So where to begin today? The more I seek the more lost I become.
I've left out a lot on here that I'm going to share now, as I've reached an impasse of sorts. Recently I've discovered I *may* have a serious health issue, and if that is the case, it will mean a whole lot of suffering for myself and my family, as they will be devastated and worry greatly about me should this problem be real. Now, I most definitely deserve to suffer, although this particular suffering is even more than I deserve, IMO. What bothers me is that my family has suffered greatly over the last 25 or so years and I can't understand why it won't stop. I won't go into details on what has transpired in my family over the years lest one of my family finds this post at some point. I will not air my family's business on the internet.
Let's just say that I saw things and was exposed to things before I was even in grade 4 that would give most people mental breakdowns. If I were to post what has happened in my family over the years most of you would break down crying in front of your computers or tablets. Most of this started before I ever became the horrible person I have described myself as previously, and whether or not it played a role in the person I became is irrelevant now.
But the suffering and anguish has been plenty, and never ending. I, to this day, am a loser. I am in my 30's, do not own a vehicle, never have, I suffer from acne (still!), I have suffered from depression since the age of 13, I have ONE friend (no joke, not an exaggeration) that, if I'm lucky, I get to talk to for MAYBE half an hour once a month, I work at a job that most people would refuse to do, I haven't had a girlfriend since 2006 and honestly the vast majority of society looks upon me like a scab. I accept all of this about myself, I understand it, I get why it's like this, as I've been an awful person. Yet the suffering continues to pile up and I can't help but wonder, WHY? Yes, I've been a bad person, I've done horrible things, I've caused great heartache to more people than I can count, but I already suffer for it, I have for DECADES.
I know it's probably wrong to compare myself to others, but bear with me. I'm a bad guy, ok? But take someone like the rapper, Eminem. This person has made not only a career but tens of millions of dollars promoting things like rape, murder, hard drug abuse, kidnapping and more and continues to live a blessed life. I don't see him suffering, I don't see him having any issues at all other than questions like "how much cocaine should I snort today?" and "how many thousands of dollars should I spend on clothes today?" How is that fair? What I've done pales in comparison to the darkness that this person has spread. And that's just one example of probably thousands I could come up with, from entertainers and others. I know what most would say... "he will be judged when his time comes". Well, I don't think that's good enough, I think that's a cop-out. What about now? What about right now? Where's the balance?
The place I work at now, wanna know what I do? I clean. I clean up urine, feces, vomit, and sadly, drug residue. The place I work at is an establishment that serves alcohol, which in turn brings in a certain clientele. I see these people, I know who they are, they live fancy lifestyles, driving nice cars, dressing in expensive clothes with money to go out drinking, partying, eating out, doing these destructive drugs like cocaine and ecstasy, and where is their suffering? They cause more chaos in our society than I ever have and yet here I am, beaten down again and again, on the edge of even more problems, while they live their happy little lives doing whatever they please and enjoying the heck out of themselves. Where is the balance? Why does my family suffer while these others live in splendor? Most of my family has been what would be classified as poor for a very long time, and we are not government handout people, we work but we don't get any grand lifestyle. I myself live paycheck to paycheck, were I to lose my job I'd be on the verge of homelessness in a matter of weeks. How do these other people live the way they do? Where do their riches come from?
Again, I know it's probably wrong to be so comparative, but how else are you supposed to look at things in this situation after such a long time of being the way I am, and my family having been through what we've been through? Nothing makes any sense.
Where is God in all this? I pray and I pray, and even before coming here after realizing a while back what a monster I'd been, I prayed a lot. Not all the time, I guess I'd say it came in spurts, but I prayed. My belief has always been there, whether I was acknowledging it or not, but now I am more lost than ever. Quotes from religious texts give me no answers, I really want to know, where is God? And more importantly, WHY? Why us? Why MY family? I am sure there are others out there who have been through even worse than us (I know there are, I watch the news) and I guess the question becomes even bigger, yet still the same:
WHY?