Just As If It Was Ripped From The Pages Of Some Ancient Christian Manuscript

[Skwim]

.

IT'S THE WIFE'S FAULT!!!

"The conservative Christian organization Focus on the Family isn’t exactly known for being egalitarian or feminist… or thoughtful or inclusive or tolerant or accepting. But a new book from their publishing company offers the most on-brand kind of victim-blaming.

The title says it all: How God Used “the Other Woman”: Saving Your Marriage after Infidelity. The book, by marriage counselor (!!!) Tina Konkin, is all about how you should respond to discovering your partner is having an affair by… taking a long hard look at your own flaws.

The book’s description is something no decent therapist would ever suggest:

Tina Konkin was devastated when she learned her husband was having an affair with her best friend. How could this happen to a couple who were Christian marriage counselors? But the surprises didn’t stop there, because God immediately asked Tina this question: “What role did you play in this, Tina?”

That question and Tina’s willingness to answer it led to a restored, renewed marriage that was better than ever before, as well as a marriage counseling program that has an 80-percent success rate.

In How the Other Woman Saved My Marriage, you’ll hear the author’s amazing story of redemption and discover proven tools for restoring and improving a marriage, even after infidelity.

​

The actual text of the book doesn’t get any better. Here’s just one excerpt of how Konkin blames herself after her husband’s decision:

As I stood in front of that mirror, my reflection gazing back at me, I heard God’s voice loud and clear. I knew I had a choice to make. I could choose to stay in a “victim mode.” blaming everything on my husband and the “other woman,” or I could decide to shed the victim cloak and start exploring my part in this mess…

It was time for me to look at all the negative stuff I’d dragged into my marriage. I have to admit, though, that the question God was asking me was so difficult that I had to brace myself for what I would see. The thought that I had, in any way, participated in the affair or the degradation of my own marriage was like an emotional foreign invader. Holding this question in my mind elicited a nauseous gut reaction. It was almost too much to take. But one of the principles I had learned in working with hundreds of people on a very personal level was that the way out of this mess wouldn’t include blaming my husband or friend…​

This is marital equivalent of asking a sexual assault victim, “What were you wearing?” The only people who deserve blame are the ones who committed the act.
source

.​

 

[Shadow Wolf]

So that's where my ****headed sperm donor got that imbecilic idea from. Good thing my mom had a stronger, better response, one that was based in a higher sense of self-esteem than that lady who blamed herself.

 

[bobhikes]

.

IT'S THE WIFE'S FAULT!!!

"The conservative Christian organization Focus on the Family isn’t exactly known for being egalitarian or feminist… or thoughtful or inclusive or tolerant or accepting. But a new book from their publishing company offers the most on-brand kind of victim-blaming.

The title says it all: How God Used “the Other Woman”: Saving Your Marriage after Infidelity. The book, by marriage counselor (!!!) Tina Konkin, is all about how you should respond to discovering your partner is having an affair by… taking a long hard look at your own flaws.

The book’s description is something no decent therapist would ever suggest:

Tina Konkin was devastated when she learned her husband was having an affair with her best friend. How could this happen to a couple who were Christian marriage counselors? But the surprises didn’t stop there, because God immediately asked Tina this question: “What role did you play in this, Tina?”

That question and Tina’s willingness to answer it led to a restored, renewed marriage that was better than ever before, as well as a marriage counseling program that has an 80-percent success rate.

In How the Other Woman Saved My Marriage, you’ll hear the author’s amazing story of redemption and discover proven tools for restoring and improving a marriage, even after infidelity.​

The actual text of the book doesn’t get any better. Here’s just one excerpt of how Konkin blames herself after her husband’s decision:

As I stood in front of that mirror, my reflection gazing back at me, I heard God’s voice loud and clear. I knew I had a choice to make. I could choose to stay in a “victim mode.” blaming everything on my husband and the “other woman,” or I could decide to shed the victim cloak and start exploring my part in this mess…

