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Love is not an easy experience when we have different spiritual background :)

Windwalker

Veteran Member
Premium Member
My life just got very good in many ways but very difficult in the same time.
Over the summer my feelings for my female Muslim friend has grown, and so has her feelings for me.
So what to do :) as the man I am, I decided to speak with her father for advice ( with her blessing first of course) I would not discussed a topic this serious with her family without her knowing it.
So the issue of can or can't she see me or not as more then friends :) well it turn out that her father do not see it as a problem not do the rest of her family. But.... What do Islam teaching say. Well it is to me a bit fuzzy, but a bit difficult situation can be solved "very easy" as her father so gently put it :) convert or not convert :)
So now I know I am allowed to tell her my feelings and she can to me( sort of) and being alone with her at this stage is not very smart, because I do not want to make this bad for her or her family. In public I don't think we can be fully alone yet, fuzzy moment again :confused:

So next step is involving the mosque and see what the imam will say ( if he say no, I kick his butt....gently:p. But honestly inter spiritual relationship is not that easy :oops:

I am sure this OP will generate some tension and many questions, that is ok, but I can not answer everything because I honestly do not know how to reply yet.

She and her family are Sunni so I think if you are a Sunni your self it could help to answer some of the more fuzzy things for me.
And if you are not in to Islam or have an answer that help me, no need to reply, except if you have genuine good reason to ask of course :)

I do think 99% of the Muslims here will tell me to convert if I want to be with her :) we will see :cool:
To convert to a religion because of a love interest? Not a good idea. Are you ready to commit your life to that religion, even if after 6 months she decides to break it off, or you decide to? Are you really wanting to follow Islam, for its own sake, abandoning these other practices you have been find useful to you on your search?

Would you choose Islam, were it not for her? If the answer is no, then let love try to work itself out naturally, where you and she both remain true to yourselves and who you are. That's the only way for it to be a genuine relationship, when both parties are true to the themselves in it, not trying to fit another's ideal of who they would want you to be. People respect self-honesty in others.
 

Spirit of Light

Be who ever you want
To convert to a religion because of a love interest? Not a good idea. Are you ready to commit your life to that religion, even if after 6 months she decides to break it off, or you decide to? Are you really wanting to follow Islam, for its own sake, abandoning these other practices you have been find useful to you on your search?

Would you choose Islam, were it not for her? If the answer is no, then let love try to work itself out naturally, where you and she both remain true to yourselves and who you are. That's the only way for it to be a genuine relationship, when both parties are true to the themselves in it, not trying to fit another's ideal of who they would want you to be. People respect self-honesty in others.
A lot of good questions there, many of who I have asked my self lately too :)
To some of the questions the answer is yes I would be comfortable to become a Muslim, not because of if need to be with her, but as a whole person.
To other questions, I am still doing research to give me answers I do not have today.
 

metis

aged ecumenical anthropologist
My life just got very good in many ways but very difficult in the same time.
Over the summer my feelings for my female Muslim friend has grown, and so has her feelings for me.
So what to do :) as the man I am, I decided to speak with her father for advice ( with her blessing first of course) I would not discussed a topic this serious with her family without her knowing it.
So the issue of can or can't she see me or not as more then friends :) well it turn out that her father do not see it as a problem not do the rest of her family. But.... What do Islam teaching say. Well it is to me a bit fuzzy, but a bit difficult situation can be solved "very easy" as her father so gently put it :) convert or not convert :)
So now I know I am allowed to tell her my feelings and she can to me( sort of) and being alone with her at this stage is not very smart, because I do not want to make this bad for her or her family. In public I don't think we can be fully alone yet, fuzzy moment again :confused:

So next step is involving the mosque and see what the imam will say ( if he say no, I kick his butt....gently:p. But honestly inter spiritual relationship is not that easy :oops:

I am sure this OP will generate some tension and many questions, that is ok, but I can not answer everything because I honestly do not know how to reply yet.

