Trailblazer
Veteran Member
Why would that only apply to ministers? Why wouldn't celibacy be good for anyone who wants to dedicate themselves more freely to the service of God and their neighbor?
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- Thread starter Riders
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Kathryn
It was on fire when I laid down on it.
It's fine for anyone as far as I know. I'll put it this way - I've never been asked to get married or whatever and I am 61 and single. I mean, I WAS married but have been single now for years. No one has said a thing to me one way or the other about marriage.
Trailblazer
Veteran Member
I was married for 37 years but I have been widowed since last year. At first, I felt a need to get married again but now I am not so sure. I have no idea what I want to do anymore, and it seems hopeless that I will ever find a man, but if I met the right man I would probably want to get married, not for sex, but for companionship. If that happened I would consider it a miracle from God, and fate.
Kathryn
It was on fire when I laid down on it.
I am so, so sorry for your loss. I really am. I have been single since being widowed 2.5 years ago. I've rebuilt my life now and feel comfortable being single but I am not ready at all to remarry - may never be and that's OK. It's such a hassle!
It would definitely be a miracle from God for me to find someone, and I've dated several people but uhhhhh, nope. Anyway, enough about me - LOL.
It would definitely be a miracle from God for me to find someone, and I've dated several people but uhhhhh, nope. Anyway, enough about me - LOL.
Trailblazer
Veteran Member
It is nice to meet another widow and get another perspective, although I am sorry for your loss.
I have only been a widow for 7 months so I am far from rebuilding my life. My life was not good before I was widowed so I am starting from scratch trying to build a life all by myself. I am comfortable enough living alone because I have 8 cats to keep me company, but it is difficult to take care of this big house and property all alone. My late husband never did anything around here so it is no different now with me doing everything. I guess I just hoped that my knight in shining armor would come along and help me with the house, but I am not looking for a romance, so that is a tall order.
I am starting to see it differently as time goes on and I realize I would not want to be married and have a man living here unless I was really in love with him and we were really compatible, but after being on five dating sites, I am starting to realize that is a fantasy! It would definitely be a miracle from God for me to find someone or for him to find me.
Kathryn
It was on fire when I laid down on it.
You don't want someone just to help you out with the property, that's for sure. You'll have a freeloader on your hands. Plus the monogamy, which is important to me. The dating sites are full of scammers and weirdos by the way.
And you ARE already rebuilding your life. But maybe instead of focusing your energy on finding someone, you could move to a smaller property? I did that and it was FANTASTIC and the best thing I ever did. It's still not small enough though - I want to downsize again in a couple of years to a zero lot line sort of place around 1800 square feet.
Riders
Well-Known Member
I have one cat Cali. She was my mother cat when she was alive. Being single I would die if I didn't have Cali. Thank GOD FOR OUR PETS.
Kathryn
It was on fire when I laid down on it.
Amen to that about pets. I have a very old dog (she's fifteen) and two young cats a bit less than a year old. I adore them all!
OK so I recently dated someone for about a week. I broke things off with him and actually drove out to his house to do it in person. I mean, it wasn't like we were serious or anything but better sooner than later, right? So I clearly recall getting home and putting on my jammies and watching what I wanted to watch on TV, surrounded by my pets, and I thought to myself "Wow, this is GREAT." Because it is.
OK so I recently dated someone for about a week. I broke things off with him and actually drove out to his house to do it in person. I mean, it wasn't like we were serious or anything but better sooner than later, right? So I clearly recall getting home and putting on my jammies and watching what I wanted to watch on TV, surrounded by my pets, and I thought to myself "Wow, this is GREAT." Because it is.
Trailblazer
Veteran Member
Yes, I thank God for the cats and all the other critters outdoors, birds, squirrels, raccoons, and the occasional possum, although I could do without the creatures in my garage and attic!
