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Overcoming/resolving early abuse?

Mock Turtle

Oh my, did I say that!
Premium Member
I know one can't necessarily generalise about the effects of early abuse (or any abuse), and the likelihood of any individual overcoming such so as it not to have any major effects on their subsequent lives, but I do know it is possible - from my mother's experiences and my own. So I'll detail as much as I know in both cases, which might be of use to others or perhaps encourage discussion of such.

My mother's experiences.

My mother apparently spent a year in the workhouse, another year in a convent, and gave birth to two children by her father, both children being taken away and adopted - not sure when such occurred but one can assume that she was mature enough to deliver healthy babies. She and some of her sisters were all sexually abused from a young age - which came out very late in her life and was very unexpected (I was looking after her when she told me about all of this). Her father's wife apparently left him at some stage, taking one daughter with her but I don't know when this occurred. Her father was jailed for a sexual offence (under age apparently but not with a family member) such that this might have been the reason as to why she was put in the workhouse - after his wife leaving and no one to look after the children.

My mother seems to have achieved this release because she coped with her family life (husband and three boys) so well without displaying any particular symptoms or signs of her previous abuse. So it seems that for some this is possible, but I don't know how she managed to achieve this. I know she took a nursing qualification when young and looked after children before being married. She didn't appear to be especially religious but perhaps had some beliefs - religion was never really mentioned in our family. So I can't really say where she might have obtained her release from what presumably would have been a horrible childhood - we never met her father and he was always described as being a drunkard. This all occurred in a coal-mining community, where death in the mines was common (including major events involving hundreds of deaths) along with strikes or being out of work for long periods, it should be noted.

Perhaps she just kept herself busy and devoted her time to her family, with which I can't find a fault, as we all knew that we were loved and she did her best (as did my father) to provide for us, such that we all had a reasonably happy childhood, give or take the odd trauma (which I seemed to have had more than most). She was quite intelligent it seems, and managed to have a cheery countenance for most of the time - no raised voices and no smacking in our family - and my parents didn't seem to argue at all either - my mother I would say was the boss and organiser of the two. There were few illnesses in the family (other than the usual childhood ones then), perhaps common after WWII where rationing was still in force and school meals were contrived so as to give the essentials to us children rather than being what we might like or prefer, and there were no complaints about food in the family since my mother was a good cook.

I suppose the love we showed her, which we all felt of course, also helped in overcoming any effects of the earlier abuse. I doubt she had any kind of therapy aimed at abuse since it was hardly likely to be available in those days (late 1920s to early 1930s). But I'm still not able to pinpoint why she never seemed to display any signs of any previous abuse, and perhaps it was just all about her own personality.

My own experiences.

My own abuse (I'll not go into the details but severe enough) was no doubt a lot less severe than that of my mother but which did have obvious effects on my life, and which I only resolved some decades later. Not really that serious by today's standards - by an older boy to whom I looked up to but who took advantage of such, and no doubt quite similar to what happens/happened in all too many Public schools. For me, it just caused me to doubt my sexual orientation, make me more introverted than I already was (being quite shy), to be less confident (never was such), and to make me more guarded about physical contact with others, and to be less trusting towards others. I also think that this caused me to disconnect emotionally from others, or at least make it harder to do so. So overall quite some consequences.

I appeared to have overcome this by regaining my emotional connection to others (can't really say how), by evaluating the experiences and putting them into perspective, and by accepting the nature of childhood where so many selfish desires arise and are just not controlled (lack of morality), such that I don't really hate the perpetrator and more pity him. The lack of confidence took some time to reverse and was also a bit haphazard, but it did happen - I suspect coming from physical pursuits and also from debating forums.

So, some experiences to spark discussion?
 
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bobhikes

Nondetermined
Premium Member
I come across as a typical nice guy with some minor emotional discrepancies. That is an outward appearance, inside I am choked by my early abuse but I rationalize how I need to act for others. This has been going on for over 55 years. I think you will find that I am not alone that many people that were abused keep it locked away for social interaction. I believe during your mothers time it was even encouraged to keep personal problems hidden. I know my mother claims she was told not to talk about her abuse and it wasn't until it majorly affected our family that a psychologist was involved to minor success.

Not to be a complete downer, there have been times when I gained emotional relief during my life but I still am very much stunted. If you met me in person you would never guess.
 

Mock Turtle

Oh my, did I say that!
Premium Member
I come across as a typical nice guy with some minor emotional discrepancies. That is an outward appearance, inside I am choked by my early abuse but I rationalize how I need to act for others. This has been going on for over 55 years. I think you will find that I am not alone that many people that were abused keep it locked away for social interaction. I believe during your mothers time it was even encouraged to keep personal problems hidden. I know my mother claims she was told not to talk about her abuse and it wasn't until it majorly affected our family that a psychologist was involved to minor success.

Not to be a complete downer, there have been times when I gained emotional relief during my life but I still am very much stunted. If you met me in person you would never guess.

Yes, I can well believe that in the past people were just told to forget it or bury it, and some it seems were successful (if my mother is an example), and although I can't really speak for my mother obviously, I do know that mine has dissipated completely and causes me no issues at all. Mine was more therapy by luck than design. I suspect she did bury it all as the only time I saw any rage in her was when she was nearing the end of her life, had dementia, and flew at me one time over some relatively silly thing - as if she finally had to let out what she really felt for her father (me being seen as such then perhaps).
 

ChristineM

"Be strong", I whispered to my coffee.
Premium Member
I am not sure abuse can ever be overcome completely but one can often handle with it, bury it to an extent it enables you to lead a normal life.

Even with counceling and coping strategies the abuse is still there in the mind.
 

pearl

Well-Known Member
So, some experiences to spark discussion?

I think there are two emotions very difficult to overcome even later in life; one is the sense of betrayal,
the other, after gathering the intestinal fortitude to confide in someone you trust and not being believed.
 

Mock Turtle

Oh my, did I say that!
Premium Member
I think there are two emotions very difficult to overcome even later in life; one is the sense of betrayal,
the other, after gathering the intestinal fortitude to confide in someone you trust and not being believed.

Can't argue with that, as it is all too true so often. Which is what happened in my case, and only seriously confronted when I felt a need to do so. Trust is so easily destroyed and so difficult to rebuild. I suppose the usual thing, that when we are treated badly by one person, or a few, we might project this on to others, we must know that this is not necessarily the case but it might take time and work to inwardly believe it.
 

Mock Turtle

Oh my, did I say that!
Premium Member
I am not sure abuse can ever be overcome completely but one can often handle with it, bury it to an extent it enables you to lead a normal life.

Even with counceling and coping strategies the abuse is still there in the mind.

Well I am sure it is for many, but I suppose it depends upon the extent of the abuse and of what type. As I commented, my mother displayed no signs of any distress, not appearing to have any worries apart from looking after us, such that perhaps this was what kept her memories and feelings of what occurred at bay. There appears to be a technique for rewriting memories, lost to me now, but which I used for a relatively minor thing and which indeed did work, so I think such methods might be useful. I must admit I haven't followed progress in treatments for such issues and I've never had any therapy so as to comment on their effectiveness or not.
 
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