Self harm & suicide - Help and healing.

[darkpenguin]

I have been debating with myself all weekend while I was away at my mums house as to whether I should start a thread on this subject and have decided go for it.

I'm really not sure how to start this thread so I thought it might be best if I started by telling my own story and went from there.

(Note: This is not an attempt to get any sympathy for what I have been through and done. This thread is aimed at helping people who feel they may have nobody they can talk to).

I have always been a happy, bubbly and outgoing person, but when I turned 18 I found Out that I could get myself into debt very easily and I did.
At the time of getting credit with my bank and various stores I thought I could handle it (young people know best after all).
Then I applied to college and still thought I could handle that aswell as a full time job to pay off my bills and going out with my friends.
I ended up moving with my mum and quickly found that everything was falling apart.
I could no longer see my friends as I lived too far away, I couldn't go to college and juggle a job at the same time and all of this quickly ammounted to me not being able to pay my bills.
So I was 18 with no social life, no career prospects and a job that wasn't ever going to go anywhere.
I started to drink large amounts of vodka on my own and then I found self harm.
At first I thought it was ok, I thought that it was helping and I thought that nobody would notice.
As I recall I think it was my sister who noticed and told my mum, at the time I was miffed with her but now I am glad.
All it took in the end was for me to talk to her and explain what was going on in my life and how I thought everything sucked.
She helped me talk to my creditors and find a new job and for a while everything was fine. Then I moved out into a place of my own and found that although my life was going ok at the time, I started visiting that dark place again. It was an addiction.
I told my mum and a close friend of mine and they kept an eye on me.
Then my mum found out that there are alternative methods of dealing with the addiction. I found that holding onto cold ice was a method that would not harm me and was not appealing but it worked.
6 years on and I still carry the scars of what I did with me but I do not cover them up, If anyone has the time to ask me about them instead of judging me then I have the time to tell them exactly what happened and why. Yes I sometimes feel silly about what I did but I never feel ashamed.

I thought a thread like this might help people, I'm really not sure anybody on here needs helping but if there are then they should know that there are people here that care and will listen and try to help.

If for whatever reason you need help then please don't hesitate to ask, If it is personal then feel free to send me or anybody else who wants to help a private message.

 

[jacquie4000]

Thanks for sharing. It is very important that people open up when they are in times of need. I think for many they are afraid to open up or do not even now how. It is great that you are willing to share your story in hopes that inturn you can help someone else. Great job on getting back on track too.

 

[darkpenguin]

Thanks for sharing. It is very important the people open up when they are in times of need. I think for many they are afraid to open up or do not even now how. It is great that you are willing to share your story in hopes that inturn you can help someone else. Great job on getting back on track too.

Thanks for your words of support. I think I was inspired by a thread that ozzie started last week and that everytime I see my scars I am reminded that there are others out there like myself who need help and support.
I remember that I received alot of help from various rooms on the old msn chat and since then I have attempted to help others whenever I can.
I thought that it would have been a useless thread if I hadn't told my own story first.
Thanks again

 

[standing_alone]

What an often neglected (and misunderstood) topic to start a thread on. I'm glad you started a thread on it.

I used to self-injure, too. It started in sixth grade or seventh grade for me (about when I was twelve). I got made fun of and ridiculed a lot by my peers and my mom wasn't happy with how I was turning out (like the way I dress, some of my interestes and tastes, that I was gaining weight, etc - all superficial crap, I suppose). I had no friends and no one to go to. I don't know how I originally discovered self-injury, but it was sometime after the time where I was home alone, angry about how people were treating me, and I held a knife to my throat, wishing I had the courage to press it down and drag it across my neck (obviously, I didn't have that courage). Shortly after that I got into cutting and it became an addiction, a cure for my emotional pain. It was the only thing I found that was reliable to do that and worked, so I think that is why it was so addictive. Of course anytime people noticed the cuts, it was something I got more ridicule for and I had a few run-ins with guidance councilers (and thus, my parents when they found out) through out the years. Whenever my parents noticed my scars, I would get yelled at and my mom would tell me how badly that would reflect on her. Their yelling wasn't very effective for it usually just triggered me to go cut. Ha ha. I tried to quit many times only to go back, but I think I'm finally over it, not having cut since the beginning of the school year (maybe since September or October). So, I cut for about seven years before I finally (I think) got self-control and stopped myself). I still get the urge to, but I'm learning how to hold in the pain and just ignore it. Luckily for me, most of my scars have healed up decently and are not too noticable. Most of my worst ones (excepting the cigarrette burns, lol) just look like scars I could have got in some normal way, so I don't ever have nosy people asking about them.

