Religion and spirituality Journal;

[Riders]

Ok I just needed to share this journal for a few different reasons. I have had issues starting religious debates because I think some of my bad experiences with the church are personal. Therefore other people cannot relate.So Id rather journal about my feelings instead.

So I will start out here. I use to belong to a United Pentecostal Church. Technically UPC Inc believes in a different Godhead then regular Trinity churches.They believe in the oneness Godhead,Jesus is a manifestation of God not another person of God just like the burning bush was for Moses.

They believe you have to be baptized in Jesus name instead of the name of the Trinity, Father Son and Holy Ghost to be saved.
They don't accept Jesus as Lord and savior and have alter calls for that instead they go to the front to get people to pray over them to get the infilling of the Holy Ghost.

Of course everyone else was going to hell. We also had to wear long dresses long hair not cutting or trimming the hair,we usually wore it up to look nice,there's an old wives tell that people believe we all wore our hair in tight granny buns. No,some of us did but it was only required to wear it up with a barretts pony tail braids french braids updos whatever.

Tobecontinued

 

[YmirGF]

I like hearing your story and encourage you to keep at it!

 

[Riders]

So we had a way of talking to conservatives. Sense we were sexually conservative and also believed in pro life no abortions, Baptists and other trinity Pentecostals and non denominational people would easily make friends with us though I never personally associated with too many Baptists while I was there.
However sense we all believed they were all going to hell we were actually witnessing to them allowing them to think we were being their friends.

If you look at the UPC Inc handbook it actually says in there that we don't believe in war nor buying guns or going into the military yea shock shock we have a taken a semi liberal stand on a couple of issues.

It also says we have no opinions on political parties,there is a rule against talking about politics at church though we could privately and the church does not stand for any specific political group.


So I'm posting this one run in I had with them and then I will write more tomorrow.

Last year while I was in the old folks home after recovering from a wound I got from my hernia surgery I had a run in with them.

They go to my old old folks home once a month and preaches. By they I mean
a couple of men. I am sure they know if they brought the women to pray over women or witness to women like they should with the women's weird attire hair and look it would run people off.

I had forgotten how rough and crazy they're service was because its been 18 years sense I have been back.

So anyways I was going to the kitchen to get some snacks and there they were singing, I did not want to be rude. So I thought what can it hurt to sit through a service.

I sat there and he started out preaching it was going to be a sermon on forgiveness . I thought it was great maybe it would not be a hell fire brimstone service!

He says " You know the scripture that says you have to repent to be saved, I bet you did not know it also means you are expected to forgive everyone who has done a wrong in your life.Now technically that would be impossible considering there tons of people I will never remember I owe forgiveness too.

Its just a way for them

 

[Riders]

to twist up a scripture to make it sound like they are the only ones going to heaven.Although I had never heard that theory.

Anyways so he said do you know most if not all divorced people go to hell.
Its because if they would forgive each other you would know it because they would get remarried.

He started bragging about how many years he had been married and what a great marriage he had.

Then he started talking about the dirty nasty old sins the married man who gets divorced has.Some man he read about said he had a sexual affair with a college age girls,because of the old lady getting to be too old for him and how he broke her heart,

He went on and on about the dirty nasty sins of the divorced man.I just though OMG this guy has to be a sex addict,I am listening to an explicit sermon its crazy!Its probably why I was drawn to them, they were sick I was sick yea.It was crazy I snuck out right before they started laying hands on people, I did not want that guy near me so I got out just in time! Ill write more tomorrow

 

[Riders]

I like hearing your story and encourage you to keep at it!

Thank you I like hearing yours too. Feel free to put yours up here too.

 

[Jollybear]

Thank you I like hearing yours too. Feel free to put yours up here too.

I visited a UPC church few times with a friend. This guy was adament that i needed to be baptized in Jesus name. He said "it dont matter that you experienced speaking in tongues at the other church or got baptized in the name of the father, son and holy Spirit. If you wer to die, youd go to hell. You need to be baptized in quote on quote "Jesus name". It has to be said as your being dunked in the water" lol.

I got a real kick out of this guy.

In fact, we went to a UPC camp for a week.

He drove me crazy to get baptized in Jesus name. I did....ONLY to shut him up about it.

Then later i told him i did it just to shut him up, lol. He did not like that.

Now even though im telling you this story, i still do believe in God and spiritual experiences, i dont know your stance on that.

 

[Riders]

I visited a UPC church few times with a friend. This guy was adament that i needed to be baptized in Jesus name. He said "it dont matter that you experienced speaking in tongues at the other church or got baptized in the name of the father, son and holy Spirit. If you wer to die, youd go to hell. You need to be baptized in quote on quote "Jesus name". It has to be said as your being dunked in the water" lol.

