peaceful_rebel
New Member
My husband has been on these forums for a few years. I have enjoyed hearing stories of debates and him being able to be free in discussion, which I feel is only a new thing between us since I am evolving.
I was born into a non-denominational Christian home and it was all I knew. I "accepted Christ" at the early age of 5 and I remember it clearly. I can't speak for others, but being an 80's Christian kid was filled with a lot of, what I now consider, Christian-style urban legends that were used to control..most of it for reasons why we couldn't participate in pop-culture, music and movies. Throwing an "evil" tag on things with a BS reason why we weren't allowed to do something. My parents went along with the majority of the other parents at church whether it was a personal conviction or Biblical. From a young age there were certain things that didn't sit well with me mostly surrounding how Christians justified poorly treating those who were not following the Bible's commands (whether Christian or not) and those who were merely of a different faith. I always saw inconsistency in how the Bible said we were suppose to treat others and how Jesus acted toward others and how Christians actually treated others. The worst was the gossip and the whispers behind backs. The phone calls to report on what was going on in other's lives disguised as prayer requests.
As a teen I was a member of a few different churches including the non-denom one I grew up in, a Baptist church (which was much more conservative and strict than the first one), and a home church my parents started with another family. I don't ever remember striving for a personal relationship with God. I only read the Bible because I had to (homeschooled), and I only prayed when I was upset or there was someone I felt compelled to pray for. I wasn't rebelling, but I just never felt that pull, emotionally. I would say I believed in all of it, but the desire just wasn't there because I didn't have an emotional connection to it.
Another reason why it was easy to be confused with Christianity was because of how my parents treated each other and us (brother and I). They always had a troubled marriage and fought constantly. I found out that my dad beat my mom until she got pregnant for me (they were "saved" when I was a year old). He also spanked me, graduating from hand to wooden dowel rod, until I was 14. I never thought I deserved it but I didn't realize it was abuse until I was an adult. I was always scared of him. My mom would yell, slap, shame, guilt and insult. I really think that was worse than the physical abuse from my dad.
I did not get married until I was 24 and lived with them until my wedding day. My husband has always considered himself agnostic and we agreed to keep the religion talks to a minimum and he said he had no problem with me teaching our future kid my faith and us possibly going to church as a family. I did not choose to attend anywhere for a couple years. My parents were pressuring me to try their new church and when we visited on Easter with our two year old. We decided to continue going but kept to ourselves, not really getting involved in much or meeting people since I was afraid I would not act "Christian" enough around them and my husband wouldn't need to debate his beliefs either. We kind of "flew under the radar" for a couple of years until I ended up pissed off about someone who was using me and also the fact that I was going through serious depression and no one I reached out to was comfortable talking to me about it. We quit there and didn't go anywhere else for four years.
During that lapse, I had my second child, made new open-minded friends, went through therapy, got my anxiety and depression controlled by medications, and also met lots of people from different background of all different faiths, races, sexual orientations etc.. I started changing a lot after hearing stories of LGBTQA friends/acquaintances who'd been bullied and rejected by their family, peers and churches. It didn't make sense to me and I knew Christians were like that, but I hadn't heard personal accounts of how people were affected by it until then. It didn't coincide with how the Bible said we were supposed to act. I assumed I'd never find a church where people weren't treated poorly if they were different, but I was starting to feel a pull towards being part of a community again.
I ended up doing a search on "churches that accept gay people" not knowing there would actually be a list and more than one option in my town. I chose the one that seemed the most contemporary and we started attending. We were the minority in the church, as the majority identified as something other than straight. There were so many broken-hearted people there who found solace, a sense of family and a sense of belonging. I was in love with them. They were the most loving and giving people I'd ever met. The church was heavily involved in volunteering in the community and I was inspired to start my own little ministry of handing out food and supplies and offering lots of "free hugs" to the homeless every Saturday morning. I didn't even try to spread the gospel unless someone asked me about my faith or to pray for them. I had no agenda but to make people feel loved and "normal". My whole time at that church was not about a personal relationship with God either, but I felt happier than I ever had in my life...surrounded by so much love and giving without expectations. I got really involved with volunteering within the church as well, but when I found myself pregnant with my third child and overcome with months of morning (actually all day) sickness, I was forced to take a break from extra church work, but that choice wasn't respected by everyone and I was pestered a lot. I have never liked confrontation, so I always chose "flight" over "fight" and we quit going there.
