Question for people with good social skills

[The Sum of Awe]

As a person with social anxiety I am asking to compare a neurotypical mind with my own.

Would you say you hold things back? Filter out thoughts as to not appear obnoxious or annoying, or because you don't think people want to talk about those certain things?

What things do you filter out and how do you know what to filter and what not to filter?

I've recently learned that I shouldn't talk about deep things like emotions, spirituality, religion, etc. too often. But I also have an overactive imagination and think of things like this almost all the time. I'm often in my head about this novel I'm writing but I don't often talk about it because I feel like it's not something people care to hear about (and I'm selective of who I do tell about it, but I understand the reason behind that)

I've brought up topics like these a couple times and will again, but just very seldom like I think they should be. I usually, in fact, wait until the topics come up naturally (which isn't as often as I'd like to discuss these things but I guess patience is a virtue so I don't come across as annoying).

I feel like most people that initiate conversation are looking to discuss 'fun' things like music, movies, things they did over the weekend, things happening in their life (that don't relate to touchy-feely subjects like depression or anxiety) and in fact if I were to talk about anxiety and depression, I always would like to talk about them in a more positive light about how good I've been about treating them; so it wouldn't be broody if that makes it any more socially acceptable?

I don't really know, I feel like a lot of conversations people like to have fall under 'small talk'. Am I wrong?

I'm just very bad at making friends and I'm not sure what I'm doing wrong. I've tried holding a lot of this back, and I'm very shy (that's probably a big reason why I can't make friends and people avoid me) and I don't think I come across as a downer since I always talk positively and kind to others and wear a smile on my face - maybe I'm being too kind and positive? Too happy? I don't know. How do I figure this out? I've been thinking about asking someone but I feel like that'd be a tough thing to ask someone.

I am getting good at discussing music with people (although my tastes are sorta particular and estranged), great at talking movies and TV shows, and honestly I've gotten a lot better at just improvising during almost any conversation topic but.... people still don't want to hang out with me outside of work for some reason. I wish I knew what I was lacking. Is it because I'm holding too much back? I guess it's hard for you to diagnose since you don't know me in real life but, just had to pour my mind out here and hope there's some answers. Thank you.

 

[JustGeorge]

At one time, I had crippling social anxiety. It really sucks. I'm sorry you're going through it. Its good you're working through it, though.

Not sure if I'm neurotypical or not, though.

I've recently learned that I shouldn't talk about deep things like emotions, spirituality, religion, etc. too often. But I also have an overactive imagination and think of things like this almost all the time. I'm often in my head about this novel I'm writing but I don't often talk about it because I feel like it's not something people care to hear about (and I'm selective of who I do tell about it, but I understand the reason behind that)

I've brought up topics like these a couple times and will again, but just very seldom like I think they should be. I usually, in fact, wait until the topics come up naturally (which isn't as often as I'd like to discuss these things but I guess patience is a virtue so I don't come across as annoying).

I think you should come talk to me! I could happily talk all day about spirituality, religion, and emotions. I couldn't care less what people are watching on TV/YouTube(or other small talk subjects, other than maybe the weather).

I don't really know, I feel like a lot of conversations people like to have fall under 'small talk'. Am I wrong?

I think you're right. Actually, all you've said you noticed here about conversations seems both insightful and correct.

I'm just very bad at making friends and I'm not sure what I'm doing wrong. I've tried holding a lot of this back, and I'm very shy (that's probably a big reason why I can't make friends and people avoid me) and I don't think I come across as a downer since I always talk positively and kind to others and wear a smile on my face - maybe I'm being too kind and positive? Too happy? I don't know. How do I figure this out? I've been thinking about asking someone but I feel like that'd be a tough thing to ask someone.

Holy crap! I see you live in Iowa. Me too! After also struggling for years to make friends, I realized(and my therapist agrees)... Iowa culture is hard to make friends in. It is all superficial. People here don't hang out to hang out past a certain age(and I think you're hitting it) other than very scheduled and regimented activities.

After seeing your location, I want you to know I strongly feel its not you... its them. And my therapist agrees!

 

[Bathos Logos]

As a person with social anxiety I am asking to compare a neurotypical mind with my own.

Fair warning, I would classify my own social skills as "fair". However, I most often chalk up much of what I seem to be "lacking" to be the fault of a society that has established mostly arbitrary "rules" that I often refuse to subscribe to.

Would you say you hold things back? Filter out thoughts as to not appear obnoxious or annoying, or because you don't think people want to talk about those certain things?

I very, very often hold things back, yes. One has to. Having absolutely no filter, I would have insulted and enraged even members of my closest family at times. You have to push such thoughts through an appropriate filter, that scrubs them of any visceral reactions one has to things, and puts it in a practical and rational frame of reference - such that there are nothing but valid reasons and good-intentioned criticisms that are presented in the end. Anyone who denies that they have knee-jerk, visceral reactions to things in their mind that wouldn't be received well by the party being viewed is probably lying.

What things do you filter out and how do you know what to filter and what not to filter?

