Pray that I die soon. I am ready!

[Spiderman]

I'm just sick of being alive, sick of the chronic aches and pains from my last suicide attempt, and the permanent handicaps, broken bones, metal and screws holding them together, and arthritis. I'm sick of being a drug addict, and a criminal.

My sentencing date was supposed to be today , and was moved back to May 20 , which is more than a year after I committed any crime. I just want it over!

I hate this sick repulsive world I live in, living in chronic poverty, being intelligent, but unable to afford or succeed at College or anything!

I hate the feeling that I'm just sick, disordered, wasting time, wasting potential.

The future will be agony because that has always been the past, and I'm too scared to commit suicide, because my last suicide attempt put me in a wheelchair for 10 weeks, and the suicide attempt before that with a train, got me into trouble.

I suck at suicide obviously, and if I had a gun, I would probably just blow chunks of my skull and face off and survive. Something is keeping me alive!

If God would just be merciful and kill me, I would be so relieved to get cancer that cannot be cured, and know that my only responsibility left, is to prepare for death with a clean conscience and soul.

I hate the fact that my mother never had an abortion! I am sick, and it was time to die long ago. A lot of people never should have been born

My friends are dead ghosts. The people I know in real life are no help, and my friends in real life use drugs.

It's going to be hard to get a job with a criminal record and being hospitalized every year, with bad work ethic with the jobs I have had.

I'm really looking for a way to kill myself where I have no chance of surviving. I thought jumping off a building onto concrete would do the trick. In the end, it only caused far FAR more pain, and permanent handicaps!

Ten weeks in a wheelchair over a suicide attempt, and the risk of never walking again, has made me very scared to attempt suicide again.

But it is simply past time to die! Life is miserable, and the people I love, none of them live in my city. There is no meaning as each day goes by waisting time and potential, waisting life, and seeking a God who hides himself and his desires for me. I wait for clarity and instructions in vain. Maybe if I die today, he will stop hiding from me.

This isn't my home. If there is no purgatory or heaven to go to, all the more reason to hurry up and die, because a hundred years from now, nothing matters to me, and it's just a lot of pain , and a worthless, stupid, annoying impoverished, sick , empty life, and terrible world!

I envy dead corpses, want what they have, to exit this annoying, stupid, needy, hurting body, let it rot!

I long for death more than I long for food or drink. Pray that my heart stops, or that I die very soon! I'm the walking Dead as is, and I have seen enough of this BS!

God please grant me a provided for death, very soon!

 

[Spiderman]

I also have this annoying bipolar that leaves me bedridden. I can't accomplish anything like this. Surely death is a quick cure to bipolar and these many ills, and chronic confusion!

 

[Debater Slayer]

About a year ago, I reached possibly the lowest point in my life and had a gun with live ammo right next to me. Nobody could have stopped me from ending things right then and there had I decided to do so. That was during my conscription period at the height of my mental and physical exhaustion, accompanied by homesickness. Sometimes I wonder how I made it past that point, but here we are.

You can PM me anytime if you want to talk, Matt. Suicidal ideation is a long-term burden, but you have already made it through so much. You may look back on this later and also feel astonished by how much you could survive through.

 

[ChristineM]

I really don't know what to say to this Matt other than you have made it this far, you have kicked your drug habit and are a decent, caring human being. Just hold in there

 

[Aštra’el]

Heal thyself.

I understand the appeal of death. There is also an appeal to life. It is cruel, as you have learned, but it is also beautiful. You know this. Try not to forget it.

 

[JustGeorge]

I'm sick of being a drug addict, and a criminal.

These are just labels. They're not who you are... they may describe some actions that you've done, but you're a lot more than that, and you've got a lot more good in you than those labels will indicate.

My sentencing date was supposed to be today , and was moved back to May 20 , which is more than a year after I committed any crime. I just want it over!

