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I'm calling out to my healthcare provider for help.

Jonathan Bailey

Well-Known Member
Here's an essay I sent them as follows:

I have been feeling physically very bad since about November of 2011. I have been feeling weak and tired and have had to lie down in my bed several times during the day. I have told several doctors about this since November 2011 and have not yet been given a formal diagnosis. I am age 55 now. I also have had a lot of trouble with back, neck and leg pain over those years. Often the tiredness accompanies the pain. Sometimes pain will occur without tiredness and sometimes tiredness will occur without pain. I don't feel I have the strength, energy and stamina to hold a full-time job. I would like to be well enough to work and be productive. I dread I will remain disabled and thus poor for the rest of my life. I want to work so I can achieve the necessary means to live the kind of life that would make life worth living. I feel like a prisoner in my small apartment. I want a house of my own before I die of old age and the means to get it. I want a pet dog of my own before I die of old age and the means to have it. I want to enjoy the outdoors like hiking with my dog if I were to have one. When I was younger I lived in a house and had a pair of dogs that I hiked with regularly. I was much stronger and able to work and be productive then. I grievously miss what I had when I was younger. I am all alone in this world. I have no living relatives that I know of. I have no living friends. A California woman whom I thought was my friend died in late 2018 at age 89. I have know her since 1985. Her second oldest son and she herself had promised me years ago that I would be left in her will but that promise was broken. I feel this woman, friend of my mother's before my mother died in 1991, and her family has betrayed me. I was let down. I thought I would be inheriting enough money to buy a house of my own but I got nothing. I feel it's getting late in my life and time and hope is running out. I've been a single man all of my life: never a family of my own and never a desire for one. I want to experience the love and warm tongue on my face of a pet dog of my own before I die once more. My wretched financial state doesn't even permit that. I could have a dog but I would have to be homeless and thus rent-free to do so. I'm very sensitive to heat and cold and can't at all live without the comforts of shelter and a bed to sleep in. I have to pay rent. No room for pet costs in my budget since a landlord combined with the electric company takes almost half of my VA pension benefit each month. I still have to eat and keep up my car for transportation. I am very appalled at the federal government for not paying American veterans on the Pension more generously to truly live happy. The VA Pension is now at a measly $1,146 a month. A paltry pittance in today's economy. It should be more like double that for those who served their nation honorably in uniform.


I am very saddened to live in Lawton, Oklahoma. I was stationed here in the army at Fort Sill 30 years ago as an enlisted soldier and the town and its people looked decent and civilized back then. The town looks like a nightmare to me now. Many people seem very unfriendly here. The streets are in very bad repair and it is very unpleasant to ride my bicycle in this town. There is no beautiful scenery as I had while in Boise, Idaho and in California. The town looks like a town of poverty and as if it were crumbling due to lack of infrastructure maintenance. I am saddened by the way people look and dress these days. Males with beards totally disgust me especially ones working in restaurants where food is handled. People with tattoos totally disgust me. I am saddened by all the squalor I see in local Walmart stores: the sheer lack of sound janitorial service. I am troubled deeply by all the litter and pollution see all around me these days. A landscape that is beautifully kept and maintains makes my soul feel very happy. A landscape that appears "third-world-like" or "ghetto-like" makes me very blue. The apartment complex I live in looks run-down. My apartment often stinks of mold. People's lawns in my neighborhood often look brown and weedy. They rarely look well-mown and very green. Brown lawns make me think of death. Crumbling infrastructure makes me think of doom. This is not the lovely America I once knew as a boy and a younger man. I'm saddened by grocery store workers and restaurant who are dressed like bums.

I was happy when people in the service industry were clean shaven and well-dressed. I feel our nation is one huge slum these days. My heart is delighted whenever I see soldiers from Fort Sill in uniform in town. They are clean-cut and clean-shaven and don't look like bums at all. Many of these 21st century civilians look like hippies and I am grossed out by all the Southern accents I hear in Lawton too. Southern accents make me think of hatred, bigotry, ignorance and narrow-mindedness. I can't stand the sight of all this white trash. Lawton back in 1990 had decently-dressed people with standard American dialects. I was horribly surprise returning to Lawton last year to get a cheap apartment. I miss my beloved "Leave It To Beaver America" of the past century. looking at the world nowadays makes me feel as if my soul were dead. I feel empty inside. My heart aches about it. I feel that the human race is now no longer civil in manners but a bunch of filthy savage beasts.


