New Poem that STINKS!!!

[jimbob]

Any good? It doesn't mean i'm sad or anything, its just that i've never written anything that's sort of dark, and sad before. i thought i would let ya'll critique my work biglaugh: thats not work!!!)

The day is empty
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Dead of life
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Dull and bland
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Edged on a knife
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The plants are wilted
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The sky is gray
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The day has come
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Today’s the day
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Stars gleam dimly
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Heavens calm
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Noise is deaf now
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Figures guam
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Bitter cold bites
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With jaws of steel
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Winds howl
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Leaving sense without feel
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Light is now
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Only a ghost
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Those who remember
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Miss it the most
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[jimbob]

Bumping it

 

[Master Vigil]

Pretty good. Is it talking about death? Like, the spiritual activity leading up to death?

 

[jimbob]

I honestly haven't a clue what i was writting. I scribbled it out in a couple minutes and just liked the rhyme scheme. I guess i sounds kinda like death, but i didn't put it down to mean that.

 

[jimbob]

bumping up

 

[Sagira]

Hmm. It just doesn't flow for me. That's probably just me, though.

I end up reading it all choppy-like.

 

[johnnys4life]

I love it, except 2 things. Figures guam? What is guam, and even if I knew what it was, I just don't like that word. Secondly, "leaving sense without feel" just doesn't seem to fit there, I think it's too long for that particular line. Hope that helps, the rest is great! You really have some talent, and Idon't say that to just anyone!!

 

[michel]

Don't worry, Jimbob, poetry is like everything else - very personal. I am the onlyone who reads mine - at least I think it's good!! Yours is fine.

 

[jimbob]

Thanks for all the help. Guam is a word that is used to say something is outlined and solitary. Figures Guam, means that figures stand darlky outlined, alone, solitary.