Claim: listening to a certain song over and over (in certain circumstances) shaped the psychotic breakdown I suffered in 2004 and drove me deeper into insanity. That is the subject of this OP.
I will show you how a perfectly innocent song shaped the events of my 2004 psychotic breakdown.
Whenever we listen to music we relate to it personally. How we understand it is based on who we are and it can become part of our lives.
It comes to mean things to us, personally. We understand it in our own way, according to who we are. We associate it with a certain time, place, and set of friends. Some songs become personal anthems, which remind us of these.
But when a person becomes psychotic they believe music (and books, film, TV, etc.) deliberately refer to them! That is a common symptom of psychosis. They then go about treating the song (or book, film, TV program) as though it is aimed at them personally, even though it obviously isn’t
When I've been unwell I've had whole television news bulletins directed at me personally!
This has happened to me a lot. With radio, TV, and film, especially in 2004. I know what it’s like.
But thankfully this no longer happens!
In 2004 I endured an acute and highly distressing psychotic breakdown, when I was at university
But one particular song caught my attention - it’s a song called “Utopia” by the band Goldfrapp. It was released in 2000 but I first heard it in 2004. It can be found on the album “Felt Mountain”
I want to make it clear, that I don’t think this song was written for or about me - I think I got out of it stuff that was not put into it owing to my psychotic state of mind and that it went on to shape my psychosis
Basically, what happened was, I shut myself up in my study bedroom and tried to figure out how the human mind works, by using diagrams and flow-charts - to help me become more sociable and outgoing!
I thought I was “brainstorming” ideas in a “flow of consciousness” but I think that in reality I was practicing “automatic writing” - which is an occult practice that it’s best to keep away from. I believe I ended up channeling something more sinister than my own imagination!
I was trying to open my mind and to become a better more intelligent person. But I think what happened was, I opened a door that let stuff into my psyche that would not normally have entered it - I suppose I lost control?
I also listened to music, and took illegal drugs. The drugs heightened my appreciation of music and helped me with my automatic writing - and made me psychotic. None of this would have happened without the drugs!
All this made me highly suggestible and not at all self-aware
Here are the lyrics to Utopia:
Goldfrapp - Utopia Lyrics | AZLyrics.com
And here is the video
There is a line in this song that goes “fascist baby, utopia”. For some reason this got stuck in my head as “fresh as baked beans, utopia”, so I thought to myself “What does fresh as baked beans mean? Surely baked beans aren’t fresh at all, they come out of steel cans!” - this made me revisit the song and pay attention to the actual lyrics as it just didn’t make sense to me. I then realised that I’d initially misheard them.
I think this song worked its way subliminally into my mind:
Make him live like me
Again and again
The “like me” from the first line went into my head as “like me” - as in “be fond of me”, as opposed to as “in a way that resembles me” as I think the word “like” actually means in this lyric
And that “again and again” entered my sub-conscious to make me play the song over and over - again and again - almost obsessively. I believe at this time I was highly suggestible!
I think those lyrics served to make me “like” the song and to make me listen to it “again and again” - all subconsciously
But what is the actual theme of the song?
Fascist baby
Utopia, utopia
Before I went to university I wanted to be the communist dictator of a European super-state. Not realistic, I know. Especially with the socio-phobia I suffered from back then. But even after I abandoned such dreams I must admit that I did fancy myself as being a leader of men! - and it would have been a better investment of my energies had I wanted to make the world a better place rather than accumulate power - if I wanted to bring about a Utopia, rather than be an authoritarian leader. That would have made me a better class of person, certainly.
I took “fascist baby” to be addressing me, and “utopia” to be a command - Fascist Baby: Utopia!