Maybe some dopamine-enhancing drug might help me. I'm agnostic about God and religion. I don't believe in religions. I've tried praying but that is useless. I'm unhappy about what I am now: lonely, unhealthy, weak, in pain, obese, old, living in a world that now in this century largely looks ugly all around me and unattractive. The only thing now I could hope for is to be well enough once again to work full time again and reap the economic rewards of doing so. I don't feel suicidal at all as I am very much afraid to die. I need something positive in my life to happen make good changes. I seek professional help. I write this so VA healthcare people can get to know me better and step inside of my shoes for a moment as figure of speech. I can organize my thoughts better while writing than speaking or conversing. My life, I feel, is wretched and tormented.
 
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dybmh

דניאל יוסף בן מאיר הירש
Have you noticed a pattern regarding what time of day you feel most energetic or least energetic?

If so, maybe try to schedule some outside time when you are feeling most energetic, and look for a support group that meets at the time when you are least energetic?

It's not a silver bullet, but it's the best I've got to offer unfortunately.

Warm Wishes,
 

A Vestigial Mote

Well-Known Member
So, being honest here - portions of this read like you feel yourself entitled (such as saying that you should be getting double compensation for your pension, or that someone should have maintained you being written into their will, or that to "truly live happy" you need more money), and that tends not to go over well with people. You're also being judgmental - using words like "white trash," which people also tend to react poorly to. If you're actually asking for help, I also don't see much of that going on here. You're instead focusing very much on how terrible life is, and you paint a very bleak picture of our entire country - even our entire race. I'm honestly not sure how much help someone is going to want to provide when they feel that you might be lumping them in with the rest of humanity when you call us all "savage [beasts]." Lastly, after reading the whole thing I failed to understand the ultimate request you are making. Are you asking them for Dopamine? Perhaps counseling or psychiatric help? That's all I could wrestle from the text as an ultimate "point" or request being made.
 
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Jonathan Bailey

Well-Known Member
Have you noticed a pattern regarding what time of day you feel most energetic or least energetic?

If so, maybe try to schedule some outside time when you are feeling most energetic, and look for a support group that meets at the time when you are least energetic?

It's not a silver bullet, but it's the best I've got to offer unfortunately.

Warm Wishes,

There's really no pattern. Loss of energy can come any time around the clock. Some fatigue, I read, can be even related to depression.
 

Jonathan Bailey

Well-Known Member
So, being honest here - portions of this read like you feel yourself entitled (such as saying that you should be getting double compensation for your pension, or that someone should have maintained you being written into their will, or that to "truly live happy" you need more money), and that tends not to go over well with people. You're also being judgmental - using words like "white trash," which people also tend to react poorly to. If you're actually asking for help, I also don't see much of that going on here. You're instead focusing very much on how terrible life is, and you paint a very bleak picture of our entire country - even our entire race. I'm honestly not sure how much help someone is going to want to provide when they feel that you might be lumping them in with the rest of humanity when you call us all "savage [beasts]." Lastly, after reading the whole thing I failed to understand the ultimate request you are making. Are you asking them for Dopamine? Perhaps counseling or psychiatric help? That's all I could wrestle from the text as an ultimate "point" or request being made.

Ultimately, I want to be strong and healthy enough to be able to work again. I would much rather be able to do that than get a double pension from Uncle Sam. If I do have negative feelings inside my mind, I do have to be honest with healthcare professionals. If I see the whole world as one living hell, I have to say what I feel. I won't lie and say it's all rosy. I don't know if a Dopamine drug will help me or not. I'll let the mental health people decide.

OK, I want to be HEALTHY enough to EARN more money. When a person has his HEALTH he has his WEALTH. I need to know what I CAN DO to help make this possible if anything. And, yes, I hate burst your bubble, but I do feel that American veterans deserve better treatment from the federal government. My blast is not at VA medical personnel but the Congress that authorizes funding for benefits. VA medical personnel make the same money whether I live or die.

It doesn't matter if you understand my thread or not. You are not my doctors.