I got a real kick out of this guy.

In fact, we went to a UPC camp for a week.

He drove me crazy to get baptized in Jesus name. I did....ONLY to shut him up about it.

Then later i told him i did it just to shut him up, lol. He did not like that.

Now even though im telling you this story, i still do believe in God and spiritual experiences, i dont know your stance on that.

Yes I still do believe in the Holy Ghost all be it I don't believe I have to speak in tongues.

They were so hateful about Pagans I became Pagan in thought for a while.Now I have moved towards jewish one God belief.I may visit the Quakers, they are some Christian some Jewish and are welcoming to others from other religions.
They have a one hour prayer and meditation being quiet for an hour service where they listen to God.

Then if they are moved by the Spirit to share a message from God they can share it as long as its not longer then 5 minutes.I have thought about visiting there.
I'm also a Zen Buddhist and meditate. I do feel like I get messages from God to do something,like tonight I got a message that was prophecy for me.I don't prophecy for others though.

But yea definitly the spirit still talks to me. Thanks for the reply.

 

[Jollybear]

Yes I still do believe in the Holy Ghost all be it I don't believe I have to speak in tongues.

They were so hateful about Pagans I became Pagan in thought for a while.Now I have moved towards jewish one God belief.I may visit the Quakers, they are some Christian some Jewish and are welcoming to others from other religions.
They have a one hour prayer and meditation being quiet for an hour service where they listen to God.

Then if they are moved by the Spirit to share a message from God they can share it as long as its not longer then 5 minutes.I have thought about visiting there.
I'm also a Zen Buddhist and meditate. I do feel like I get messages from God to do something,like tonight I got a message that was prophecy for me.I don't prophecy for others though.

But yea definitly the spirit still talks to me. Thanks for the reply.

I also agree one dont need to speak in tongues to experience the Spirit.

I was about to add a edit but my phone died. I just pluged it back in. I was gonna mention a positive i had at the camp. Im usually quite and reserved. So, i was sitting down, everyone else was too. The preacher was preaching on depression. Anyhow, i felt this energy or force whoosh through me and lift me off the chair. Then i looked back and everyone else stood up too.

For a few split seconds i was scratching my head saying to myself 'what the hell just happened?' I did not intent on standing up, i did not will it or contract my legs. And no one behind me pushed me. I would have known that. It was unusual, but very real. It did not happen ever before or after again. But, i am telling the truth on it, it was real.

 

[Riders]

I also agree one dont need to speak in tongues to experience the Spirit.

I was about to add a edit but my phone died. I just pluged it back in. I was gonna mention a positive i had at the camp. Im usually quite and reserved. So, i was sitting down, everyone else was too. The preacher was preaching on depression. Anyhow, i felt this energy or force whoosh through me and lift me off the chair. Then i looked back and everyone else stood up too.

For a few split seconds i was scratching my head saying to myself 'what the hell just happened?' I did not intent on standing up, i did not will it or contract my legs. And no one behind me pushed me. I would have known that. It was unusual, but very real. It did not happen ever before or after again. But, i am telling the truth on it, it was real.

Oh ok that's cool and normal for there UPC church. I use to be so angry with the church that I could not talk about it without sounding ugly.
But the truth is I was severely depressed and suicidal when I went to the church. I stayed for 9 years. I would not have stayed so long if they had not done some good.

However I have heard people who left cults who say the same thing, they say when I first got in I quit drugs cleaned up my life etc etc but then I became a slave.
I had one guy who told me he was going to go to a similar church situation. A friend of his told him he needed to clean up his life together get some Christian discipline better relationship with God.

He said if I had gone to that church had gotten in and got some discipline left after 9 months or if you had left after a year you would've been ok.

But you stayed on forever so you went crazy which is what happens when you stay forever in a church like that.
tobecontinued

 

[Riders]

Anyways,I do not know that I agree with that but I see the point of taking time out to be strict and get my life together. My Mom did it through the group of Alchoholics Anonymous,sometimes I wonder if I had not been better off going to ACOA meetings or Alanon.

But anyways yea so,so I was a mess when I went. I'm bipolar had been in psych wards for years, as a teen so I lost out on my youth.Back in the 1980s they made you live in psych wards if you were mentally ill . I was abused in psych wards and was lost, dropped out of high school wondered the streets ran away from my parents house,my sisters told me the family did not want me anymore.
I wanted to go back to the youth group I had gone too at the BAptist church at age 13 my Mom said we were kicked out.

