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Intrusive thoughts and God

Michael Hopkins

New Member
My life got super serious over this pass month. I was dealing with a lot of intrusive thoughts. I talked to God a lot and prayed a lot. There was often times when I was scared. I started to believe I wasn’t destined for heaven. The more scared I got from the thoughts the more I self reflected on my life. I sin but I never thought i sinned a lot. I started to google a lot of things in my life to see if I was sinning. The things that I found was sin are the things that I find comfort in. The conclusion I came to was God wants me to stop smoking and rapping, because one of my dreams in life is to make music for a living. Ironically before this all happened I was getting close to actually gaining a lot of popularity from rap. Of course this shouldn’t be hard to do because it’s for God but weirdly rapping is hard for me to stop. I believe I can stop weed but music runs so deep in my life it’s super hard. Like I love listening to music and everytime I start listening I wanna start creating some. That’s my first problem. My other is, I read something that I felt would help me in life better . It was basically something saying to stop striving so hard in life because Jesus already did that for us. It was saying to “Let go and let God.” And I felt this was very important for me because i was trying so hard to become a rapper and I started noticing I didn’t have the most valid reasons . I noticed that I enjoyed the praise when someone said they liked my music. Learning stuff like this sucks because it just makes me feel like I didn’t want God to get the praise. That’s how I feel. Even though if someone asked me “how’d you get so good.” I’d say “I’m just blessed.” Even though I’d give God the credit it still doesn’t feel right that I’d want that. So I decided that I wouldn’t try so hard to make it in life because God has me. I’m 100% okay with putting my life in Gods hands but for some weird reason I still wanna make music. Another crazy part about it is whenever I go to Instagram , Snapchat, etc. that’s all I see. Is people trying to be rappers and people rapping and it makes me wanna rap. Weirdly I don’t feel I should be sharing this because I feel like it’s between me and God, but stopping rap was so hard and I either needed words of encouragement or for someone to tell me that I wasn’t making sense. At the same time who’d know why God would want me to stop rapping ya know?. I’m just confused and I don’t feel good. I feel bad for having these thoughts in the first place , like I’m going against God. Also I sorta been training my brain that things are black and white so when I feel like I’m going against God I start feeling like I’m going with satan. Even though I’d never do anything like that it just feels like that. And it’s weird that music is doing all of this. I feel like I’m losing my mind because I don’t wanna ever go against God and I’m mad that this is so hard to stop. And often times I question “why is this happening to me? I like music more than most people, and I love God more than most people , so why?. I know this thought is bad and I hate that I have it. Makes me feel sick.
 

Nakosis

Non-Binary Physicalist
Premium Member
My life got super serious over this pass month. I was dealing with a lot of intrusive thoughts. I talked to God a lot and prayed a lot. There was often times when I was scared. I started to believe I wasn’t destined for heaven. The more scared I got from the thoughts the more I self reflected on my life. I sin but I never thought i sinned a lot. I started to google a lot of things in my life to see if I was sinning. The things that I found was sin are the things that I find comfort in. The conclusion I came to was God wants me to stop smoking and rapping, because one of my dreams in life is to make music for a living. Ironically before this all happened I was getting close to actually gaining a lot of popularity from rap. Of course this shouldn’t be hard to do because it’s for God but weirdly rapping is hard for me to stop. I believe I can stop weed but music runs so deep in my life it’s super hard. Like I love listening to music and everytime I start listening I wanna start creating some. That’s my first problem. My other is, I read something that I felt would help me in life better . It was basically something saying to stop striving so hard in life because Jesus already did that for us. It was saying to “Let go and let God.” And I felt this was very important for me because i was trying so hard to become a rapper and I started noticing I didn’t have the most valid reasons . I noticed that I enjoyed the praise when someone said they liked my music. Learning stuff like this sucks because it just makes me feel like I didn’t want God to get the praise. That’s how I feel. Even though if someone asked me “how’d you get so good.” I’d say “I’m just blessed.” Even though I’d give God the credit it still doesn’t feel right that I’d want that. So I decided that I wouldn’t try so hard to make it in life because God has me. I’m 100% okay with putting my life in Gods hands but for some weird reason I still wanna make music. Another crazy part about it is whenever I go to Instagram , Snapchat, etc. that’s all I see. Is people trying to be rappers and people rapping and it makes me wanna rap. Weirdly I don’t feel I should be sharing this because I feel like it’s between me and God, but stopping rap was so hard and I either needed words of encouragement or for someone to tell me that I wasn’t making sense. At the same time who’d know why God would want me to stop rapping ya know?. I’m just confused and I don’t feel good. I feel bad for having these thoughts in the first place , like I’m going against God. Also I sorta been training my brain that things are black and white so when I feel like I’m going against God I start feeling like I’m going with satan. Even though I’d never do anything like that it just feels like that. And it’s weird that music is doing all of this. I feel like I’m losing my mind because I don’t wanna ever go against God and I’m mad that this is so hard to stop. And often times I question “why is this happening to me? I like music more than most people, and I love God more than most people , so why?. I know this thought is bad and I hate that I have it. Makes me feel sick.