Trailblazer
Veteran Member
No, I don't just want help with the property, as I could hire a man to help with that. If I got married again I would have to be in love, and he would have to be my best friend. If he was a handyman and a landscaper that would be a bonus.
However it is more important to me that we are emotionally connected and share the same values and similar spiritual beliefs, although he would not have to be of my religion. We would also have to want a similar lifestyle, living in the country with many cats.Don't I know it! I have posted several thread about my escapades, including the con men I met on dating sites. I finally had to drop out of one dating site and I got a refund because there ere so many scammers. There is another site I still use but it is about 50-50 scammers to real men.
These con men are the main reason I have gotten so discouraged about finding a real man, because you can't tell the difference on a dating site. Even one man who was verified by the site turned out to be a scammer. Now that I know the warning signs it does not take long before I figure out what they are up to, and then I tell them I know. They are such fools to think they are going to fool me with their endless stories. They are always widowers and they are always looking for what they think a widow would ant, blah, blah, blah. The first man who tried this had me fooled for over two months even after he asked for money, but I never gave him any money so all I lost was my time.
There was also a man I met and we talked on the phone for many hours. I knew he was not a con man because I verified his identity, but he was a weirdo. I knew he was weird because he had been living in his vehicle on public land for 20 years because he thinks his MCS precludes him from living anywhere near a city, but I thought he was sincere so I followed along for a long time. But then he lowered the boom when he said he could not live with cats.
All along I knew he did not like the idea that I have cats but he finally got ugly about it and called them monsters. He thinks that nobody should ever have pets, that a married couple should only have each other. He also didn't like the fact that because I am a Baha'i I will not have sex out of wedlock, so he trashed my religion. That was after he had pretended to be open to my beliefs. The man is a psych case. He also posted a photo on the dating site from 2009, and I only found that out much later.
I have not started any rebuilding yet and the foundation is basically the same as it was before. I was focusing on finding a man but I have shifted my focus. After all that has happened, as noted above, I decided that maybe God was trying to tell me something.
But besides that I realize that I don't need a man right now or maybe I don't need one at all. If the right man comes along I might pursue a relationship but I am going to be very careful.It is recommended not to make any changes such as moving for at least a year after being widowed and that makes sense, since a woman could make a mistake based upon grief and other emotions. One has to really think before they downsize, think about why they are downsizing and where they are going to live.
The primary reason I keep the big house is because I have no children to take care of me i old age, so in the future I might need a caregiver. Right now, half the house is not used at all, so that area could be made into a two bedroom apartment for a caregiver. I don't clean it or do anything with it so it is just extra space, and I have most of the heating vents closed down there. I have let all the acre outdoors grow wild, so I don't do yard work. I am completely isolated so nobody sees it except the animals. It is more the thought of having so much to maintain that bothers me than the doing it. If need be, I could hire a man to do landscaping and I could hire a house-cleaner since money is no problem.
It makes sense to wait a little longer before giving up on finding a man, and if I found the right man then I would have someone to help me here. I am the eternal optimist.
Trailblazer
Veteran Member
You have gotten much further than me.
I have only me one man on a dating site in person. We met at a local park and walked around, but it was a wash. I did not know anything about him when I agreed to meet him, I will never do that again. He was a nice man but we had nothing in common and he did not look anything like his photo.I have met a couple of men who I communicated with on e-mail and I have talked on the phone to quite a few men and texted some men, but all the men I texted were scammers.
Yeah, I know what you mean about the TV and the cats. I am still sleeping on the couch because I cannot sleep in the bedroom, but I have a 50 inch plasma TV to watch and oodles of cats to keep me company.
It is probably good that I had some bad experiences with men from the dating sites, since it gave me a chance to think more carefully about what I want, and what I don't want, and I can afford to be picky since I don't need a man for anything but companionship. Unfortunately a man usually wants more than that and I don't know if I will want what he wants, so it would not be fair to him to lead him to thinking I am going to give him what he wants.
