "help me to see Love not anger"
    ! e) Him + Pray "help me to remember this lesson"
     
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