Pitfalls of online dating

[Trailblazer]

I am not feeling very hopeful about meeting a man I am compatible with on a dating site. So far, my experience has not been good at all. More often than not I am targeted by con men who pretend to be real men who are interested in me when all they want is to con me out for my money. It does not matter what dating site I am on, as these men are everywhere.

So far, I have been targeted by two con men who were on a Baha’i dating site pretending to be Baha’is. The first one was last August and he had me fooled for over two months, although I never gave him any money. This happened again during the last week, but as soon as he sent me an e-mail, I suspected he was a con men and I told him so. That was the end of that. I contacted the profile manager of the site and he told me this man has been removed since he has done this with other women.

If that was not bad enough, I was just hit by a con man on eHarmony a few days ago. How could I know he was a con man? The only way to really know if to tell these men if they are con men not to waste their time with me, and usually after that I don’t hear from them again. That is what happened with this man.

The only dating site I have not encountered con men is Spiritual Singles and I have met some nice men there, although most men who I am compatible with live in distant states so I cannot realistically have a relationship with them since most men are not willing to relocate and neither am I.

I already posted here about one man I met on that dating site. To recap that series of events, I had been talking to him off and on the phone since December 10 of last year but that finally ended last Saturday when we came to an impasse. From the beginning he had told me he did not want to have a relationship with a woman who has cats, not because he does not like cats, but because he doesn’t think any animals should be kept as pets. He also does not think couples should have any pets because humans should only relate to their own species!

The truth of the matter is that he wanted all the affection and he did not want me to divide my affection between him and the cats and he even admitted that. But what caused the final falling out is that he misled me into thinking he would accept the cats, but he finally admitted he would not, and that is why I will never trust anything he says again.

After talking to him more at length I also came to discover that his beliefs about God and the afterlife are not compatible with my beliefs. He also tried to pretend he was interested in my Baha’i beliefs but he never really was. I would not care so much if he had different beliefs, what bothered me is that he was not honest. He just led me on because he did not want to lose me, but he has lost me now because one thing I cannot tolerate is dishonesty.

I am never giving up the cats. Why should I? I have the time and money to take care of them and I love them. No man will ever be more important than the cats, even my late husband wasn't. I loved him and the cats equally. If a man cannot accept that then so be it. I would rather be alone than with a man who cannot accept me for who I am. And it is not as if I don’t have anything to offer, I have a lot to offer a man. By contrast, the man I referred to above had nothing to offer me. I now wonder why I even kept talking to him, except for the fact that I was lonely and he gave me hope by not being honest with me and leading me on.

There is one man I met on the Spiritual Singles site who loves cats as much as I do and he also has similar beliefs about God, and although he has no religion he is very interested in the Baha’i Faith. I am not sure if he is really that interested in a serious relationship but I continue to converse with him by e-mail. He lives in the adjacent state so it might be possible to meet him in person.

I would really rather meet a man in person than on a dating site, but where would I meet anyone? I do not drink so I am not going to a bar. The Baha’is do not even have any in-person activities anymore, only Zoom meetings. Some people here have suggested I take up a hobby, but I don’t have time or interest in hobbies. I also don’t see that as a good way to meet a man, as the chances of finding a man I am compatible with would be very slim.

I am not very interested in what most men are interested in, family outings, recreational activities, and travel. I also do not want a casual intimacy with a man and that is what most men expect. The only real hope for me would be to find a man with a similar interests and lifestyle, who I am attracted to and who is also attracted to me. The ideal man would have all of that and he would also be a Baha’i who wants to serve the Cause of God as his primary objective in life. If he liked family outings, recreational activities, and travel I would be fine with that and he could engage in those with or without me.

I realize that is a tall order, so I am not expecting to find that. If that happens it will be by fate, because it was God’s will that I marry again. I cannot make it happen since free will alone does not give me the ability to control anything, it only allows me to make myself available on various dating sites.

 

[Exaltist Ethan]

I have met various people online who want to get to know me better, but I try to spend most of my time with my nuclear friends and family. @dannerz , @Hayley Bartlett and my mom and father. It sounds like you know what you want but you don't know how to get it. I've met people on social networking websites that wanted to meet me in person, but I turned them down because I realized that's not what I really wanted. I just want something to do all the time. I find that I spend a lot of time on YouTube watching videos and Spotify listening to music and I don't hit my creative spark until later in the day, typically when it's too late to start a project. Then I fall asleep, my brain resets, and process happens again the next day. Most of the music I create happens at night for this fact alone.