I was lost. Some couple Amber and James had converted to the UPC church and went to my MOms AA group invited me to church.
I went to their church walked out immediatly when I saw

 

[Riders]

people running around the pews throwing themselves down on the floor,laying on of hands having tremors shaking all over falling backwards speaking in tongues, yea I'm out of here!

Walked around on the streets for ages could not find anyone to help me went back to the church to use the phone.Ran into a girl who was beautiful and plain very plain named Amanda who would end up being my best friend.

James and Amber found me got my address started showing up at my door every day giving me bible studies taking out to eat taking me to places. I was sad and lonely and of course when I met them, even though I was dressed up in the black punk rock attire that was popular then in the early 90s dark punk rock preGothic ( shows you how old I am). They told me it was of the devil.

But I acquired a ton of friends over night who did not reject me became my friends over night and yea I loved it for awhile.They was just show up at my door out of now here and pick me up take me to church,I had nobody else, and no one else.

 

[Riders]

But in the end if your in a cult just because they help you does not mean you have to stay. The fact is that the bible says you should help strangers but the left hand should not know what the right hand does.

Anyways so there's no reason you should have to stay or I should have to because I got help its called paying it forward!After all was said in done I was hating on Pagans day and night constantly belittling Pagans.

One of my guy friends Jeremy had to drop out of church even though he as a wicked Saxophone player for they're music program because he admitted to being Gay,So eventually they told me to stop talking to him,I was hating on Gays and Lesbians.


I was hating all the time.Its just not worth it to me. I do not owe the many thing except topay it forward.
But in the end they said I had misused the Holy Ghost and the church because I left .got help and left? It was after 9 years and I gave tons and tons of money to them and giving bible studies myself.

But like I said saying your church helps some people does give the church to lay claim on people and tell them they need to stay their their whole life.Its a manipulation tactic.

 

[Riders]

Leah Remini says the same thing about the Scientology church they claom the same thing. She says right out that she use to help other young women get their life together and get off drugs and such.


Anyways I went from doing nothing with my life to being able to working fastfood places full time. Eventually I went to cosmetology school graduated and went on to waitressing for awhile. Ill finish tomorrow.

 

[Riders]

I listened to this when I went to church at first , in the early 90s

 

[Riders]

So when I got out of psych wards at age 16 my mother had gotten sober at age 14. When I tried to go to Mesquite high school they put me in a class for kids with mental and behavioral problems.

They told my parents and me they did not want me. I needed to go back to the hospital.
Mrs C would not let me join in regular classes except for health and beginners

intro to algebra. I was fat had started gaining weight up to 180 to 190.But the kids did not make fun of me or reject me because of my weight. They alienated me because of menta lillness.I was scared of everything and everyone shell shocked missed a lot of school.toecontinued

 

[Riders]

SO having the teacher tell me I just would not fit in and not being able to fit in and I did not belong I dropped out.The baptist church rejected me.But I was very very lucky to have my sober Mom.
When I dropped out of high school I was in Alateen I became very Universal in my beliefs. My Mother dropped out of Baptist church and Christian beliefs and became a one God person.

I got some of my youth back by going to Alateen retreat. I went to AA dances with my Mom and I went to AA meetings with her.I also went to NA meetings for awhile I thought I was addicted to prescription meds.I use to take a lot of Xanax
I saw counselors psychiatrists.
When I go to be 20 I really didn't fit in with Alateen much too old . I still had my friends at AA a lot of young people but I started to drift off a lot from AA though.

In high school though I did not have any friends there were a lot of parties in our neighborhood though they would not associate with me much in school after school I did have kids that came over invited me to parties I went 2 or 3 and they doing a lot of drugs so I quit.

I had several guys who would come on to me at high school after school but would not speak to me in school.

I lost my oral sex virginity with a guy from school at 17 and a guy named Jerry I lost my virginity too at 18 he followed me around after school lived one street over,
But it was still a bad experience I did not have any other friends it was easier to have sex with the guys and be taken advantage of and be used and thrown away then to be alone.
Unfortunately this part of my past excludes me from going to Over Eaters annonymous.

I went to oa on telephone meetings all last year and a thousand times I have heard speakers say " and when I was a kid in school I always got made fun of
by te boys teen age guys hated me and made fun of me and I was recluse who had no friends at all just like every other over eater has"

Or use that same message and then they says" that is how I know I am a real over eater!

If your going to say all that you might as well say everyone who does not have that same experience is not an over eater. They exclude me but so what?

 

[Riders]

So I'm going to skip around a bit. Its not as if telling my life story is all that interesting.

Here are some reasons why I did not go back to the Baptist church and try and bond with them after I got out of the UPC church.

