I know I've made a few posts like this, but I'm going to indulge myself once more. I like to write stuff to get it out and in this case feedback helps. I also need to be honest, which I'd like to hope I'm good at.
It's been six monthssince the tornado now since I became a Kemetic Pagan and it's not been easy at all. When I became a Noachide, it was because I'd already taken on those beliefs and covertly basically had for quite some time.
I had a, no pun intended at all, near suicidal faith in HaShem as a Noachide. I had no doubt whatsoever, apart from natural things that creep in now and then usually due to my own issues, that He existed and that He cared. It's impossible for me to say I didn't feel looked after or loved by HaShem. Almost every day I talked to Him about anything and everything, totally confident He was listening and responding. I had, in my mind, every reason to believe this.
One day I'd gone out looking for a Menorah or Hanukkiah (I didn't know the difference then), and it is 100% futile where I live. There are no Jews, no Jewish shops, and I wasn't even a Noachide at the time, but what do you know folks - I find one in a charity shop, missing its shamash but that's fine, and buy it. I hadn't seen one before and not since. I was at an outdoor market once and asked at a jewellery stand for a Star of David necklace and they said no luck, no surprise where I live, but at the next jewellery stand - ha! I called it the one HaShem gave me. I also found a kiddush cup in a charity shop in another completely non-Jewish town.
I was sat reading in my sun-room and there were bikers outside making a lot of noise for a lot of time and eventually I asked HaShem to shut them up. They didn't stop, but went incredibly quiet. Quiet enough I could read.
Before this I begged HaShem, as I had no internet at the time, to send me a Jewish person to help me understand Tanakh, because I didn't find the Christian explanations or my own readings sufficient - well then, mom kicked me out and I returned to RF and met Tumah, who provided perfect explanations for things that had been prodding my brain. I think Tumah found the notion that he was God-sent amusing, but I loved him dearly for this reason. He'd made lots of things fall into place in a way I could understand from a lay-person perspective and was someone I could interact with. This isn't to disparage other Jewish users, I just recall they were not very active at the time and I was looking for a particular viewpoint at this point.
Even before this, I would be forced to bike to town every week to sign on for my welfare and I had no bike lock, so I just left it outside the library unattended when I went to sign on or do my volunteer work, confident God would never let the bike be stolen. It wasn't ever stolen.
So some might even quite rightly call me reckless.
I recall coming home from France and I met this woman called Emma who had some family with her and wasn't sure whether she'd had a taxi booked because she thought her brother had booked one remotely on her behalf. Sure enough we found a large enough taxi waiting outside for us (she allowed me to ride with them) and the taxi driver said the cab was for Emma. She thanked her brother over the phone but her brother said he hadn't booked any taxi.
Many such things like this I attributed to HaShem.
I remember my nana bought me an angel hanging ornament and one day its arms had randomly broken off and I haven't found them to this day. I shrugged it off, certain it was just HaShem breaking the figure to prevent it from being some kind of idol, especially as her hands were clasped in the Christian prayer gesture. This breakage didn't bother me in the slightest.
There was no more intense prayer than prayer to HaShem. Others will recall how I never connected to any other God and always went back to HaShem.
I can never say I felt abandoned. I think it's crystal clear Someone is watching.
And maybe I abandoned that Someone.
In any case, faith in HaShem or no, the plain truth is there is no religion out there that is not avodah zarah that's for non-Jews (Noachidism is not a religion, as said by many Bnei Noach and Jews alike - they proclaim their religion to be Judaism, their covenant merely different). The God of Israel didn't give us one, and that dents my faith. He tells us what He doesn't want us doing but gives no alternative, because we clearly want more from our belief system than what the Noachide Covenant gives us and we're told we can't add to it to make a religion out of it, which is exactly what we want to do.
On the individual level, I felt incredibly looked after; on a national level, not so much.
But so far, this is the one place where HaShem appears to have been silent and will remain so.
