Is Abstinence From Sex Before Marriage Really Best?

[Ðanisty]

I don't believe it's possible to be sexually incompatible with someone you are in love with.

From personal experience, I have to disagree. I've been in love with someone I was not sexually compatible with. We held the relationship together for a couple of years, but in the end it wasn't satisfying for either of us.

 

[Shadow Wolf]

I don't think it is. I also think "pre-marital sex" shouldn't be a word of concer, nor should "sex before marriage." It's still sex, whether or not the couple is married or not.
I don't regret having sex before marriage. Actually, it was a good self-esteem booster knowing that someone would want to be with me, and go that far.

 

[may]

Is abstinence from sex before marriage really best? It seems to me there can be many benefits to sex, although we as a society tend to focus only on the negatives for the most part. Has this tendency to focus only on the negatives given us a false sense that the posititves are not that important? For instance: sex can and often does produce emotional healing. Does our tendency to discount such posititive aspects of sexuality lead us to adopt superficial notions such that abstinence is always the best course of action? Or, is it really true that abstinence is always the best course of action? What do you think?

well i suppose it depends on our standards , for those who are christians and trying to put their lives inline with bible standards we would be into no premarital sex, i thought this link was good reading .
What’s Wrong With Premarital Sex?
Many young people feel pressured to experiment with sex. How, though, should a Christian view premarital sex

 

[Ozzie]

Is abstinence from sex before marriage really best? It seems to me there can be many benefits to sex, although we as a society tend to focus only on the negatives for the most part. Has this tendency to focus only on the negatives given us a false sense that the posititves are not that important? For instance: sex can and often does produce emotional healing. Does our tendency to discount such posititive aspects of sexuality lead us to adopt superficial notions such that abstinence is always the best course of action? Or, is it really true that abstinence is always the best course of action? What do you think?

Well It might make the marriage last 6 months longer if the marriage wasn't "mean't" to last. How much of marriage is about meaningless sex?

 

[The Seeker]

I won't marry a woman without having sex with them first because I don't want to find out after saying "I do" that my wife and I are sexually incompatible. I realize that sex isn't the most important thing in a marriage, but it is important.

 

[SoyLeche]

I won't marry a woman without having sex with them first because I don't want to find out after saying "I do" that my wife and I are sexually incompatible. I realize that sex isn't the most important thing in a marriage, but it is important.

You probably can't wake up in the morning without coffee too, huh?

 

[The Seeker]

You probably can't wake up in the morning without coffee too, huh?

Not a problem, I hate coffee!

 

[MysticSang'ha]

Our culture makes it very difficult to wait until marriage to have sex. We have effectively widened the gap between when someone matures physically, sexually, emotionally, mentally and when the person is actually expected to behave like and is treated as an adult. You are legally an adult at 18, but you aren't treated like one until around 22 to 24, sometimes later. There are many parents who are failing to raise children who are able to handle themselves responsibly at 18. Furthermore, an 18 year old would have a VERY difficult time financially supporting a marriage and children in this day and age because of lack of work and technical experience and lack of college education. Meanwhile, those people who are fortunate enough to go to college often end up under a crushing amount of debt from student loans (and often credit cards and cars)... which doesn't exactly leave them stable enough financially for marriage for several years after they graduate college and establish themselves. No wonder people are waiting until their late twenties and early thirties to get married. While I don't think it is too much to ask that someone waits until at least the age of majority to have sex so that they at least have a chance to handle all the reprocussions of their actions themselves, I do think that waiting two decades past the age of sexual maturity is unrealistic.

:clap

This is probably the most sensible post in this thread, especially the last statement.

Besides, are we narrowing the focus on sexual intercourse? Or are we including all other forms of sex? And, are we also including the different forms of "heavy petting"? What specifically should be regarded in abstaining before marriage?



Peace,
Mystic

 

[SoyLeche]

Not a problem, I hate coffee!

The point being (which I have explained in another thread somewhere) - that I believe the whole "sexual compatibility" thing doesn't need to be an issue at all. If you have only ever had sex with one person, and you are determined to never have sex with anyone else (it also helps to get rid of all forms of pornography - pictures, videos, books, conversation, etc) - then guess what - the sex is great. And, even better, it doesn't matter one whit whether or not the sex would be "better" with someone else.

Sexual compatability is similar to coffee in that way. The only reason that someone wouldn't be able to wake up without coffee is that at some point they started drinking coffee. If they had never tried coffee - they wouldn't need it. If the only sex you have experienced is with this one person, there is no comparison. Granted, you may be incompatible in other ways that are harder to avoid, but how "good" the sex is isn't an issue.

 

[michel]

Is abstinence from sex before marriage really best? It seems to me there can be many benefits to sex, although we as a society tend to focus only on the negatives for the most part. Has this tendency to focus only on the negatives given us a false sense that the posititves are not that important? For instance: sex can and often does produce emotional healing. Does our tendency to discount such posititive aspects of sexuality lead us to adopt superficial notions such that abstinence is always the best course of action? Or, is it really true that abstinence is always the best course of action? What do you think?

Not an easy question to answer.................

To be frank, I can see both sides to this - the Spiritual (or religious side) , and the secular one.

From a religious point of view, I believe that abstinence is a wonderful ideal.

From the secular one, I believe that abstinence can cause problems.

Pro Abstinence:- A wonderful feeling of knowing that you have saved your bodty for the person for whom you will marry.

Cons:- You might not be sexually compatible....I know of one frien whose wife was abstinent before their wedding; the poor dear had built up some sort of a "dreamland version" of sex in her mind............and froze on the big day.

