Marriage: Young Woman, Older Man...

[angellous_evangellous]

I had a situation come up this past week that is really bothering me... just need to vent.

As I was preparing to leave for vacation, a young woman that I've known for her whole life asked me to marry her to a much older man. Although she's a family friend, I haven't seen her in about five years - her parents are friends with mine and we've had them to our home once a year (at least) since my parents were in high school. Apparently she moved out at 18 into the home of a 44 year old man who was married at the time (?), her manager at a local fast food place. It broke her parent's hearts but everyone is on speaking terms.

I didn't say that I wouldn't do it, but that I wouldn't agree to it until they had 4 sessions of free marriage counceling from myself or a local minister, which is standard policy for ministers who have a conscience. I got a call from her yesterday and she said that they don't have time for the councelling and chose someone else, which is fine with me.

Honestly I'd be surprized if the relationship lasted for two years.

Does anyone know of a relationship like this that actually lasted? I don't know of any...

 

[Terrywoodenpic]

I have heard of such couples that have lasted.
But never met one.
They must share something, if they have been together for some time but now want to marry.
Lets hope it works out.

 

[Buttercup]

It's my opinion but, there's something strangely wrong with a 44 year old man and an 18 year old girl getting together. Perhaps the initial attraction for the girl is because it's sort of taboo to be attracted to someone your dad's age. Some of us like what we're not supposed to have. And the dude? Well, he's kind of a pig if you ask me. I can understand the attraction to younger women but an 18 year old is just a teenager. Not really even a woman yet. There's some serious dysfunction between both of them if you ask me.

I've known of locally, but not known personally, several couples with a similar age gap who got married. And you're right, they didn't last. I think what happens is one day the girl wakes up, looks over and sees this old man and says, "What the hell did I do?"

 

[FatMan]

Tony Randall - may he rest in peace.

 

[Smoke]

I had a situation come up this past week that is really bothering me... just need to vent.

As I was preparing to leave for vacation, a young woman that I've known for her whole life asked me to marry her to a much older man. Although she's a family friend, I haven't seen her in about five years - her parents are friends with mine and we've had them to our home once a year (at least) since my parents were in high school. Apparently she moved out at 18 into the home of a 44 year old man who was married at the time (?), her manager at a local fast food place. It broke her parent's hearts but everyone is on speaking terms.

I didn't say that I wouldn't do it, but that I wouldn't agree to it until they had 4 sessions of free marriage counceling from myself or a local minister, which is standard policy for ministers who have a conscience. I got a call from her yesterday and she said that they don't have time for the councelling and chose someone else, which is fine with me.

Honestly I'd be surprized if the relationship lasted for two years.

Does anyone know of a relationship like this that actually lasted? I don't know of any...

My maternal grandfather was 26 years older than my grandmother; in fact, he was 5 years older than her father and 8 years older than her mother. He had a sister-in-law 39 years his junior who always said, "I loved Ross; he was like a grandfather to me." There was no previous marriage for either; though. My grandfather was career Army and never married till after he retired.

One of my aunts married a man 22 years her senior and had a stepson a year older than her. She and my uncle were married for 47 years, until his death, so I guess you could say it worked out. My uncle was previously married, but my aunt wasn't a factor in the breakup of his first marriage.

The only problems I know of, related to the difference in ages, were:

* My great-grandfather visibly resented my grandparents' marriage. (Which made them even, because my grandmother resented her father's third marriage, too. )

* My aunt, while still vigorous and energetic herself, found herself a caregiver for an elderly husband.

* My grandfather and his siblings sometimes treated my grandmother almost more like a child than like an equal.

Considering the inherent difficulty of any two people getting along well in close quarters for decades, I don't think those problems are too bad -- except for the last one.

 

[Buttercup]

Does anyone think large age gaps may have worked better in the past because of the cultural resistance to divorce?

 

[Quoth The Raven]

Does anyone think large age gaps may have worked better in the past because of the cultural resistance to divorce?

I don't know about cultural resistance to divorce, but large age gaps weren't that uncommon at one stage...a man got himself well established before he got married and then found himself a young woman of child bearing years. I think it depends on the dynamics of the relationship and what the expectations of the people involved are. In a lot of cases - as in the one Angellous is referring to - the whole thing fairly shrieks 'Midlife Crisis!'. They don't often end well.

 

[Dream Angel]

I had a situation come up this past week that is really bothering me... just need to vent.

As I was preparing to leave for vacation, a young woman that I've known for her whole life asked me to marry her to a much older man. Although she's a family friend, I haven't seen her in about five years - her parents are friends with mine and we've had them to our home once a year (at least) since my parents were in high school. Apparently she moved out at 18 into the home of a 44 year old man who was married at the time (?), her manager at a local fast food place. It broke her parent's hearts but everyone is on speaking terms.

I didn't say that I wouldn't do it, but that I wouldn't agree to it until they had 4 sessions of free marriage counceling from myself or a local minister, which is standard policy for ministers who have a conscience. I got a call from her yesterday and she said that they don't have time for the councelling and chose someone else, which is fine with me.

Honestly I'd be surprized if the relationship lasted for two years.

Does anyone know of a relationship like this that actually lasted? I don't know of any...

I have never met any - at all! Usually because once the guy reaches around 60, the ideas completely change to that of the girls and she gets bored and moves on..... I dont mind age differences - mainly because men tend to mature slower than girls so a 20year old and 30year old for instance! but 18 and 44 is a bit too much in my opinion!