I am both sick and tired: physically and mentally. I don't smoke. I don't drink. I don't do drugs. My adverse condition not MY FAULT!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! I don't deserve this!!!

If you just want to be negative and hostile toward me, please don't reply to my posts. Thank you and God bless you if God is for real.

PS - It's not about the will. It's about being lied to and back stabbed.
 
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A Vestigial Mote

Well-Known Member
Ultimately, I want to be strong and healthy enough to be able to work again. I would much rather be able to do that than get a double pension from Uncle Sam. If I do have negative feelings inside my mind, I do have to be honest with healthcare professionals. If I see the whole world as one living hell, I have to say what I feel. I won't lie and say it's all rosy. I don't know if a Dopamine drug will help me or not. I'll let the mental health people decide.

OK, I want to be HEALTHY enough to EARN more money. When a person has his HEALTH he has his WEALTH.
Your last statement is much more relatable, and it would do you well to concentrate more on that idea. The idea that your mental state and outlook would be much improved if you could just see yourself as a valued and productive member of society. You mention that your current situation of physical wellness does not provide for your ability to do so, and it affects every aspect of your life and livelihood, and then you ask what programs or assistance might be available to help.

In the end, you're going to have to rely on someone reading your plea and being moved to actually break regular channels of processing correspondence and move your letter and request up some chain of command within the organization - as in, actually take the steps to take it up with their superiors and get someone concerned with what can be done. As it stands, I am of the opinion that your currently proposed letter will not achieve that. Someone may be "moved" in the other direction with your use of language and the posture taken. That is, moved to dismiss or not help because they feel that you are insulting them, or the country, or that you're not worthy of being helped.

I know that all sounds harsh, and I don't mean it to. I am giving you my opinion as to how I think you can improve your chances based on the words and stories that I have witnessed moving people to undertake positive action versus those that I have seen moving people to distance themselves from positive action.
 

Jonathan Bailey

Well-Known Member
Your last statement is much more relatable, and it would do you well to concentrate more on that idea. The idea that your mental state and outlook would be much improved if you could just see yourself as a valued and productive member of society. You mention that your current situation of physical wellness does not provide for your ability to do so, and it affects every aspect of your life and livelihood, and then you ask what programs or assistance might be available to help.

In the end, you're going to have to rely on someone reading your plea and being moved to actually break regular channels of processing correspondence and move your letter and request up some chain of command within the organization - as in, actually take the steps to take it up with their superiors and get someone concerned with what can be done. As it stands, I am of the opinion that your currently proposed letter will not achieve that. Someone may be "moved" in the other direction with your use of language and the posture taken. That is, moved to dismiss or not help because they feel that you are insulting them, or the country, or that you're not worthy of being helped.

I know that all sounds harsh, and I don't mean it to. I am giving you my opinion as to how I think you can improve your chances based on the words and stories that I have witnessed moving people to undertake positive action versus those that I have seen moving people to distance themselves from positive action.

OK, I now see the misunderstanding. The message I posted above was attached to my primary VA doctor, nobody else. This message was sent to me this morning directly to the my home VA medical clinic's web portal. My doctor will read this. I have requested professional help regarding the message. Mental healthcare specialists and fatigue specialists in medicine if there are any. I want formal tests for fibromyalgia, CFS and any other known fatigue-causing health issues.

How can they help me unless I reveal what is on my chest? They can't read minds.

Getting a job will solve all the money and probably many of the unhappiness problems as well. The job will generate the wealth needed to get to a prettier and thus happier community.

I'm making the first critical step by telling somebody what is ailing me inside. Perhaps some psychiatric drug might magically make me insensitive to men with beards and litter on the streets and all the rest of my personal eyesores. Should I become an alcoholic?

If one is feeling suicidal they should pick up the telephone and call a suicide hotline, right?

I'm disillusioned by the world I see around me. Who is my "911" to call?

I first need to try to get well enough to work somehow. No dying rich uncle of mine is going to "bread me up" for life.

What is the first step for an alcoholic to recover? They cannot DENY they are an alcoholic. So, I'm not DENYING that I'm troubled by what I perceive in this world. Perhaps, they will offer me some "rose-colored glasses" to view the world through in the form of counseling, therapy, psyche drugs whatever. If I were to think the year 2020 looked like "a bowl of cherries" to me, the whole idea of going to a shrink about it would be a moot point. Your'e right though, much of my troubles could just be ME. What is it inside my soul that makes me think a beard is disgusting?
 
