People who post tributes about toxic, dead relatives on FB

[Deidre]

What a strange title, eh? But, it's on my mind, today.

I think what bothers me about this, is the chronic side of it. If it's Mother's Day, Father's Day, a passed away loved one's birthday, anniversary of their death, I somewhat get it. Death and grief can trigger all kinds of emotions, and it's understandable that you're wanting to honor that person in some way. But, what I don't get, is people who post pics and long drawn out (exaggerated) stories about their deceased mothers, fathers, grandparents, uncles, etc whom you knew were abusive to that person, or toxic in some way. But, now that the relative is dead, they feel the need to post endless pics and tell tales about this person, as if they're a folklore hero. Gah, it bugs me.

One of my friends questioned me recently as to why I ''never'' like her posts about her deceased father, and I was blunt about it, ''I don't remember him quite like you do. He abused you, and left when you were a kid.'' The guy never wanted her in his life, then she finds out he died, and she's posting all kinds of ''tributes.'' I'm sorry, but I don't get it. Our pasts with abusive people won't change, simply because they're dead.

Thought it might be interesting to discuss the psychology behind this, if there is any. Do you see this on FB, or IG, and why do you think people do this? I can't see any good coming from exalting the dead, who were once abusive.

If they apologized, showed remorse and reconciliation happened, that makes good sense, but often, that’s not the situation. I’ve imagined that maybe rewriting history about abusive people in one’s childhood, helps one to cope. But as a friend, a real one, I try to help those in my life see that manufacturing pasts we wish we had, isn’t healthy. And it won’t bring healing.

 

[Twilight Hue]

I would tribute the good points and condemn the bad points.

Thats what I've done with my father who was long deceased.

My relationship didn't end very well with him, but there were good parts all the same where I recognize he wasn't always that way and that's the part I cherish whenever I reminisce.

Maybe that's the gist here.

 

[Deidre]

I would tribute the good points and condemn the bad points.

Thats what I've done with my father who was long deceased.

My relationship didn't end very well with him, but there were good parts all the same where I recognize he wasn't always that way and that's the part I cherish whenever I reminisce.

Maybe that's the gist here.

I like this, maybe you’re right. I think no matter how awful a parent was many still respect the relationship.

 

[exchemist]

What a strange title, eh? But, it's on my mind, today.

I think what bothers me about this, is the chronic side of it. If it's Mother's Day, Father's Day, a passed away loved one's birthday, anniversary of their death, I somewhat get it. Death and grief can trigger all kinds of emotions, and it's understandable that you're wanting to honor that person in some way. But, what I don't get, is people who post pics and long drawn out (exaggerated) stories about their deceased mothers, fathers, grandparents, uncles, etc whom you knew were abusive to that person, or toxic in some way. But, now that the relative is dead, they feel the need to post endless pics and tell tales about this person, as if they're a folklore hero. Gah, it bugs me.

One of my friends questioned me recently as to why I ''never'' like her posts about her deceased father, and I was blunt about it, ''I don't remember him quite like you do. He abused you, and left when you were a kid.'' The guy never wanted her in his life, then she finds out he died, and she's posting all kinds of ''tributes.'' I'm sorry, but I don't get it. Our pasts with abusive people won't change, simply because they're dead.

Thought it might be interesting to discuss the psychology behind this, if there is any. Do you see this on FB, or IG, and why do you think people do this? I can't see any good coming from exalting the dead, who were once abusive.

If they apologized, showed remorse and reconciliation happened, that makes good sense, but often, that’s not the situation. I’ve imagined that maybe rewriting history about abusive people in one’s childhood, helps one to cope. But as a friend, a real one, I try to help those in my life see that manufacturing pasts we wish we had, isn’t healthy. And it won’t bring healing.

I've not come across this but, from your description, my best guess would be that the people involved may have been estranged and not reconciled before the death. This can I think lead to guilty feelings (whether justifiably or not) on the part of the survivor, who wants somehow to put things to rights, as they see it.

I know countless people who feel they had more to say to a person who has died. I even feel it a bit about my own wife, even though I was with her to the last. There is always more one can think of, or something one could have expressed better, one more kiss one could have given.......

I suspect even with family members who were estranged or had become enemies, there may be a yearning for reconciliation. I imagine some of the ghost stories about dead spirits unable to rest, due to some unfinished business, reflect the same thing but projected onto the dead person's spirit.

 

[Saint Frankenstein]

If I discovered that some of my awful relatives had died, I certainly would not be eulogizing them on social media. I may be able to put aside my strong anger towards them to pray for their souls, though.

 

[Stevicus]

What a strange title, eh? But, it's on my mind, today.

I think what bothers me about this, is the chronic side of it. If it's Mother's Day, Father's Day, a passed away loved one's birthday, anniversary of their death, I somewhat get it. Death and grief can trigger all kinds of emotions, and it's understandable that you're wanting to honor that person in some way. But, what I don't get, is people who post pics and long drawn out (exaggerated) stories about their deceased mothers, fathers, grandparents, uncles, etc whom you knew were abusive to that person, or toxic in some way. But, now that the relative is dead, they feel the need to post endless pics and tell tales about this person, as if they're a folklore hero. Gah, it bugs me.

One of my friends questioned me recently as to why I ''never'' like her posts about her deceased father, and I was blunt about it, ''I don't remember him quite like you do. He abused you, and left when you were a kid.'' The guy never wanted her in his life, then she finds out he died, and she's posting all kinds of ''tributes.'' I'm sorry, but I don't get it. Our pasts with abusive people won't change, simply because they're dead.

Thought it might be interesting to discuss the psychology behind this, if there is any. Do you see this on FB, or IG, and why do you think people do this? I can't see any good coming from exalting the dead, who were once abusive.

If they apologized, showed remorse and reconciliation happened, that makes good sense, but often, that’s not the situation. I’ve imagined that maybe rewriting history about abusive people in one’s childhood, helps one to cope. But as a friend, a real one, I try to help those in my life see that manufacturing pasts we wish we had, isn’t healthy. And it won’t bring healing.

I remember my deceased relatives and friends in my own way. I don't see any need to post any tributes; it's no one else's business but mine.

I don't have Facebook or Twitter or IG or any of that stuff. I did encounter someone whose social media accounts almost kind of portrayed a completely false life. I can't really go into detail, but who she was in real life vs. her online persona - completely different. It appears that some people just want to put forth this false front, to show everyone that everything is great and wonderful - even if it may not be.

 

[Deidre]

@exchemist, that is definitely something to consider. It's not for me to judge, it's just something that bugs me mainly because it gives the impression that abusive people are not seen as such, and that we should make excuses for them. But, for those who I've seen post tributes like this, it could very well be that they're looking for closure in their own way.

@Saint Frankenstein - beautiful insight. We're called to pray for those who harm us, that is true.

@Stevicus - how to be like you? You have no idea the drama you avoid reading when you opt out of social media haha It could be a little of this too, people embellishing their pasts and current lives to seem whole. Social media breaks are essential, I wish more took them.

 

[Stevicus]

@Stevicus - how to be like you? You have no idea the drama you avoid reading when you opt out of social media haha It could be a little of this too, people embellishing their pasts and current lives to seem whole. Social media breaks are essential, I wish more took them.

I guess I just never took much of an interest in that. I post here on RF, and I've sometimes posted on similar message boards elsewhere. I remember even back posting to Usenet, so I enjoy online discussion forums.

But social media is just not my cup of tea.