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Poor judgement! :-(

Discussion in 'Journals' started by Spiderman, Sep 21, 2021.

  1. Spiderman

    Spiderman Veteran Member

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    Does anyone else here struggle with poor judgement?

    Oh higher power, any Kami, Spirits, or angels willing to help me. I just hate being alive, living a stupid unenlightened, confused life.

    Drug addiction is so worthless, and now that I'm sober I realize how incredibly stupid my life and behavior has been, how stupid and reckless I have been, how creepy and disgusting, how undisciplined and immature! Being a drug addict is just gross! It kills not only the addict but harms so many innocent people!

    Oddly enough, being aware of that just makes me want to go back to using drugs!


    Please kill me soon Lord! Maybe there is a place for me other than earth.

    I'm too old for this immature stupidity! When sober I can't stand seeing people high or being around it, I can't stand who I am, can't stand what I've done, can't stand a look in the mirror, while at the same time, I just want to go back to using.

    God help us, and reward those whom I have hurt with my poor judgement! Even those whom I have offended at RF! I am notorious for saying the stupidest things sometimes! :(
     
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  2. Rival

    Rival Veteran Member
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    You're worth it and I enjoy my discussions with you :)

    Just become addicted to RF instead :D
     
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  3. Rival

    Rival Veteran Member
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    The song Goodbye by Le Shuuk is worth a listen :)
     
    #3 Rival, Sep 21, 2021
    Last edited: Sep 21, 2021
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  4. Spiderman

    Spiderman Veteran Member

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    Thank you for your patience with me. :)

    Most of my posts at RF I wasn't sane or sober. You have been merciful and kind with the ability to swing that ban-hammer! :p

    Being a MOD must require so much patience!

    But I am truly a disgrace when actively using. Just so infantile, so selfish, even lecherous. When I'm sober and I look back at how I behave while high, I just wanna go to sleep and never wake up! :(
     
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  5. Spiderman

    Spiderman Veteran Member

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    I'm on it! :)
     
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  6. RayofLight

    RayofLight My pronouns: they/them

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    I'd say don't be too hard on yourself but I doubt that'll help. Like saying to a depressed person to just be happy. I would talk to your therapist about this I know you have one at the place you at. You aren't a terrible person the fact you wrote this shows that.
     
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  7. Rival

    Rival Veteran Member
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    I once bought some razor blades just to kill myself with. It was a person's love and stoic resolution to not allow me to kill myself that stopped me. Love is good and so is toughness with it.

    :) :yellowheart:
     
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  8. RayofLight

    RayofLight My pronouns: they/them

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    I did that with a pencil sharpener not to kill myself but to slice my arm open. I used to be addicted to self harm. I'm several months clean now. @Spiderman I know it's a different kind of addiction then you dealing with but you can beat this.
     
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  9. Spiderman

    Spiderman Veteran Member

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    Amen!

    I'm so glad that love prevented you from acting on that. :heart: We would really miss you here! :)
     
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  10. Spiderman

    Spiderman Veteran Member

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    Never heard it before.

    It was brilliant. Thanks! :)
     
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  11. Spiderman

    Spiderman Veteran Member

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    Yeah,
    I used to have that addiction too. It is a relief when the blood starts flowing.
     
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  12. Rival

    Rival Veteran Member
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    I meant Le Shuuk but I'm glad you found it :)
     
  13. Spiderman

    Spiderman Veteran Member

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    I'm too old for this immature stupidity and bull****.

    Some of it was amusing and cute when I was a teenager or if I was in elementary school or something. This is just ridiculous though! :(
     
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  14. Spiderman

    Spiderman Veteran Member

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    Yes, I found the right one! :)
     
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  15. Spiderman

    Spiderman Veteran Member

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    This post is in regard to the fact that I live with 26 drug-addicts, and I see myself in them.
     
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  16. Spiderman

    Spiderman Veteran Member

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    I think this is it :)
     
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  17. RayofLight

    RayofLight My pronouns: they/them

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    Look we all make bad choices. Drug addiction is a disease. No one asks to become addicted to drugs. It's not your fault you are even if you originally chose to use. Your brain got addicted whereas others might not have. I don't know how you got started Im not going to judge regardless. Many have fallen prey to drugs and society judges them rather then help. They even arrest folk. And I bet many of the poor choices you made were from the drugs impairing your judgement. I know if you could go back you wouldn't have ever started using but we can't go back. We can only move forward. You need help and you are getting it. You can only take this one moment at a time. Pat yourself on the back for getting help and noticing your mistakes. You deserve that at least.
     
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  18. Nakosis

    Nakosis Time Efficient Lollygagger
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    Yes, there are many things I want to do. Like drinking beer. I like the slight buzz and the taste of beer with food. However being diabetic it is bad for me. Actually causes me to physically suffer.

    So I go along, a good person, not drinking alcohol and not suffering. After a while, I forget what the pain was like, and think a little can't hurt. Maybe I can enjoy the buzz this time without the suffering. Once you make that decision, go down that road, you can't stop the suffering that's going to come.

    Life is better without it . But life is also average. No more lows but also, no more highs. I hope I've learn this time, the highs are not worth the lows, especially when the lows could kill me but It's not easy to give up a desire. It is always there just waiting for the next time.

    Unfortunately, no one else can give you the will to say no. No one else can stop you from hurting yourself. Maybe create a routine that keeps you away from what you desire. Maybe it will stick.
     
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  19. The Hammer

    The Hammer Frog Lord
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    Even us drug addicts are worth it. And have worth enough to live a long fulfilled life.

    Stay strong, stay sober. You've got support in me.

    Edit: Feel free to PM if you need anything.
     
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  20. JustGeorge

    JustGeorge Retired Ruler
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    You say some of the nicest things, too. You oughta give yourself credit there.

    I don't think you realize how much the prayer you wrote for me a few weeks back meant. That was one of the kindest things anyone's done for me in a long time.

    We've all done some stuff in our past. Can't do anything about it. All a person has is the future...

    Addiction's a disease. You're getting help. Lots of people suffer from it. Good people, too. I have many indispensable people in my life who used to be drug addicts. For some, I think the craving is there, though they fight. And because these people have been so low, they better understand what it feels like so they are able to often act with more compassion than those who haven't been there.

    I'm glad you're here. :)
     
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