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dybmh

דניאל יוסף בן מאיר הירש
My adverse condition not MY FAULT!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! I don't deserve this!!!
You don't deserve it. However, In my own life, in my own struggles, empowering myself over my circumstances has lead to the most significant and longest lasting gains.

There's really no pattern. Loss of energy can come any time around the clock. Some fatigue, I read, can be even related to depression.

From my experience ( not as a Dr, as a patient ), depression has two primary elements: Selfishness and the overwhelming desire to quit.

People who are depressed often are not able to see beyond their own problems and their own challenges to see that other people have it worse than themselves. Even if they are able to acknowledge this, it doesn't seem to make a difference in motivating them or inspiring them towards hope.

People who are depressed often give up when something ( anything ) becomes uncomfortable. The discomfort is exaggerated in the mind, and the desire to give up becomes almost impossible to overcome. This is where medication helps, but it is not the cure. It only helps a little to offset the discomfort and offset the desire to quit.

When I have experienced both of these problems, empowering myself has been very helpful in breaking the cycle. It also seems to help in my friends and family who have struggled with depression.
 

Jonathan Bailey

Well-Known Member
You don't deserve it. However, In my own life, in my own struggles, empowering myself over my circumstances has lead to the most significant and longest lasting gains.



From my experience ( not as a Dr, as a patient ), depression has two primary elements: Selfishness and the overwhelming desire to quit.

People who are depressed often are not able to see beyond their own problems and their own challenges to see that other people have it worse than themselves. Even if they are able to acknowledge this, it doesn't seem to make a difference in motivating them or inspiring them towards hope.

People who are depressed often give up when something ( anything ) becomes uncomfortable. The discomfort is exaggerated in the mind, and the desire to give up becomes almost impossible to overcome. This is where medication helps, but it is not the cure. It only helps a little to offset the discomfort and offset the desire to quit.

When I have experienced both of these problems, empowering myself has been very helpful in breaking the cycle. It also seems to help in my friends and family who have struggled with depression.

Having a job would occupy my mind. I would be much too busy to steep in my own personal unhappiness or past failings in life. When a loved one or friend dies, it often helps to remain very busy around that time to help ease the sting of the loss, the grief. Time often heals these things in the long run. I want to be an over-the-road truck driver. I want to shed the chronic fatigue and gain the necessary energy to succeed. I'm not lazy: laziness is lack of motivation a lack of will to try. My troubles seem purely physical. My body often feels like a cell phone with a worn-out battery. it won't hold a charge for long periods as new lithium battery does. It has to be hooked up to the charger often to just get a little energy to make a phone call or two and then be plugged right back in again. My "battery charger" is the bed in my room I lie down upon. I don't feel I can hold a job by having to lie down in a bed for an hour after about each two hours of work.

Much of my unhappiness stems from the weakness in my body. Often there is arthritis-like pain too.

Is the depression causing the physical woes in my body or are the physical woes in my body causing the depression?

When I was in high school, 1979 or so, my history teacher taught us that older people centuries ago literally went absolutely insane by a lot of changes in society, science and in technology that had occurred during the Renaissance. Are computers, cell phones, beards, tattoos, pierced body parts, orange hair, and other tech things driving me crazy in my old age?

Sometimes, I think to myself there may be a God who hates me and is punishing me with the fatigue and the sadness for something I did bad over my lifetime. He wants me to die a compete failure, maybe??
 
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dybmh

דניאל יוסף בן מאיר הירש
Much of my unhappiness stems from the weakness in
my body. Often there is arthritis-like pain too.
Driving a truck may make these issues worse...
Sometimes, I think to myself there may be a God who hates me and is punishing me with the fatigue and the sadness for something I did bad over my lifetime. He wants me to die a compete failure, maybe??
This is the opposite of empowerment. It is self-defeat.

Perhaps think of it this way? If G-d exists, your triumph is G-d's triumph. Your circumstance could be a descent for the the purpose of ascent. It's like a long jumper moving backwards in order to take a long leap forward. Timing the run, foot placement, and when to jump is key, right? Look for the opportunity, when it presents itself, go for it.

source.gif
 
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Jonathan Bailey

Well-Known Member
Driving a truck may make these issues worse...