Riders
Well-Known Member
No, I don't just want help with the property, as I could hire a man to help with that. If I got married again I would have to be in love, and he would have to be my best friend. If he was a handyman and a landscaper that would be a bonus.
Don't I know it! I have posted several thread about my escapades, including the con men I met on dating sites. I finally had to drop out of one dating site and I got a refund because there ere so many scammers. There is another site I still use but it is about 50-50 scammers to real men.
These con men are the main reason I have gotten so discouraged about finding a real man, because you can't tell the difference on a dating site. Even one man who was verified by the site turned out to be a scammer. Now that I know the warning signs it does not take long before I figure out what they are up to, and then I tell them I know. They are such fools to think they are going to fool me with their endless stories. They are always widowers and they are always looking for what they think a widow would ant, blah, blah, blah. The first man who tried this had me fooled for over two months even after he asked for money, but I never gave him any money so all I lost was my time.
There was also a man I met and we talked on the phone for many hours. I knew he was not a con man because I verified his identity, but he was a weirdo. I knew he was weird because he had been living in his vehicle on public land for 20 years because he thinks his MCS precludes him from living anywhere near a city, but I thought he was sincere so I followed along for a long time. But then he lowered the boom when he said he could not live with cats.
All along I knew he did not like the idea that I have cats but he finally got ugly about it and called them monsters. He thinks that nobody should ever have pets, that a married couple should only have each other. He also didn't like the fact that because I am a Baha'i I will not have sex out of wedlock, so he trashed my religion. That was after he had pretended to be open to my beliefs. The man is a psych case. He also posted a photo on the dating site from 2009, and I only found that out much later.
I have not started any rebuilding yet and the foundation is basically the same as it was before. I was focusing on finding a man but I have shifted my focus. After all that has happened, as noted above, I decided that maybe God was trying to tell me something.
It is recommended not to make any changes such as moving for at least a year after being widowed and that makes sense, since a woman could make a mistake based upon grief and other emotions. One has to really think before they downsize, think about why they are downsizing and where they are going to live.
The primary reason I keep the big house is because I have no children to take care of me i old age, so in the future I might need a caregiver. Right now, half the house is not used at all, so that area could be made into a two bedroom apartment for a caregiver. I don't clean it or do anything with it so it is just extra space, and I have most of the heating vents closed down there. I have let all the acre outdoors grow wild, so I don't do yard work. I am completely isolated so nobody sees it except the animals. It is more the thought of having so much to maintain that bothers me than the doing it. If need be, I could hire a man to do landscaping and I could hire a house-cleaner since money is no problem.
It makes sense to wait a little longer before giving up on finding a man, and if I found the right man then I would have someone to help me here. I am the eternal optimist.
There was also a man I met and we talked on the phone for many hours. I knew he was not a con man because I verified his identity, but he was a weirdo. I knew he was weird because he had been living in his vehicle on public land for 20 years because he thinks his MCS precludes him from living anywhere near a city, but I thought he was sincere so I followed along for a long time. But then he lowered the boom when he said he could not live with cats.
All along I knew he did not like the idea that I have cats but he finally got ugly about it and called them monsters. He thinks that nobody should ever have pets, that a married couple should only have each other. He also didn't like the fact that because I am a Baha'i I will not have sex out of wedlock, so he trashed my religion. That was after he had pretended to be open to my beliefs. The man is a psych case. He also posted a photo on the dating site from 2009, and I only found that out much later
You would be surprised at how man Married men trying to talk me into an affair or kinksters who wanted to abuse me etc I have talked to. It scares me.
Trailblazer
Veteran Member
Nothing would surprise me anymore, not after what I have seen....
While I was married a man I knew from college long before I got married tried to get me to go camping with him. When that didn't work, he asked me to go hot-tubbing with him. This happened about five years after I got married but this man had been married much longer than me, for about 20 years. His father was a Methodist minister.
There is no end to what some men will do for sex.