My dog needs new ears
Make his eyes see forever
“Dog” means “subordinate being” - and “make his eyes see forever” means give him a vision! Let him see the big picture! - more on this later
I'm wired to the world
That's how I know everything
I'm super brain
That's how they made me
The whole song is written from the perspective of a higher being. Who wants a lower being (i.e. a dog) to somehow change for the better. I believe that a higher being has guided me, who wanted to give me a Utopian vision, to work towards. And I believe that higher being is a kind of “super-brain” who is “wired to the world”. “That’s how they made me” indicates that this higher being is a created being, rather than God. Throughout my breakdown I sensed the influence of a higher power who I believe wanted me to change ("see forever") - eventually this influence began communicating with me directly! I believe this song acted as a catalyst, to make this happen!
It's a strange day
No colors or shapes
No sound in my head
I forget who I am
“No sound in my head” is easy - the unseen being who communicates with me does so through tactile sensations. I think that “I forget who I am” reinforces the rest of the brain-washing, in that it made me think this song was targeted at me - so I forgot who I was and imagine myself as something else - the “dog”, or the “fascist baby”
Also, I believe the words “in my head” have the subliminal effect of making the song get stuck “in my head” - as it did with the inaccurate lyric “fresh as baked beans”.
So, it gets stuck “in my head” and I want to play it “again and again”
When I'm with you
There's no reason
There's no sense
In my breakdown I specifically renounced the faculty of reason and chose to listen to my imagination rather than my senses. I did this because of the diagrams I drew about how the mind works, in which “reason” was a certain cognitive faculty, and “sense” meant sensory inputs. I believed that I listened to intuition and imagination rather than reason and sense - and I think I thought this because of the influence of this song. At the time I did not appreciate this influence. It made me shut down my sense of reason and ignore my senses! - it made me more psychotic.
I was introduced to the music of Goldfrapp by a friend and associated this music with her. I would later suspect that I was supposed to get this song from her. When I was on the psychiatric ward she gave me a home-made copied CD of the album Felt Mountain. She handed it me. But I already owned a copy. I would later think she gave it me to symbolise the fact that she had introduced the song to me. I would later think she was my “illuminati handler”.
No, I am not claiming this song was directed at me.
It’s just that it influenced me in a very bizarre way and shaped the course of my breakdown.
((click here to visit my website/blog))
I will show you how a perfectly innocent song shaped the events of my 2004 psychotic breakdown.
Whenever we listen to music we relate to it personally. How we understand it is based on who we are and it can become part of our lives.
It comes to mean things to us, personally. We understand it in our own way, according to who we are. We associate it with a certain time, place, and set of friends. Some songs become personal anthems, which remind us of these.
But when a person becomes psychotic they believe music (and books, film, TV, etc.) deliberately refer to them! That is a common symptom of psychosis. They then go about treating the song (or book, film, TV program) as though it is aimed at them personally, even though it obviously isn’t
When I've been unwell I've had whole television news bulletins directed at me personally!
This has happened to me a lot. With radio, TV, and film, especially in 2004. I know what it’s like.
But thankfully this no longer happens!
In 2004 I endured an acute and highly distressing psychotic breakdown, when I was at university
But one particular song caught my attention - it’s a song called “Utopia” by the band Goldfrapp. It was released in 2000 but I first heard it in 2004. It can be found on the album “Felt Mountain”
I want to make it clear, that I don’t think this song was written for or about me - I think I got out of it stuff that was not put into it owing to my psychotic state of mind and that it went on to shape my psychosis
Basically, what happened was, I shut myself up in my study bedroom and tried to figure out how the human mind works, by using diagrams and flow-charts - to help me become more sociable and outgoing!
I thought I was “brainstorming” ideas in a “flow of consciousness” but I think that in reality I was practicing “automatic writing” - which is an occult practice that it’s best to keep away from. I believe I ended up channeling something more sinister than my own imagination!
I was trying to open my mind and to become a better more intelligent person. But I think what happened was, I opened a door that let stuff into my psyche that would not normally have entered it - I suppose I lost control?
I also listened to music, and took illegal drugs. The drugs heightened my appreciation of music and helped me with my automatic writing - and made me psychotic. None of this would have happened without the drugs!