Once again we were out of church for four years. During that time I pulled away even farther from the concept of church and religion. I started seeing Christians as annoying and self-righteous but I still felt God existed and trusted the validity of the Bible (even though I was conflicted and confused about certain passages). I had no plan to start going to church again but a dark time in my marriage where I felt broken and desperate for comfort led me to start looking around. I tried a couple of places that didn't really feel right and then I ended up at an Open Bible denomination church that was very heavily into the practice and promotion of supernatural gifts (healing, prophesy, speaking in tongues etc.) and very supportive of women in leadership. These were things I was not used to in church but open to learning about. I started trying to have a personal relationship with God for the first time in the 30 years I professed to believe. I prayed regularly, read the Bible regularly, journaled and studied with friends. The only thing that set me apart was the fact that I did not seek out acquiring the gifts, partly because I was still apprehensive about whether they were real and partly because I didn't feel it was essential to my relationship with God.
Through the two years I attended there I really wanted to experience something supernatural. I honestly still had some doubt and I just wanted proof the whole thing wasn't a waste of time....plus that I really wasn't alone and someone was looking out for me. The only thing I can attest to is that I did have some things that were very unexplainable happen that seemed more than coincidence, but could have been. Another problem I had there was that I am a very emotional person, especially with music and inspiring words, no matter if it was in church setting or not, so I had no idea whether I was ever "moved by the Holy Spirit" or just a big cry baby. I also went through a very difficult time with my emotional and physical health and church members kept trying to heal me and it never worked. I stopped telling people about my pain so as not to be put on the spot. I also didn't understand why God seemed to be doing constant good things and miracles for other people and my health and marriage were still suffering. The church was evolving into more and more talk and practice of the supernatural and I was getting more and more turned off by it that I eventually stopped going.
Soon after that, things got really good for me. Had major breakthroughs in communication with my husband which made me feel more secure, got emotional problems sorted out again, had a great opportunity to help out someone in need for an extended period of time and finally moved out of the dangerous neighborhood we were living in (this was 2 1/2 years ago). Things were looking up and I had a new outlook on life. Unfortunately the same month we moved out of town (an hour away) my mother was diagnosed with stage 4 breast cancer (she passed away in August of 2017). My faith was already shaky. I already felt like no matter what I did, no matter how close I tried to be to God or how resistant I was to the concept of faith, sometimes horrible stuff happened and sometimes amazing things happened. I had already, years before, stopped believing "everything happens for reason". I found more comfort in believing most things were random instead of trying to work out why I suffered sometimes. I then watched a video about a pastor who said he didn't believe in the Bible anymore and how it's timeline is impossible with the age of the earth. I'd already been wondering if the Bible was not only off from years of translating, but also believing it was very possible that the writers' personal agendas, not directly inspired by God, were passed off as truth and a "code to live by". That concept then evolved into "I don't believe the Bible is entirely accurate but I believe in God and the way Jesus lived is a good thing to strive for" to just not really feeling strongly about God's existence at all. For myself I feel it's less foolish to claim Agnosticism than Atheism, and that is where I am today.
I am also feeling like I can't be honest with my Christian family and friends about how I feel and what I believe now. I especially feel this way about my father who has since moved to my new town and has gotten very involved with his new church. I have conversations with him where he brings up faith and how I should feel or what I should do and I just try to listen and can't be honest. I know if I start being honest that I will just have hordes of people talking about me behind my back, praying for my renewed salvation/mindset, thinking I'm corrupted, broken, confused...whatever. The thing is that I am very intelligent about the whole thing, question what I hear, I challenge hypocrisy and am open-minded. I've found that now I am avoiding certain people and have no idea what to say when people call me and ask me to pray for them. I guess I am looking for words of comfort and support from people who are in similar situations. It's really hard to find them on my own. Thank you for reading! Looking forward to seeing how these forums can help me.
