Spanking of Children Why Not?

[Brickjectivity]

As a spanked child I once thought spanking was an important tool, but I am convinced that it may be altogether unnecessary, that there are better methods of discipline. That being said, I want to hear evidences that spanking is unnecessary, and I want to hear methods of replacing it.

Children have tantrums. They disobey. They lie. They steal. They won't go to bed. Children won't clean . What do you do? What are other situations where children might be spanked, and what do you do?

Please no shaming of parents who spank. Children do not come with instructions, and some parents deeply believe spanking is necessary. I only want to talk about the uselessness of spanking, itself. I don't want parents hauled to jail, don't want them fined or anything like that.

 

[Brickjectivity]

Also: children run out into the street and get themselves run over by cars. How do you choose to prevent this?

 

[Curious George]

As a spanked child I once thought spanking was an important tool, but I am convinced that it may be altogether unnecessary, that there are better methods of discipline. That being said, I want to hear evidences that spanking is unnecessary, and I want to hear methods of replacing it.

Children have tantrums. They disobey. They lie. They steal. They won't go to bed. Children won't clean . What do you do? What are other situations where children might be spanked, and what do you do?

Please no shaming of parents who spank. Children do not come with instructions, and some parents deeply believe spanking is necessary. I only want to talk about the uselessness of spanking, itself. I don't want parents hauled to jail, don't want them fined or anything like that.

Alternatives include setting and maintaining consistent expectations. Offering choices. Transitioning. Redirection. Highlighting natural consequences. Having a strong respect based relationship. The list getslonger and some suggestions are based on individual situations and individual people.

Spanking is simply not necessary. While there are plenty of studies regarding the efficacy of spanking (or more appropriately the lack of efficacy), the question is even simpler. Should we hit a child when it is unnecessary to do so?

 

[Nakosis]

As a spanked child I once thought spanking was an important tool, but I am convinced that it may be altogether unnecessary, that there are better methods of discipline. That being said, I want to hear evidences that spanking is unnecessary, and I want to hear methods of replacing it.

Children have tantrums. They disobey. They lie. They steal. They won't go to bed. Children won't clean . What do you do? What are other situations where children might be spanked, and what do you do?

Please no shaming of parents who spank. Children do not come with instructions, and some parents deeply believe spanking is necessary. I only want to talk about the uselessness of spanking, itself. I don't want parents hauled to jail, don't want them fined or anything like that.

Never found spanking necessary.

 

[Curious George]

Also: children run out into the street and get themselves run over by cars. How do you choose to prevent this?

By physically stopping them if necessary. Talking to them about safety. Being, or having a responsible adult, nearby if they are young enough to not understand safety concerns.

 

[Bob the Unbeliever]

I volunteered for quite a long time, with a local Child Abuse Prevention agency. It was one of those "semi-government" agencies, in that it was not an official state thing, but received support from the state, by often being refereed to, by local Family Court judges to try to help parents, instead of just slamming them with fines, etc.

In that program, we attempted to teach methods of child-rearing that strictly avoided beating on a kid. A variety of reasons why, but principally, it sends a message to the kid (unintentionally) that violence is a valid response to being angry, or rule-breaking.

So we taught Time Out, Constructive Ignoring, Taking Away Favorite Activities, etc.

We also taught positive attention (for desired behavior), and Behavior Has Consequences: one of the more powerful lessons, was teaching your kid how to behave in public. Use their favorite food place. Explain the Rules (what is expected of the child, etc). Explain the consequences (favorite food will be tossed into the bin, and they miss a favorite meal). Amazingly, this always worked according to reports back-- at most? Two meals were skipped. We advised the parents to just buy a coke or a pack of fries-- as part of the Consequences, is everyone's meal gets binned, no exceptions. Oh, and you immediately leave for home, of course. And snacks are withheld, etc.

Kids, once they are old enough to speak reasonably well? Are not generally stupid. They simply lack experience-- but nothing is wrong with their brain's ability to problem solve--indeed, it is rapidly approaching it's peak in that skill.

So you use reason with the kidlet, and you explain Action--> Reaction.

And illustrate that behavior has consequences.

As for keeping a kidlet from playing in traffic? Well... a good beginning, is Strong Fences Make For Safer Children.

But even then? Never underestimate a child's ability to problem solve the issue of confinement: you still gotta watch out for them until they develop a finely honed sense of self-survival.

The self-survival is there, but an understanding that things can kill you? Isn't. Not yet... so sometimes, ya gotta run across the yard, and grab kidlet in a bear hug, to keep'em from ... danger.

With practice, you can do this without hurting the kid.... ask me how I know...

I just wish my parents had been taught some of these valuable tools, when I was a little brat myself.