Our court systems have failed us... so many people can't seem to get their court dates in a timely manner. This is both unfair to the person being accused, its andunfair to society... I don't think for a moment you're a dangerous person, but imagine all the people out there who are, who are running at large, waiting on their court dates... I don't understand the hold up, and why it takes years to process things. Maybe I don't understand the system well enough, but this doesn't seem right.

I hate this sick repulsive world I live in, living in chronic poverty, being intelligent, but unable to afford or succeed at College or anything!

I hate the feeling that I'm just sick, disordered, wasting time, wasting potential.

Its easy to get disgusted with the world, but there's beauty in it. Help it shine through, so those who are willing and able can see it. You've got goodness in your heart to share.

These things take awhile, and I know its hard for an Aries to wait, but please try to be patient.

The future will be agony because that has always been the past, and I'm too scared to commit suicide, because my last suicide attempt put me in a wheelchair for 10 weeks, and the suicide attempt before that with a train, got me into trouble.

There's a saying of "if you always do what you've always done, you'll always get what you always got". Well, you're doing things differently this time. You have no reason to expect the agony you've had in the past, but I know it hard not to anticipate what you're used to.

I suck at suicide obviously, and if I had a gun, I would probably just blow chunks of my skull and face off and survive. Something is keeping me alive!

I think you're here for a reason. The thing you've lived through... well, its a miracle you're here(even if its uncomfortable for you right now).

There is no meaning as each day goes by waisting time and potential, waisting life, and seeking a God who hides himself and his desires for me.

You're not wasting time or potential. You're getting better, getting your life on track, honoring Kami who are all standing firmly behind you, and still seeking an elusive God, which is no small task, and only a job for the very brave, in my opinion.

I long for death more than I long for food or drink. Pray that my heart stops, or that I die very soon! I'm the walking Dead as is, and I have seen enough of this BS!

God please grant me a provided for death, very soon!

I won't pray for this, I'm sorry. But if there's anything else that I can do to help, I would be happy too.

I'm really sorry you're hurting like this...

 

[Treasure Hunter]

The fire will keep causing anguish if we refuse to pick up the sword and divide ourselves. If we refuse to slice off the dead weight, which is the part that seeks belonging, comfort, short term reassurance. The part that seeks quick solutions like suicide.

The part of you that thinks it’s beneficial for you to make this thread - take a deep, honest look at it. See the desire for short term reassurance or comfort. Know this part of you intimately. Then, you will know what needs to be cut off.

 

[The Hammer]

About a year ago, I reached possibly the lowest point in my life and had a gun with live ammo right next to me. Nobody could have stopped me from ending things right then and there had I decided to do so. That was during my conscription period at the height of my mental and physical exhaustion, accompanied by homesickness. Sometimes I wonder how I made it past that point, but here we are.

You can PM me anytime if you want to talk, Matt. Suicidal ideation is a long-term burden, but you have already made it through so much. You may look back on this later and also feel astonished by how much you could survive through.

 

[The Hammer]

I also have this annoying bipolar that leaves me bedridden. I can't accomplish anything like this. Surely death is a quick cure to bipolar and these many ills, and chronic confusion!

We can all heal by climbing the inner mountain. But healing may not always mean or look like what we think. Hold fast and reach out if you need anything.

 

[The Hammer]

I have dealt with years of suicidal ideation. It comes and goes. I've come to an understanding that I am not truly in charge of my own death. No matter how much I may want it.

It seems like you may understand this too.

 

[Spiderman]

About a year ago, I reached possibly the lowest point in my life and had a gun with live ammo right next to me. Nobody could have stopped me from ending things right then and there had I decided to do so. That was during my conscription period at the height of my mental and physical exhaustion, accompanied by homesickness. Sometimes I wonder how I made it past that point, but here we are.

You can PM me anytime if you want to talk, Matt. Suicidal ideation is a long-term burden, but you have already made it through so much. You may look back on this later and also feel astonished by how much you could survive through.