She and her family are Sunni so I think if you are a Sunni your self it could help to answer some of the more fuzzy things for me.
And if you are not in to Islam or have an answer that help me, no need to reply, except if you have genuine good reason to ask of course :)

I do think 99% of the Muslims here will tell me to convert if I want to be with her :) we will see :cool:
If there's a will, there's a way, but it may involve some compromise on both your parts. Not all Muslims are alike, nor are all imams alike.

Thus let me recommend talking it over with her and also one or more imams. Good luck, and I certainly hope you two can work something out. My wife and I were of a mixed marriage, and we've been married for 53 years now.
 

Rival

Si m'ait Dieus
Staff member
Premium Member
I hope you can find your happiness, Amanaki, without having to give up on your identity :)
 

Spirit of Light

Be who ever you want
If there's a will, there's a way, but it may involve some compromise on both your parts. Not all Muslims are alike, nor are all imams alike.

Thus let me recommend talking it over with her and also one or more imams. Good luck, and I certainly hope you two can work something out. My wife and I were of a mixed marriage, and we've been married for 53 years now.
Thank you @metis
Yes I certainly hope we can find the right answer so we can build a good relationship.
I have time to make this right, no need to rush it.
 

metis

aged ecumenical anthropologist
Thank you @metis
Yes I certainly hope we can find the right answer so we can build a good relationship.
I have time to make this right, no need to rush it.
Good.

BTW, do her parents know about this and does she think this could be an obstacle? Those who became my in-laws were against us as we were of different denominations and different cultures. My wife left them to live with a girlfriend for three weeks until they agreed to support us and, as it turned out, they were great in-laws as we all got very close.
 

Spirit of Light

Be who ever you want
Good.

BTW, do her parents know about this and does she think this could be an obstacle? Those who became my in-laws were against us as we were of different denominations and different cultures. My wife left them to live with a girlfriend for three weeks until they agreed to support us and, as it turned out, they were great in-laws as we all got very close.
Both her parents and her grand parents know of this, and they approved it :) so I guess what could make it difficult is if the Muslim community around the family do not approve of me :) but time will tell
 

sun rise

The world is on fire
Premium Member
Her father say that it is up to me and he don't say no if she want to marry me even I do not become a Muslim

That to me settles the question.

But there's one area you might want to explore - the faith of the children. To me, it's best to bring this to the table first. If I were you, I'd think about exposing children to both your faith traditions and letting them know it's their free choice to choose one or neither when they grow up (if they ask).

You could also acknowledge what you find in Islam about how a husband should act such as “The best of you are the kindest towards their wives,"

This is not converting but finding what fits with your beliefs and acknowledging that fit.
 

Spirit of Light

Be who ever you want
That to me settles the question.

But there's one area you might want to explore - the faith of the children. To me, it's best to bring this to the table first. If I were you, I'd think about exposing children to both your faith traditions and letting them know it's their free choice to choose one or neither when they grow up (if they ask).

You could also acknowledge what you find in Islam about how a husband should act such as “The best of you are the kindest towards their wives,"

This is not converting but finding what fits with your beliefs and acknowledging that fit.
@sun rise you are right. If there will be children in the future they will get the chance to chose their spiritual faith them self's, and I will help them with answering as best I can, and I am sure she would do the same. She hold her belief, but she is open to that other religions or spiritual teachings also can hold truth.
 

Deeje

Avid Bible Student
Premium Member
Her father say that it is up to me and he don't say no if she want to marry me even I do not become a Muslim :) I do think the imam maybe do see it as a must, but we speak with him later this week. I am not going to fear his words :)

It's always optimal to marry someone of your own faith, but not impossible for intermarriage to work out if both parties respect the other's faith. For religiously oriented people, usually marriage outside of their faith would be frowned upon, for obvious reasons. There could be things to divide them or to pull one or the other away from their faith, affecting their relationship with their families....it can become a minefield.

For Christians the admonition is to...."marry only in the faith" because a marriage to us is a "three fold chord"....the man, his wife and God. It helps to prevent conflicts if the two have a common source of reconciliation to help resolve any issues that will inevitably arise.

