Comicaze, sometimes free-verse is the best way to put a thought or feeling into words. Perhaps it is the thought itself that is loose and free, and a more rigid form would change its meaning.
Your poem is pretty stark. I do like the first line with its usage of "bars". On my first reading I was thinking of music-- a bar of music--, as in you have volumes of things unsaid. And of course there is the more obvious reading of bars, as a part of a prison. Double meanings are one of the beauties of poetry, as they allow reader to interpret and find meaning for him or herself, in a way the author never intended, nor perhaps, needed.
S-word, your reworking of the poem was rather nicely done. I must admit... I am a bit of a fan of free-verse myself, so I was skeptical that the tone could remain the same, and yet you did very well. The rhymes aren't so cloyingly cliche as well, which is a must for me to enjoy poetry. That last line is vividly descriptive... I like it... though I do wonder whether Comicaze had death particularly in mind when he was writing the original. i did not get a particularly "deadly" vibe, though I could see where it could be inferred with the words like "cold" and "blind".
