Is Abstinence From Sex Before Marriage Really Best?

[Sunstone]

Is abstinence from sex before marriage really best? It seems to me there can be many benefits to sex, although we as a society tend to focus only on the negatives for the most part. Has this tendency to focus only on the negatives given us a false sense that the posititves are not that important? For instance: sex can and often does produce emotional healing. Does our tendency to discount such posititive aspects of sexuality lead us to adopt superficial notions such that abstinence is always the best course of action? Or, is it really true that abstinence is always the best course of action? What do you think?

 

[MaddLlama]

People say a lot that if you have sex before your married it will ruin your relationship, but that's really a subjective statement and I wish people would treat it that way instead of believing that's the way it works for everyone. You have to be able to treat sex maturely, and do it for the right reasons. Within a serious relationship it really does help to know whether or not you are sexually compatible with a person before you commit yourself to spending your life with them. Yes, you can learn to like the same things, but I think it's less psychologically traumatic to have bad sex outside of marriage. At least then you can practice a little before you're really under the stress of having to please your new spouse. If you have no clue what you're doing, depending on marriage expectations, in the bedroom you could be setting yourself up for a huge disappointment.

 

[Mister_T]

I think my head would explode if I waited until marriage. It's like waving a big plate of nachos in front of a hungry person and telling them they couldn't eat it until the "right time," and then leaving it there until the "time is right."

There may be social reasons to practice abstinence, but physically it does a number on your body.

 

[Sunstone]

I have wondered about the human tendency to prefer absolute rules to conditional rules. It seems like many of us would prefer a world in which it was true that something (such as abstinence from sex before marriage is best) was indoubtably always the case. But the world we live in is much more complex than that.

For some people, abstinence might be best. But for most people, I think it probably is not best. For instance, sex inside the context of a loving, committed and mutually respectful relationship seems to be accepted by most of us with any experience of the matter as something that is not bad, and perhaps even good. Yet, even that cannot be made a hard and fast rule: There are probably a few people for whom in even that kind of situation, waiting until marriage is best.

 

[evearael]

Our culture makes it very difficult to wait until marriage to have sex. We have effectively widened the gap between when someone matures physically, sexually, emotionally, mentally and when the person is actually expected to behave like and is treated as an adult. You are legally an adult at 18, but you aren't treated like one until around 22 to 24, sometimes later. There are many parents who are failing to raise children who are able to handle themselves responsibly at 18. Furthermore, an 18 year old would have a VERY difficult time financially supporting a marriage and children in this day and age because of lack of work and technical experience and lack of college education. Meanwhile, those people who are fortunate enough to go to college often end up under a crushing amount of debt from student loans (and often credit cards and cars)... which doesn't exactly leave them stable enough financially for marriage for several years after they graduate college and establish themselves. No wonder people are waiting until their late twenties and early thirties to get married. While I don't think it is too much to ask that someone waits until at least the age of majority to have sex so that they at least have a chance to handle all the reprocussions of their actions themselves, I do think that waiting two decades past the age of sexual maturity is unrealistic.

 

[Flappycat]

I don't think that sexual intercourse is advisable unless the nature and duration of the relationship is known and agreed upon. Once this has been established, both are acting on the same preconceptions.

 

[standing_on_one_foot]

Certainly people should wait until they're mature enough for it, although that is of course a tricky point to pin down. And I still hold that sex in a commited relationship is your best option, particularly for myself, but I'm prepared to accept that this is not the case for everyone.

I do think it's crazy how negatively sex is portrayed on one hand and how absolutely necessary it's portrayed as being on the other, but what can you expect in a sex-obsessed society with some Puritanical heritage?

 

[Radio Frequency X]

Is abstinence from sex before marriage really best? It seems to me there can be many benefits to sex, although we as a society tend to focus only on the negatives for the most part. Has this tendency to focus only on the negatives given us a false sense that the posititves are not that important? For instance: sex can and often does produce emotional healing. Does our tendency to discount such posititive aspects of sexuality lead us to adopt superficial notions such that abstinence is always the best course of action? Or, is it really true that abstinence is always the best course of action? What do you think?