Also when you marry someone, you usually marry their family as well, so having their blessing is a good start. If her father sees no problems then, your respect for her faith will be reciprocated and you can be happy together. I admire you for your serious considerations in this....respect is just as important as love in any relationship. No one owns our spirituality but us. The old saying is true...."if you love something, set it free...if it returns to you, it was yours...if it doesn't, it never was."

I chose my faith after I was married, and my husband, although initially not in favor of my choice, eventually realized that it posed no threat to him or our children. When he met my spiritual brothers and sisters, he was impressed by the character of the people, and even though he did not practice any religion himself, he was a good man....and he gave me the freedom to go where my heart was.

All the best to you Amanaki....
 

Estro Felino

Believer in free will
Premium Member
If there's a will, there's a way, but it may involve some compromise on both your parts. Not all Muslims are alike, nor are all imams alike.

Thus let me recommend talking it over with her and also one or more imams. Good luck, and I certainly hope you two can work something out. My wife and I were of a mixed marriage, and we've been married for 53 years now.

Compromise?
I think real love is about respecting your partner/spouse's free will.
And not to impose them your own faith or convinctions.

PS. I hope your wife has never pushed you to become a Catholic. Whether with insistence or in a veiled way.
With all due respect of course.
 

McBell

Resident Sourpuss
Compromise?
I think real love is about respecting your partner/spouse's free will.
And not to impose them your own faith or convinctions.

PS. I hope your wife has never pushed you to become a Catholic. Whether with insistence or in a veiled way.
With all due respect of course.
There is compromise in EVERY relationship.
And especially so in marriage.
Compromise is not some dirty swear word.
Although, some people think compromise means "my way or the highway"
But then, such people are not compromising, are they?
 

Spirit of Light

Be who ever you want
There is compromise in EVERY relationship.
And especially so in marriage.
Compromise is not some dirty swear word.
Although, some people think compromise means "my way or the highway"
But then, such people are not compromising, are they?
I can only speak for me, but i do not feel forced to covert to islam, my girlfriend has not even said she hope for it to happen, and her family is open to that it might not fully happens, even I my self see it as a way i can live and be truthful to Islam, a choice only i can take for me personally:)
 

Estro Felino

Believer in free will
Premium Member
There is compromise in EVERY relationship.
And especially so in marriage.
Compromise is not some dirty swear word.
Although, some people think compromise means "my way or the highway"
But then, such people are not compromising, are they?
I don't understand why two people who fall in love with each other, are absolutely supposed to be of the same faith /religion.
Really...I can't .
 

McBell

Resident Sourpuss
I don't understand why two people who fall in love with each other, are absolutely supposed to be of the same faith /religion.
Really...I can't .
Nor do I.
I am not of the same faith as my wife of 20 years. (20 years the end of this month)
but there was compromise in those 20 years.
On both sides.
Sometimes she compromised more than I.
Sometimes I compromised more than her.
 

Estro Felino

Believer in free will
Premium Member
Nor do I.
I am not of the same faith as my wife of 20 years. (20 years the end of this month)
but there was compromise in those 20 years.
On both sides.
Sometimes she compromised more than I.
Sometimes I compromised more than her.
Obviously. And I am so happy for you guys:).
The truth is that a religion is something very very profound and private.
You cannot convert to a religion just because someone else (you love) asked you to.
Also...if this person tells you "either you convert or I leave you", there is a word for that. Blackmailing.
 

McBell

Resident Sourpuss
Obviously. And I am so happy for you guys:).
The truth is that a religion is something very very profound and private.
You cannot convert to a religion just because someone else (you love) asked you to.
Also...if this person tells you "either you convert or I leave you", there is a word for that. Blackmailing.
And it is NOT compromising,,,
My wife and I worked at keeping our marriage productive, meaningful, loving, etc.
We did not simply get married and hoped for the best.

Marriage is hard work.
At least it is if you want it to be more than a legal contract.
 

Estro Felino

Believer in free will
Premium Member
And it is NOT compromising,,,
My wife and I worked at keeping our marriage productive, meaningful, loving, etc.
We did not simply get married and hoped for the best.

Marriage is hard work.
At least it is if you want it to be more than a legal contract.
I was speaking of religion. Of @metis ' marriage.
Not of yours;)
 
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