They seem to have an attitude the Baptists do of thinking the kind of own Dallas and hey any Christian denominations that are conservative out here they all know the Baptists. Te Baptists are known for witnessing at every other church and they claim to have known all about the UPC church.

They know nothing because a big bunch of them think that any Pentecostal church is good without knowing they are cult like they defend and sympathize with them even though they actually know relatively little.

They just think they know everything; know it alls.

So here I am in church and got out of it in 2000. We had just elected Bush in.I think I did vote for Bush but decided I was not going to vote in 2004 unless I really researched what the candidates were like. I did not know if I were Republican or Democratic.

The UPC church is not a political church.They have a rule that we were not to
speak about Politics in church because politics devides the church.

They are sexually conservative no women's rights LGBT is not ok. they are very Pro life so.
So yes from some viewpoints they are very conservative.However we did not speak of politics in the church.

However we could speak about it outside of the church. I got the impression that they were more Republican maybe 50 percent then other parties.

But here are some ideas I got from them on Politics. I met several that said all politics were evil and of the world the church should have nothing to do with worldly politics so we don't vote.

I have met 2 UPC inc Pentecostal's that attended Libertarian group so some are 3 rd party.

One of my pastors daughters said she was Democrat. She chose to either not vote when it came to Prolife or GLBT issues or vote Republican in those areas and Democratic in others.

I voted Republican when I was there. Many UP inc folks will become friends with Baptists and non denominational folks because they are conservative and have that in common so they can pull the wool over your eyes. TOECONTINUED

 

[Riders]

So anyways I took another course at the Jr college out here in my area and also worked 2 weeks at a Gym telemarketing for them.

So one guy at the telemarketing firm and 2 at Eastfield in the Baprist student Union approached me.

I told the BSU guys at college I use to be in a strict hard church Pentecostal
raised up in mesquite.Both they and the guy at the Gym who was hanging out with a UPC folks.

When they asked me who I was voting for I said I do not know I am putting on the back burner I am not very political just thinking it over.

All of them got in my face 2004 elections preached they all said they're church had a Republican guy coming by to talk to the church and I needed to get on board with the Republican agenda.

It was because they knew for a fact that my old church taught me better was an old timey Republican church involved with the Republican agenda.

they also they expected me to vote Republican and try and convert others over to the agenda just at my old church.

They were saying we had a Republican politicians in our church like them who recruited people. I was thinking are you kidding me? What the heck?

I thought they had me mixed up with someone else what on earth is all this?
My old UPC church is also liberal when it comes to war and guns.

So I was flabergasted. But I came to realize this was one of many embarrassing moments with the Baptist church when they were acting like know it alls and claiming they knew all about me and my old church and really they knew nothing.

It was absurd like a stereotype for conservative churches.Every conservative Christian church has Republican Politicians at their church lining people up to become registered Republicans and go spread the Republican good news Gospel.

 

[Riders]

So I am trying to find a way to bring excitement back into my life.Its hard. Its like anytime you talk to an alcoholic drug addict or any addict about with drawl from the addiction ,you will find that its very hard to go from being excited and hyped up especially with my sex addiction to having nothing to do.

My sisters felt like I don't need to be driving and gave my Moms car even though it was mine to my sister. I live in Mesquite and have no bus out here. It sucks I cant go out side the house to get a job. SO I'm trying to keep one at home calling for a roofing company setting appointments which is boring.
Its better then nothing, I am suppose to have a paycheck coming to me. But most good telesales jobs at home and customer service work at home requires a good computer I just got this 229 dollar chrome os cheapo for Christmas and I don't really have the computer skills either so, there's not a lot I can do with my situation.

But calling for a roof is better then nothing if I can make 200 a month that's good, helps keep me busy.

But I did take a taxi last month to Zen temple. I think if I use an uber I could go maybe twice a month and then maybe afford one trip a month to this Philosophy mystery school Rosicrucian class, its mostly philosophy beliefs being taught by the old mystery schools from the past. It looks interesting.

If I could lose a lot of my weight this year, get back into losing,.I gained all the way back up to 284 from 245, but originally i started at 342 2 years ago,

Anyways yea the Zen temple has a one day retreat once a month, they meditate all day and have a vegetarian lunch and talk about healthy lifestyle in between. It sounds really good, I think this would bring back some excitement to my life.

I have also been talking to zen folks and Buddhists at a Buddhist livestream broadcast once a week, and I get to chat with folks or greet them in chat I have my Buddhist brothers that greet me chat with me a second or two and my nice zen Buddhist brothers who chatted spiritual zen chat with me. As long as I can stay in a space with my Zen and Mystery school brothers where we are talking about spiritual matter I'm ok. I just have to make boundaries.