This is a topic that I'm very passionate about, as so many people misunderstand it as being a "botched suicide attempt" or just trying to get attention. It's not. I don't got the time now, but perhaps later I can explain further one this (If anyone is interested). I get so annoyed with all the misunderstandings about self-injury.

 

[Ori]

What an often neglected (and misunderstood) topic to start a thread on. I'm glad you started a thread on it.

I used to self-injure, too. It started in sixth grade or seventh grade for me (about when I was twelve). I got made fun of and ridiculed a lot by my peers and my mom wasn't happy with how I was turning out (like the way I dress, some of my interestes and tastes, that I was gaining weight, etc - all superficial crap, I suppose). I had no friends and no one to go to. I don't know how I originally discovered self-injury, but it was sometime after the time where I was home alone, angry about how people were treating me, and I held a knife to my throat, wishing I had the courage to press it down and drag it across my neck (obviously, I didn't have that courage). Shortly after that I got into cutting and it became an addiction, a cure for my emotional pain. It was the only thing I found that was reliable to do that and worked, so I think that is why it was so addictive. Of course anytime people noticed the cuts, it was something I got more ridicule for and I had a few run-ins with guidance councilers (and thus, my parents when they found out) through out the years. Whenever my parents noticed my scars, I would get yelled at and my mom would tell me how badly that would reflect on her. Their yelling wasn't very effective for it usually just triggered me to go cut. Ha ha. I tried to quit many times only to go back, but I think I'm finally over it, not having cut since the beginning of the school year (maybe since September or October). So, I cut for about seven years before I finally (I think) got self-control and stopped myself). I still get the urge to, but I'm learning how to hold in the pain and just ignore it. Luckily for me, most of my scars have healed up decently and are not too noticable. Most of my worst ones (excepting the cigarrette burns, lol) just look like scars I could have got in some normal way, so I don't ever have nosy people asking about them.

This is a topic that I'm very passionate about, as so many people misunderstand it as being a "botched suicide attempt" or just trying to get attention. It's not. I don't got the time now, but perhaps later I can explain further one this (If anyone is interested). I get so annoyed with all the misunderstandings about self-injury.

I would certainly be interested in hearing more. It's not an easy thing to live with and it's probably a far bigger problem than people realise.

 

[michel]

Unfortunately, I still self-harm. I don't think the way I self harm would be productive to describe, but would say that what seems to be different about the way I do it is that the scars can't be seen.

I actually started at the age of 13, and have been doing it on and off since (more on than off, unfortunately).

I had already had a bad time in Africa (I won't go into details), but I was never allowed to "win" at anything.

I was at boading school (I was sent there from the age of 11 - which, to my mind was a mistake on my Parent's part - not that I blame them, they were doing what they thought was the best for me).

I was a foreign kid (I had a weird -apparently realy "ugly" french/ southafrican accent), I was overweight , I was worse than useless at sports, and, whenever it came to exam time, I used to have a raging bout of bronchitis (with a very high temperature).

One year (my mother had noticed the pattern of the bronchitis and exams), when I got ill again, my Mother asked the headmaster to let me go home, and to do the exams there, under her supervision. My Mum was definitely not the sort of person who would have given me any unfair advantage whatsoever; she stuck hard to rules.

I went back to school, cured, and my papers were marked. I came top of the class. You can imagine what the other kids thought..........

That was the end of exams for me..for the one time I had been able to "compete" - in the safety of my home, my results were rubished. The rest of my schooling was a nightmare, but I did have enough qualifications to be employed ny the bank where I worked. Of course, I was supposed to do banking exams.. I gave that a go, but gave up almost immediately.

It is only in these last two years that I have once again tried..with my computing course at the local college. Talk about panic stricken..on exam days, I was self medicating with three times my normal dose of sedatives..and I was still sweating profusely - I couldn't write properly (so I got permission to type any written answers)..