I was born into a non-denominational Christian home and it was all I knew. I "accepted Christ" at the early age of 5 and I remember it clearly. I can't speak for others, but being an 80's Christian kid was filled with a lot of, what I now consider, Christian-style urban legends that were used to control..most of it for reasons why we couldn't participate in pop-culture, music and movies. Throwing an "evil" tag on things with a BS reason why we weren't allowed to do something. My parents went along with the majority of the other parents at church whether it was a personal conviction or Biblical. From a young age there were certain things that didn't sit well with me mostly surrounding how Christians justified poorly treating those who were not following the Bible's commands (whether Christian or not) and those who were merely of a different faith. I always saw inconsistency in how the Bible said we were suppose to treat others and how Jesus acted toward others and how Christians actually treated others. The worst was the gossip and the whispers behind backs. The phone calls to report on what was going on in other's lives disguised as prayer requests.
As a teen I was a member of a few different churches including the non-denom one I grew up in, a Baptist church (which was much more conservative and strict than the first one), and a home church my parents started with another family. I don't ever remember striving for a personal relationship with God. I only read the Bible because I had to (homeschooled), and I only prayed when I was upset or there was someone I felt compelled to pray for. I wasn't rebelling, but I just never felt that pull, emotionally. I would say I believed in all of it, but the desire just wasn't there because I didn't have an emotional connection to it.
Another reason why it was easy to be confused with Christianity was because of how my parents treated each other and us (brother and I). They always had a troubled marriage and fought constantly. I found out that my dad beat my mom until she got pregnant for me (they were "saved" when I was a year old). He also spanked me, graduating from hand to wooden dowel rod, until I was 14. I never thought I deserved it but I didn't realize it was abuse until I was an adult. I was always scared of him. My mom would yell, slap, shame, guilt and insult. I really think that was worse than the physical abuse from my dad.
I did not get married until I was 24 and lived with them until my wedding day. My husband has always considered himself agnostic and we agreed to keep the religion talks to a minimum and he said he had no problem with me teaching our future kid my faith and us possibly going to church as a family. I did not choose to attend anywhere for a couple years. My parents were pressuring me to try their new church and when we visited on Easter with our two year old. We decided to continue going but kept to ourselves, not really getting involved in much or meeting people since I was afraid I would not act "Christian" enough around them and my husband wouldn't need to debate his beliefs either. We kind of "flew under the radar" for a couple of years until I ended up pissed off about someone who was using me and also the fact that I was going through serious depression and no one I reached out to was comfortable talking to me about it. We quit there and didn't go anywhere else for four years.
During that lapse, I had my second child, made new open-minded friends, went through therapy, got my anxiety and depression controlled by medications, and also met lots of people from different background of all different faiths, races, sexual orientations etc.. I started changing a lot after hearing stories of LGBTQA friends/acquaintances who'd been bullied and rejected by their family, peers and churches. It didn't make sense to me and I knew Christians were like that, but I hadn't heard personal accounts of how people were affected by it until then. It didn't coincide with how the Bible said we were supposed to act. I assumed I'd never find a church where people weren't treated poorly if they were different, but I was starting to feel a pull towards being part of a community again.
I ended up doing a search on "churches that accept gay people" not knowing there would actually be a list and more than one option in my town. I chose the one that seemed the most contemporary and we started attending. We were the minority in the church, as the majority identified as something other than straight. There were so many broken-hearted people there who found solace, a sense of family and a sense of belonging. I was in love with them. They were the most loving and giving people I'd ever met. The church was heavily involved in volunteering in the community and I was inspired to start my own little ministry of handing out food and supplies and offering lots of "free hugs" to the homeless every Saturday morning. I didn't even try to spread the gospel unless someone asked me about my faith or to pray for them. I had no agenda but to make people feel loved and "normal". My whole time at that church was not about a personal relationship with God either, but I felt happier than I ever had in my life...surrounded by so much love and giving without expectations. I got really involved with volunteering within the church as well, but when I found myself pregnant with my third child and overcome with months of morning (actually all day) sickness, I was forced to take a break from extra church work, but that choice wasn't respected by everyone and I was pestered a lot. I have never liked confrontation, so I always chose "flight" over "fight" and we quit going there.