 

[columbus]

It depends on what you mean by spanking.
A swat on the butt to punctuate some advice is one thing. Especially when children are too young to completely grasp the advice verbally.

Beating a child is something else entirely. My partner, Doug, was beaten so badly his jaw had three fractures. He only found out about this as an adult getting x-rays for an injury.

But now, he is really good at minding children and making them mind. "Papaw Doug doesn't want you to do that because bad things could happen to you. Papaw Doug loves you. Do you love Papaw Doug enough to stop that?"

He's really great with kids.
Tom

 

[Jainarayan]

My father was a stern Sicilian son of immigrants (he was also at times son of something else, but I digress). I occasionally got my butt warmed, and a whack across the chops, but they were not undeserved. My mother, whose parents came over "on the boat" had fast hands too. I'm none the worse for wear for it. Sometimes a kid needs a butt-warming, if for no other reason than to get his or her attention. I don't think "you're on time-out" or "there'll be consequences" gets the job done. Now, I don't mean repeated wailing on the kid's butt, but just one good whack to get their attention that you're not playing. Belts and paddles are definitely out of the question. Wooden or metal cooking spoons have been used liberally in my family, which as adults we joke about, having had many a cooking spoon broken or bent on our butts.

 

[Jainarayan]

A swat on the butt to punctuate some advice is one thing. Especially when children are too young to completely grasp the advice verbally.

Beating a child is something else entirely.

This.

 

[Sunstone]

I used to babysit for two kids -- a boy and a girl -- who had never, not once in their lives, been spanked. Both have become decent, good adults. Imagine that.

 

[Bob the Unbeliever]

It depends on what you mean by spanking.
A swat on the butt to punctuate some advice is one thing. Especially when children are too young to completely grasp the advice verbally..

If a kidlet is too young to understand speech? How is doing him violence any better? He learns that anytime he's having a problem, he gets violence as an answer.... !

Beating a child is something else entirely. My partner, Doug, was beaten so badly his jaw had three fractures. He only found out about this as an adult getting x-rays for an injury..

That is literally heart-wrenching. But sadly, I saw that time and time again-- and it goes from generation to generation, being passed down by example to the next child...

But now, he is really good at minding children and making them mind. "Papaw Doug doesn't want you to do that because bad things could happen to you. Papaw Doug loves you. Do you love Papaw Doug enough to stop that?"

He's really great with kids.
Tom

And the cycle of abuse continues to the next generation unabated...

What the child actually hears:
"I love you, but I gotta smack you upside the face until you learn how much I "love" you, ya punk"

 

[Jainarayan]

If a kidlet is too young to understand speech? How is doing him violence any better? He learns that anytime he's having a problem, he gets violence as an answer.... !
...
And the cycle of abuse continues to the next generation unabated...

I think that's more than a little melodramatic.

 

[Nakosis]

Also: children run out into the street and get themselves run over by cars. How do you choose to prevent this?

Stand between them and the street. Constantly tell them they are not allow to go out into the street without an adult. I don't let them play near a street or be unsupervised near a street.

 

[columbus]

And the cycle of abuse continues to the next generation unabated...

Where, exactly, did you see this?
Tom

 

[Bob the Unbeliever]

I think that's more than a little melodramatic.

Not at all-- it's based on observation of the cycle of abuse. Which is based on thousands of examples.

 

[Bob the Unbeliever]

Where, exactly, did you see this?
Tom

In your comments: Dire threats or else Daddy won't "love" you anymore.

That's the message I got from what you wrote.

 

[Polymath257]

My ex and I had a policy not to spank. We used time-outs, redirection, consequences, etc. There was *one* time when our daughter kept trying to go out into the street in spite of our repeated warnings not to. We did *one* light smack on the backside. The point got across immediately that we were serious. It was more surprise that we would do this than anything else, I am sure. At no other point was any type of spanking required.

 

[columbus]

In your comments: Dire threats or else Daddy won't "love" you anymore.

That's the message I got from what you wrote.

Well, you're completely wrong about that.
Papaw Doug is grandparent. He loves the kids and takes care of them and they know it. He appeals to his own authority and the kids mind.
Usually.
When they don't, he gets their parents to enforce the rules. But that's rare.
Tom

 

[Jainarayan]

Not at all-- it's based on observation of the cycle of abuse. Which is based on thousands of examples.

We're not talking about abuse. An ***-warming is hardly abuse, at least where I come from. And yes, anything can be done to excess but corporal punishment is not intrinsically evil.

Research on Disciplinary Spanking is Misleading

What Science Says--and Doesn't--about Spanking

Meet The Scientists Who Haven't Given Up On Spanking

 

[Twilight Hue]

If not spanking as a life lesson in consequence, what changed with kids of yesteryear and kids of today?