Like I say, the scars don't show; with me, it is more a case of the feeling the pain - that's what I get out of it; I know some people need to see blood (as some kind of purging of the bad they feel in themselves), but with me, it's all about pain. I have had loads of therapy - none of it worked for that particular problem. My doctor knows - he just says "Well, if it helps you 'cope'.." The trouble is that I seem to be getting "pain resistant" where I harm mysel; the only thing I am worried about is that I'll have to find somewhere "New".

Wow," Life!"..sorry.

 

[darkpenguin]

Unfortunately, I still self-harm. I don't think the way I self harm would be productive to describe, but would say that what seems to be different about the way I do it is that the scars can't be seen.

I actually started at the age of 13, and have been doing it on and off since (more on than off, unfortunately).

I had already had a bad time in Africa (I won't go into details), but I was never allowed to "win" at anything.

I was at boading school (I was sent there from the age of 11 - which, to my mind was a mistake on my Parent's part - not that I blame them, they were doing what they thought was the best for me).

I was a foreign kid (I had a weird -apparently realy "ugly" french/ southafrican accent), I was overweight , I was worse than useless at sports, and, whenever it came to exam time, I used to have a raging bout of bronchitis (with a very high temperature).

One year (my mother had noticed the pattern of the bronchitis and exams), when I got ill again, my Mother asked the headmaster to let me go home, and to do the exams there, under her supervision. My Mum was definitely not the sort of person who would have given me any unfair advantage whatsoever; she stuck hard to rules.

I went back to school, cured, and my papers were marked. I came top of the class. You can imagine what the other kids thought..........

That was the end of exams for me..for the one time I had been able to "compete" - in the safety of my home, my results were rubished. The rest of my schooling was a nightmare, but I did have enough qualifications to be employed ny the bank where I worked. Of course, I was supposed to do banking exams.. I gave that a go, but gave up almost immediately.

It is only in these last two years that I have once again tried..with my computing course at the local college. Talk about panic stricken..on exam days, I was self medicating with three times my normal dose of sedatives..and I was still sweating profusely - I couldn't write properly (so I got permission to type any written answers)..

Like I say, the scars don't show; with me, it is more a case of the feeling the pain - that's what I get out of it; I know some people need to see blood (as some kind of purging of the bad they feel in themselves), but with me, it's all about pain. I have had loads of therapy - none of it worked for that particular problem. My doctor knows - he just says "Well, if it helps you 'cope'.." The trouble is that I seem to be getting "pain resistant" where I harm mysel; the only thing I am worried about is that I'll have to find somewhere "New".

Wow," Life!"..sorry.

I guess this has probably been suggested to you but have you ever tried taking yourself away from the situations when your most likely to do it?
As with most addictions it mostly comes down to habit. I know I have the hardest time giving up smoking when I'm in situations when I usually smoke, thus why I havn't been able to kick that really annoying habit lol.

 

[standing_alone]

I would certainly be interested in hearing more. It's not an easy thing to live with and it's probably a far bigger problem than people realise.

Okay, now that I have more time, I can explain myself a little more further. It really won't be anything long and/or Earth-shattering.

Like I said, self-injury itself isn't a botched suicide attempt or just an attempt to get attention. Self-injury is a coping mechanism for emotional pain. I had this awesome print-out from a shrink I saw a few years ago, but I misplaced it (which sucks because it was the most excellent source I ever had on self-injury). I remember reading somewhere that, while many who self-injure have suicidal thoughts, they rarely attempt suicide in a manner similar to their form of self-injury (I don't know how factual that is, but I found it interesting).

People turn to self-injury because they lack other coping mechanisms (that is, those coping mechanisms considered normal and/or healthy). For those who self-injure, the physical pain involved gives them a sense of control over their situation and a distraction from emotional pain (or it can be an attempt to just feel something). It may also be used as a means of getting attention, don't get me wrong, but it's used (typically) so as to express the emotional pain being felt. It's not solely an attempt to get attention for purely selfish reasons, it's an attempt to express emotional pain so as to get help. Of course, not all are "crying out" for help in my opinion, as many hide their scars. It's a coping mechanism, as I've said, but one that has a lot of stigma. Unfortunately, due to ignorance about it, people who self-injure often face more criticism for doing so, rather than any constructive support from others.