I don't really care about being alone anymore, I just want to find something to do with my time. And it sounds like you're the same - you don't care whether there's a man in your life but since you've retired and have all the money you need, you need to find ways to spend your time so you don't get bored easily. See, most people find something to do with their time, THEN they find the person they want to spend time with. You're trying to reverse that scenario and you're slowly learning that life doesn't really work like that.

Why are you so dismissive on finding a hobby or a project in the meantime? You don't need dating sites, you need to find constructive ways to use your time wisely now that you're retired. Find the next thing you're passionate in, then find others who are also passionate in the same thing. I actually found the most caring, supportive but platonic friendship here I could have in @dannerz . I talk to him on a daily basis. We virtually have nothing in common either, but because we value each other so much and our time together that we make it work. I get it. There is certain things you need to consider when looking for someone to spend time with. By obviously going through a gambit of dating sites hasn't really helped you find the thing you're truly looking for.

I used dating sites in my early twenties. I've come to realize this a long time ago and I've stopped using them since. Stop wasting your time, and money, on websites with liars and con men. Find something your passionate about and build your world around that - if a guy happens to be a part of that, it's his blessing, not your own. I already know you are passionate about the Baha'i Faith and cats, you could work from that and possibly make it into something deeper, enriching and more meaningful part in your life.

Good luck.

 

[Secret Chief]

From the beginning he had told me he did not want to have a relationship with a woman who has cats

The beginning should have been the end.

 

[Trailblazer]

I have met various people online who want to get to know me better, but I try to spend most of my time with my nuclear friends and family. @dannerz , @Hayley Bartlett and my mom and father. It sounds like you know what you want but you don't know how to get it. I've met people on social networking websites that wanted to meet me in person, but I turned them down because I realized that's not what I really wanted. I just want something to do all the time. I find that I spend a lot of time on YouTube watching videos and Spotify listening to music and I don't hit my creative spark until later in the day, typically when it's too late to start a project. Then I fall asleep, my brain resets, and process happens again the next day. Most of the music I create happens at night for this fact alone.

I don't really care about being alone anymore, I just want to find something to do with my time. And it sounds like you're the same - you don't care whether there's a man in your life but since you've retired and have all the money you need, you need to find ways to spend your time so you don't get bored easily. See, most people find something to do with their time, THEN they find the person they want to spend time with. You're trying to reverse that scenario and you're slowly learning that life doesn't really work like that.

Why are you so dismissive on finding a hobby or a project in the meantime? You don't need dating sites, you need to find constructive ways to use your time wisely now that you're retired. Find the next thing you're passionate in, then find others who are also passionate in the same thing. I actually found the most caring, supportive but platonic friendship here I could have in @dannerz . I talk to him on a daily basis. We virtually have nothing in common either, but because we value each other so much and our time together that we make it work. I get it. There is certain things you need to consider when looking for someone to spend time with. By obviously going through a gambit of dating sites hasn't really helped you find the thing you're truly looking for.

I used dating sites in my early twenties. I've come to realize this a long time ago and I've stopped using them since. Stop wasting your time, and money, on websites with liars and con men. Find something your passionate about and build your world around that - if a guy happens to be a part of that, it's his blessing, not your own. I already know you are passionate about the Baha'i Faith and cats, you could work from that and possibly make it into something deeper, enriching and more meaningful part in your life.

Good luck.

No, I am not retired yet and I am not going to retire unless I have plans for what I will do with my time. However, I still have a lot of time I don't know what to do with. For the last 10 years I have been spending most of my free time posting on forums but now that is winding down and I realize that is not what I want to do all the time.

My situation is a lot different from yours and one reason is because of my age. I got married when I was 32 and was married for 37 years, so I don't really know any other way of life. The first years were good ones, the last not so much, but all in all for me I think marriage is what I want although that is much easier said than done. Just because I met my late husband when I was not even looking that does not mean I will find a man I am compatible with now, even if I am looking. However, if I am not making myself available somehow the chances of my finding a man are slim to none.

I do not spend a lot of time on dating sites but I have learned a lot from being on them, reading profiles and sending messages. I have learned what most men want and don't want and I would never have learned any of these things by socializing in small groups of people, since people don't even talk about these things in social settings. It has indeed been an educational experience, kind of like learning about God beliefs and religion by being on forums, and I kill two birds with one stone, since I can learn and also socialize. Anymore, I know who the con men are really fast and I tell them to take a hike, which is kind of fun, since they are not prepared for that!

 

[Trailblazer]

The beginning should have been the end.