This is the opposite of empowerment. It is self-defeat.

Perhaps think of it this way? If G-d exists, your triumph is G-d's triumph. Your circumstance could be a descent for the the purpose of ascent. It's like a long jumper moving backwards in order to take a long leap forward. Timing the run, foot placement, and when to jump is key, right? Look for the opportunity, when it presents itself, go for it.

source.gif


About driving a truck:

Last May, I drove a rented moving truck 1,500 miles to move here to Lawton from Boise, ID. Sitting at a computer here as I do much of the day actually aggravates the pain in my body. Driving that truck didn't make my body hurt half as bad. If I got tired, I could pull into a rest stop and take a nap. I could also walk around to get the circulation back into my legs. The nice thing about driving a truck is it pays good money, sometimes even six figures. Many 50+ people do it. It's tough for older people to get other kinds of employment and they can't outsource drivers. Drivers are in very high demand always. It will be decades before autonomous freight-hauling vehicles take over. God help us all! Once a CDL is attained, it's transferable anywhere to any company. The commercial semi truck for a major freight motor carrier has a comfy sleeper unit with a comfy heater and air-conditioned bed area unlike a U haul type truck.

Sitting here typing to the world about my troubles makes me not a penny richer. I swear I would throw this computer right in a fire right this minute to have my physical energy back.

Why do I want more money? It would afford me to live in a beautiful suburban neighborhood with a little cookie-cutter house and a little private backyard and to support a loving canine companion. I don't want a private jet plane or a yacht: I want a loving pet to walk along a pretty unlittered trail with trees and green grass and clean air and maybe a river or a stream. No crime. No pollution. No noisy cars. No punks. No graffiti. I don't ask for much of this world before I leave it.
 
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Shadow Wolf

Certified People sTabber
Your doctors going to tell you that you have to just let certain things go and not be so bothered by them, like beards and tattoos. You're obsessing over things that make no difference in your own life, and misplacing effort, energy, and time in a place that works, if it were finances, be a very bad investment.
Some language, but it's a very good video about how to think about caring about things that are stretching you too thin and too far.
 

sun rise

The world is on fire
Premium Member
My doctor will read this. I have requested professional help regarding the message. Mental healthcare specialists and fatigue specialists in medicine if there are any. I want formal tests for fibromyalgia, CFS and any other known fatigue-causing health issues.

That's a very succinct statement and one I can relate to rather than the very long OP that was full of things that rubbed me the wrong way.

But that long OP would be of interest to a mental health specialist.
 

Jonathan Bailey

Well-Known Member
The lady at the VA clinic has just responded to my message. She asked me if I would like for her to put me in for a consult to mental health. I said, yes, please do. She also asked me if I were willing to try a new med and I told her back that I would be willing if a medical doctor (not a PA) were to prescribe it. I also told her I want to see if I can't find the underlying cause to my "chronic fatigue". The beard and tattoo thing is a social and cultural issue and, no, I don't expect the VA healthcare to magically change how people dress. Only legislation and health code reform could address that issue. Much of my disgust as to how things are in America stem from the actions or inaction of elected officials. Medical people are mere pill-pushers. They might help teach me how to cope with the things that gross me out though though. Some people hate spiders. Most of my depression stems from my physical health issues. The beards, the trash and the impoverished conditions I live under don't help matters though.

Much of human health, well-being and sanity has to do with cleanliness, appearance, demeanor, decorum, organization and tidyness. I suspect that modern people tolerate societal dishevelment because their brains are largely desensitized to it through drug or alcohol addiction. Perhaps certain prescription meds mask the ugliness of the world. I'm constantly SOBER: I'm highly cognitive and observant: that's why it bothers me. Maybe?
 