Those who self-injure typically start in their pre-teens/early teens. Many were abused (be it physically, emotionally, or sexually). Generally females are more likely than males to self-injure, but that may because women are typically more likely to seek help for it.

The MayoClinic website has a decent section on self-injury: http://www.mayoclinic.com/health/self-injury/DS00775/DSECTION=1

 

[jacquie4000]

Michel, your story in school reminds me of alot of kids actually, sorry to say school can be very hard on kids especially when you seem a stranger there. MY son hates to read out loud in class because he is slower then most, and he only has one teacher that seems to pick on him to read knowing this. I had to have a private talk with that teacher, as his fellow classmates were teasing him.

My son is well liked to in school, but if they can find something to pick on they will.

I really enjoy that everyone hear is open in talking about their hardships in life, It is important for others to hear. Maybe this will help others to be open to discuss theirs.

 

[Mike182]

would anyone mind if i made this thread a Sticky, at the top of the page?

 

[Mike182]

through quite harsh bullying in school, i turned to smoking and alcohol. since school, i've seen myself in quite a negative light, i often ignore the positive things about myself and focus on the negative, which means i have a fairly low self esteem.

i never turned to physically harming myself, but i consider the negative thoughts about myself, the smoking and the alcohol as a form of self harm.

i have gotten a lot better though, but what it took for me to start getting better was to be removed from the school environment.

i have given up smoking, i've not been drunk for at least a year (a bit tipsy on a few occasions, but even then, i hadn't been drinking much, and i stopped at that point.)

since being at university, i've had quite a large group of supportive and caring friends, and no one at uni bullies anyone! it just doesn't happen here!

i don't know if this relates to other people's experiences or not, bu tonce i was out of teh environment causing me to be that way, i started getting better.

 

[darkpenguin]

would anyone mind if i made this thread a Sticky, at the top of the page?

thats cool, it could still be posted on yes??

 

[darkpenguin]

through quite harsh bullying in school, i turned to smoking and alcohol. since school, i've seen myself in quite a negative light, i often ignore the positive things about myself and focus on the negative, which means i have a fairly low self esteem.

i never turned to physically harming myself, but i consider the negative thoughts about myself, the smoking and the alcohol as a form of self harm.

i have gotten a lot better though, but what it took for me to start getting better was to be removed from the school environment.

i have given up smoking, i've not been drunk for at least a year (a bit tipsy on a few occasions, but even then, i hadn't been drinking much, and i stopped at that point.)

since being at university, i've had quite a large group of supportive and caring friends, and no one at uni bullies anyone! it just doesn't happen here!

i don't know if this relates to other people's experiences or not, bu tonce i was out of teh environment causing me to be that way, i started getting better.

I found the same. I got a new job with new friends and a proper social life and everything just got better!

 

[Mike182]

thats cool, it could still be posted on yes??

yes! it just means that this thread will stay at the top of the list in th health & healing forum instead of getting buried under all the new threads.

 

[michel]

I guess this has probably been suggested to you but have you ever tried taking yourself away from the situations when your most likely to do it?
As with most addictions it mostly comes down to habit. I know I have the hardest time giving up smoking when I'm in situations when I usually smoke, thus why I havn't been able to kick that really annoying habit lol.

I have tried everything; the trouble is that there's no "logic" to it. I look upon self harming instances as a burst of the "emotional pressure regulator"..

I don't even see it coming on.........and I don't even recognise it as self harming at the time.

I think I loop out of whatever is emotionally draining me, and go into a "false logic facade" - that is how it feels like, very dry, very methodical.....no rush....hard to desribe.

When I wrote this earlier, I was shocked at myself for being so cold blooded about it. I had to sign off and go have a sleep; it made me feel (at the same time) sorry for myself (which is absurd), stupid, and even more of a waste of space than I already feel. Damn, I'm going into it again.
It is almost as if the "pain part of the brain" (as in emotional pain) just shuts down completely, and I become an automaton.......

Actually, I read something this morning that might be pertinent to this - I'll start a new thread - about "addiction"

 

[darkpenguin]

I have tried everything; the trouble is that there's no "logic" to it. I look upon self harming instances as a burst of the "emotional pressure regulator"..