And it is the end for him since he has rejected my cats, even after I told him they are the only reason for me to continue living, after the loss of my late husband. How insensitive can any man be?

 

[Exaltist Ethan]

Just because I met my late husband when I was not even looking that does not mean I will find a man I am compatible with now, even if I am looking. However, if I am not making myself available somehow the chances of my finding a man are slim to none.

That's just it. You weren't looking. Stop looking for a man and let a man look for you. Most people find each other from shared experiences. Even if you met the man of your dreams the relationship would crumble easily without finding shared experiences that both of you enjoy. There's so many opportunities to do things as a cat lover and follower of the Baha'i Faith. You could start a no-kill cat shelter. Volunteer for Habitat for Humanity. Start a Baha'i study group with people of different religions. These possibilities are always there and by involving yourself in shared experiences you get chances to find people you want to spend the rest of your life with. You're too focused on being in a relationship and not focused enough on life. Focus on life first then let the relationship happen, if even at that point you still desire it.

 

[sun rise]

@Trailblazer , your experiences with online dating makes me very grateful I found my wife in the old fashioned way, by meeting her in person, hanging out in a group and gradually getting closer to her. This online business would be very off-putting to me.

 

[stvdv]

Why most girls are single nowadays:
https://youtube.com/shorts/TUejjQlpv20?feature=share

She does have a few good points
And for sure knows how to present them

 

[Trailblazer]

@Trailblazer , your experiences with online dating makes me very grateful I found my wife in the old fashioned way, by meeting her in person, hanging out in a group and gradually getting closer to her. This online business would be very off-putting to me.

I did not meet my late husband by hanging out in a group. My sister and mother knew him because he was a Baha'i in their community in southern California. At that time I lived in northern California and my mother needed a ride to where I lived so my late husband drove her. I had spoken with him a couple of times on the phone before that and he sent me love letters but I did not think anything of it, since I was not looking for a man, let alone to get married.

He showed up at my apartment with my mother on June 2, 1985, proposed to me, and on June 5, I accepted. We got married on June 30 and the rest is history. Our marriage was not without its problems but I would still rather have him than anyone else, but unfortunately that was not my fate because the Lord giveth and the Lord taketh away and there is nothing anyone can do about that. I will see him in the next world, but meanwhile I know he would not want me to be alone because we discussed that long before his sudden demise. My counselor agrees that being alone is not what is good for me and she thinks I need to continue with the online dating, but try to meet more men in person.

 

[Truthseeker]

After talking to him more at length I also came to discover that his beliefs about God and the afterlife are not compatible with my beliefs. He also tried to pretend he was interested in my Baha’i beliefs but he never really was. I would not care so much if he had different beliefs, what bothered me is that he was not honest. He just led me on because he did not want to lose me, but he has lost me now because one thing I cannot tolerate is dishonesty.

I had not konown about that part, that shows a degree of dishonesty that is not good at all!

 

[Truthseeker]

There is one man I met on the Spiritual Singles site who loves cats as much as I do and he also has similar beliefs about God, and although he has no religion he is very interested in the Baha’i Faith. I am not sure if he is really that interested in a serious relationship but I continue to converse with him by e-mail. He lives in the adjacent state so it might be possible to meet him in person.

How do you know he loves cats as much as you do, and how do you really know he is very interested in the Baha'i Faith? You may not find out if those are true even if you meet him in person. I am concerned you might fall into a trap once again, maybe even worse than with Daniel.

 

[Trailblazer]

I had not known about that part, that shows a degree of dishonesty that is not good at all!

Yes, that is what I thought. When I told my counselor about this today she thought it was passive-aggressive just as I thought. He was trying to manipulate me by being passive about the cats but I finally pinned him down so he had to come clean!

 

[Trailblazer]

How do you know he loves cats as much as you do, and how do you really know he is very interested in the Baha'i Faith? You may not find out if those are true even if you meet him in person. I am concerned you might fall into a trap once again, maybe even worse than with Daniel.

No, Daniel is nothing like Mike. I know he loves cats just from all the e-mails and he is on the board of directors at a no-kill cat shelter and has his own website about cats. I cannot be sure how interested he is in the Faith but he loved the acme of human understanding quote about God (Gleanings, pp. 165-166, third paragraph) that I sent him and he said that is exactly what he believes about God, that God is beyond our understanding. The jury is still out on the last two quotes I sent him about the purpose of life. All those would have been wasted on Mike, who doesn't believe we need Messengers since he thinks that God speaks to him directly, and doesn't even think about the purpose of life.