Truthseeker
Non-debating member when I can help myself
How about loving him rather than being '"in love" with him? A slip of the tongue?
Being in Love Is Emotionally Charged
If you’re wondering what it means to be in love, one key distinction has to do with your emotions. Specifically, when you’re in love with someone, you feel a strong, almost inexplicable desire for that person. "The excitement and wonder of early love, of mutual discovery, of delighting in fantasies, and anticipating sharing so much in the years ahead is a memorable phase in a couple’s life together," says McCoy. In fact, being "in love" often means yearning for someone: You think about them constantly, and you crave spending time with them when you're apart.
Loving Someone Isn’t Based on a Whirlwind of Emotions
Mature love grows out of a developing attachment. Whether the person you love is a partner, friend, parent, or child, your strong feelings stem from a deep-rooted attachment rather than heightened passion or infatuation. "After the fantasies and illusions begin to fall away, it’s possible that what comes into focus is something much better: a realistic, sustainable love," McCoy says.
This is all defined by psychologists, but even this inadequate. The ideal is attaction to person's good qualities of character. However, as we are human, it is not realistic that it wil be purely that for us. Loving is wanting the best for a person, being "in love" means being attached to that person, longing to be with that person. I don't think I personally have purely wanted only what is best for that person without the corresponding wanting to be with that person. Is wanting to be with a person bad though? Not really, if that person is good for your own development as a person.
Trailblazer
Veteran Member
I meant loving him. I did not mean being in love as happened with Lewis. I was much younger then and I knew nothing about relationships. However, I don't remember feeling a strong, almost inexplicable desire for Lewis, what I remember was an emotional connection based upon mutually understanding of shared experiences. There was also a sexual attraction but that's normal for a person in their early 30s.
I agree that mature love grows out of a developing attachment, and strong feelings stem from a deep-rooted attachment rather than heightened passion or infatuation. However I don't think one has to wait for that deep-rooted attachment to form in order to get married. What is important is that you know their character and you want what is best for the person. How long is necessary to wait before getting married is variable and it depends upon both people and the readiness of each person. I was in a big hurry to get married last year but I am no longer in a hurry at all. I am not ever sure I want to get married.
Last night a new man sent me a message on a dating site and asked me if we could just be friends. I thought he probably asked that since I had on my profile that I was only seeking marriage. He called me today and he told me he could only be friends because he is talking to another woman, and he met her before me, so it was only right that he continues with her. How serious he is about this woman I don't know and I did not want to pry.
I liked everything he said in his profile about his spirituality and interests and attitude about relationships and I liked his photo, and the fact that he is six years younger than me. He is not Caucasian, he is Spanish and Native American, which I am strongly attracted to. When he called me I knew I liked him right away. He spoke with perfect English. He is so different from Mike who never knew how to talk and communicate. He is open, honest, caring and respectful, educated, well traveled, speaks English and Spanish fluently. He has an MA in Counseling just like I do. He also likes cats and he has had Maine Coon cats so he knows how hard it is to maintain long-haired cats. What a coincidence!
Of course he could have skeletons in his closet, but don't we all. So far I feel he is my dream man so I am happy to just be friends and see where it might lead. He used to live in the city where I live a few years ago but now he lives in Seattle, only 60 miles north of me. I will be happy if it is only a new friendship, but if God wills it could develop into something else. After all that has happened to me with men on dating sites I am not going to get my hopes up, I am going to be detached about it.
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Riders
Well-Known Member
FYI on single women being accepted at church: It is a lot different for women who go to strict old-timey churches that require dress codes for women.
I think in some ways many women at my old church never accepted me and I was not as much a part of their crowd as I tried to tell myself I was. Simply put they wanted their women to get married and I never got married. That put a sour taste in their mouths for me.
I think in some ways many women at my old church never accepted me and I was not as much a part of their crowd as I tried to tell myself I was. Simply put they wanted their women to get married and I never got married. That put a sour taste in their mouths for me.