I don't even see it coming on.........and I don't even recognise it as self harming at the time.

I think I loop out of whatever is emotionally draining me, and go into a "false logic facade" - that is how it feels like, very dry, very methodical.....no rush....hard to desribe.

When I wrote this earlier, I was shocked at myself for being so cold blooded about it. I had to sign off and go have a sleep; it made me feel (at the same time) sorry for myself (which is absurd), stupid, and even more of a waste of space than I already feel. Damn, I'm going into it again.
It is almost as if the "pain part of the brain" (as in emotional pain) just shuts down completely, and I become an automaton.......

Actually, I read something this morning that might be pertinent to this - I'll start a new thread - about "addiction"

It's a tough thing to stop doing and even harder sometimes to recognise that it is self harming, I know I didn't think of it that way at first, it made me feel better (or so I thought at the time) so I didn't think there was anything wrong.
I think it finally hit me when I ran out of space where I was doing it and thought "ok, this is silly, I need help".
I think it's even harder when it's being done to a part of the body that isn't visialble as nobody knows and so can't talk to you about it.
I would love to say that it's something that can be grown out of but in all honesty the itch is still there with me everyday, good or bad.

 

[mostly harmless]

I used to hurt myself. When I was in Junior High I started to starve my self for long periods of time, it was my way of exerting some control over my own body. My stepmother was horrid to me, and I used to get picked on a lot at school. I had started cutting myself shortly after starting high school, I also started smoking and drinking. When I graduated high school, I left for boot camp (USMC) and there I started to 'come to life' (maybe a good way to put it. I met my ex-husband while I was in the Corps. He is a monster. My life was hell for 8 years. I used to dream of killing myself to get away from him. I didn't because he was almost as horrid to our daughter as he was to me. Then one day about 5 years ago, a friend told me that I had to leave (thoughts I was having anyway). He and his wife said 'No one deserves to be treated the way you and your daughter are, especially your daughter.' They told me I was not a worthless person, and am deserving of being treated with respect. It wasn't so much what they said as how they said it. It was like a door opened after that conversation. I stopped giving that man the power to control me or hurt me. I didn't know what would become of me after the divorce, I have such a coldness inside of me. It is like a part of me is dead, and very very cold. I didn't know if I could feel things again at the time that I left him. Now I know I can. The cold dead space is still there inside of me. But, I don't hurt myself anymore. I am in a very loving, secure, RESPECTFUL relationship. That coldness does come in very handy when it comes to dealing with the ex. When he looks into my eyes and sees that coldness, whatever was going on at that time tends to stop immediately. I have become a fiercely protective person. I have always been like that in regards to my daughter, but my boyfriend and some other people are now included. I have never really been like that with other adults. I had always been so busy trying to survive. Now, I may hurt most of the time from my illness but if I am angered to the point where that coldness starts to show....
I am not a violent person at all, but I was a Marine...I can still figure out ways to make my ex think twice about laying a hand on me..even if I can't really defend myself anymore (he doesn't need to know that)..

Anyway, I'm rambling..I don't feel that well..the fibro is all flared up from the weather..I'm goin' to bed:snoopy:

 

[michel]

I used to hurt myself. When I was in Junior High I started to starve my self for long periods of time, it was my way of exerting some control over my own body. My stepmother was horrid to me, and I used to get picked on a lot at school. I had started cutting myself shortly after starting high school, I also started smoking and drinking. When I graduated high school, I left for boot camp (USMC) and there I started to 'come to life' (maybe a good way to put it. I met my ex-husband while I was in the Corps. He is a monster. My life was hell for 8 years. I used to dream of killing myself to get away from him. I didn't because he was almost as horrid to our daughter as he was to me. Then one day about 5 years ago, a friend told me that I had to leave (thoughts I was having anyway). He and his wife said 'No one deserves to be treated the way you and your daughter are, especially your daughter.' They told me I was not a worthless person, and am deserving of being treated with respect. It wasn't so much what they said as how they said it. It was like a door opened after that conversation. I stopped giving that man the power to control me or hurt me. I didn't know what would become of me after the divorce, I have such a coldness inside of me. It is like a part of me is dead, and very very cold. I didn't know if I could feel things again at the time that I left him. Now I know I can. The cold dead space is still there inside of me. But, I don't hurt myself anymore. I am in a very loving, secure, RESPECTFUL relationship. That coldness does come in very handy when it comes to dealing with the ex. When he looks into my eyes and sees that coldness, whatever was going on at that time tends to stop immediately. I have become a fiercely protective person. I have always been like that in regards to my daughter, but my boyfriend and some other people are now included. I have never really been like that with other adults. I had always been so busy trying to survive. Now, I may hurt most of the time from my illness but if I am angered to the point where that coldness starts to show....
I am not a violent person at all, but I was a Marine...I can still figure out ways to make my ex think twice about laying a hand on me..even if I can't really defend myself anymore (he doesn't need to know that)..

