Hi illykitty.
I've just read through this entire thread because your journey has been almost exactly like my own. I have spent so much time in my life searching for a religious path that called to me. Buddhism, Christianity, Judaism, Islam, Wicca, Druidry, Siddha Yoga, you name it. In all my searching, I only found myself more pained, lonely, and isolated. No single path ever felt like it fit; at first, everything seemed crystal clear and totally right, but then inevitably I'd be faced with a huge ethical quandary that I was unable to overlook, and would find that it wasn't for me after all.
That is, until I realized I had had it all wrong. I realized I was looking at my search (and my life) upside down.
Have you ever asked yourself why it is *you* who happens to have this struggle, when so many others do not? Maybe you're not broken after all, but you're just looking at your situation and thinking it is a curse when it is actually a blessing. Maybe there is a reason that you haven't found yourself in any of the religions you've explored. Maybe it is even part of your mission.
It could be that the ability to see through each religious path to its core message, and seeing that it is exactly the same core message of every other path, is a unique ability that few people in this world have, and you are lucky to be one of them. Perhaps your being on the outside allows you this perspective; allows you to relate to people with differing beliefs and values as sisters and brothers instead of as "others". You should cherish this rare gift.
However, I totally get the desire for belonging and community, which are also valuable needs that religion provides. If you are called to be religious, by all means, be religious.
Forgive me if I'm overstepping (I see a lot of similarities between the two of us), but it also sounds like maybe you don't trust yourself very much, and you question your own feelings and decisions quite often. It sounds like you are searching for Gd outside of yourself, in the places and the people you think have "got it", instead of truly understanding that Gd is within you
as you. Right now.
It could be that, like an unpolished mirror, Gd (and Gd's path) will only be revealed to you once you do some necessary polishing; once you do the work of finding Him/Her/It within; once you realize you don't need fixing.
Might I suggest putting the religious quest on hold for a bit? Maybe the best suited path to Gd will find you when you are living in alignment with the authentic You. All you have to do is find You, and then Gd and His community will appear. Maybe belonging must come from within.
Or... maybe you just like to dabble. Maybe you work well exploring one religion for a bit and then moving onto another. That's OK too!
Wishing you so many blessings on your journey.