It was time for me to look at all the negative stuff I’d dragged into my marriage. I have to admit, though, that the question God was asking me was so difficult that I had to brace myself for what I would see. The thought that I had, in any way, participated in the affair or the degradation of my own marriage was like an emotional foreign invader. Holding this question in my mind elicited a nauseous gut reaction. It was almost too much to take. But one of the principles I had learned in working with hundreds of people on a very personal level was that the way out of this mess wouldn’t include blaming my husband or friend…​

This is marital equivalent of asking a sexual assault victim, “What were you wearing?” The only people who deserve blame are the ones who committed the act.
source

.​

Not all but sometimes both parties do have a role in the cheating of one party of a marriage. In any disagreement with another person that would be life changing it is best if you review your part before doing anything.

From what you posted, it is not condemning the spouse but asking her to look at what part she had. In the case presented the women felt she had blame, I would say that would not be true for most non-cheating spouses but I would also say it is worth looking at before making that life changing decision.

 

[Skwim]

Not all but sometimes both parties do have a role in the cheating of one party of a marriage. In any disagreement with another person that would be life changing it is best if you review your part before doing anything.

From what you posted, it is not condemning the spouse but asking her to look at what part she had. In the case presented the women felt she had blame, I would say that would not be true for most non-cheating spouses but I would also say it is worth looking at before making that life changing decision.

But she doesn't feel blaming her spouse or the other woman should play any part in addressing the adultery.

". . . the way out of this mess wouldn’t include blaming my husband or friend…."​

She should shoulder all the blame.



.

 

[Nakosis]

But she doesn't feel blaming her spouse or the other woman should play any part in addressing the adultery.

". . . the way out of this mess wouldn’t include blaming my husband or friend…."​

She should shoulder all the blame.



.

I never blame others for what happens to me. Kind of a waste of time because I can't control what others do. I can only control what I do. I don't blame myself either. I did the best I could with what I knew at the time.

In this case it happens to be from the POV of the wife, I don't see why it wouldn't work from the husband's POV.. Good for her for deciding not to be a victim of the situation and deciding how she should move forward. For me the idea is to learn from what happens so you can prevent it from happening again. If you blame others, you may feel there's not a lot you can do to prevent it from happening again, since you can't control the actions of others. You can only decide on your own actions and how to respond when bad things happen in your life.

The guy or girl is an *******, well you chose to marry an *******. Next time make better choices. I don't see blaming others for what happens to you as a productive process. Trying to learn how to be more in control of the situations one runs into in life is.

 

[Shadow Wolf]

Good for her for deciding not to be a victim of the situation and deciding how she should move forward.

She's blaming herself for her husband's sexual misdeeds. She didn't make him cheat on her with another woman. Regardless of what went on, that one isn't her fault.

I don't see blaming others for what happens to you as a productive process.

If someone robs me, they are definitely getting blamed for it.

 

[Road Less Traveled]

If this happened to me, I wouldn’t blame them but also wouldn’t blame myself or stay with them. I would have been fully aware already what people are capable of, how they may change at some point, how people make vows they rarely keep, and how I never viewed them as my possession to begin with before getting in a relationship anyhow so I wouldn’t even consider it ‘cheating.’

If they were happier getting sex from someone else, that met their needs... then I’d be happy for them. But they wouldn’t be part of my life any longer in closer terms. I’d still be be friends with them.

 

[Nakosis]

She's blaming herself for her husband's sexual misdeeds. She didn't make him cheat on her with another woman. Regardless of what went on, that one isn't her fault.

If someone robs me, they are definitely getting blamed for it.

Yeah, see I'm different. I'd hold myself responsible for not having a better security system.

Not that I'm right and you are wrong, it's just how I go about thinking on things.

Anyway, I don't think she should be blaming herself for someone else's action. People make their own choices and decide whom to let influence them or not. I'm more on the self responsibility side because I can do something about my actions and choices. What other folks do I find is real difficult to have any control over.