My advice, is to become an atheist. Then God will stop bothering you.
 

Orbit

I'm a planet
My life got super serious over this pass month. I was dealing with a lot of intrusive thoughts. I talked to God a lot and prayed a lot. There was often times when I was scared. I started to believe I wasn’t destined for heaven. The more scared I got from the thoughts the more I self reflected on my life. I sin but I never thought i sinned a lot. I started to google a lot of things in my life to see if I was sinning. The things that I found was sin are the things that I find comfort in. The conclusion I came to was God wants me to stop smoking and rapping, because one of my dreams in life is to make music for a living. Ironically before this all happened I was getting close to actually gaining a lot of popularity from rap. Of course this shouldn’t be hard to do because it’s for God but weirdly rapping is hard for me to stop. I believe I can stop weed but music runs so deep in my life it’s super hard. Like I love listening to music and everytime I start listening I wanna start creating some. That’s my first problem. My other is, I read something that I felt would help me in life better . It was basically something saying to stop striving so hard in life because Jesus already did that for us. It was saying to “Let go and let God.” And I felt this was very important for me because i was trying so hard to become a rapper and I started noticing I didn’t have the most valid reasons . I noticed that I enjoyed the praise when someone said they liked my music. Learning stuff like this sucks because it just makes me feel like I didn’t want God to get the praise. That’s how I feel. Even though if someone asked me “how’d you get so good.” I’d say “I’m just blessed.” Even though I’d give God the credit it still doesn’t feel right that I’d want that. So I decided that I wouldn’t try so hard to make it in life because God has me. I’m 100% okay with putting my life in Gods hands but for some weird reason I still wanna make music. Another crazy part about it is whenever I go to Instagram , Snapchat, etc. that’s all I see. Is people trying to be rappers and people rapping and it makes me wanna rap. Weirdly I don’t feel I should be sharing this because I feel like it’s between me and God, but stopping rap was so hard and I either needed words of encouragement or for someone to tell me that I wasn’t making sense. At the same time who’d know why God would want me to stop rapping ya know?. I’m just confused and I don’t feel good. I feel bad for having these thoughts in the first place , like I’m going against God. Also I sorta been training my brain that things are black and white so when I feel like I’m going against God I start feeling like I’m going with satan. Even though I’d never do anything like that it just feels like that. And it’s weird that music is doing all of this. I feel like I’m losing my mind because I don’t wanna ever go against God and I’m mad that this is so hard to stop. And often times I question “why is this happening to me? I like music more than most people, and I love God more than most people , so why?. I know this thought is bad and I hate that I have it. Makes me feel sick.

You need to see a mental health professional about the intrusive thoughts; they can give you medicine that will make them go away. Your brain is misfiring.

As far as rapping, if that's what you want to do, do it--just realize that you have a better chance at being struck by lightning that making a living from it. But as a hobby, sure.
 

Windwalker

Veteran Member
Premium Member
My life got super serious over this pass month. I was dealing with a lot of intrusive thoughts. I talked to God a lot and prayed a lot. There was often times when I was scared. I started to believe I wasn’t destined for heaven. The more scared I got from the thoughts the more I self reflected on my life. I sin but I never thought i sinned a lot. I started to google a lot of things in my life to see if I was sinning. The things that I found was sin are the things that I find comfort in.
A lot of people call things sin. That's their problem. Usually it's around some issue they have a lack of self-control over, so they decry it everywhere they see it. It's like the puritans who see sex as evil, but necessary. Be careful about letting other people tell you what God cares about in your life in regards to you liking a grape popsicle versus and orange one. People who focus on that level, are doing it for other reasons than spiritual. IT's all about a world of guilt, fear, and shame for them, not Love.

The conclusion I came to was God wants me to stop smoking and rapping, because one of my dreams in life is to make music for a living. Ironically before this all happened I was getting close to actually gaining a lot of popularity from rap.
Why on earth would some say music is wrong? Smoking, you should quit, for sure. It's quite unhealthy, it makes you smell bad, it costs a lot of money, it creates a physical addiction and makes your brain lie to you that you need it to survive, which you do not, etc. Quit that by all means. But music???? Hell no.

I am a musician. I live, breathe, eat, and sleep music. It revives the soul. It expresses Spirit. That's like saying you should quit smiling.

The only caveat I might make however is that if the energies you are expressing through music are strictly negative and aggressive (as opposed to be a part of the overall composition), then I would consider whether or not aggressiveness, violent thrashings, smashing things, throwing crap, and that sort of form of musical entertainment is conducive to finding Peace in your life. I'd say it's probably not, if it was an exclusive outlet. But then again, perhaps that might be part of your path. I can't say. Only you can for yourself as you look at how it is helping or not on your path.