Truthseeker
Non-debating member when I can help myself
I don't feel it is a competition between his friendship and mine, I assure you. I love Native Americans myself. I hope this man will be a good influence on you.
Trailblazer
Veteran Member
I forgot to tell you that this man is familiar with the Baha'i Faith and has attended Baha'i activities. He is familiar with many religions and has looked into them. He believes they all contain truths, but he is not religious, he has a personal spiritual path.
I was more optimistic yesterday but today I don't feel very optimistic. I think I was too talkative on the phone and rambled more than I should have, probably my anxiety. Anyhow, I cannot undo what I did so I can only hope he calls me again. I am hoping the friendship could lead to more, I hope you can understand.
I am visible on several dating sites but I am not looking for men anymore. If they contact me and I like them I will respond to them, that is what happened with this man. I was not looking for anyone, he contacted me. I do not feel comfortable initiating contact with men, as I never did that in my life. I was not looking for a man when I got married before, he came after me. That is what I am comfortable with. Maybe it reduces my chances of ever finding a man but I really don't care anymore. If it is meant to be they will see me and like me and contact me. If not then I will remain alone. Of course, there is a chance I could meet a man in person but the chance of that is slim to none, since I don't go anywhere where I would meet a man.
Truthseeker
Non-debating member when I can help myself
That is always a potential problem, that as he gets to know you, he doesn't accept you as you are. I hesitate to make a suggestion, but you could call him rather waiting for him to call you. If you have his phone number that is. I can't tell you how you could possibly fix this situation if it does indeed need to be fixed when you get on the phone. You know what happened in that phone call, I don't. Another thing, I have anxiety myself, but it is less than in the past, or at least it seems that way. What I have learned that it is usually not as bad as you fear.
Trailblazer
Veteran Member
Of course is always a potential problem that as he gets to know me, he won't accept me as I am, this is IF he ever gets to know me. There is no guarantee he will ever call back and I am not going to call him. Before he hung up I said he could text me on my cell but he didn't want to do that and he said he would call me on my land line. So the ball is in his court now and I am trying to be detached about it. It is possible he is thinking about the other woman and comparing her to me, now that we talked on the phone. He is not married to her so anything can happen. If it is the Will of God it will work out and if not it won't. That is how I think of it.
I had to tell him about all the con men but I should not have gone on and on till he asked me to change the subject... On the other hand, if he is a con man now I am covered. Who knows? Better safe now than sorry later.
Yes, I am probably making more out of this than it is because of my anxiety. Thanks for pointing that out.
I do not expect him to accept me as I am and if he doesn't then we are not meant to be together, and of course I would have to accept him as he is. Certain things we can change but at our ages we are not going to change our personalities. Our values are not going to change either. Our lifestyles might be amenable to change, but I cannot see mine changing a lot as long as I have the cats. My house can always be cleaned and organized, but it would take two people. Right now I am alone so I have no motivation to do anything but the basic day to day chores.
Today I got a big envelope in the mail from Mike with a photo album of him and his vehicle in the desert and a song written out in longhand. I kind of feel sorry for him, but as my mother used to say, he made his bed so now he has to lie in it. Both Mike and William were a good lesson for me. It's hard to believe I was that desperate, but I am not desperate anymore.
Even if Mike did accept the cats I would never want to be with him because he has so many psychological problems, and he was not honest with me, and he is selfish. Lewis had psychological problems but nothing as bad as Mike. Lewis was depressed and anxious but his mind was intact. Mike is happy, not depressed or anxious, but he is delusional. It's sad really, but I am glad I dodged the bullet, and I thank God I did not waste any more time.
The photos Mike sent do not look like his photo on the dating site, but why would they? That photo was from 2009! This is the problem with dating sites and not meeting people in person and that is why I am glad that the new man lives in Seattle. If this ever goes anywhere that is a stone's throw from where I live.