 

[Shadow Wolf]

I'm more on the self responsibility

Me too, to the point others sometimes tell me I'm going too far. But even I realize that at times it's so far outside of my control that there is nothing I could have done. Such as, if I get robbed, it's not my fault. It doesn't matter what kind of self defense I might be able to utilize, sometimes **** happens. I can take precautions, but the moron who backed his truck into my car, that was all on him and there was absolutely nothing to blame myself over. My mom's husband chose to get involved with another woman, just as he chose to utilize that same bs "god did it to make things better" excuse. I praise my mom for shooting that crap down and using as more crap to stack against him. That is a strong and confident woman. Not this "oh, he's cheating on me so I'm doing something wrong." That's low self esteem, no confidence, and looks more like the mentality of someone who is abused (they frequently blame themselves rather than their abuser) than one who is concerned with building a strong and positive relationship.

 

[Hockeycowboy]

I never blame others for what happens to me. Kind of a waste of time because I can't control what others do. I can only control what I do. I don't blame myself either. I did the best I could with what I knew at the time.

In this case it happens to be from the POV of the wife, I don't see why it wouldn't work from the husband's POV.. Good for her for deciding not to be a victim of the situation and deciding how she should move forward. For me the idea is to learn from what happens so you can prevent it from happening again. If you blame others, you may feel there's not a lot you can do to prevent it from happening again, since you can't control the actions of others. You can only decide on your own actions and how to respond when bad things happen in your life.

The guy or girl is an *******, well you chose to marry an *******. Next time make better choices. I don't see blaming others for what happens to you as a productive process. Trying to learn how to be more in control of the situations one runs into in life is.

^^ This is good.

 

[Nakosis]

Me too, to the point others sometimes tell me I'm going too far. But even I realize that at times it's so far outside of my control that there is nothing I could have done. Such as, if I get robbed, it's not my fault. It doesn't matter what kind of self defense I might be able to utilize, sometimes **** happens. I can take precautions, but the moron who backed his truck into my car, that was all on him and there was absolutely nothing to blame myself over. My mom's husband chose to get involved with another woman, just as he chose to utilize that same bs "god did it to make things better" excuse. I praise my mom for shooting that crap down and using as more crap to stack against him. That is a strong and confident woman. Not this "oh, he's cheating on me so I'm doing something wrong." That's low self esteem, no confidence, and looks more like the mentality of someone who is abused (they frequently blame themselves rather than their abuser) than one who is concerned with building a strong and positive relationship.

My mom was in a bad relationship as well, with my step father and my actual father. I certainly don't speak for her. She's had problems with men all of her life, and now lives as a recluse. I just don't see where blaming the men in her life, which she certainly could do, as being any benefit for her. Best in my experience to let go of what has happened in the past and move forward with your life. Evaluate your own mistakes and learn from them so you don't repeat them.

However if she is blaming herself for someone else's action, I agree that is the wrong way to go about it. Don't know since I've haven't read her book.

This from her biography, "Tina has touched thousands of lives by demonstrating that your past doesn’t have to control your future." Seems to be doing pretty well for herself. Doesn't seem to be suffering from low self-esteem any way.

The rest of Tina's bio..
Biography
Tina is a mother to three, grandmother to three, Founder and Director of Relationship Lifeline, and a coach to many including celebrities. For over 32 years, Tina Konkin has been helping heal the broken-hearted through her story of abuse and abandonment. Tina has touched thousands of lives by demonstrating that your past doesn’t have to control your future. She is the Founder and Director of R3 Lifeline and facilitates the intensive Relationship Lifeline and the Couples Retreat, a sought-after motivational speaker, and a believer in Living Above the Line.

Tina Konkin has the ability to see passed the facade and through to the real issues. As a speaker, Tina is engaging, entertaining, and inspiring. She gets real and has the ability to bring the audience along with her. Tina’s captivating charisma brings laughter, tears, and emotion to her audiences. For the past 25 years Tina has facilitated hundreds of seminars for youth, adults, couples, and families. She is a sought-after speaker for women’s groups, conferences (California Women’s Conference, Smart Marriages, NARME,etc) churches, and businesses across the United States and Canada, as well as overseas. Tina has also been featured on radio, television and Gene Simmons Family Jewels. Real housewives of Orange County and the Today Show. Tina Konkin is a resource for many churches, counselors, organizations and The Dr. Phil Show.