Thank you!

I might PM you, I just have no motivation for anything, with the exception of the prospect of not existing

If I knew a Doctor who could assist me with a guarantee of dying, preferably if it was state-sanctioned, I would die today.

I also was taken off Suboxone completely, and I am still in withdrawal. First they took me off cold turkey for 48 hours on accident, then a quick taper arrived in the mail, but it was a much quicker taper than usual, and I can feel the withdrawals deep in my broken bones, and feel like I'm running a fever.

Withdrawal from Suboxone can last 20 days.

But even after that I will still be sick and disabled, and my PSI report makes me look like a hideous monster, dangerous, like I should be dead or locked up, like a thread to society, only increasing my need to die, so others are not hurt, annoyed, offended , or burdened by me!

Anyway, it is good you are still with us, and sometimes gunshot suicides survive. It is never a guarantee, and there are people missing chunks of their face, skull, or eyes from failed gun suicides. Not ever a good idea .

If you were conscripted by the government, you had to pass some examinations or tests, and been found psychiatrically healthy, stable, in good shape, fit for service.

I would do anything to be found fit and sound enough for government conscription, or be a productive member of society, not a basket case that needs chronic treatment, physical therapy, hospitalizations every year, and sometimes trips behind bars.

Trust me, I have valid reasons for wanting to die, as an act of charity to the people I come into contact with, and how I drain tax payers dollars.

I simply never grew up, and had an extremely disturbing childhood in institutions, and here I am a 35 year old confused, mentally ill child, with shattered bones, and clueless how to make friends who are not drug addicts!

My reasons for craving death are very well warranted! Some people should have never been born! A lot!

 

[Spiderman]

These are just labels. They're not who you are... they may describe some actions that you've done, but you're a lot more than that, and you've got a lot more good in you than those labels will indicate.



Our court systems have failed us... so many people can't seem to get their court dates in a timely manner. This is both unfair to the person being accused, its andunfair to society... I don't think for a moment you're a dangerous person, but imagine all the people out there who are, who are running at large, waiting on their court dates... I don't understand the hold up, and why it takes years to process things. Maybe I don't understand the system well enough, but this doesn't seem right.



Its easy to get disgusted with the world, but there's beauty in it. Help it shine through, so those who are willing and able can see it. You've got goodness in your heart to share.

These things take awhile, and I know its hard for an Aries to wait, but please try to be patient.





There's a saying of "if you always do what you've always done, you'll always get what you always got". Well, you're doing things differently this time. You have no reason to expect the agony you've had in the past, but I know it hard not to anticipate what you're used to.



I think you're here for a reason. The thing you've lived through... well, its a miracle you're here(even if its uncomfortable for you right now).



You're not wasting time or potential. You're getting better, getting your life on track, honoring Kami who are all standing firmly behind you, and still seeking an elusive God, which is no small task, and only a job for the very brave, in my opinion.



I won't pray for this, I'm sorry. But if there's anything else that I can do to help, I would be happy too.

I'm really sorry you're hurting like this...

I love you George! You are possibly the main person in my life that I would list as a reason I should not die. It has been a source of strength conversing with you, and coincidences I have had in my life, that you brought about, strike me as being nothing short of paranormal, and have provided joy , hope, energy, increase in faith etc.

Most people I talk to about my devotion to ghosts who died tragically, the coincidences and connections I make, just think it is crazy, delusional, demonic, creepy, or disturbing!

I'll try to go on for you, I just cannot function sometimes, and so much time is waisted.

Too much to bear sometimes.

I feel I could simply do more as a ghost, a disembodied spirit, more enlightened, closer to the creator, without this needy, annoying, limiting, disgusting , broken body and mind holding me back!

 

[syo]

When I got paranoia, I didn't want to get cure, because I thought I was worthless anyway. I was surprised to see that other people around me wanted for me to be well. I continually asked the psychiatrist, why should I get treatment. I am paranoid, i take my drugs probably for all my life. the conclusion i got is taking care of our body and it's needs please as long as it lasts.