Anyway, I'm rambling..I don't feel that well..the fibro is all flared up from the weather..I'm goin' to bed:snoopy:

I am sorry to read the above - so much of your account resonates with me.

I had started cutting myself shortly after starting high school, I also started smoking and drinking

Same here, except that I started at about the age of 14/15; bullying at school, being put in boarding school at the age of 13 (probably when I felt I needed my parents most), being ina new country........they were all part of the trigger.

I have such a coldness inside of me. It is like a part of me is dead, and very very cold. I didn't know if I could feel things again at the time that I left him. Now I know I can. The cold dead space is still there inside of me.

As do I. I do know that that coldness is temporary, and it is a way my mind deals with what it doesn't like; strange that I should be going through a spell of it now, though.

What is even stranger is that I am cold in my feelings except when they involve others - and I can't understand that.

I was walking down the main road the other day, and a young Chinese Girl was walking on the other side. I saw a gang of young "louts" walking up behind her, and I knew they were up to no good; I could see that they were going to intimidate her. A couple of them looked ovber to my side of the road, and I stared aback with a scowl; I was even ready to go accross and start flaying about with my crutch as a weapon (a stupid thought, but then common sense doesn't come into events like that).

As it was, they just made lewd comments and gestures to her. She was obviously very put out, and crossed the road; as she was ahead of me, I called after her. naturally, she now looked uncertain; but I asked if she was alright, and found myself saying "Sorry".......I felt so bad and guilty at the lads' behaviour. I even started crying.

You have Fibromyalgia; so do I. I seem to be going through a particularly bad patch at the moment; one of the things I find hardest of all are the longer and lighter evenings. I get a feeling of dread and panic when the evenings get lighter (because of the association of boarding school - and having more time in which to go and find somewhere to hide; when It was dark, I could go in a roomful and be safe).

I don't know............

 

[Dr. Nosophoros]

Well, to quote a character from the movie the Shawashank Redemption- "Get busy living or get busy dying" or something to that effect.

You are alive so live, if you want to die, die, to me the worst thing in this world is to be living between both with no decision, the living dead, you will get eaten alive.

 

[Hema]

through quite harsh bullying in school, i turned to smoking and alcohol. since school, i've seen myself in quite a negative light, i often ignore the positive things about myself and focus on the negative, which means i have a fairly low self esteem.

I also have feelings of negatively which result in my low self-esteem. I wasn't really bullied but when i was young, but I was very skinny and the other kids used to call me skinny-bones. Before I started school, I was a chatter-box but as I grew up I became more withdrawn. I'm very shy in social circles but when I'm with my family, my fiance and close friends I can talk forever. I was never popular and I have always had one best friend at any point in my life. Now my best friend is my fiance because he has always been there for me.

On separate unrelated incidents, there were so many times I wanted to kill myself - I hit my head on the floor and once I decided to take tablets but I only took six and I got scared so I didn't take more. During that time I felt like a living-dead. I felt empty. I felt numb from all the pain. However, this situation was resolved and everything worked out just great.

On another note - this might seem weird but something bothers me about my appearance. I'm 25 but I look like 17. (No that's not me in my avatar). People sometimes talk to me like I'm a child and I hate it. Sometimes I feel like I'm not respected enough or I'm not taken seriously.

Sometimes, when I goof up, I'm so hard on myself and say that I'm good-for-nothing and stupid and ugly, which I know is not really true but sometimes I think I'm so different from others. For my whole life I have felt like a misfit. There are few places that I fit in to.