 

[Shadow Wolf]

However if she is blaming herself for someone else's action,

She pretty much is since she looked at what she did instead of realizing she didn't make him cheat on her. Really, to me, her thoughts seem similar to someone who has been abused blaming themselves instead of the abuser.
Self-Blame and Perceived Control in Abusive Situations » Self-Perception and Health

What is self-blame, and why does it occur? Self-blame includes “assuming personal responsibility for the occurrence of a traumatic event,” often when it is clear from an outside viewpoint that the person who engages in self-blame is actually the victim. Some psychologists have characterized self-blame as an “attributional response predictive of poor adjustment,” however, other theorists have indicated that self-blame “…may enhance the perception of future event avoidability,” (Janof-Bulman, 1979) suggesting that “perhaps the perception of future events as modifiable may be preferable to the admission that life occurs haphazardly” (Porter, 1983).

Her husband stepped outside their marriage boundaries, not the other way around. Regardless of what she may or may not have done, he responded in one of the worst ways he could and instead of talking things over decided to betray her and emotionally stab her.

 

[Deeje]

She pretty much is since she looked at what she did instead of realizing she didn't make him cheat on her. Really, to me, her thoughts seem similar to someone who has been abused blaming themselves instead of the abuser.
Self-Blame and Perceived Control in Abusive Situations » Self-Perception and Health

Her husband stepped outside their marriage boundaries, not the other way around. Regardless of what she may or may not have done, he responded in one of the worst ways he could and instead of talking things over decided to betray her and emotionally stab her.

^ Totally agree with this.^ We are responsible for our own actions and choices. If both were "Christians" then there was no excuse for infidelity in the first place. "Self control" is a fruit of God's spirit.....so where was it?

Adultery breaks the marriage bond because you become "one flesh" with someone else.

 

[Evangelicalhumanist]

.

IT'S THE WIFE'S FAULT!!!

"The conservative Christian organization Focus on the Family isn’t exactly known for being egalitarian or feminist… or thoughtful or inclusive or tolerant or accepting. But a new book from their publishing company offers the most on-brand kind of victim-blaming.

The title says it all: How God Used “the Other Woman”: Saving Your Marriage after Infidelity. The book, by marriage counselor (!!!) Tina Konkin, is all about how you should respond to discovering your partner is having an affair by… taking a long hard look at your own flaws.

The book’s description is something no decent therapist would ever suggest:

Tina Konkin was devastated when she learned her husband was having an affair with her best friend. How could this happen to a couple who were Christian marriage counselors? But the surprises didn’t stop there, because God immediately asked Tina this question: “What role did you play in this, Tina?”

That question and Tina’s willingness to answer it led to a restored, renewed marriage that was better than ever before, as well as a marriage counseling program that has an 80-percent success rate.

In How the Other Woman Saved My Marriage, you’ll hear the author’s amazing story of redemption and discover proven tools for restoring and improving a marriage, even after infidelity.

​

The actual text of the book doesn’t get any better. Here’s just one excerpt of how Konkin blames herself after her husband’s decision:

As I stood in front of that mirror, my reflection gazing back at me, I heard God’s voice loud and clear. I knew I had a choice to make. I could choose to stay in a “victim mode.” blaming everything on my husband and the “other woman,” or I could decide to shed the victim cloak and start exploring my part in this mess…

It was time for me to look at all the negative stuff I’d dragged into my marriage. I have to admit, though, that the question God was asking me was so difficult that I had to brace myself for what I would see. The thought that I had, in any way, participated in the affair or the degradation of my own marriage was like an emotional foreign invader. Holding this question in my mind elicited a nauseous gut reaction. It was almost too much to take. But one of the principles I had learned in working with hundreds of people on a very personal level was that the way out of this mess wouldn’t include blaming my husband or friend…​

This is marital equivalent of asking a sexual assault victim, “What were you wearing?” The only people who deserve blame are the ones who committed the act.
source

.​

Rubbish! A cheating husband is acting on his own. So is the woman he cheats with. They know the situation, and proceed anyway. If the wife in such a situation has any responsibility for her husband's infidelity, then it can ONLY have been because her husband was open and honest with her about his feelings, and she refused to consider his feelings and try to see what the two of them could do about it. If he had a problem and didn't mention it, that's his … he owns it.

