Hey all. I need some help figuring out who I am these days. I grew up believing in G-d and Jesus without really knowing anything about them. I grew up (I say grew up because its where I spent the vast majority of my childhood) in a violent alchohol/drug infested mess until one day I got a reprieve and was sent to live with my aunt and uncle for awhile, who were both devout non-denominational christians. Eventually I got 'saved' etc etc and lived that life for about a year, until I chose to go back to my mother, which didn't last long, I joined the army when I turned 16-17 I actually forget. I had to have my mother sign a permission form for me to join because I was too young.
Anyway, the next decade or so was a constant struggle between 'serving G-d' and backsliding according to christianity, I mean back and forth... it was exhausting. I ended up doing time and getting court-marshaled from the military for numerous counts of assault and other things like breaking restriction. No drugs, or theft nothing like that, although they did try and set me up for those things...
Came home and got back on the serving G-d train with my christian friends, but we were still young and stupid and the whole cycle of serving, backsliding continued.
Eventually I got a girl pregnant out of wedlock and as bad as that is in the eye of christianity, it probably saved my life. She eventually left me on account of the violent lifestyle I continued to live. I was fighting all of the time going to jail going to the hospital etc, if somebody looked at me funny they were going to get hurt, anyway, so she left. Through this mess we finally reconciled things and got back together and married, I had to stop drinking and get anger management classes etc, I did. 16 years later we are still married with 3 children now but still no idea of who I am spiritually. My wife comes from a 7th day adventist background but she was never heavily involved in it, she believes, but doesn't know what she believes if you get my drift.
During the course of our marriage Ive tried to be involved in a couple of different christian churches but I could just never get rooted in. I have a desire to learn about G-d but its like trying to fit a square peg into a round hole with me. My search continued and I discovered something called messianic judaism and I thought hey this is it!!! But it wasn't. Something just wasn't right with any of it. Finally I started reading what this one guy was saying about Paul. How nothing he said and did lined up with Jesus/G-d, and that registered with me. Even before reading these things concerning Paul, when I was a kid with my aunt and uncle the things this Paul character was saying and doing just looked off in comparison to Jesus and the supposed OT text.
It was like a huge burden being lifted off of me. So I studied more into that area and am confident that at best Paul is a liar and a conman, but likely worse. Regardless, his words are of no concern to me.
After researching that matter for a couple of years I started looking into Judaism and possible conversion, however at that time as I understood it one had to openly denounce Jesus and I had no intentions of doing that and it seemed a bizzarre requirement. They also adhere to the talmud as much as the Tanach and thats a ridiculous piece of work which is obviously uninspired. So I crossed that option off my list.
More recently I heard of Karaite Judaism. Now it's appealing to me in that they pay no heed to the rabbis nor the talmud but live only by the Tanach. However after reading their description and faq one line ask if they believe in Jesus. The answer was a plain No.
They didn't disparage on him and run his name in the dirt nor make it a requirement to denounce him in order to convert. Does anyone here know more of the Karaites?
Anyway my life has been this way. I suppose my faith is in the abrahamic field of faiths, but I dont know where (no its not Islam). Christianity doesnt want me because I believe their founder to be a fraud, that being Paul. Judaism doesnt want me because I belive equating mans word with G-ds is absurd, and they literally hate Jesus, still. Which is bizarre. Messianic judaism is basically the same as christianity except with some Jewish flavor, they still cling to Paul, and I have no use at all for his teachings.
So I honestly don't know who I am and find myself completely alone. Its taken a toll on me. My faith has dwindled to the point where all I know for sure is that I believe in the G-d of Abraham, Isaac, and Jacob and that I believe Jesus is his annointed one. Thats it. I dont know where to go anymore. Its been decades on this roller coaster. G-d never sent anyone to help me figure it out and Ive never found anyone.
At one point I said screw it all and tried to end my life. I drank a fifth of jack and took a bunch of methadone that I stole from my mother. I thought it would do it but I woke up the next morning with nothing but a massive stomache ache and a weeklong hangover. I hadnt drank anything other than an occasional beer for over 15yrs.