I somehow doubt that is what you are doing with music however, calling women "ho's" and whatnot. That sort of stuff frankly is just negative energy. It has its place culturally as an artifact of expression, but I can't see that as being spiritual in any way.

Of course this shouldn’t be hard to do because it’s for God but weirdly rapping is hard for me to stop. I believe I can stop weed but music runs so deep in my life it’s super hard. Like I love listening to music and everytime I start listening I wanna start creating some. That’s my first problem.
That's not a problem. It sounds to me like music is part of your being. Tell those who say it shouldn't be to go take a flying leap into a ice cold lake and tell the fishes they shouldn't swim either. :)

My other is, I read something that I felt would help me in life better . It was basically something saying to stop striving so hard in life because Jesus already did that for us. It was saying to “Let go and let God.” And I felt this was very important for me because i was trying so hard to become a rapper and I started noticing I didn’t have the most valid reasons . I noticed that I enjoyed the praise when someone said they liked my music. Learning stuff like this sucks because it just makes me feel like I didn’t want God to get the praise.
Alright, let me try to share some wisdom as a musician. Any art form which as you know is born from the soul, wanting to express something from deep within ourselves, will suffer when we turn an eye away from the art and onto ourselves, thinking about how others will think of us when they hear it. "They'll think this is great," or it's oppositie, "They'll see I'm really not very good, that I'm just a muscial hack unlike the really good ones out there," and that sort of thing. Down it goes, flat and limp. It takes the energy of the musical impulse and turns it into a peacock's feathers, "look at me, I'm so lovely, don't you think?"

To be honest with you, I believe the musical impulse to be a gift from God, because in order to truly express that gift, you have to overcome the ego's impulses for self-congratulations on being a good boy, or whatnot. If you can overcome the ego, then Spirit can speak through you, in everything you do. Your whole life can become that same spiritual expression as music is. The whole world becomes music, and everything in it. But when we have one eye in the mirror, we fail to see the Beauty that wishes to speak through us.

So, yeah. It's part of the path. Don't sweat it. Just "Let it go". :)

Weirdly I don’t feel I should be sharing this because I feel like it’s between me and God, but stopping rap was so hard and I either needed words of encouragement or for someone to tell me that I wasn’t making sense.
You're just letting other who don't know what they are talking about have power of you for no valid reason. Here's your words of encouragement. Don't listen to them. :)

Also I sorta been training my brain that things are black and white so when I feel like I’m going against God I start feeling like I’m going with satan.
Why, dear God, why would you train your brain to think in black and white terms? Why? That's a horrible thing to do. Who told you to do that? I'd really rethink who it is you are letting you feed you this. You have a gift. Don't let the blind lead the blind. You'll just need to learn how to see without them. They do not know what they are doing. Black and white thinking is the fearful mind's way of looking at the world, and people are harmed by that.

Love does not see in black and white terms. But they do. So put two and two together.

Even though I’d never do anything like that it just feels like that. And it’s weird that music is doing all of this. I feel like I’m losing my mind because I don’t wanna ever go against God and I’m mad that this is so hard to stop. And often times I question “why is this happening to me? I like music more than most people, and I love God more than most people , so why?. I know this thought is bad and I hate that I have it. Makes me feel sick.
Yes, they are saying stuff that is making you ill. Please stop listening to them and giving them power over you. If anything is a sin, that would be it.
 

sun rise

The world is on fire
Premium Member
First, welcome to RF.

About your post, The Avatar, the Christ, comes for one and all, the so-called sinner and the so-called saint. He wants us to remember Him to the best of our ability. He is the jeweler who takes the unpolished and misshapen rough stone and turns it into a beautiful gem. The process is not a smooth walk in the park. A short chapter of "I Never Promised You a Rose Garden" about a girl struggling with mental illness expresses what I'm thinking of:

Her dream began with winter darkness. Out of this darkness came a great hand, fisted. It was a man's hand, powerful and hollowed by the shadows of the wells between bones and tendons. The fist opened and in the long plain of the palm lay three pieces of coal. Slowly the hand closed causing within the fist a tremendous pressure. The pressure began to generate a white heat and still it increased. There was a sense of weighing, crushing time. She seemed to feel the suffering of the coal with her own body, almost beyond the point of being born. At least she cried out to the hand "Stop it! Will you never end it! Even a stone cannot bear to this limit... even a stone...!"

After what seemed like too long a time for anything molecular to endure, the torments in the fist relaxed. The fist turned slowly and very slowly opened.

Diamonds. Three of them.

Three clear and brilliant diamonds shot with light, lay in the good palm. A deep voice called to her, "Deborah." And then, gently, "Deborah, this will be you."
 

Michael Hopkins

New Member
You need to see a mental health professional about the intrusive thoughts; they can give you medicine that will make them go away. Your brain is misfiring.

As far as rapping, if that's what you want to do, do it--just realize that you have a better chance at being struck by lightning that making a living from it. But as a hobby, sure.
I really appreciate how calm you approached my question lol. I def need medicine because I overthink until it hurts .
 
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