You know, the more I think about it, the more I think that abstinence from sex before marriage really is best. Now, I didn't wait. I started having sex at 13 and didn't stop. I was reckless. But as I get older, I regret the sexual exploits of my youth. I tend to wish that every sexual experience with my wife was unique to us. I don't know that it is a moral issue, but it is a relationship issue.

 

[Quiddity]

It takes too much work. I’d have to a) have her test for various STD’s b) just trust her c) protect myself with a space suite and have at it. I’m not willing to put so much work into it unless she’s going to stick around and develop a committed relationship. So why not get married? As I see marriage, it makes no sense. People are born from sex, people die from sex (STD's). If I get a powerful gift for Christmas, say a car, there are rules that keep me safe. I think it is the same with sexuality. But that’s just me and my faith that sees the human body as something very special.

Truly, I can’t see how anyone calling himself a Christian can justify sex before marriage. (Mt: 15:19, Mk 7:21, Acts 15:20, 29, 21:25, 1 Cor 6:13, 18, Gal 5:19, Eph 5:3, Col 3:5, 1 Thes 4:3, Rev 2:14, 20-21, 9:21 etc...)

Fornication: Voluntary sexual intercourse other than between a married couple, especially where either person or both persons are unmarried. (Gage Dictionary)

That’s my two cents.

 

[darcyr]

Well, I think that if two mature consenting people want to have pre-marital sex then why not. It has been my experience that the sex gets better after marriage anyway. Both people become more comfortable and know each other better. I honestly don't even think about the sex either of us had before marriage. I just don't think it is really that big of a deal. If abstinance works for you great, just don't judge others for their choices.

And for those that "wish I would have waited" your past experiences are what make you the person you are today. So be thankful that you found someone and look to the future - leave the past behind you.

And a quick question, with today's divorce rates which marriage do you save yourself for?

 

[evearael]

I would have preferred to wait until marriage to have sex, but I was raped at a young age and that choice was taken from me. I do think that waiting is best, but I am in the minority among my peers.

 

[Nanda]

I didn't wait, and I don't regret it.

 

[Comprehend]

Is abstinence from sex before marriage really best? It seems to me there can be many benefits to sex, although we as a society tend to focus only on the negatives for the most part. Has this tendency to focus only on the negatives given us a false sense that the posititves are not that important? For instance: sex can and often does produce emotional healing. Does our tendency to discount such posititive aspects of sexuality lead us to adopt superficial notions such that abstinence is always the best course of action? Or, is it really true that abstinence is always the best course of action? What do you think?

Yep. Abstinance before marriage really is the best.

 

[MdmSzdWhtGuy]

I had sex at age 16, cause it was at that age I was able to finally get some privacy (due to a driver's license) and I was at that age finally able to get a gal to hold still for me long enough. I have absolutely no regrets about when I started having sex. I have had sex with 14 partner's which is just a bit over the worldwide average of 8.5 partners (according to Penn & Teller's Showtime special last night) and I don't regret having that number of partners and would be just peachy if that number was higher.

Sex is fun. It is physically and emotionally satisfying, no matter what the Overlords try to tell you. Getting someone pregnant and getting an STD are the only real drawbacks to it, and both of those can be avoided with just a bit of planning. A condom lubricated with nonoxynol-9 takes care of both, for instance. I had a vasectomy several years ago, so personally my only concern is the STD thing, and since I only have sex with my wife currently, that is not even a concern.

I know there will be some who say that the only guarantee that you won't get pregnant or an STD is to be abstinent, but that makes about as much sense to me as saying (which is equally true) that the only way to guarantee you won't get into a car wreck is by never leaving home. . . EVER!!!

Our Judeo-Christian/Puritanical roots are the reason for so many people's hangups with sex, and in truth it probably drives many people to early and often sex than a more realistic and healthy attitude toward sex would. Look at the areas of the country with the highest teen pregnancy rates, and you find a stark reality. The girls getting knocked up, by and large are either in the ghetto, or they are in areas where there is little or no sex education beyond the "Abstinence Only" BS.

(climbs down off his soapbox)

B.