Once again we were out of church for four years. During that time I pulled away even farther from the concept of church and religion. I started seeing Christians as annoying and self-righteous but I still felt God existed and trusted the validity of the Bible (even though I was conflicted and confused about certain passages). I had no plan to start going to church again but a dark time in my marriage where I felt broken and desperate for comfort led me to start looking around. I tried a couple of places that didn't really feel right and then I ended up at an Open Bible denomination church that was very heavily into the practice and promotion of supernatural gifts (healing, prophesy, speaking in tongues etc.) and very supportive of women in leadership. These were things I was not used to in church but open to learning about. I started trying to have a personal relationship with God for the first time in the 30 years I professed to believe. I prayed regularly, read the Bible regularly, journaled and studied with friends. The only thing that set me apart was the fact that I did not seek out acquiring the gifts, partly because I was still apprehensive about whether they were real and partly because I didn't feel it was essential to my relationship with God.
Through the two years I attended there I really wanted to experience something supernatural. I honestly still had some doubt and I just wanted proof the whole thing wasn't a waste of time....plus that I really wasn't alone and someone was looking out for me. The only thing I can attest to is that I did have some things that were very unexplainable happen that seemed more than coincidence, but could have been. Another problem I had there was that I am a very emotional person, especially with music and inspiring words, no matter if it was in church setting or not, so I had no idea whether I was ever "moved by the Holy Spirit" or just a big cry baby. I also went through a very difficult time with my emotional and physical health and church members kept trying to heal me and it never worked. I stopped telling people about my pain so as not to be put on the spot. I also didn't understand why God seemed to be doing constant good things and miracles for other people and my health and marriage were still suffering. The church was evolving into more and more talk and practice of the supernatural and I was getting more and more turned off by it that I eventually stopped going.
Soon after that, things got really good for me. Had major breakthroughs in communication with my husband which made me feel more secure, got emotional problems sorted out again, had a great opportunity to help out someone in need for an extended period of time and finally moved out of the dangerous neighborhood we were living in (this was 2 1/2 years ago). Things were looking up and I had a new outlook on life. Unfortunately the same month we moved out of town (an hour away) my mother was diagnosed with stage 4 breast cancer (she passed away in August of 2017). My faith was already shaky. I already felt like no matter what I did, no matter how close I tried to be to God or how resistant I was to the concept of faith, sometimes horrible stuff happened and sometimes amazing things happened. I had already, years before, stopped believing "everything happens for reason". I found more comfort in believing most things were random instead of trying to work out why I suffered sometimes. I then watched a video about a pastor who said he didn't believe in the Bible anymore and how it's timeline is impossible with the age of the earth. I'd already been wondering if the Bible was not only off from years of translating, but also believing it was very possible that the writers' personal agendas, not directly inspired by God, were passed off as truth and a "code to live by". That concept then evolved into "I don't believe the Bible is entirely accurate but I believe in God and the way Jesus lived is a good thing to strive for" to just not really feeling strongly about God's existence at all. For myself I feel it's less foolish to claim Agnosticism than Atheism, and that is where I am today.
I am also feeling like I can't be honest with my Christian family and friends about how I feel and what I believe now. I especially feel this way about my father who has since moved to my new town and has gotten very involved with his new church. I have conversations with him where he brings up faith and how I should feel or what I should do and I just try to listen and can't be honest. I know if I start being honest that I will just have hordes of people talking about me behind my back, praying for my renewed salvation/mindset, thinking I'm corrupted, broken, confused...whatever. The thing is that I am very intelligent about the whole thing, question what I hear, I challenge hypocrisy and am open-minded. I've found that now I am avoiding certain people and have no idea what to say when people call me and ask me to pray for them. I guess I am looking for words of comfort and support from people who are in similar situations. It's really hard to find them on my own. Thank you for reading! Looking forward to seeing how these forums can help me.
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