I make it a point not to criticize the behavior of others if it doesn't have direct negative consequences to someone (or something) else. If it is just something that I, personally, don't do or don't think is necessary, then there is no rational reason for me to bring it up. Only irrational reasons: like thinking that my ways are somehow "better" by some default.

I also filter a lot of my views on politics, religion and biology/physiology. I think all sorts of things. I say very few of them. I have a feeling most everyone operates this way. If anyone has ever taken a moment to compose their thoughts before speaking, then they are operating this way - and I feel that you'd be hard-pressed to find someone who doesn't relate to that type of situation.

I've recently learned that I shouldn't talk about deep things like emotions, spirituality, religion, etc. too often. But I also have an overactive imagination and think of things like this almost all the time. I'm often in my head about this novel I'm writing but I don't often talk about it because I feel like it's not something people care to hear about (and I'm selective of who I do tell about it, but I understand the reason behind that)

This gets to what I referenced earlier about "mostly arbitrary rules" that societies tend to have about discussion topics with people they aren't entirely familiar with. There are a select few people I have met in my lifetime who were able to just pick up a deep conversation with a stranger and hold their own without bowing out uncomfortably, or glossing over until they can excuse themselves.

However, even I have trouble listening to things like another person's dreams (as an example). Because my mind immediately understands that the story being told didn't actually happen, it becomes extremely unimportant. To the point that, unless something very interesting was happening in the dream (something comedic, or symbolically relevant, or macabre, or clever) then I get tired of hearing about it really, really quickly. So you do have to be wary of not boring the crap out of your intended audience. And that brings up another point: make your points or stories as brief as possible, and give adequate "breathing room" in the conversation for your conversation partner to be able to say or interject some things as well. I've been in conversations with people who do this annoying thing where, if you try to interject something relevant in order to relate to them or acknowledge that you understand what they are saying (no matter how short), they just begin talking more loudly. For me, interruption or interjection is only annoying if the person intends on taking over the conversation from that point. If someone interjects a funny comment, or gives an exclamation of agreement, this is completely acceptable, and can even enhance the conversation experience.

I've brought up topics like these a couple times and will again, but just very seldom like I think they should be. I usually, in fact, wait until the topics come up naturally (which isn't as often as I'd like to discuss these things but I guess patience is a virtue so I don't come across as annoying).

Steering a conversation can be tricky, I agree. And you always need to watch out for and take advantage of those transition points, because things move quickly, and you'll find yourself on the wrong end of "relevant" in a few seconds if you aren't careful.

I feel like most people that initiate conversation are looking to discuss 'fun' things like music, movies, things they did over the weekend, things happening in their life (that don't relate to touchy-feely subjects like depression or anxiety) and in fact if I were to talk about anxiety and depression, I always would like to talk about them in a more positive light about how good I've been about treating them; so it wouldn't be broody if that makes it any more socially acceptable?

I don't really know, I feel like a lot of conversations people like to have fall under 'small talk'. Am I wrong?

This is my experience as well with the "small talk". Though I do try not to discuss my personal problems or issues with people unless it is directly related to the topic of the conversation - which usually means that they bring something up first. And again, I try to relay most points on personally-applicable topics with maximum brevity. Keep it short, because people will easily start to think you just like talking about yourself.

I'm just very bad at making friends and I'm not sure what I'm doing wrong. I've tried holding a lot of this back, and I'm very shy (that's probably a big reason why I can't make friends and people avoid me) and I don't think I come across as a downer since I always talk positively and kind to others and wear a smile on my face - maybe I'm being too kind and positive? Too happy? I don't know. How do I figure this out? I've been thinking about asking someone but I feel like that'd be a tough thing to ask someone.

I used to wonder if there was something "wrong" with me, because I didn't have many friends, and a lot of people would talk about their own lack of friends with such disdain and sadness. I didn't really feel sad, or lonely, and I wondered if this was some problem with me. I finally just ditched that idea entirely, and don't care if I don't have friends. Most people aren't worth being actual "friends" with anyway, unfortunately.

I am getting good at discussing music with people (although my tastes are sorta particular and estranged), great at talking movies and TV shows, and honestly I've gotten a lot better at just improvising during almost any conversation topic but.... people still don't want to hang out with me outside of work for some reason. I wish I knew what I was lacking. Is it because I'm holding too much back? I guess it's hard for you to diagnose since you don't know me in real life but, just had to pour my mind out here and hope there's some answers. Thank you.

I've found that sometimes people want to know you're interested in them. That you find them interesting, and want to hang out with them. If you don't display that, then they are perhaps unsure if you are only in the relationship for your own needs/desires for companionship, and that it maybe has nothing to do with them in particular perhaps? That seems very plausible at least, and in my experience, people get excited when you are excited about them.

 

[ChristineM]

As a person with social anxiety I am asking to compare a neurotypical mind with my own

Neurowhat??? Me??? Nah.

Would you say you hold things back?

Sometimes

What things do you filter out and how do you know what to filter and what not to filter?

Things the the other person doesn't want to hear. Not so difficult. It's the same stuff you don't want to hear.

I've recently learned that I shouldn't talk about deep things like emotions, spirituality, religion, etc. too often.

Depends on who you are talking to. Some like deep talk.

