Marriage: Young Woman, Older Man...

[Sunstone]

According to some psychologists who have studied the matter, the single most powerful predictor of whether a couple will divorce or not is this: Whether they express contempt for each other. In the psychologist's studies: Couples that expressed contempt for each other inevitably divorced. The "contempt factor" outweighed all the other factors combined in predicting who would divorce or not.

After reflecting on their studies, I've come to believe that much marital advice is misguided. For instance, we tend to think that couples who argue a lot are unhappy couples and therefore likely to divorce. But the psychologists found that argumentative couples did as well as anyone else -- provided they were not contemptuous of each other. So, I'm willing to speculate that an age difference is less of an indicator of who will divorce and who will stay together than is mutual respect.

 

[James the Persian]

Does anyone know of a relationship like this that actually lasted? I don't know of any...

Yes. My grandfather was born in 1892 and my grandmother in 1922 - that lasted until my grandfather's death after 30 years of marriage. I also have three school friends whose mothers are much much younger than their fathers (20+ years in every case is the age gap) and all of their parents were still together last I heard. I don't think such an age gap is necessarily a hindrance, though I would wonder at someone wanting to rush the marriage as this girl you know appears to have wanted to do...

James

 

[angellous_evangellous]

I had a situation come up this past week that is really bothering me... just need to vent.

As I was preparing to leave for vacation, a young woman that I've known for her whole life asked me to marry her to a much older man. Although she's a family friend, I haven't seen her in about five years - her parents are friends with mine and we've had them to our home once a year (at least) since my parents were in high school. Apparently she moved out at 18 into the home of a 44 year old man who was married at the time (?), her manager at a local fast food place. It broke her parent's hearts but everyone is on speaking terms.

I didn't say that I wouldn't do it, but that I wouldn't agree to it until they had 4 sessions of free marriage counceling from myself or a local minister, which is standard policy for ministers who have a conscience. I got a call from her yesterday and she said that they don't have time for the councelling and chose someone else, which is fine with me.

Honestly I'd be surprized if the relationship lasted for two years.

Does anyone know of a relationship like this that actually lasted? I don't know of any...

Guess what --- they are happily married.

 

[dawny0826]

Guess what --- they are happily married.

Totally contingent on the couple. Age doesn't have to be a factor, if two people fulfill each other.

One of my good friends is in her early thirties and her husband is in his mid fifties. They are as different as night and day in personality, but, have an amazing relationship and understanding of one another.

Wishing your friend many years of happiness.

 

[cablescavenger]

I had a situation come up this past week that is really bothering me... just need to vent.

As I was preparing to leave for vacation, a young woman that I've known for her whole life asked me to marry her to a much older man. Although she's a family friend, I haven't seen her in about five years - her parents are friends with mine and we've had them to our home once a year (at least) since my parents were in high school. Apparently she moved out at 18 into the home of a 44 year old man who was married at the time (?), her manager at a local fast food place. It broke her parent's hearts but everyone is on speaking terms.

I didn't say that I wouldn't do it, but that I wouldn't agree to it until they had 4 sessions of free marriage counceling from myself or a local minister, which is standard policy for ministers who have a conscience. I got a call from her yesterday and she said that they don't have time for the councelling and chose someone else, which is fine with me.

Honestly I'd be surprized if the relationship lasted for two years.

Does anyone know of a relationship like this that actually lasted? I don't know of any...

I am more disappointed in you Angellous if I am being honest. :sorry1:

 

[Sunstone]

Guess what --- they are happily married.

Good, but not entirely surprising.

 

[angellous_evangellous]

I am more disappointed in you Angellous if I am being honest. :sorry1:

Just see how far that gets you.

 

[angellous_evangellous]

Good, but not entirely surprising.

I'm very happy for them. I'm still very suspicious - of a lot of things - but at least they seem happy. At this point he's so old and disabled, I don't think that he has the physical strength to do any harm (cheating, stealing, etc).

Like that he is an admiral in the Navy, has three PhDs *whatever*, and so on. I doubt there a whole lot of ex-Navy submarine captains with three doctorates, formerly served as professors at Duke now marrying his 19 year old co-worker at the local McDonald's. And living in a trailer in a tiny Texas town living off unemployment and disability. I'll be damned if I endorse that.

No harm in living in a fantasy world, but lying about stuff like this signals to me that there's a possibility that he's capable of something more sinister.

 

[cablescavenger]

Just see how far that gets you.

Reflection is much more powerful than deflection.

 

[Sunstone]

I'm very happy for them. I'm still very suspicious - of a lot of things - but at least they seem happy. At this point he's so old and disabled, I don't think that he has the physical strength to do any harm (cheating, stealing, etc).

Like that he is an admiral in the Navy, has three PhDs *whatever*, and so on. I doubt there a whole lot of ex-Navy submarine captains with three doctorates, formerly served as professors at Duke now marrying his 19 year old co-worker at the local McDonald's. And living in a trailer in a tiny Texas town living off unemployment and disability. I'll be damned if I endorse that.

No harm in living in a fantasy world, but lying about stuff like this signals to me that there's a possibility that he's capable of something more sinister.

If he's that much of a liar, it does not bode well.

 

[angellous_evangellous]

Reflection is much more powerful than deflection.

Deification is much more preferable to constipation.

 

[angellous_evangellous]

If he's that much of a liar, it does not bode well.

To be honest I haven't lost that much sleep over it. I hope that it works out for everyone, but I wouldn't be surprised if there were "more where that came from" if you know what I mean.

So far it's a harmless fantasy, but I have to wonder whether or not the fantasy comes from an intent to harm, a mental illness, stupidity (which is what I think), or just the desire to be more interesting than he actually is. I'm really, really hoping that he's not a fugitive from another state living under a badly devised alias.

 

[angellous_evangellous]

Reflection is much more powerful than deflection.

Trepidation is much more powerful than alienation.

* These one-liners will be published in the book "Lessons on How to be Completely Useless" by Angellous and Cabescavenger (provided that Cable guy wants credit and royalties for useless sayings)

 

[angellous_evangellous]

Reflection is much more powerful than deflection.

Pagination is much more powerful than agitation. :beach:

 

[angellous_evangellous]

Reflection is much more powerful than deflection.

Refrigeration is better than regurgitation.

 

[cablescavenger]

I see the problem here. You judged your friends relationship publicly on an internet forum, after being asked you to be a part of their special day, and you wanted others to judge them too.

You hadn't anticipated that someone might find your behaviour reprehensible, unethical and disloyal, because of course you feel you have some kind of higher moral ground where you are entitled to judge people, and are beyond reproach.

I can see we are not going to agree on this, but there is an easy way to settle it.

Perhaps you should show this thread to the married couple and ask them if they think I have been unreasonable to question your ethics?

 

[angellous_evangellous]

I see the problem here. You judged your friends relationship publicly on an internet forum, after being asked you to be a part of their special day, and you wanted others to judge them too.

You hadn't anticipated that someone might find your behaviour reprehensible, unethical and disloyal, because of course you feel you have some kind of higher moral ground where you are entitled to judge people, and are beyond reproach.

I can see we are not going to agree on this, but there is an easy way to settle it.

Perhaps you should show this thread to the married couple and ask them if they think I have been unreasonable to question your ethics?

Have no fear: you are not yet in danger of embarrassing yourself.

 

[angellous_evangellous]

You hadn't anticipated that someone might find your behavior reprehensible...

Yes, it is difficult to anticipate stupidity.

 

[cablescavenger]

Perhaps I touched a nerve

 

[angellous_evangellous]

Perhaps I touched a nerve

Don't flatter yourself.