 

[Dream Angel]

I don't know about cultural resistance to divorce, but large age gaps weren't that uncommon at one stage...a man got himself well established before he got married and then found himself a young woman of child bearing years. I think it depends on the dynamics of the relationship and what the expectations of the people involved are. In a lot of cases - as in the one Angellous is referring to - the whole thing fairly shrieks 'Midlife Crisis!'. They don't often end well.

In the days when that did happen, women werent allowed to leave - they had no choice, hence it "worked".

 

[kadzbiz]

Everybody is different. There are exceptions to everything. I have three daughters and I'd probably feel uncomfortable with them being in that situation, but who am I to judge? Actually, I'd probably be a pretty good judge, based on my experience of people, but that's not to say that an age difference like that in a marraige wouldn't work. It obviously has in many instances.

 

[angellous_evangellous]

Everybody is different. There are exceptions to everything. I have three daughters and I'd probably feel uncomfortable with them being in that situation, but who am I to judge? Actually, I'd probably be a pretty good judge, based on my experience of people, but that's not to say that an age difference like that in a marraige wouldn't work. It obviously has in many instances.

It's not the age difference that bothers me so much - but that compacted with his previous marriage and that he was her boss at the time just doesn't seem favorable at all.

 

[Smoke]

Does anyone think large age gaps may have worked better in the past because of the cultural resistance to divorce?

Maybe. But I think people's idea of a good match -- maybe not in the 20th century so much, but certainly in the 17th and 18th -- wasn't so much a soulmate as someone who made good practical sense. Women preferred to marry men who had achieved a certain amount of financial security, and men preferred women who looked likely to produce a lot of babies, so a match between a middle aged man and teenage girl made sense for both.

Younger couples often had an equally practical reason for marriage: pregnancy.

Serial monogamy was just as common 300 years ago as it is today, too, but it was higher mortality that ended most marriages, instead of divorce. One of my ancestors in the 17th century died in his early forties, having outlived three wives. He was his fourth wife's second husband, and she married twice more after his death. Seven marriages between the two of them, and none of them ended in divorce. Even if a couple married when both were in their teens, most people weren't looking at 50 or 60 years married to the same person.

 

[Sunstone]

Does anyone know of a relationship like this that actually lasted? I don't know of any...

Angellous, there was a 20 year age gap between my mother and father, and my mother has told me that the years she was married to my father were the happiest of her life.

 

[Sunstone]

It's not the age difference that bothers me so much - but that compacted with his previous marriage and that he was her boss at the time just doesn't seem favorable at all.

I used to believe the same thing about bosses marrying their employees. But then I met a couple who had done just that and, over the years, came to to regard their marriage as one of the two best marriages I know of.

 

[Booko]

Does anyone know of a relationship like this that actually lasted? I don't know of any...

With the age difference? Yes. My cousin married a man 20+ years her senior and they've been married for years, have kids, and all that.

But she was 30 when they met -- not 18, and they did not start out their relationship so lopsidedly as this one did. Neither party was in a position of power over the other. And they didn't start out by cohabitating.

If they make 3 years I'd call it a miracle.

 

[Sunstone]

Everybody is different. There are exceptions to everything. I have three daughters and I'd probably feel uncomfortable with them being in that situation, but who am I to judge? Actually, I'd probably be a pretty good judge, based on my experience of people, but that's not to say that an age difference like that in a marraige wouldn't work. It obviously has in many instances.

There seem to be very few hard and fast rules about where one can find love, friendship and mutual respect.

 

[Booko]

Does anyone think large age gaps may have worked better in the past because of the cultural resistance to divorce?

That and a few other reasons. Sometimes men couldn't support a wife until they were older, and women had to marry young while they were still of childbearing age -- life expectancies were a bit shorter.

 

[Buttercup]

But she was 30 when they met -- not 18, and they did not start out their relationship so lopsidedly as this one did. Neither party was in a position of power over the other. And they didn't start out by cohabitating.

That makes a lot more sense to me. At 30 you are better able to maturely assess who you are and what you want. I don't think today's society would react as negatively to two people of such an age gap marrying if the younger person is well past the teen years.

Maybe. But I think people's idea of a good match -- maybe not in the 20th century so much, but certainly in the 17th and 18th -- wasn't so much a soulmate as someone who made good practical sense. Women preferred to marry men who had achieved a certain amount of financial security, and men preferred women who looked likely to produce a lot of babies, so a match between a middle aged man and teenage girl made sense for both.

I think what you say is true. But, in regard to divorce, I still think it was much less likely in days of old for a woman to divorce an elderly husband (or not elderly) if she was unhappy. It just rarely, rarely happened. The woman often had no means to support herself and would have suffered shunning or some sort of negative reaction from the community around her.

 

[kadzbiz]

If we look at relationships from a different angle, there are many of them that fail when the ages are similar.

 

[Smoke]

I think what you say is true. But, in regard to divorce, I still think it was much less likely in days of old for a woman to divorce an elderly husband (or not elderly) if she was unhappy. It just rarely, rarely happened. The woman often had no means to support herself and would have suffered shunning or some sort of negative reaction from the community around her.

Until relatively recently, she was unlikely to get custody of her children, too, unless the husband abandoned the family. Married women rarely had their own assets, or control over them, either, so she didn't have much of a way out, anyway.

A widow, on the other hand, could be sitting pretty if her husband left her in control of "his" property; it was about the only time in her life a woman could enjoy real autonomy. Remarriage could screw the whole deal, though. One of my ancestors allowed his wife the house, land, and income from the business, but if she remarried she wasn't entitled to take so much as her own clothes with her.