I'm often in my head about this novel I'm writing but I don't often talk about it because I feel like it's not something people care to hear about

If you don't think people care about a novel you are writing then why write it. Put out feelers. Ask if they would like to preview it and offer advice, people will be thrilled (i would anyway)

I don't really know, I feel like a lot of conversations people like to have fall under 'small talk'. Am I wrong

No, you ain't wrong.

I'm just very bad at making friends and I'm not sure what I'm doing

I can't really comment but see @JustGeorge post. It may be your area

I've gotten a lot better at just improvising during almost any conversation topic

There ya go.

guess it's hard for you to diagnose since you don't know me in real life

I only know what you post on here and you come across as intelligent and interesting.

Now for the therapist in me (amateur at best) i think you are being too hard on yourself, too stressed. Relax a little and let it happen

 

[Mock Turtle]

As a person with social anxiety I am asking to compare a neurotypical mind with my own.

Would you say you hold things back? Filter out thoughts as to not appear obnoxious or annoying, or because you don't think people want to talk about those certain things?

What things do you filter out and how do you know what to filter and what not to filter?

I've recently learned that I shouldn't talk about deep things like emotions, spirituality, religion, etc. too often. But I also have an overactive imagination and think of things like this almost all the time. I'm often in my head about this novel I'm writing but I don't often talk about it because I feel like it's not something people care to hear about (and I'm selective of who I do tell about it, but I understand the reason behind that)

I've brought up topics like these a couple times and will again, but just very seldom like I think they should be. I usually, in fact, wait until the topics come up naturally (which isn't as often as I'd like to discuss these things but I guess patience is a virtue so I don't come across as annoying).

I feel like most people that initiate conversation are looking to discuss 'fun' things like music, movies, things they did over the weekend, things happening in their life (that don't relate to touchy-feely subjects like depression or anxiety) and in fact if I were to talk about anxiety and depression, I always would like to talk about them in a more positive light about how good I've been about treating them; so it wouldn't be broody if that makes it any more socially acceptable?

I don't really know, I feel like a lot of conversations people like to have fall under 'small talk'. Am I wrong?

I'm just very bad at making friends and I'm not sure what I'm doing wrong. I've tried holding a lot of this back, and I'm very shy (that's probably a big reason why I can't make friends and people avoid me) and I don't think I come across as a downer since I always talk positively and kind to others and wear a smile on my face - maybe I'm being too kind and positive? Too happy? I don't know. How do I figure this out? I've been thinking about asking someone but I feel like that'd be a tough thing to ask someone.

I am getting good at discussing music with people (although my tastes are sorta particular and estranged), great at talking movies and TV shows, and honestly I've gotten a lot better at just improvising during almost any conversation topic but.... people still don't want to hang out with me outside of work for some reason. I wish I knew what I was lacking. Is it because I'm holding too much back? I guess it's hard for you to diagnose since you don't know me in real life but, just had to pour my mind out here and hope there's some answers. Thank you.

Given all that follows is purely my diagnosis and beliefs about my own personal experiences and behaviour, and I have had no professional intervention directed towards any of my issues, you can treat the following as you like. And perhaps I'm not as neurotypical as I think I am. I do think I have researched the various areas sufficiently so as for my interpretations to be valid for myself though, but can't obviously project this onto others necessarily. But I offer such as an older and hopefully wiser person than I was.

I can perhaps see some of myself in your description - at least in the past - and where any Social Anxiety was present, along with Depression and self-diagnosed Avoidant Personality Disorder. What I have noticed, as I have seemingly become more neurotypical, is that my emotionality and empathy has tended to align with what might be expected of more 'normal' individuals and where this might not have been so before when suffering from the issues mentioned. For example, I will find myself becoming more tearful or actually crying a lot easier when sad things or distress are witnessed and also the opposite, as to experiencing the joys of success and achievement, when such might not and probably would not have been the case earlier. I did notice this changing over a long period of time but I don't think it was an effect of ageing.

So perhaps one thing I could suggest, even if it might not be an issue, is doing some online tests to check for emotional IQ and empathy, and which might lead to getting professional opinion as to such. I don't know if this was the direct cause of my becoming more relaxed and less inhibited, but even though I might be just as likely to not want small talk as you have mentioned, it hardly bothers me, and I don't tend to judge others because of this. I think this is just one facet of being more intelligent than most. Another thing I have noticed, is that even if I might still get angry (often knowingly directed) I am able to switch such off as required, so still very much in control. So perhaps showing that I have gained more control over whatever is available to me as a means of expression.

I can't comment on much of what you have said specifically, but the issue of too much thinking being a pain (because it often derails much else), to me does seem to be dissolved when one becomes more natural as to emotionality and empathy, and where this tends to be first in line rather than the thinking - even if such might appear to be less useful. Given that this is more normal in most others I think - responding emotionally first.

I should add that I was a quite a shy child, but usually making sufficient friends even into early adulthood since I would probably have been regarded as a 'nice' person, but I then became more withdrawn and introverted later due to various reasons. This too has seemingly gone, given that I tend to be more balanced in most personality testing.

Hope this might be of some use.