Dunno why I shared that last part, I guess because nobody knows what state of mind this journey has landed me in
Anyway, I'm still seeking. If anyone has any thoughts from their experiences etc, I'd love to hear them. Maybe this should be in the Abrahamic section, I don't know...
Anyway, the next decade or so was a constant struggle between 'serving G-d' and backsliding according to christianity, I mean back and forth... it was exhausting. I ended up doing time and getting court-marshaled from the military for numerous counts of assault and other things like breaking restriction. No drugs, or theft nothing like that, although they did try and set me up for those things...
Came home and got back on the serving G-d train with my christian friends, but we were still young and stupid and the whole cycle of serving, backsliding continued.
Eventually I got a girl pregnant out of wedlock and as bad as that is in the eye of christianity, it probably saved my life. She eventually left me on account of the violent lifestyle I continued to live. I was fighting all of the time going to jail going to the hospital etc, if somebody looked at me funny they were going to get hurt, anyway, so she left. Through this mess we finally reconciled things and got back together and married, I had to stop drinking and get anger management classes etc, I did. 16 years later we are still married with 3 children now but still no idea of who I am spiritually. My wife comes from a 7th day adventist background but she was never heavily involved in it, she believes, but doesn't know what she believes if you get my drift.
During the course of our marriage Ive tried to be involved in a couple of different christian churches but I could just never get rooted in. I have a desire to learn about G-d but its like trying to fit a square peg into a round hole with me. My search continued and I discovered something called messianic judaism and I thought hey this is it!!! But it wasn't. Something just wasn't right with any of it. Finally I started reading what this one guy was saying about Paul. How nothing he said and did lined up with Jesus/G-d, and that registered with me. Even before reading these things concerning Paul, when I was a kid with my aunt and uncle the things this Paul character was saying and doing just looked off in comparison to Jesus and the supposed OT text.
It was like a huge burden being lifted off of me. So I studied more into that area and am confident that at best Paul is a liar and a conman, but likely worse. Regardless, his words are of no concern to me.
After researching that matter for a couple of years I started looking into Judaism and possible conversion, however at that time as I understood it one had to openly denounce Jesus and I had no intentions of doing that and it seemed a bizzarre requirement. They also adhere to the talmud as much as the Tanach and thats a ridiculous piece of work which is obviously uninspired. So I crossed that option off my list.
More recently I heard of Karaite Judaism. Now it's appealing to me in that they pay no heed to the rabbis nor the talmud but live only by the Tanach. However after reading their description and faq one line ask if they believe in Jesus. The answer was a plain No.
They didn't disparage on him and run his name in the dirt nor make it a requirement to denounce him in order to convert. Does anyone here know more of the Karaites?
Anyway my life has been this way. I suppose my faith is in the abrahamic field of faiths, but I dont know where (no its not Islam). Christianity doesnt want me because I believe their founder to be a fraud, that being Paul. Judaism doesnt want me because I belive equating mans word with G-ds is absurd, and they literally hate Jesus, still. Which is bizarre. Messianic judaism is basically the same as christianity except with some Jewish flavor, they still cling to Paul, and I have no use at all for his teachings.
So I honestly don't know who I am and find myself completely alone. Its taken a toll on me. My faith has dwindled to the point where all I know for sure is that I believe in the G-d of Abraham, Isaac, and Jacob and that I believe Jesus is his annointed one. Thats it. I dont know where to go anymore. Its been decades on this roller coaster. G-d never sent anyone to help me figure it out and Ive never found anyone.
At one point I said screw it all and tried to end my life. I drank a fifth of jack and took a bunch of methadone that I stole from my mother. I thought it would do it but I woke up the next morning with nothing but a massive stomache ache and a weeklong hangover. I hadnt drank anything other than an occasional beer for over 15yrs.
Dunno why I shared that last part, I guess because nobody knows what state of mind this journey has landed me in
Anyway, I'm still seeking. If anyone has any thoughts from their experiences etc, I'd love to hear them. Maybe this should be in the Abrahamic section, I don't know...
Welcome.