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dybmh

דניאל יוסף בן מאיר הירש
Last May, I drove a rented moving truck 1,500 miles to move here to Lawton from Boise, ID. Sitting at a computer here as I do much of the day actually aggravates the pain in my body. Driving that truck didn't make my body hurt half as bad. If I got tired, I could pull into a rest stop and take a nap. I could also walk around to get the circulation back into my legs. The nice thing about driving a truck is it pays good money, sometimes even six figures. Many 50+ people do it. It's tough for older people to get other kinds of employment and they can't outsource drivers. Drivers are in very high demand always. It will be decades before autonomous freight-hauling vehicles take over. God help us all! Once a CDL is attained, it's transferable anywhere to any company. The commercial semi truck for a major freight motor carrier has a comfy sleeper unit with a comfy heater and air-conditioned bed area unlike a U haul type truck.
Do it!
Sitting here typing to the world about my troubles makes me not a penny richer. I swear I would throw this computer right in a fire right this minute to have my physical energy back.
Maybe don't do it...
Why do I want more money? It would afford me to live in a beautiful suburban neighborhood with a little cookie-cutter house and a little private backyard and to support a loving canine companion. I don't want a private jet plane or a yacht: I want a loving pet to walk along a pretty unlittered trail with trees and green grass and clean air and maybe a river or a stream. No crime. No pollution. No noisy cars. No punks. No graffiti. I don't ask for much of this world before I leave it.
Do it!
 

Shadow Wolf

Certified People sTabber
The lady at the VA clinic has just responded to my message. She asked me if I would like for her to put me in for a consult to mental health. I said, yes, please do. She also asked me if I were willing to try a new med and I told her back that I would be willing if a medical doctor (not a PA) were to prescribe it. I also told her I want to see if I can't find the underlying cause to my "chronic fatigue". The beard and tattoo thing is a social and cultural issue and, no, I don't expect the VA healthcare to magically change how people dress. Only legislation and health code reform could address that issue. Much of my disgust as to how things are in America stem from the actions or inaction of elected officials. Medical people are mere pill-pushers. They might help teach me how to cope with the things that gross me out though though. Some people hate spiders. Most of my depression stems from my physical health issues. The beards, the trash and the impoverished conditions I live under don't help matters though.

Much of human health, well-being and sanity has to do with cleanliness, appearance, demeanor, decorum, organization and tidyness. I suspect that modern people tolerate societal dishevelment because their brains are largely desensitized to it through drug or alcohol addiction. Perhaps certain prescription meds mask the ugliness of the world. I'm constantly SOBER: I'm highly cognitive and observant: that's why it bothers me. Maybe?
Accept what is that you can't change, put the effort into changing what you can, and let go of what others do. You can have your standards, others have theirs. Wearing PJ pants as regular wear irks me, but it makes no difference in my own personal life so I let it go instead of obsess over it. Focus more on you, less on others. You may find it less draining, overall.
 

PureX

Veteran Member
In dealing with addiction recovery, we tend to start at the most basic life habits and work upward from there. Get up at the same time every morning, regardless. Make the bed, eat something, clean up, brush the teeth, etc.,. Establish a healthy set of morning habits that would serve you if you had a job, even though you don't, yet. Go for walks to get fresh air and some exercise. Eat healthier foods so that you feel more energetic. And actually, you do have a job; that is to find yourself a job. Start by asking yourself what you have to contribute to the economy instead of what you want to get from it. The truck driving thing is a good idea, and a lot of people have done it, successfully. It's a job that's always in demand, pays enough to live on (usually) and doesn't require college or a long work history. You can go to a driving school to get a CDL and sometimes it will even be prepaid by a prospective employer. And you can work part time, full time, local delivery, or over the road. I've known many alcoholics that just take jobs washing dishes or sweeping floors. Anything they could get to make them go out and work every day. Because that's what they needed to learn how to do. The work and the pay wasn't the issue. It was learning how to be a sober, positive, productive human being.

The point, though, is to understand that you need to contribute something to society if you want society to give you something back. And since you have not been doing this, you now need to show society that you are willing and and able to do it. So you will likely have to take a bottom tier job to get started. But if you show up on time, every day, sober and with a positive attitude, you will be ahead of a lot of the other people on that bottom labor tier, and you will find opportunities for advancement will show up. Because employers appreciate a worker that comes to work on time, sober, and ready and able to do the job, whatever it is. I have seen many a 'gutter drunk' follow this path and find their place in the world after years of homelessness and dysfunction. All it takes is the humility to admit that you're a 'beginner', and the willingness to learn.
 
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