 

[Treasure Hunter]

Valid reasons are simply reasons that the rational voice claims as truth. It doesn’t mean they are truth.

The soul is to become lost before it can find its real home. Panic is the enemy trying to cause you to resist this truth.

 

[Treasure Hunter]

One more comment:
The more tragic your story is / has been, then the more worthy your redemption story will be.

 

[JustGeorge]

I love you George! You are possibly the main person in my life that I would list as a reason I should not die. It has been a source of strength conversing with you, and coincidences I have had in my life, that you brought about, strike me as being nothing short of paranormal, and have provided joy , hope, energy, increase in faith etc.

And I love you, too! You're one of my favorites, online or offline! You are a never ending source of inspiration and thought provoking conversation. You have a unique perspective, and the world needs you.

Most people I talk to about my devotion to ghosts who died tragically, the coincidences and connections I make, just think it is crazy, delusional, demonic, creepy, or disturbing!

Many people can't stand when someone relates to the world differently than they do. Don't let them disturb you. They just don't understand, and many people fear what they don't 'get'.

so much time is waisted.

You're not wasting time, you're healing and getting things in order. I know, it can seem dull and make you feel inactive, but there's a lot of activity going on behind the scenes.

Too much to bear sometimes.

I feel I could simply do more as a ghost, a disembodied spirit, more enlightened, closer to the creator, without this needy, annoying, limiting, disgusting , broken body and mind holding me back!

It is a lot to bear, and I'm sorry.

I think, for whatever it is you're meant to do, you're going to need a body. Otherwise, the power that be would have let you shed it by now.

Just hold on, better days are coming.

 

[Spiderman]

And I love you, too! You're one of my favorites, online or offline! You are a never ending source of inspiration and thought provoking conversation. You have a unique perspective, and the world needs you.



Many people can't stand when someone relates to the world differently than they do. Don't let them disturb you. They just don't understand, and many people fear what they don't 'get'.



You're not wasting time, you're healing and getting things in order. I know, it can seem dull and make you feel inactive, but there's a lot of activity going on behind the scenes.



It is a lot to bear, and I'm sorry.

I think, for whatever it is you're meant to do, you're going to need a body. Otherwise, the power that be would have let you shed it by now.

Just hold on, better days are coming.

I needed to hear that George! You give Aries, I mean the God with a bad reputation, you give him such a good name, the only one I ever met who gives him a good name. He appreciates it.

And as you know, I am an Aries! Maybe I am suffering from my connections to a God with a reputation for being violent, troubled, impulsive, immature, and acting before thinking things through. Maybe you help Aries grow and rehabilitate.

And your children Ares, Yudhi, and LeeAnder are lucky to have you as a mom. When I went to the park in tears today, it was raining, I descended a flight of stairs , and this female jogger with blue hair ran right past me , seeming to come out of no where, because I didn't hear her jogging until she was right beside me, and jogging in the rain.

I doubt she was a fantom, but it had a feeling like that, and immediately I thought of you, because I almost never see blue haired adults, certainly not jogging past me in the rain as I'm begging God for death!

That happened right after I made this thread.

It's just hard to believe I'm not waisting time, when I'm not working, not going to school, sick, tired, and the only healthy connections I have are online, and I just have drug addict and criminal friends at my apartment that I will soon be returning to.

But I guess offering that cross up, and avoiding drugs, and offering prayers, will turn it into time not entirely waisted!

 

[Saint Frankenstein]

I'm sorry your court date was pushed back. How odd. I know how stressed you were over it. Definitely better to get it over with. I'm still trying to find assistance with my own legal issue I told you about. So we're both waiting to get past harsh things that can impact our fates. I begged God to kill me or let me die a week ago. Apparently He doesn't want to grant my wish there. I guess He wants us both around.