I got there early last time and only guy was there who was in charge and arranging chairs and stuff in the room.I was alone with him in a room which I like to avoid alone personal time with guys, however it went well. As long as I am talking Zen and spirituality and that's all we spoke about its good.

But I am enjoying being able to socialize and greet and speak spirituality with my brothers without being reminded of the fact that I am a sex addict. Its really nice. I like the women too. I have a woman monk who speaks to us on livestream FRiday nights. Shes pretty cool.

Anyways got my fingers crossed here's hoping for more interaction with people and making new friends at my places of spirituality and get my weight down so I can go to retreat YAY ME!




'

 

[Riders]

So I got up to the UPC church. I was able to chant a lot in church though that's not what they'd call it and extreme crying at church helped me to let out my feelings about my situation. Truthfully some of the extreme worship at church helped me to clear up my mind and become calm and more peaceful.

But for awhile I had a hard time with the alter calls at regular churches earlier in my youth, I use to verbally accept Jesus over and over and I expected Jesus and God to clear up my problems magically and it never happened for me and I could not understand.

SO while I disagree with the UPC churches way of being saved- Acts2:38 one of their bible verses says to repent and be ye baptized int he name of Jesus and ye shall receive the gift of the Holy Spirit. UPC interprets that gift as being tongue talking, so get baptized the right way not in the name of the Father Son and Holy GHost repent and speak in tongues and your saved,

Its wrong of course. But the thing of it is, they introduced a theory to me I started taking on one positive thing that could be taken from that that still shapes my ideas. The idea of working for your salvation, but I call it my inner Godself, I have to get up and do the work to be happy, it does not happen magically by a magical God, if I want to be happy I have to get up and do the work.

For that reason I am glad I went tot he UPC church. Anyways, I started working at burger king, was there 6 months and had perfect attendance. I quit and at age 36 went to beauty school, I had a lot of issues, I wore the standard Pentecostal dress code, dresses long hair not cutting it no makeup yea, the director of the beauty school did not like me, and I think she wanted me to quit.

I had fights with her and my parents were fighting a lot and they did not agree with me going to beauty school.So I got tired of it and me not being treated for mental health issues, I ran away, walked away from school and got on the highway to Balch Springs.

So I started raining so I got off the highway in Balch Springs Tx, all of a sudden I saw a sea of 18 wheeler trucks. I was tired out of it, mentally ill paranoid.

So I should have kept walking and walking,I could have found the travel center, truckers lounge gone in and called my parents i thought about it and I should have.

But instead I did something stupid. I walked up to a truck and banged ont he door. Little did I know that this is what prostitutes do, when a trucker sees a woman especially a young woman( I was 28 but i looked 16 then) knocking on their door, its usually a lot lizzard!

Anyways the guy opened his door and said " get in here quick get out of the rain" so I did. It was a nice big truck big seat. '
I started to talk to him about my situation and he was like yea I've heard all that before I understand.
He then told me he could not keep me over night because the laws said if he stayed over night at the place he was at they were not allowed to keep women there.

I guess the Balch Springs location does not allow the men to keep women, but they can pick up a woman and leave with them.


That's not the law the rules of that trucker lounge and they are still here today, that trucker lounge in Balch Springs. Anyways, they used CB radios back then, he got on the cb radio to find someone to take me in, he described me as being over weight, I weighed 240 back then,

someone said back " send me somebody hot not looking for a fat girl" he replied back" what do you think this is Hollywood? Shes pretty cute would make someone good company, Id keep her myself". After I heard that I realized he was pimping me out and I did not have the ability to say no. I was sick and tired as it was.

SO he told me how to find the guy. He was on a certain row, I just had to count the rows and then he would leave his door open. So I found him, he was a big guy and had a partner.

He had sex with me gave me food a place to sleep they took me out to eat bought me beer,the other guy, his CB handle, I still remember it, was Blue. So I called him blue and was only with them a day, Blue did not have sex with me, but we slept together in the bed in the back. They had a small refrigerator in their truck, some trucks do.


They gave me about 12 bucks for sex, then told me to sit out on the step to wait for them while they were getting groceries. I tried to call my parents when they asked me where i was I did not know I was in another state.

Little did I know I was really sitting out there so truckers could look at me lust and pick me up. Another guy came by and got me. So I went with him.

He was a creep and kind of scary, I was afraid of him, he was preaching Jesus coming back to the men on the road.
He scared me,I thought he might be a serial killer. While I was with him listening to the radio they said 2 girls, last seen at trucking lounges went missing.tobecontinued