All this made me highly suggestible and not at all self-aware
Here are the lyrics to Utopia:
Goldfrapp - Utopia Lyrics | AZLyrics.com
And here is the video
There is a line in this song that goes “fascist baby, utopia”. For some reason this got stuck in my head as “fresh as baked beans, utopia”, so I thought to myself “What does fresh as baked beans mean? Surely baked beans aren’t fresh at all, they come out of steel cans!” - this made me revisit the song and pay attention to the actual lyrics as it just didn’t make sense to me. I then realised that I’d initially misheard them.
I think this song worked its way subliminally into my mind:
Make him live like me
Again and again
The “like me” from the first line went into my head as “like me” - as in “be fond of me”, as opposed to as “in a way that resembles me” as I think the word “like” actually means in this lyric
And that “again and again” entered my sub-conscious to make me play the song over and over - again and again - almost obsessively. I believe at this time I was highly suggestible!
I think those lyrics served to make me “like” the song and to make me listen to it “again and again” - all subconsciously
But what is the actual theme of the song?
Fascist baby
Utopia, utopia
Before I went to university I wanted to be the communist dictator of a European super-state. Not realistic, I know. Especially with the socio-phobia I suffered from back then. But even after I abandoned such dreams I must admit that I did fancy myself as being a leader of men! - and it would have been a better investment of my energies had I wanted to make the world a better place rather than accumulate power - if I wanted to bring about a Utopia, rather than be an authoritarian leader. That would have made me a better class of person, certainly.
I took “fascist baby” to be addressing me, and “utopia” to be a command - Fascist Baby: Utopia!
My dog needs new ears
Make his eyes see forever
“Dog” means “subordinate being” - and “make his eyes see forever” means give him a vision! Let him see the big picture! - more on this later
I'm wired to the world
That's how I know everything
I'm super brain
That's how they made me
The whole song is written from the perspective of a higher being. Who wants a lower being (i.e. a dog) to somehow change for the better. I believe that a higher being has guided me, who wanted to give me a Utopian vision, to work towards. And I believe that higher being is a kind of “super-brain” who is “wired to the world”. “That’s how they made me” indicates that this higher being is a created being, rather than God. Throughout my breakdown I sensed the influence of a higher power who I believe wanted me to change ("see forever") - eventually this influence began communicating with me directly! I believe this song acted as a catalyst, to make this happen!
It's a strange day
No colors or shapes
No sound in my head
I forget who I am
“No sound in my head” is easy - the unseen being who communicates with me does so through tactile sensations. I think that “I forget who I am” reinforces the rest of the brain-washing, in that it made me think this song was targeted at me - so I forgot who I was and imagine myself as something else - the “dog”, or the “fascist baby”
Also, I believe the words “in my head” have the subliminal effect of making the song get stuck “in my head” - as it did with the inaccurate lyric “fresh as baked beans”.
So, it gets stuck “in my head” and I want to play it “again and again”
When I'm with you
There's no reason
There's no sense
In my breakdown I specifically renounced the faculty of reason and chose to listen to my imagination rather than my senses. I did this because of the diagrams I drew about how the mind works, in which “reason” was a certain cognitive faculty, and “sense” meant sensory inputs. I believed that I listened to intuition and imagination rather than reason and sense - and I think I thought this because of the influence of this song. At the time I did not appreciate this influence. It made me shut down my sense of reason and ignore my senses! - it made me more psychotic.
I was introduced to the music of Goldfrapp by a friend and associated this music with her. I would later suspect that I was supposed to get this song from her. When I was on the psychiatric ward she gave me a home-made copied CD of the album Felt Mountain. She handed it me. But I already owned a copy. I would later think she gave it me to symbolise the fact that she had introduced the song to me. I would later think she was my “illuminati handler”.
No, I am not claiming this song was directed at me.
It’s just that it influenced me in a very bizarre way and shaped the course of my breakdown.
((click here to visit my website/blog))