 

[Quiddity]

Our Judeo-Christian/Puritanical roots are the reason for so many people's hangups with sex, and in truth it probably drives many people to early and often sex than a more realistic and healthy attitude toward sex would. Look at the areas of the country with the highest teen pregnancy rates, and you find a stark reality. The girls getting knocked up, by and large are either in the ghetto, or they are in areas where there is little or no sex education beyond the "Abstinence Only" BS.

(climbs down off his soapbox)

B.

The ghetto isn't something new. They've been around for some time. Why have they just recenly jumped? If education was all that was needed, then you would have seen the ghetto/poor areas with extremely high numbers decades back. Although I agree that education is partly to blame, I think it's the drop/lack of Judeo-Christian values that has caused the jump, not the other way around.

 

[Katzpur]

Within a serious relationship it really does help to know whether or not you are sexually compatible with a person before you commit yourself to spending your life with them.

I don't believe it's possible to be sexually incompatible with someone you are in love with.

Yes, you can learn to like the same things, but I think it's less psychologically traumatic to have bad sex outside of marriage. At least then you can practice a little before you're really under the stress of having to please your new spouse. If you have no clue what you're doing, depending on marriage expectations, in the bedroom you could be setting yourself up for a huge disappointment.

To me, it would seem as if the opposite was true. Neither my husband nor I had had any "practice" before we got married, and it didn't make one bit of difference. Maybe we were just both fast learners. At any rate, I'd personally prefer figuring things out with my spouse than to know he'd perfected his technique with one of his last ten girlfriends.

 

[XAAX]

Waiting to have sex until after marriage is like buying a car without test driving it. It may look great, have all the features you are looking for and be in the right price range, but until you have driven it, you will not know if it suits you. Bad analogy, but true… I have dated many women, but until I knew how our sexual chemistry was together I really didn’t know them. Just because someone has all the traits that you are looking for, until you know if you have the chemistry as well, you may be nothing better than good friends. My advice, forget what religious crap you are fed, be responsible in who you choose to have sex with, and test drive anything before buying….

 

[Quiddity]

Waiting to have sex until after marriage is like buying a car without test driving it. It may look great, have all the features you are looking for and be in the right price range, but until you have driven it, you will not know if it suits you. Bad analogy, but true… I have dated many women, but until I knew how our sexual chemistry was together I really didn’t know them. Just because someone has all the traits that you are looking for, until you know if you have the chemistry as well, you may be nothing better than good friends. My advice, forget what religious crap you are fed, be responsible in who you choose to have sex with, and test drive anything before buying….

No thanks. Apparently, everything can be ok, but if they aren't good at sex, you're screwed. Some of us, can see beyond just the sex and do just fine. I guess some people can't do this.

 

[madcap]

I don't see how anyone can actually answer this question. It's like asking whether it's better to be a man or a woman. If you're one, you can't fully know the experience of the other.

Once you have sex before marriage, you can't be a virgin when you get married. The closest you can come is to abstain from sex with the person you will marry, but even then you don't know what it would have been like if you'd had premarital sex with that person.

That said, I think sex makes a loving, committed relationship stronger, provided both partners are giving and attuned to each other's needs. And that's true whether they're married or not. Those who enter into sexual relationships lightly (and get out of them just as quickly) may, I suspect, have a more difficult time experiencing this. But I can't say that for sure and won't presume to speak for them.

To sum up, I think the level of commitment -- or at least love, such as a sexual encounter between two good friends -- is more important than marriage.

 

[Katzpur]

Waiting to have sex until after marriage is like buying a car without test driving it. It may look great, have all the features you are looking for and be in the right price range, but until you have driven it, you will not know if it suits you. Bad analogy, but true… I have dated many women, but until I knew how our sexual chemistry was together I really didn’t know them. Just because someone has all the traits that you are looking for, until you know if you have the chemistry as well, you may be nothing better than good friends. My advice, forget what religious crap you are fed, be responsible in who you choose to have sex with, and test drive anything before buying….

Well, if you equate sex with a car, that sounds like good advice. When you take a test drive, you'll get a feel for how the car drives, but none of the real problems are going to show up on a quick spin for a couple of miles down the freeway. I'm a firm believers that if two people are really in love, minor issues with the sexual chemistry are pretty insignificant. You don't have to have sex with someone to know if the sexual chemistry is there, and if it's there, it can be fine-tuned easily enough.