Occasionally I wonder what I've done. At other times I don't care. If He wants to take it up with me afterwards, He can. I'll try not to fight.
(I'm aware to some people this is just 'magical thinking')
It's been six months
I had a, no pun intended at all, near suicidal faith in HaShem as a Noachide. I had no doubt whatsoever, apart from natural things that creep in now and then usually due to my own issues, that He existed and that He cared. It's impossible for me to say I didn't feel looked after or loved by HaShem. Almost every day I talked to Him about anything and everything, totally confident He was listening and responding. I had, in my mind, every reason to believe this.
One day I'd gone out looking for a Menorah or Hanukkiah (I didn't know the difference then), and it is 100% futile where I live. There are no Jews, no Jewish shops, and I wasn't even a Noachide at the time, but what do you know folks - I find one in a charity shop, missing its shamash but that's fine, and buy it. I hadn't seen one before and not since. I was at an outdoor market once and asked at a jewellery stand for a Star of David necklace and they said no luck, no surprise where I live, but at the next jewellery stand - ha! I called it the one HaShem gave me. I also found a kiddush cup in a charity shop in another completely non-Jewish town.
I was sat reading in my sun-room and there were bikers outside making a lot of noise for a lot of time and eventually I asked HaShem to shut them up. They didn't stop, but went incredibly quiet. Quiet enough I could read.
Before this I begged HaShem, as I had no internet at the time, to send me a Jewish person to help me understand Tanakh, because I didn't find the Christian explanations or my own readings sufficient - well then, mom kicked me out and I returned to RF and met Tumah, who provided perfect explanations for things that had been prodding my brain. I think Tumah found the notion that he was God-sent amusing, but I loved him dearly for this reason. He'd made lots of things fall into place in a way I could understand from a lay-person perspective and was someone I could interact with. This isn't to disparage other Jewish users, I just recall they were not very active at the time and I was looking for a particular viewpoint at this point.
Even before this, I would be forced to bike to town every week to sign on for my welfare and I had no bike lock, so I just left it outside the library unattended when I went to sign on or do my volunteer work, confident God would never let the bike be stolen. It wasn't ever stolen.
So some might even quite rightly call me reckless.
I recall coming home from France and I met this woman called Emma who had some family with her and wasn't sure whether she'd had a taxi booked because she thought her brother had booked one remotely on her behalf. Sure enough we found a large enough taxi waiting outside for us (she allowed me to ride with them) and the taxi driver said the cab was for Emma. She thanked her brother over the phone but her brother said he hadn't booked any taxi.
Many such things like this I attributed to HaShem.
I remember my nana bought me an angel hanging ornament and one day its arms had randomly broken off and I haven't found them to this day. I shrugged it off, certain it was just HaShem breaking the figure to prevent it from being some kind of idol, especially as her hands were clasped in the Christian prayer gesture. This breakage didn't bother me in the slightest.
There was no more intense prayer than prayer to HaShem. Others will recall how I never connected to any other God and always went back to HaShem.
I can never say I felt abandoned. I think it's crystal clear Someone is watching.
And maybe I abandoned that Someone.
In any case, faith in HaShem or no, the plain truth is there is no religion out there that is not avodah zarah that's for non-Jews (Noachidism is not a religion, as said by many Bnei Noach and Jews alike - they proclaim their religion to be Judaism, their covenant merely different). The God of Israel didn't give us one, and that dents my faith. He tells us what He doesn't want us doing but gives no alternative, because we clearly want more from our belief system than what the Noachide Covenant gives us and we're told we can't add to it to make a religion out of it, which is exactly what we want to do.
On the individual level, I felt incredibly looked after; on a national level, not so much.
But so far, this is the one place where HaShem appears to have been silent and will remain so.
Occasionally I wonder what I've done. At other times I don't care. If He wants to take it up with me afterwards, He can. I'll try not to fight.
(I'm aware to some people this is just 'magical thinking')
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