From what I understand, that was the beginning and end of the sexual side of their relationship in that marriage; she was - virtually - "Frigid".

I also came across another couple where there was a similar story; because I knew them both, I could help the husband, and told him how to approach the whole subject.....rather strange, since (at that time) I had no experience of sex myself - But, I must have said the rifght thing, because he thanked me greatly about a year later when he told me that what I had told him had "repaired" their sex life completely.

Sex is indeed an activity that has a lot of benefit - all round - for our bodies; think about it (well, not too much), but, it is good excercise, it is a way to deal with tension - and it is a genearal "pick me up".

I honestly don't know how to "marry" the psychological aspect with the spiritual one................it isn't easy.

I don't believe it's possible to be sexually incompatible with someone you are in love with.

I can understand what you are saying, but experience (not personal) has taught me different.

 

[The Seeker]

The point being (which I have explained in another thread somewhere) - that I believe the whole "sexual compatibility" thing doesn't need to be an issue at all.

Let me give you an example of why I believe premarital sex, for me personally, is important. I had premarital sex with a former girlfriend and for a couple of years everything was fine. Then out of the blue she confessed that she fantasized about having sex with women and multiple partners. I told her that I wasn't into that sort of thing and she respected my decision. However, over time it became a problem because she really wanted to experience these things and I was unwilling to indulge in her fantasies. Sex eventually became an issue in our relationship and was one of the reasons why we stopped seeing each other. Had we not had premarital sex, these problems may have possibly led to divorce. Now I'm not advocating that everyone should have premarital sex as I believe that only two consenting, responsible adults should engage in sex, but this experience made premarital sex important to me.

 

[SoyLeche]

Let me give you an example of why I believe premarital sex, for me personally, is important. I had premarital sex with a former girlfriend and for a couple of years everything was fine. Then out of the blue she confessed that she fantasized about having sex with women and multiple partners. I told her that I wasn't into that sort of thing and she respected my decision. However, over time it became a problem because she really wanted to experience these things and I was unwilling to indulge in her fantasies. Sex eventually became an issue in our relationship and was one of the reasons why we stopped seeing each other. Had we not had premarital sex, these problems may have possibly led to divorce. Now I'm not advocating that everyone should have premarital sex as I believe that only two consenting, responsible adults should engage in sex, but this experience made premarital sex important to me.

Again - get rid of any pornography and a lot of that would go away too.

If you have already had sex with someone else, compatability may be an issue (although still rather unimportant in the grand scheme of things). If you haven't, though, don't think you have to have premarital sex just to make sure. Most couples need to work on their sex anyway to get to a point where it is truly "great" for both of them.

 

[SoyLeche]

I can understand what you are saying, but experience (not personal) has taught me different.

I am by no means an expert - but I would guess that the blanket of "sexual incompatability" hides a whole lot of other problems.

 

[The Seeker]

Again - get rid of any pornography and a lot of that would go away too.

Easier said than done, especially since I had no control over what she was exposed to before I had met her.

 

[Mister_T]

Easier said than done, especially since I had no control over what she was exposed to before I had met her.

Good point.

If a person is wired or conditioned a certain way it is usually very hard for them to go against that.

 

[Mister_T]

Again - get rid of any pornography and a lot of that would go away too.

People were doing and feeling these things long before pornography was around. I think it goes a lot deeper than that.

 

[Sunstone]

Again - get rid of any pornography and a lot of that would go away too.

I think you're being very speculative there. How do you know what you say is true? Have you seen any studies that back up your point? I haven't.

If you have already had sex with someone else, compatability may be an issue (although still rather unimportant in the grand scheme of things). If you haven't, though, don't think you have to have premarital sex just to make sure. Most couples need to work on their sex anyway to get to a point where it is truly "great" for both of them.

Again, I think that seems very speculative. Sexual incompatibility is a real problem for many couples. I'm not an expert on it, but I do know it's possible for me to love someone I'm sexually incompatible with. So, it does not seem to me that one can rely on love alone for sexual compatibility, and that one is best off testing the waters before marriage.

 

[SoyLeche]

I think you're being very speculative there. How do you know what you say is true? Have you seen any studies that back up your point? I haven't.



Again, I think that seems very speculative. Sexual incompatibility is a real problem for many couples. I'm not an expert on it, but I do know it's possible for me to love someone I'm sexually incompatible with. So, it does not seem to me that one can rely on love alone for sexual compatibility, and that one is best off testing the waters before marriage.

Sure - it's speculative - and pretty much untestable in our society. I just see the argument of "You've got to have sex before you are married to make sure you are sexually compatible" to be fallacious because premarital sex is largely causing the problem that it is being prescribed to fix.

Maybe I just got lucky (as well as most of the people that I know ), or maybe I just accepted that sex was going to take some work.

It is entirely possible that I am wrong, but it is just as possible that I am right. Like I said, it is pretty much untestable, so neither conclusion is conclusive.

 

[SoyLeche]

People were doing and feeling these things long before pornography was around. I think it goes a lot deeper than that.

When did pornography start? I'm pretty sure it's been around almost as long as sex.

Note - I am using a very broad definition of "pornography" - which is why I delimited certain types - pictures, movies, books, conversations, etc. Some of these may not fit the technical definition of "pornography", but have largely the same effect.

 

[SoyLeche]

Easier said than done, especially since I had no control over what she was exposed to before I had met her.

The point is to not just say that it is "sexual incompatability" and let it go at that, but to look into other possible causes. That's all.