Question for the polyamorous

[Manoah]

I just watched a YouTube video posted by someone who works with magick, archetypes, and personified deity and who is very much in love with a partner in an open relationship. She identifies as "polyamorous."

The question came to me as to whether anything would constitute being unethical in these types of relationships--breaking promises, not giving care and attention, or dishonesty, I suppose? Does anyone with experience know if there are typical issues among polyamorous relationships?

Just curious. Thanks for any insight!

 

[Polymath257]

Each polyamorous relationship makes its own set of agreements. Going against those agreements is considered unethical. But each relationship is different as to what is in those agreements.

For example, there are usually agreements concerning safety: with whom should you use barrier protection? There are often agreements concerning how often and where to meet various partners. There may be agreements about birthdays and holidays.

In almost all poly relationships, dishonesty is considered highly unethical, although some have a don't ask/don't tell policy. And yes, breaking promises is also highly unethical. The point is that there are different promises than most people make. It is still a violation of trust to go against and agreement.

As for qualifications: I identify as poly and currently have two partners. Both of my partners also have other partners.

 

[Manoah]

Thanks for explaining, Polymath257. This makes perfect sense, that "there are different promises than most people make" and that trust can still be violated. It sounds like kindness and forgiveness, ethics and justice still come into play.

 

[Polymath257]

Thanks for explaining, Polymath257. This makes perfect sense, that "there are different promises than most people make" and that trust can still be violated. It sounds like kindness and forgiveness, ethics and justice still come into play.

Very much so. There is a lot more emphasis on communication and being respectful of one another.

There is also an umbrella term: ethical non-monogamy. This encompasses polyamory (where the emphasis is on loving other partners) and swinging (where the emphasis is more on the sexual aspect). In all cases, abiding by agreements is central to the ethical aspect.

 

[Manoah]

Here's a thoughtful response from Ray, a member who can't post in this section:

Yes there are some things are consider unethical. It depends on the relationship as to what the boundaries are. Polyamory is not the same as cheating. It is where more then 2 people are in a romantic relationship with the consent and knowledge of all involved. Sometimes it's one person dating 2 different people who aren't dating each other or all 3(or more) people are dating each other.See here: https://atouchofflavor.com/polyamory/what-the-heck-is-polyamory-part-3-how-structures
If you break that rule in any polyamorous relationship then it's cheating not polyamory. There has to be consent between all people involve to be in the relationship. You would not ethically lie in these relationships anymore then you would in a regular relationship. There are boundaries like in all relationships and it would not be ethical to cross known boundaries without asking or discussing it. It would be a bad idea not to talk about jealous if it arises. That could possibly destroy the relationships. You would need to be as open and as honest with each other as possible. Communication as with any relationship is key. You would have to discuss emotional needs with each other. Every polyamorous or any ethical non-monogamous relationship is different. I would be ok in an open relationship where my romantic partner goes outside the relationship for sex because I'm asexual and if they decided that they wanted to be in a polyamorous relationship and the person they are with is ok with it then I would definitively consider it. But that's just me. Any other questions?And did i answer your question properly?

 

[VoidCat]

Here's a thoughtful response from Ray, a member who can't post in this section:

Yes there are some things are consider unethical. It depends on the relationship as to what the boundaries are. Polyamory is not the same as cheating. It is where more then 2 people are in a romantic relationship with the consent and knowledge of all involved. Sometimes it's one person dating 2 different people who aren't dating each other or all 3(or more) people are dating each other.See here: What the Heck is Polyamory: Part 3 - How (Structures) - Touch of Flavor
If you break that rule in any polyamorous relationship then it's cheating not polyamory. There has to be consent between all people involve to be in the relationship. You would not ethically lie in these relationships anymore then you would in a regular relationship. There are boundaries like in all relationships and it would not be ethical to cross known boundaries without asking or discussing it. It would be a bad idea not to talk about jealous if it arises. That could possibly destroy the relationships. You would need to be as open and as honest with each other as possible. Communication as with any relationship is key. You would have to discuss emotional needs with each other. Every polyamorous or any ethical non-monogamous relationship is different. I would be ok in an open relationship where my romantic partner goes outside the relationship for sex because I'm asexual and if they decided that they wanted to be in a polyamorous relationship and the person they are with is ok with it then I would definitively consider it. But that's just me. Any other questions?And did i answer your question properly?

Hee hee I can post here now cuz my beliefs have changed. No longer a quaker

 

[Kafkaesque]

All of these responses are 100% accurate to my decade long experience in polyamorous relationships. By choosing this relationship style you are agreeing to engage in a romantic relationship with several people with lots of communication involved, especially when things are first starting out. The protocols for sexual encounters, engaging in new relationships, any casual extra-relationship sexual activity (the list goes on forever) can, should, and hopefully will be discussed before any such activity takes place and should be discussed throughout the relationship as the people in the circle change. Because things will change and so will you and the people you love, that's life.

A friend of mine asked rather flippantly how breaking up with someone works, "is it like Survivor?" Unfortunately, this does come up and in my experience it was a unanimous decision to all break up with the person in question as we were all dating her at the time. Communication is key and the only way to resolve an issue is to talk through it.