 

[Skwim]

I never blame others for what happens to me. Kind of a waste of time because I can't control what others do. I can only control what I do. I don't blame myself either. I did the best I could with what I knew at the time.

Blame is simply assigning responsibility for a fault or a wrong. And that you can't do that is rather odd. If a kid deliberately throws a rock and bonks me on the head, and I had no control over his action, I have no trouble assigning responsibility to him for the wrong: in effect blaming him.

I don't blame myself either.

Well, having excluded her husband and friend from the equation, she has implied she's the only one left to blame for her husband's adultery.

.



.

 

[bobhikes]

But she doesn't feel blaming her spouse or the other woman should play any part in addressing the adultery.

". . . the way out of this mess wouldn’t include blaming my husband or friend…."​

She should shoulder all the blame.



.

At some point you need to move on. To many people ruin their happiness by holding on to grudges. If you can move on right away then it would be better for you. Most people can't and won't do that then for the rest of their life they will stew over that past transgression at times putting them in depression.

 

[Nakosis]

Blame is simply assigning responsibility for a fault or a wrong. And that you can't do that is rather odd. If a kid deliberately throws a rock and bonks me on the head, and I had no control over his action, I have no trouble assigning responsibility to him for the wrong: in effect blaming him.

And what good does blaming him do you?

Well, having excluded her husband and friend from the equation, she has implied she's the only one left to blame for her husband's adultery.
.

You're assuming that blame is a necessary part of the process.

I'm not saying anyone, can't. I just don't see any benefit from it.

 

[Skwim]

And what good does blaming him do you?

You're assuming that blame is a necessary part of the process.

I'm not saying anyone, can't. I just don't see any benefit from it.

Recognizing where the responsibility (blame) lies is necessary to correct the situation. She believes that she alone is responsible and it's up to her alone to make their marriage work. WRONG!

While she may be a contributing factor to her deteriorated marriage, prompting her husband to take up with her best friend, It was her husband, not her, who sought to correct the situation by taking up with another woman. He could have chosen otherwise. She was blindsided and had no choice in the matter.

.

 

[Road Less Traveled]

Not this "oh, he's cheating on me so I'm doing something wrong." That's low self esteem, no confidence, and looks more like the mentality of someone who is abused (they frequently blame themselves rather than their abuser) than one who is concerned with building a strong and positive relationship.

Unfortunately there are many liars out there.

This can go pretty deep. I’ve read about rape victims(or at least they say) blaming themselves for being raped... because of doctrines of reaping what they’ve sown in past lives, freewill, and paying their karmic balance.

Seen it live on a social media platform too... where a bunch of hounds tried to convince a rape victim that it was their fault, that they chose this life, and are paying for karma. And then trying to gaslight/guilt them when they wouldn’t buy it by saying things like, ‘well, not our fault if you can’t be mature and take responsibility for yourself, or if you want to ignore the truth.’

That’s pretty much the outcome of a lot of doctrines... they teach everyone to blame each other, and themselves, ruin the self esteem of everyone. And then spread fear. Make the innocent feel guilty and the true abusers look like angels.

 

[columbus]

Recognizing where the responsibility (blame) lies is necessary to correct the situation. She believes that she alone is responsible and it's up to her alone to make their marriage work. WRONG!

Where did she say that she alone is responsible?
I'm not seeing it.

I've watched some hot hot houses come down to burning ash*, and while sometimes all the blame rests on one person, that's been rare. Usually it's a joint effort, and when both parties recognize the role they played things can be salvaged. Marriages are usually, not always, worth salvaging if they ever had any value in the first place. That takes some self reflection and self honesty.
Tom

* yeah I'm old, that's a Joni Mitchell reference