 

[Spiderman]

I'm sorry your court date was pushed back. How odd. I know how stressed you were over it. Definitely better to get it over with. I'm still trying to find assistance with my own legal issue I told you about. So we're both waiting to get past harsh things that can impact our fates. I begged God to kill me or let me die a week ago. Apparently He doesn't want to grant my wish there. I guess He wants us both around.

I offer up my suffering to God for you Frank! My heart just sank at court. I feel like a despicable person! A leper!

I can probably relate to Frankenstein better than anyone here can.

 

[Trailblazer]

I'm just sick of being alive, sick of the chronic aches and pains from my last suicide attempt, and the permanent handicaps, broken bones, metal and screws holding them together, and arthritis. I'm sick of being a drug addict, and a criminal.

My sentencing date was supposed to be today , and was moved back to May 20 , which is more than a year after I committed any crime. I just want it over!

I hate this sick repulsive world I live in, living in chronic poverty, being intelligent, but unable to afford or succeed at College or anything!

I hate the feeling that I'm just sick, disordered, wasting time, wasting potential.

The future will be agony because that has always been the past, and I'm too scared to commit suicide, because my last suicide attempt put me in a wheelchair for 10 weeks, and the suicide attempt before that with a train, got me into trouble.

I suck at suicide obviously, and if I had a gun, I would probably just blow chunks of my skull and face off and survive. Something is keeping me alive!

If God would just be merciful and kill me, I would be so relieved to get cancer that cannot be cured, and know that my only responsibility left, is to prepare for death with a clean conscience and soul.

I hate the fact that my mother never had an abortion! I am sick, and it was time to die long ago. A lot of people never should have been born

My friends are dead ghosts. The people I know in real life are no help, and my friends in real life use drugs.

It's going to be hard to get a job with a criminal record and being hospitalized every year, with bad work ethic with the jobs I have had.

I'm really looking for a way to kill myself where I have no chance of surviving. I thought jumping off a building onto concrete would do the trick. In the end, it only caused far FAR more pain, and permanent handicaps!

Ten weeks in a wheelchair over a suicide attempt, and the risk of never walking again, has made me very scared to attempt suicide again.

But it is simply past time to die! Life is miserable, and the people I love, none of them live in my city. There is no meaning as each day goes by waisting time and potential, waisting life, and seeking a God who hides himself and his desires for me. I wait for clarity and instructions in vain. Maybe if I die today, he will stop hiding from me.

This isn't my home. If there is no purgatory or heaven to go to, all the more reason to hurry up and die, because a hundred years from now, nothing matters to me, and it's just a lot of pain , and a worthless, stupid, annoying impoverished, sick , empty life, and terrible world!

I envy dead corpses, want what they have, to exit this annoying, stupid, needy, hurting body, let it rot!

I long for death more than I long for food or drink. Pray that my heart stops, or that I die very soon! I'm the walking Dead as is, and I have seen enough of this BS!

God please grant me a provided for death, very soon!

I am so sorry to hear how you feel. I have longed for death at times but I was able to work through it by getting help I needed until I was able to cope better. My life is nothing to write home to mom about mostly because of what I have to deal with with my husband now, but I just try to do the best I can to get through each day.

Suicide was no solution for me because I know death is not the end of life, only the end of physical life. I don't look forward to the afterlife even though it is glorious according to my beliefs because I do not like change even if it is better.

My husband is suicidal because of his physical pain but I cannot understand how his kind of physical pain owing to an enlarged prostate and painful urination warrants suicide so I believe it is really depression. He saw that urologist yesterday and got three new prescriptions so he felt better about that for a few hours but now his is right back to feeling hopeless. Next week we see his primary care doctor and has an intake appointment with the psych assessment. He has lost so much weight if he loses any more he will die of starvation. I have no help from anyone because I have no family or friends so I have to depend upon the health care system and God for help.